Trip This Saturday, 2018-10-6, I wake up at 4:00. I eat my typical breakfast - oatmeal cooked with chia seeds, wild frozen blueberries, banana, and walnuts. I also cook a pumpkin soup for today and at 6:30 go to a gym. At 8:00 come home, take a shower, and prepare my room for the trip. At 9:00 I sit down to meditate. At 9:20 I drink half a cup of water with 19mg of 4-Aco-DMT. While waiting for the trip to start I am repeating "I am ready to die, I am ready to die, show me the truth, …". I don't feel anything until almost 10:00. Suddenly I start to feel very pleasant within my body. I am moving in the armchair like a loving cat in the owner's arms. All the time eyes closed. I am not sure shall I have the eyes open or closed and so occasionally I open them to see how my external perception has changed. I am looking forward to start to see colors and shapes and other entities, which I already can see vividly with eyes closed. I open my eyes a couple more times and figure that eyes closed is the way to go. I turn off the light and lay on my back in the middle of my bed. The windows are covered. The room is dark. I feel my body has a lot of space within. The clothes on it feel weird and redundant, but I know I'll feel cold if I get them off. I walk around my body - from one arm via the chest and shoulders to another arm. Suddenly the body seems very limiting. I feel like I am trapped in an old abandoned shell. I attempt to escape via the eye sockets and it seems I can do that rather effortlessly. I fly out into the space, but I feel heavy. I look behind and see I drag my body with me. But I don't resist. I just forget it and start exploring. I swim in colorful waves endlessly with joy for a long time until I discover some of my past memories come up. I see our old house I grew up in. The wooden kitchen. Maybe some of my family members, but not so clearly. I start to think how wonderful it must be to use this tool to heal past traumas. Suddenly I see I am in a therapy on a couch, where I hold my hand to the therapist indicating to wait a moment. It's coming. Let me focus. But soon it goes away and I am back swimming in the streams of colors. Most of the trip is streams of colors and shapes. I feel totally surrendered. I pleasantly talk with myself and truly enjoy the now. I travel through space like a fish in water. Eventually I take off my clothes, cover myself with blanket and feel very comfortable in my bed. I keep moving with my head left and right and left and right. Sometimes also the arms. Rotate my body from one side to another. At one point the streams and colors stop and everything turns very serious. I am in some building, dressed like everybody else, trying to mimic whatever everybody else is doing around me to fit in. I start to resist. I want my streams and colors back. I want to fly in space. A moment later I am back to space. Something like an hour later I start to question myself whether what I am doing is the right thing to do on a trip. Shouldn't I be meditating? Have an empty mind? I try to pull myself together. Suddenly another thought comes saying "No, I'll be doing that after the trip. I should totally surrender and go where the trip gets me." And so I surrender. But the same repeats several times - should I do this or that? what Leo would do? I keep classifying is this a trip behavior or integration behavior? Occasionally I open my eyes. I look at the ornamented ceiling, which I know in reality is completely white. I look at the covered windows and doors. I start to question myself: What's the difference between my old reality and this new reality? Is there a difference between being alive and being dead? Where is my ego located in all this? Where is my porn addiction? Can it even exist in this new reality? I try to think about the porn episodes that normally would make me excited, but all the bodies look like old abandoned shells. There is nothing exciting about old shells. Soon after I am back flying in space. I notice the color streams are no longer intense. I start to float in an empty space and enjoy the calmness. I notice the neighbors upstairs are making a lot of noise. They are moving furniture and drilling holes. I feel annoyed, but soon after realize I am being silly and I stop listening to it. I go to pee and check the clock. It is 12:15. I move my concentration to my empty stomach. My body should be sending a signal now that I am hungry, but I can't hear it probably due to being stoned. I keep investigating my stomach. I hear it making a hungry noise. I get up and go to the kitchen. I take an empty bowl and a big spoon. I scoop a good portion of pumpkin soup. While eating I felt a tremendous hunger. I repeat another portion. Still hungry. Suddenly I realize the trip is over. I feel slightly disappointed. I was ready to handle more. By 13:00 I am sober. After effects I was feeling very tired that day. A kind of tiredness, that normally develops into a headache. I went to bed at my usual time - 22:00. I woke up at 3:30 feeling a severe headache. I took a pill of acetaminophen and soon after fell asleep again for a couple more REM cycles. On Sunday I was not at my best. I felt tired. Usually I don't have fatigue issues. On Monday night I had a long deep sleep with very lucid dreams. I could compare these following days to one point in my life, when I was on SSRI antidepressants for a few months. Either the first week or the week after quitting - sleeping a lot, dreaming vividly, tired nevertheless. Today, Monday, I feel almost as normal. I am in good calm mood, feeling less shy than usually, and still not interested in porn. Take away Darken the room and lay comfortably in bed when taking any substance. Keep the eyes closed and be in meditative state during the onset. "I'm ready to die - show me the truth" works really well to keep the exploratory spirit up. Try to not to get into discussion about "proper" behavior when stoned. Future This month I plan to trip every Saturday. I have the following substance list to try in the order I haven't decided yet: 4-Aco-DMT 30mg 4-Aco-MIPT 15mg LSD 275ug DMT 20mg All substances are in powder form and I can change the dosage, except LSD, which are blotters. The 275ug for the first time is extreme and I am not willing to try unless I feel that strong dose of the other substances are peanuts for me. I consider to cut a blotter in half. They are really tiny - no more than 1x1cm. I'd love to hear any feedback and suggestions