Insecure about my sexuality

[youngshinzen]

I‘m 26 and unsure whether I like men or women.

When I was about 5 years old I had dreams of running around the city and just touching women everywhere I wanted to, it felt like absolute freedom.

Later in school I was having many disputes with girls, there was always an aggressive tension “in the air“ and I remember being called asshole a few times, but not the cool asshole, the one that hates women and has to be punished. A label that is part of my self image today.

At the age of ten I had a crush on a girl and prepared some chocolate with a note. I felt so stiff and angry, I didn‘t want to show my emotions (not sure if it were true emotions or conditioning). So in the end I gave it to her and said: ”You can take that if you want to. Whatever.“

Later I had crushes on different girls, but especially one for a longer time that I saw as mysterious and better than me. I felt like the strange outsider who is spying on her. Once I answered a mathematical equation very fast and she turned around to me and was shocked by how I did that: That was the highest high I could get, a girl being in shock about my skills (So there‘s still the emotion of fear/shock playing a big role).

During my teenage years (and until this day) I masturbated to women.

When I was 16 I had a buddy and we became best friends. I was very needy with him, one reason being my insecurity due to anxiety disorder that later turned into depression and psychosis. We had many arguments and I had trust issues when he didn‘t want to meet me and had excuses for that.

During that time I tried to sleep with a girl but didn‘t get an errection, only a few times before that while kissing. So that was quite normal, but the relationship was very hard for me and I always saw some kind of hate from her against me. It only held for a month.

I told my buddy about not getting hard and when we had a fight later, he posted it on social networks, with many different things. It was hardcore bullying and it’s still my deepest trauma.

After that I looked for the most innocent being (now I was 20). She was 16 and very shy and calm. The first week I forced myself to believe that I could marry her, after that I was always doubting whether I love her. This went on for 1,5 years...There were many reasons why I thought I couldn‘t break up, but it was horror for me to keep this going. I was angry, irritable and suicidal 70% of the time. We had lots of sex, but it was always a way to release my stress. I never felt love or intense body sensations while sleeping with her.

Later I had a few short relationships, but still wasn‘t in love. I also had panic everytime I slept next to a girl. All this made my depression worse and I lost my sense in life. This lead to an awakening and a rebirth, that showed me I’m nothing perceivable. It also turned into a psychosis, during which I got together with a beautiful girl I admired. My libido was very high but we only tried sex a few weeks later, which didn‘t work out because at that point I fell into depression again. But even when I felt content between the high and the low, I knew that I don‘t need her. In my mind, I saw myself being old, sitting alone on a mountain.

From then everything got better, because I was more connected to my authentic self. I improved a lot of things and last year participated in a bioenergetic workshop (after many solo sessions). During the last day I was very in touch with my emotions and felt like I‘m screaming out a demon/fear out of me. Then I reached out to my parents (imagining I’m 10 years old) while holding my hands high and talked to my dad about girls: “You‘re a player dad, how does this thing with the girls work?“

At that point it hit me: I have no emotional connection to women.

I started crying heavily and before everyone left, they gave me a hug and said that it’s ok. I felt like I was diagnosed with an illness and had to face a new reality. During the workshop I was also more drawn to a guy (who was very kind and had nice blue eyes) than to a girl I thought was attractive. With this girl I also had an argument before during a group session and when we screamed at each other (which was hard for me, because I‘m afraid of being angry at women - remember the asshole label?) I opened my eyes and let my anger flow out of them. My whole nervous system was activated and I was shaking heavily. But as mentioned, during the workshop, I felt close to her, but I still had a self-image of being a romantic man and it didn‘t feel authentic to me.

A few months have passed and in the meantime I observed that when I look at women, they’re just a shallow appearance, I can notice something negative about them in a split-second. In General I also have  negative judgements towards women because I don‘t see an emotional value in them, at max a functional one (enlightenment showed me equality of all beings, but I don‘t feel it consciously). I love my mom, she is probably the best one I could have, but it‘s also a superficial emotion.

When I looked at some men since then, they seemed to have a face filter, it looks much smoother and beautiful than when I look at girls. Sometimes the eyes of some guys were glowing and animé-like.

