I hate my mind! Why is it this hard to know what the fuck I want?!

[Key Elements]

21 hours ago, kieranperez said:

I try and genuinely sit down every day to try to plan and figure out what do I actually want but NOTHING. 

One little thing that I want to tune in on: what skill do you like to do? If you don't know, you can find it through doing something fun, like a hobby on your free time.

For instance, I love art--love to paint, but I discovered that, it's hard to market this. I love to write too and found myself writing a foreign language automatically. This is marketable--understanding two languages. And so, I started teaching foreign language via arts and crafts. That's part of my life purpose. 

You may want to talk to a career counselor at an university or someone knowledgeable of marketable skills and pick something you would like to do on your free time. Maybe it's something related to your hobby.

[nightrider1435]

I would ask yourself what is positive in your life right now? What are you not appreciating in your life right now? Do you have people that care about you? Do you have a roof over your head every night? A bed to sleep in? We get so caught up in the negatives that we completely lose sight of what is good right now. As long as you keep your awareness there you will keep fueling that mindset, like pouring gasoline on a fire. Speaking from my own direct experience in dealing with my own darkness, in times like these often life is trying to teach you a lesson, big or subtle lessons, so remain present. 

[kieranperez]

First off, thanks you to all of you ❤️

I’m still distressed and have that sorrow and dead feeling in the center of my chest but it’s nice to actually get some positive feedback at least. 

I’m talking to @Emerald on Friday to hopefully get some things cleared up and sorted out. 

To be honest, deep down I know what I want but I feel like I’m being psyched out of the challenge because my desire is so counter to what most people do. For me, the central core around my life purpose is enlightenment and not just for me but for impact on the world which is to not say I want to just become some spiritual teacher like Mooji or Adyashanti or become a Zen Master or something which in a sense is one of the challenges because in a sense that’s easier. It’s pretty simple really, join an ashram or monastery or find a teacher, do that whole thing for decade or two or three and then you gain your barings hopefully and then start to teach. But what happens when you can envision you doing something so unorthodox and original but requires so much work like studying psychology, learning saying healing, psychotherapy, different schools of consciousness, learning how to become a leader, mastering running, reading a lot, oh and also diving deep into enlightenment work hardcore and your own personal goal is to become a sage and you know that’s possible for you but requires MASSIVE work that demands a sort of environment conducive to do that and all that stuff? My vision in a sense is so daunting and such a shift in lifestyle and paradigm and extremely difficulty that to get the self mastery, the deep levels of consciousness and also love I need and want to have, the interpersonal and leadership skills, the writing skills, the solitude, etc. At the end of the day I don’t want to submit to just some orthodox Zen order or something like that. Enlightenment is the core of my life purpose and deepest yearning because at the end of the day, I personally don’t get how a person can go an 20, 30, 40 years (let alone a full lifetime) not knowing who they are and tell me they have a good life. Yes there’s ignorance and culture and all that stuff and that’s the nature of self deception, ok fine but I still don’t fundamentally accept that as an answer. This is what I think I got the most from @Leo Gura and this whole site it’s ‘hey! This is what’s possible. This is what you can know and live and become! This is possible FOR YOU!’ This is why I teared up at the end of the Ox Herding video where Leo said ‘you know too much. What are you going to do? Just go back asleep after you’ve been told all this stuff? This is your life’s calling.’ 

It’s bridging the gap between these where I’m at now and doing all that I said and also they other stuff involved in my vision because what I would need to become is so polar opposite of where I’m at now in my life. I have no yearning to be involved in society anymore but this is the challenge I guess on why this stuff is so hard and why the acceptance of some abstract call is so difficult because you’re pursuing not only the death of you but also when you want to be original and all this other stuff I’ll spare the details on, you realize how you’re path might be even harder and this other stuff. 

Also I think yesterday and today are reactions to my really positive mood 2 days ago and I was being brought back down by homeostasis. Just a thought though

[Key Elements]

@kieranperez you got to survive first, right? Look at Maslow's diagram. Even monks/zen masters/gurus/etc., have to take that into consideration. I've been to a temple where the monks have to have at least a masters degree in Buddhism in order to qualify to become a monk there. They never marry or have children in their lifetime. They are ascetics. There are always qualifications when you join. Do you want to join for good or temporary? If it's only temporary, then that particular temple will only allow you to stay for a week for a price. I heard one of the older monk had a heart attack, and a temple member supported him by taking him to the hospital for treatment. It costed the member $10,000 in hospital bills.

The other option is to find a career that you like and turn that eventually into a life purpose by also incorporating entrepreneurship, spirituality, and non-duality. Yes, actualized.org is an example. But, you could do that with a skill that you like. The skill set that Leo is using here is life coaching.

[K VIL]

you run with the wrong frame.

say you have ten thoughts. you know you do. each is a frame.

if you run with one frame, it results in this post (not bad as many people here found it useful i guess). If you run with a different thought, like "what will i make for lunch today"? You can take that in INFINITE directions. As you become more clever and adventurous it becomes easy to  give until you have something legitimate to offer for money.

Not easy but doable 

[K VIL]

also try slowly building momentum. not quick not instant. like applying for another job. just start with the google search "
[insert location] jobs. Only one assignment a day. Why?? What does it have to do with your purpose? It's about developing discipline and seeing where your resources and creativity can engage to bring an end result. This may induce a confidence in ya you had forgotten

[Solace]

@kieranperez You are not meant to know what you want right now in your life, otherwise you would know! 

Where you are at is perfect. Life is giving you one of the biggest lessons here, to be okay with having no idea what you want and to face all your fears surrounding that projected through the people you love, and your thoughts and emotions.

One day you will know exactly what you want, and it won't be you who figures it out. It will be given to you as a random idea, or a strong impulse. So enjoy the experience of not knowing. Own it. Live it. 

All you can do is accept this, and start the journey of embracing your heart in each breathe you take. Whether you are in your heart or not you can't miss what you are destined to experience which may be a lifetime of having no drive, or maybe in a few years you will want to start a business. But until then, it is wise to remain in your Heart, where dependant on nothing you can feel the Unconditional Bliss that you truly are, that is not dependant on knowing or not knowing, or career.

From that place, no question will arise, or doubt or fear about the future if that is what you want to be free from. Or you can stay in your Head and experience the consequences of that, and that is perfect too. These are the 2 primal locations to live from. Change the foundations, and all else will be revealed and given. 

Edited November 29, 2018 by Solace

[Key Elements]

@kieranperez just wanted to say, do what you feel is right. There's no right or wrong answers. These are just tips. But I must say from my experience, that what you were meant to do in this life could be hidden within since childhood. It could be a matter of uncovering it. The process of uncovering it could be fun. It doesn't have to be painful or uncomfortable. To me, the tip of keep exploring in fun ways sound correct because you do have a choice of uncovering it sooner rather than later. Don't make it a big rush to uncover it. That could be stressful.