Childhood Issues Still Controlling Me

[OhHiMark]

Hi guys, firstly i'm glad to be here, a big fan of Leo and his approached so when I found he had a forum, I was delighted.

 

Anyway, my issue is that from a very young age I was exposed to a negative house hold, negative opinions on love and caring and violence. I'm now 30 years old

and I still feel like my day to day Life is 90% fight or flight. The slightest thing can make my blood boil or make me self conscious but I keep it all inside, outside I appear calm and unassuming. My relationships suffer as I jump from one bed to the next, finding imperfections in partners and manipulating them to gain whatever I want. 

Everyone says I'm a very nice, calm person but inside there's WWIII, I'm very healthy, I do acting and modelling so put myself out there which I thought would help with the self conscious part of me (As a teenager I didn't leave the house for a year straight as I was too self conscious in how I look i.e my upbringing with all the negatively told me I was no good, I hit bad depression, tried CBT, took medication which all helped but it helped in the sense that I could make it day to day with no depression but the overthinking, judging and manipulation continued. 

I now stand at 30 years old, my friends like me, I go gym 5 days a week but again, inside my head the child version of me is still fresh and controlling the scene, I take everything as offensive, I'm impatient which leads to mistakes and wishing I hadn't said/done something and my relationships suffer as I'm always looking for perfection, I'm paranoid that I'm not good enough to be a friend and subconsciously give negative affirmations, and because my brain is now wired this way, it's hard to notice and stop it because my mind sees it as normal.

I've had two addictions, porn and gambling and thankfully quit them both, the porn would explain why my relationships suffer, coupled with my childhood memories of 'love', this makes a dangerous concoction for me.

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Things I'm doing to change.

Meditation - Well needed rest from the world,

Questioning thoughts - Why Am I having this negative thought, is it true? Will it effect me next week? etc.

Being positive - Feels so good but so hard to do, I beat myself up when happy because I tell myself that it's only a 'shot' of dopamine.

Goals - Attending acting classes, training to be a personal trainer, going cinema alone and enjoying my own company whilst the old me is screaming with pain telling me "Don't do it, you need to go with friends or people will look at you"

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And breath, that's my introduction, I guess I'm after tips and advice on things that have helped others. Help when the brain just feels overbearing with negative thoughts and help with pushing back the demons of the childhood which have sculpted me.

Surprisingly (after what you've read) I'm very aware and understand everything I'm doing something wrong, but this in turn, is a vicious circle because if I'm not 100% happy, or I do get annoyed then I've failed for the day.

 

Ohhimark.

 

 

 

[oschi]

Looks that you have some things under your control. The question is, what does the combination of modelling, gym and search of perfection stuff really do to you? I know it is just an opinion but I think that this might make you an extremely superficial person and oh Jesus Christ nobody wants this. Not even you. Anyway, maybe I am totally wrong here. You know it can help to relive the bad times so that you finish with it once and for all. Cry or do whatever needs to be done. Confront yourself with your ego. Think about what happened and what you didn't like and be honest to yourself. If you want to you can send me a private message here to describe what happened to you. It feels great to open up to at least one person about the stuff that happens inside you. Shame often stops us from opening up in front of a bigger audience, that is how I actually feel^^

[OhHiMark]

Hi Oschi, thanks for replying.

I 100% completely agree with the acting/modelling for someone in my position, possible the worst industry to be in for someone who's trying to accept themselves and others, it makes you judge yourself, compare to others, and reject yourself if you don't get a casting, I think it's me trying to compensate for being "the one that nobody wanted" "The guy that spent most of his teens at home" "the guy who had a panic attack over his looks" And now I'm getting the opposite attention. 

I tell myself I'm doing it too create an opportunity to explore the world, live on island for while, give me more opportunity's then a 9-5 job, but the truth is I'm making up for lost time and nothing is ever good enough. I'm also looking to train as a personal trainer, which is more job that would benefit me - Helping others.

In regards to my childhood, my dad used to bring women home and "have fun" with them in front of me, he used to lock my sister and I in our rooms with the lights off (terrified of the dark) and we'd scream out heads off. Very abusive house hold, always fighting with my sister and still arguing everytime we speak but our relationship is closer than most as we both know what we went through but never speak about it.

I need to challenge myself every day or do something the inner me doesn't like i.e making myself look silly or not giving in to checking facebook.

I've started a morning routine which is Wake>Mediate>10/20 mins of learning Spanish>stretches and self afformations.

I just need to continue to challenge myself, my acting classes are an example but I come to a holt thinking (this is enough for now).

[oschi]

I know someone who comes from an abusive household. It really seems to help a lot to relive it. Maybe even understand what is going on in the mind of the abuser. The relationship to my parents improved because I went deep inside my mind and thought about what really annoyed me. It all comes down to silence the ego very much and accepting the past as what it is. Not trying to say that you have to shake hands with your dad. But to decide for yourself that your dad maybe never really gave you anything good so you might aswell just not give a damn about him.  Maybe you know all of this and you just have to be patient. Just make sure that there is no big pile of shit in your brain that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I love to quote the movie revolver: "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look"

[OhHiMark]

I used to hold blame to my parents and feel sorry for myself but then learned that regardless of blame, it's me that is now in control.

I'm currently finding negative experiences fascinating as it really gives me a chance to put things into practice, to smile when things get hard and deal with the issues for what they (most of the time, things you forget after a week) instead of falling into the dark pit.

The "new" me is still struggling to fight against the old me but as long as I keep control then slowly I'm hoping my brain is recovering.

 

"The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you would ever look" - Brilliant.

[Sarah Marie]

@OhHiMark First, let me say it's normal for people to suffer from their past. I had a lot of childhood trauma that I didn't even know was still bothering me until I found myself in a therapist office for an eating disorder and drug addiction. For me, that was the root cause and it sounds like you've already identified it's yours too. The only thing that helped me was to see a psychologist who was an expert in psychotherapy and could help me do inner child work. I highly recommend it. I always say that after I finished therapy I went from waking up everyday from surviving to living. Good luck to you. 

[OhHiMark]

Hey Sarah, thanks. Amazing what we can learn, I did visit a psychologist when younger but never mentioned about the 'step dad' episodes, the difference is now I would openly talk to them about it. I will see a professional for that extra help but I know there's so much I need to be doing (or shouldn't be doing) to improve myself.

This forum is wonderful, I've yet to join any forums dealing with the brain but already I've gained much information plus a big fan of Leo.

Do you have any books you'd recommend?

[zakur0]

Your post reminded me of my thing. I used to be VERY fat in childhood and everyone (sometimes family members too) would laugh at me which was extremely painful. At some point i naturally lost my weight and it turned out i look not bad at all but that ghost of the fat boy still follows me like a shadow. 

At the moment my life seems like an everyday battle with myself and im winning more and more. Thanks to meditation and overall spiritual development thing. And i like thinking about image of 'I guess its all about facing yourself in a brutally honest way and fighting demons. One day at the time.