My theory and maybe excuse not to take the next step:

My mom was pregnant with me while escaping war, which probably lead to my vulnerability. Maybe I projected my shadow onto her, because a lot of things I see in myself, but do not accept, I see in women (fear, unconscious behavior, not being alert or intelligent enough...)

Edit: I see some homophobic tendencies within myself and there’s fear when I read the word gay, but there‘s no conscious negative judgement towards gay people. I‘m more afraid of being it myself, which is why I don’t want to take the action and try it. I also don‘t want to force getting to know someone for that purpose. 

Now after rereading this I feel inauthentic and like I know the truth. But I‘m still confused. Maybe there‘s something deeper that I don‘t see. (Edit end)

I‘m grateful if you have read everything until here, I don‘t like to write much but I found every detail important. Thanks in advance for expressing your opinion.

Edited December 2, 2018 by youngshinzen

[Bluff]

this is too much text

why asking man or woman? why not take man and woman? why not wait what time will bring?

[outlandish]

It's simple: are you attracted to men? You're gay. Are you attracted to women? You're straight. Are you attracted to both? You're bi.

[zenjen]

It sounds like you have a built up resentment toward women and you're worried that your emotions toward women will get you punished. You also sound like you have a deep-rooted insecurity that you are inferior to women and it makes you feel aggressive toward them.

Simply by writing all of this, it seems like you really want to mend your emotional relationship with women to the point where you feel like you can love them. I wouldn't say this necessarily means you are gay, but perhaps it causes a lot of confusion.

Quote

Maybe I projected my shadow onto her, because a lot of things I see in myself, but do not accept, I see in women (fear, unconscious behavior, not being alert or intelligent enough...)

It looks like you are onto something here. Everything we see in others that triggers us can be a facet of ourselves that we don't want to face.

Here are a list of questions I put together for examining my shadow. I would suggest journaling these out to get the best results.

Pick a situation or person, past or present, that you have felt strong negative emotions towards, then answer the questions below:

• What judgments arise when you think of this situation/person?
• How do you judge yourself based on the feelings this situation/person brings up?
• How have these types of judgments affected your life in other areas?
• How can you learn to accept or let go of these judgments?

 

I feel like @Emerald might be able to help more with this question.

[Emerald]

@youngshinzen I would wager that this issue comes down to being out of touch with the feminine aspect of yourself for fear of what awarenesses it might bring about. This is actually a relatively common phenomenon among men (it's called Anima Possession), but for you it may have been exacerbated due to your projections upon your mom. And it tends to manifest as a deep longing for sexual connection with women, as well as a deep hatred and resistance against women. So, it's a very conflicting pattern of attraction/repulsion toward women because of the attraction/repulsion reaction toward your own feminine side.

And since you'd be projecting you own repressed Anima (which is angry and resentful toward you for rejecting it), you won't be able to see women for who they really are. You'd only see your projection onto them, which is antagonistic due to the repressed relationship you have with your inner woman.

Also, if you have a lot of shame in being feminine or being seen as feminine, this could be the root of the issue. Especially since we relate the human emotional capacity to femininity. So, a man who feels like he shouldn't be feminine, will become cut off from his emotions which will really muddy the waters as well. This is resistance against emotions is probably what's causing the sexual confusion, as well.

That's my take on this. Does this sound like it rings a bell?

Edited December 4, 2018 by Emerald

[youngshinzen]

@Emerald I'm close to crying and feel relief, because I hope that you're right. Yes, I am ashamed of being feminine. I started to consciously dance like a woman at home because I feel that these emotions want to be expressed through movement. But there's no way I could do that while someones watching me  Looking forward to talk to you soon.

[Emerald]

49 minutes ago, youngshinzen said:

@Emerald I'm close to crying and feel relief, because I hope that you're right. Yes, I am ashamed of being feminine. I started to consciously dance like a woman at home because I feel that these emotions want to be expressed through movement. But there's no way I could do that while someones watching me  Looking forward to talk to you soon.

I look forward to talking with you too.