The most honest journal you'll ever read !

[Charlotte]

Little hedgehog to remind you your awesomesauceballs

[Shin]

FAIR ENOUGH

?

[Sahil Pandit]

@Shin Nice profile pic 

[Shin]

20 minutes ago, Sahil Pandit said:

@Shin Nice profile pic 

Copy cat ?

[Shin]

Reading again the Untethered soul and looking at my personal experience of life,
I'm making the connections between my childhood experience of life and unconditional love.

If you can remember, when you were a child, you never were angry towards anything (not for more than a few seconds) you never were  bored, and were always joyful and loving towards everyone, even people you didn't really like that much.
It wasn't the kind of love that we experience between intimate partner right now, it was more intimate and more existential than that.
I'm talking about when you were 2/3/4 years old, before we start having our first traumas and start to close our hearts.

If you trace back your memories and genuinely wonder what you are and what love really is, you will have the genuine intuition that it is how life is actually experienced in its natural, unveiled way.

Do you remember how time was always now, like always always now, no thoughts about tomorrow/yesterday or whatever other moment.
There was this pure nowness, and you were able to perceive the world in such a way that everything was interesting and beautiful to watch.
You didn't know what 99,99% of the things you were seeing was, and you didn't care to know.

A deep intimate connection to everything you were interacting was there too, everything was loved and appreciated for what it was.
You didn't want something in particular, you were just experiencing whatever was at the moment without any resistance, whether it was sad or not, painful or not.

 

Life was magical, yet totally natural and simple.

 

 

 

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Sunday

No Nut - Day 41

2h Meditation
20m reading
25m Bentinho course
1h walk
15m work out
1h30 study
10m affirmations
25m journaling

= 5h40

 

 

[Shin]

I have told the grill friend it's not gonna happen, I didn't want to make her sad but making her believe it could happen would be cruel.

I hope I was just a crush, but even then, I can sense from her or even people in general that they need this condition of someone to love them to feel love.

An unconscious, untold, conditioned belief that love is scarce and can only come from an another person.
This is all just a shame, what happens when we feel love for someone else is just that we put down our shield, that we allowed us to be vulnerable, to let go of our sense of self for a moment.

Love is not scarce, it's literally what we are, it is endless and eternal,
You can't run out of it,
You can't run from yourself  

 

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Monday

No Nut - Day 42

6h30 class
2h meditation
10m affirmations
20m walk
20m reading
0m work out
20m journaling

= 9h40

 

 

[Shin]

I forgot to tell this.

Yesterday evening I was having diner with a friend.
She didn't know what bondage or Shibari meant (don't google this if you're on Nofap ).
So since she's a bit too innocent about those kind of things, I explained quite in depth what it was ...

She couldn't look at other women the same way after this  
And 5 minutes after she says to me that Women starts to get visually attractive to her 

 

Quote

 

You simply permit the pain to come up into your heart and pass through.
If you do that, it will pass.
If you are sincerely seeking truth, you'll let go every time.

[…]

There is a law you will learn very early in the game because it is an unavoidable truth.
You will learn it early, but you will many times while trying to adhere to it.
The law is very straightforward: When your stuff gets hit, let go right then because it will be harder later.

The Untethered Soul (Newharbingerpublications)- Page 74 - Michael A. Singer

 

 

It's really not complicated to be joyful, you just let the parts of you that are hurt go.
You can only do that by letting  out and facing your pain.
If you hide the pain, resist it, or mental masturbate about it, it will only get worse.

So don't flee from your own shadow, it will only intensify and become even more painful to face later on.
You really need to be honest with yourself, because you're already in pain, this isn't a life to be hurt and fearful of so many things.

Joyfulness is not to have your life how you want it to be, but to be totally ok with how it is in each moment,
Those are two different things, and most often, they don't go along, at all.

It's only difficult until you've cleanses some of your shadows, you just won't be able to go back once you've seen how powerful and free you are.
Then it will become easy to let go and move on from things that triggers you, even really painful and sad situations, the things you fear the most now.

It's easy, but painful.
It's the only way to life a happy life though,
And it is that you want,
Right ?
 

 

 

Oh and today I also saw,
The most beautiful eyes I ever seen,
Again,

 

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Tuesday

No Nut - Day 43

2h Meditation
45m Walk
30 Journaling
20m Reading
15m Work Out
10m Affirmations

= 4h15

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

It's been a while I didn't take the time to be grateful for everyone and everything that happened to bring me to this point,
So I want to thank everyone and remember what I had to go through to be here now.
I also want some people I know here, that are lying to themselves as of how their life situation is, and how it's not possible to go through their pain,
That they can, you always can, and you will if you make the choice to be happy.
 

