The Dark Knight Rises

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I'm home these days, after a bit of coughing my company sent me home until things are clear. To be honest, quite happy with that, since I was longing for less work and more time for me. Take care yourself!

[Gladius]

This week I'm home, in quarantine like everyone else. I got some days off work because I felt funny, but I don't think I have the virus. I'm using this time to relax, work on a short film,  do exercise, reading and meditate. So it's not going bad after all. I did allow myself to watch porn. I was already quite frustrated sexually and it's going to be at least one more month. Thus, I needed that.

Otherwise everything's fine. It's weird to say that, but I can see benefit from this crisis. I was quite anxious before that and I learned to value stuff like health and relationships. The job I've been complaining so much about turns to be safe in these times. My mind and I are learning to be friends and take care of each other. 

By the way, I shaved my head. It's higienic if I'm going to stay home for a while. Besides, every time I look myself in the mirror I see someone who looks like a monk, and it gives me peace

Have a nice day and stay safe!

[Gladius]

Loving this quarantine, folks.

I'm still in the same position than last week. Days off from work and plenty of time to observe myself.

I'm starting to see when I'm acting from my ego and when I'm doing it from my essence. Working on that and taking care of myself.

I gave up hypericum and I did felt a lack of energy. I observed that and I do think I'm bouncing back already.

Of course, without stress and still getting paid life is good even in the middle of this apocalypse. But I needed this, I'm sorry! Still, I hope the best for everyone and that life goes back to normal, with all learning gained.

Have a nice day and stay safe!  

[studentofthegame]

Don't feel guilty about turning a negative into a positive where possible. It's a healthy attitude to have. 

Essence as you mentioned is good thing to think about. When we over-complicate things in our mind and practise, it's good to strip away the superfluous and excess and ask ourself what is the essence? 

Keep it up.

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame thank you sir!

[Gladius]

This last week I still ate some junk food and watched porn "because pandemic". I had enough of that, and it didn't even make me feel better.

Yoga, meditation or reading NLP books have been really helpful though, so I'm going to keep doing more of that.

The biggest realization these days is how stress from my full-time job was literally killing me. The first thing I'm gonna do is figure out a solution for that.

Lately, I had been trying to keep up with a perfection standard not only by working, but also exercising to have a perfect body, trying to fulfill creative projects, and pleasing everyone around me. No wonder I was exhausted. Realizing that is helping me to focus in things that matter to me.

This week's intention is to go back to healthy habits, and start taking action towards my goals. No stress though.

Have a nice day and stay safe!

[Gladius]

This week I've been back to healthy habits: eating, yoga, reading...

However, another realization I had is I need to actively look for a couple. I've been back to online dating. I had discarded those websites for the last years because I wanted a real romantic connection. It's going to be there in the background, and it helps me be less bitter and needy on my day to day. 

With this self-actualization stuff I've been too strict with myself somehow, trying to be some kind of marvel superhero. I do tried to slay my biggest demons but it's ok to enjoy life a little bit as well. Specially, I noticed I'm easily hurt when I'm rejected or abandoned, so this is a way to get slowly back in the game. Actually, when I don't receive any text messages or calls I'm triggered with terrible emotional flashbacks. Being aware of that has been more difficult that it might look like.

The intention for this week is just to be more aware of this stuff. Otherwise, I think I'm doing great.

Have a nice day and stay safe!

Edited April 13, 2020 by Gladius

[Gladius]

Today I finally asked my company to work part-time. It was in my head for the last few weeks and it seemed like the right thing to do, even in the middle of this apocalypse. They said no, for the time being. I was relieved to have tried.

However, I have now two weeks vacation which I'm gonna use like I did. Yoga is feeling great. Just realized my neediness towards other people, specially women. Working on that.

Not much more to say. Have a nice day and stay safe!

[studentofthegame]

Neediness is a painful (and potentially destructive) place to be. I wrote about my dealings with it quite a bit, early in my journal. It is as much about the past as any fixation in the present. It's good that you recognise it and aren't in denial. In fact, that's the key.

Good to read you are doing yoga. What effects do you find it has on you? Keep it up.

 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame Thanks! Yeah, I guess we have to accept first what's going on in our mind, and then be responsible for it.

Yoga makes me more aware of myself. Whenever I feel I'm being neurotic, I remind to just breath and focus on my body. It's helping.

[Gladius]

For some reason I set myself stupid strict rules like only writing here once a week. I'm gonna change that and do it as much as I want to or not at all.

It's been several weeks now since I'm not working. Before I was in sick leave, now I'm on vacation. At the beginning I was quite excited about it, and even productive, writing and so on. Lately, I do feel less energy. I spend days on the couch, watching movies.