First thing I want to say, is that I was a very shy kid all my childhood, with little to almost zero social activities.
In time that leads to all sorts of social issues, starting middle school I couldn't even talk to people correctly, which leads to a lot of anxiety and in late middle school a fear of people in general.
Won't go into details but I was emotionally beaten and sometimes physically too by that point.

Starting High School I didn't trust anyone anymore, and I unconsciously decided to stay alone to avoid more pain (which was self inflicted ofc, but I didn't know).
After that I got all sorts of addictions in order to not have to think at how I was alone and completely fucked up in the inside (fortunately no drugs or alcohol/tobacco).

When after 10 years of depression, where life was basically just sadness mixed with hollowness, and also extremely boring and with 0 satisfaction, I finally couldn't lie to myself anymore,

It was extremely hard to have to face all the blockages in me, I had to face the discomfort to look at all the lies I've been telling myself for 29 years.
All the deceptions that was there with the sole purpose to not look within.
Of course I didn't want to look within, for this was the end of what I thought was me, the end of believing my thoughts or even the emotions they creates.
It was at this time that I discovered Leo and myriads of other teachers, which transformed me in a pace that I couldn't think it was possible.


So thank you Leo, you literally changed my life, and I will always respect you for that.
Even though I still don't understand why you're still an arrogant and condescendant dick sometimes, I still love you  

Thank you Shanmugam, your book was very good, and you always answered to me when I needed to, I don't know if you're still reading the forum, but If you read this I want you to know that I love you to  

Thank you Eckart Tolle, as of today I still think The Power Of Now is an exceptional way to be introduced spirituality, your ways of explaining how our ego mind works is wonderful.

Thank you Osho, for saying all the things that can trigger us, in all domain possible, that would always be a mark of a true and genuine spiritual being in my book.

Thank you Gandhi, you showed me what sacrifice and morale principales means, and even though right now I don't have the strenght to follow your exemple, I hope I will one day.

Thank you "Jar Jar Binks" for without you I wouldn't know what friendship or love are … 

 

I don't regret anything that ever happened, all this pain and suffering, tears and scream, 
I wouldn't change anything, for I wouldn't be the being I am now.

I could have gone total asshole or killed myself if all those situations wasn't perfectly aligned.
My pain was my salvation, without it I would never tried to look deeper and see what I am.

I hope those of you that still fear to go within will read this, and if you do don't compare your life to mine.
Suffering is relative, it doesn't matter the situations, the pain is still the same in the end.

There is nothing to fear to go within and see the darkness within, what is really scary, is to never look at it and let it consume you.
The peace, joy, aliveness and love that you can feel if you purge this darkness is worth billion times the years of purging the pain within you.

 

 

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Wednesday

No Nut - Day 44

Sitted Meditation 2h
Walking Meditation 30m
Affirmations 10m
Reading 20m
Work out 15m
Bentinho Course 0m
Class 5h
Journaling 1h

= 9h10

 

 

 

 

[Shin]

Best purchase of 2018

 

 

[Colin]

onenote?

[Shin]

13 hours ago, Colin said:

onenote?

 

[Shin]

 

 

 

 

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Tuesday

No Nut - Day 45

10m Affirmations
30m Walk
30m Bentinho Course
3h Study
2h Meditation
0M Work Out
20m Reading
30m Journaling

= 7h

 

 

[Shin]

What if our universe is inside an blackhole that is inside an another black hole that is inside an another blackhole ...
And what if those black holes are atoms, and in every atoms that exist the same principle applies (including your atoms and in every other objects).

Now add infinite timelines and parallel universe, with more (and less) than 4 dimensions, and with dimensions that cannot even be grasped or imagined, even by the most intelligent individual of the most advanced civilisation in all those universe that will ever live.

That would just be,

0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%

Of what infinity is, and even this is an absudly high number, because it is actually infinite and cannot be quantified (it's just to give an idea).

 

Want to grasp what God is with your mind ?

 

 

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Friday

No Nut - Day 46

Affirmations 10m
Bentinho Course 10m
Walking meditation 40m
Work Out 15m
Reading 20m
Meditation 2h
Journaling 25m

= 4h

 

 

 

 

Edited February 1, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

Sorry guys, there is no drama to read in this journal  
I'm not the kind of person to socialize a lot too, so when I came here for the journal, I don't even know what to write.
Don't worry though, at some point shit will hit the fan and you'll be well served again, maybe, perhaps, eventually,
 

So today I will explain where I am on the spiritual journey (gotta fill the journal somehow ).

Nothing really changed in 1 year I think, I am at a place where everything is peaceful.
There is an unending silence and motionless "I can't say what" in me, wherever I go or do or think, it's there and it's me.
It doesn't matter what happens, I'm always there watching, and there is no time, in the sense that nothing really change, ever.

My head feels empty and if the sensations about it weren't there, and If I haven't the concept of me having a head, I wouldn't even know it's there (that's a lot of if, but still).
It's like there is a wrap up of sensations around the head, but in the head there is nothing, and it's the same thing about the body.
The more conscious I become, the less I actually feel there is even a person in there, it's just a lot of perceptions and mental preferences, rather than a soul or an individual.

I am both my thoughts/mind and not.
I still am identified to my thoughts, I can feel the identification, but at the same time, I am not them because I experience them as an another perceptions too and see them from a distance too (so to speak, there is no way to describe this I think).
There is really a sense of doership when I think, I can sense there is a "me" in every thought, as subtle as it is, which is also paradoxical since I see it and not identify after all.

Bodily wise, It's as if I'm watching myself from a distance, yet there is nothing that changes in the domain of perception, I still see and experience the body the exact same way.
I am not having emotions, emotions are going through me, the same can be said about the body, it's more like the body is in me than I am in the body, even though paradoxically I still feel I am in the body (I know ).
The separation between me and other objects feels arbritrary, I feel it is only there because Ithere is this identification to the body, which I somehow know is not true, as if in one little shift in perception would destroy this paradigm in an instant.

The best way to describe this, would be that I am a 3D camera locked on a specific body/mind, experiencing everything from its point of view.
There is so much paradoxes already at this level of perception, that my mind has completely stopped to understand what's happening and what will happen, there is just complete faith in the process.
Can't say faith in god or the universe, or life, because it doesn't feel like it's separate from me at all, yet I am included in it, and it's in me too.

I'm writting now, but it's more like the fingers move instinctively at the same time that thoughts appears, and they are both experienced at a distance, and yet still feel very alive, close, intimate and inseparable from me.

 

 

 

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Saturday

No Nut - Day 47

Affirmations 10m
Walking meditation 25m
Work out 0m
Bentinho course (pause as suggested)
Journaling 1h10
Meditation 2h
Reading 20m

= 4h

 

 

 

[Shin]

The more you look, the weirder it gets ?

 

LOOK AT IT !

 

Edited February 3, 2019 by Shin

[Shin]

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572245379/?tag=uts-website-20

 

 

Buy it

It will transform your life,
If you actually do what is being communicated in the book  

Freedom is just one step away …

 

 

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Sunday

No Nut - Day 48

Meditation 2h
Walk 20m
Affirmations 10m
Reading 15m
Leo Video 2h30
Work Out 15m
Journaling 20m
Study 3h20
Bentinho Course (Pause as suggested)

= 9h10

 

 

 

- Gandhi

 

 

 

[Shin]

Here we go again.
Drama mod on (didn't take that much time )

I don't think it's going to stop anymore.
It may pass for a while, but it will come back again, and again, and again, until I surrender.

Whatever that is, it must be important, since what my mind automatically comes up with is "let it go, let it all go".
This fear that comes when the heart contract, this is no ordinary fear.
I'm not even sure the heart is actually contracting, it may just be energy in it or around it.


This isn't the same kind of fear that came when I had to face all my inner issues in the past,
This is far more powerful and existential than I ever experienced, even the deepest fears and discomfort I ever had.

There is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fear,
I distract myself all the time not to sit with it alone, except when I do my daily sitted meditation.

It really feels like I'm gonna die if I wasn't pushing it away.

I watched myself cry before writting this, I don't even know why.
I can only assume, but I don't even want to do this, because it would just scare me even more.
 

It's just not going to go away, and I'm not sure I want to.
One way or another I'll have to face it again anyway
.
At the same time I don't want to face it, it's just too scary.
But I don't have a choice, so I have to.


You think it would help to know all the concepts and what could happen.
So so wrong …  

Pray for me 
 

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Monday

No Nut - Day 49

Class 4h
Affirmations 10m
Work out 0m
Bentinho course (pause as suggested, starting tomorrow again)
Walk 20m
Reading 25m
Meditation 2h
Journaling 25m

= 7h20

 

 

[Nahm]

@Shin Are comments appropriate / welcomed on your journal? I really never looked at them, not sure. 

[Shin]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Shin Are comments appropriate / welcomed on your journal? I really never looked at them, not sure. 

Yes, I don't mind.

[Shin]

 

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I can't believe I've wasted decades of my life with all those other things ...
What are all those other things I was looking for...

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ???!!!

Relationship ?!
What the fu… SEX ???!!!
Money ?! Success ?!

LIKE WTF WAS I THINKING ???!!!