Every now and then I find myself overthinking about the past. I can see some progress there, because now I can catch myself in those loops and stop them by repeating some mantra like "being a victim doesn't help" or "breath and be back".

What I'm struggling the most now is to find passion or enthusiasm in something. This was a problem before the quarantine but I'm more aware of it now. My intention is to really tune in with my intuition and take action only what I genuinely feel I want to do. I will be selfish when I feel I have to.

Next week:

- Yoga is helping so I'm gonna keep doing that.

- Taking hypericum again.

- Sitting 5 minutes per day to write something. Just 5 minutes.

[studentofthegame]

The yoga sounds very beneficial. That's good.

What sort of writing do you want to do? Do you want to write a book? 

[Gladius]

@studentofthegame I like writing in general, but I specially like writing scripts, meaning movies. I already wrote some and have more ideas to develop. Since 4 years I made that my "life purpose". My intention this year was to shoot some short films in a professional way, and I want to use this time to prepare that.

I did the "30 days of yoga challenge with Adriene" on Youtube and I liked it.

[Gladius]

This is my last week off work. Finally I'm going to follow a schedule in order to be real productive at least a couple hours every day. This last month has been great for resting my body and learning a lot about myself. Now it's time to adopt a more active mindset. 

Shoutout to my neighbour:  He has been encouraging me to keep working on goals, and I helped him running some errands. We have built a strong relationship these weeks. I think it's been a long time since I didn't connect with someone at that level, and somehow that's healing too. I needed to regain trust with someone. Lately I was really careful to avoid people-pleasing habits and that lead to emotional isolation, if that makes sense. It's good time to start opening up, even with this caos going on.

There's something I've been observing more and more. Every time I'm able to get out from the victim mindset (which is often now), I feel physically weird. It's like I'm not wired for happiness and my body tells me I shouldn't feel good. I cannot guess where else are these comedowns, out of nowhere. I'm glad I'm aware of that now, and can work with yoga, breathing or hypericum.

So that's it, the intention for this week is to create space for taking some action.

All the best, folks!

[tenta]

That is easy, other than limiting yourself to only 10 minutes of social media.

[Gladius]

@tenta Sorry, I don't really understand what you mean

[Gladius]

During these quarantine times I'm having strong battles against my ego.

I realized every time I feel bad somehow, either rejected or abandoned, my head starts blaming my parents for all my current trouble. I took a step back and asked myself why is that. Doing that I avoid taking responsibility for my situation and my past mistakes. It happens the same overthinking about some friend who betrayed me, or complaining about my job. It literally hurts being aware of such pain,  but I had this breakthrough today.  Writing it here will help to remember it from now on, and hopefully clears my mind a little bit.

[Gladius]

Back to work this week. It's been tough working night shift. 

Despite the breakthrough I posted last week, my mind still plays dirty games on me. Good news I spot it earlier so I don't get in the loop. When I realize the separation between me and my thoughts, I often smile or even laugh. Seems my ego strikes back when I'm physically weaker: hungry, sleepy, tired, etc. It's unbelievable how much time and energy can consume negative thinking. I ordered the book "Taming your gremlin" which seems quite appropriate to deal with this situation.

Reducing screen time has been also essential. Even I have nothing else to do, I'd rather lie on my bed resting and being mindful, than check my goddamn phone once again. Of course every now and then I fall back to same self-defeating behaviors, but I can see some progress in that sense.

Yoga is indeed helping. It's been now 40 days of practice in a row and I do sense benefits in my posture and mental health.

Chasing success, women, comparing to others and people-pleasing habits are no useful anymore either.

Living in the comfort zone means healing, and that's not going to hurt for a while. Still, I keep an eye on job openings and are really clear about my goals.

 

 

 

[Gladius]

This week I'm obsessively reading, in particular "Shadow dance" by David Richo and "Love what is" by Byron Katie. I had huge "aha moments" with these books. What happens then is confiusing: I might think for a while I'm definitively healed, and everything looks shiny and great. Next day, though, I'm back to similar overthinking patterns. I'd say there is a progress, but really, really small. I guess they express a good mindset to approach life, but sometimes I'm doubting.

I realized I'm specially triggered by stress, so my priority right now is to look for an alternative way of income.

[studentofthegame]

Glad to hear you are getting some reading done. The byron katie book is one i plan on reading at some point. Have you printed off the worksheets? I believe there are some available to work with alongside the book.

I know what you mean about your source of income. I have to be happy in a job, feel i have some autonomy and freedom. I'm looking for the post that will suit me, it can be a bit of a long game as i'm sure you know.