Unraveling

[seeking_brilliance]

     Another list of (Samuel's) wants.  The current state of mind ( or whatever the hell that means ?) 

What I want.

•  I want to live life lucidly. To fully feel emotions and enjoy them, not hide from them.
•  I want to be on top of anxiety.
•  I want to feel good.
•  I want to continue to have mystical experiences, which excite me, and introduced me to self. To the idea of self.
• I want to understand what the body is.
• I want to understand what the mind is.
•  I want to know if there is a link between body and mind. If perhaps "Samuel" is some kind of hybrid of the two.
•  I want to understand what choice is.
•  I want to feel special. (very superficial egoic want, but oh well) 
•  I want to experience many amazing, incredible things - like the pure fucking awesomeness I have experienced in dreams, but can only remember the feeling, the impression of them... a few colors... A quick impression of the setting. These experiences were so incredibly awesome, like what I assume an lsd trip or dmt would be like. And I can't recall one in particular, but snippets.. Fractions of seconds of these experiences long forgotten have been popping up randomly the last few days. And when it does, i just know. Something stirs in my heart, with even just the faintest impression of these seriously fucking awesome dreams. I can feel it now just thinking about recalling these snippets. 
•  I want to be liked. By everyone. I seriously do. I know people who don't care what certain others think about them, but I've never been able to understand that mentality.
•  I want to feel a connection. And I know this to be a true heart felt desire, but funny thing is, I'm also socially awkward and shy away from (hide from) connections. Who wants the connection, and who is awkward? Truth and ego, right? Or perhaps it's the fault of the human body itself, whose brain does have some bearing on the mind, which I currently take (believe) to consist of the human brain but possibly more than that. They still can not tell us where data is stored. Perhaps it's not physical. Therefore the mind is not the brain (only), it contains the brain in its complex. I can't wait to find out someday how much of that explanation was built on assumptions!
• I want to finish this list of wants, but it's late and I've already given myself a lot to chew.

Signing off for now...

P. S. Luna says goodnight 

Edited October 31, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

• I'm tired of resisting. I feel like all of my addictive behaviors and shying away is a complete lack of wanting to face my (Samuel's?) reality.  Like I'm hiding from the truth. Restisting the now.  And funny thing is, that's actually where I want to be, right there, loving the present moment and content with everything. And I have so many opportunities to do that, and instead i find something to do to fill the void. The void of time, whatever that is. And it's usually something to make me feel better, even though some of them never truly achieve that... 

 

• Is it weird that im starting to see my body as a kind of pet? Like one that I love and take care of just as much as my (it's?) two beautiful huskies? Someone please slap some sense into me.  It has just been on my mind lately, possibly after leo's latest video of the difference (or non - difference) between the awareness that experiences everything, and the individual experiences. So from the awareness' (god, source, reality, whatever) point of view, It is not (only) the body. (the body is a portion of its whole.)  And whoever this "I" is that loves my pet dogs, has seen some similarities between my furry friends and this body that most people call Samuel. Both are animals. They both love to eat and require water to live. It's my (whose??) responsibility to provide these things to my dogs and to the body. My dogs heal when they are cut. This body does the same, without any input at all from whatever "I" could give it. 

 

• I often wonder what animates this body : a user, aka "I", or is it all being played out by an unending chain of cause and effect, like a perfect screenplay(in other words, natural order). I feel this is easy to say about the dogs, but there's a reason they call us intelligent animals, right? We have the ability to think, and reason, right?  So what's the truth? Do we think for ourselves, or do we only believe that we do? If the screenplay is perfect, it would be indistinguishable from reality, wouldn't it? Almost too believeable.  

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Gosh it gets lonely in here... Someone stop in and say hi... Or debate me... Or something ☺️

[Telepresent]

Alright then. Of your last two posts, one is coming from a perspective of feeling, one of thought. Are they the same things? Separate things? If separate, do they interrelate, and if so how? Don't think about it, examine and relate from experience

[seeking_brilliance]

An arachnid that has the head of a dog.  Awesome (and hilarious) evolution! 

[seeking_brilliance]

56 minutes ago, Telepresent said:

 Don't think about it, examine and relate from experience

I'm not sure if I can meet your expectations on that, or even sure what it means to not think about it...  But I'll try... Stay tuned

[seeking_brilliance]

@Telepresent  sorry, I was being a bit fecetious with that reply.      

Im sure there's plenty of overthinking here, but I think I see now what you (may have) mean(t) about relating from experience, instead of spewing out word salad, which I will try to do better going forward.  Still, I feel I should mention that usually when I do this, I go into a sort of free flow writing, and it helps to get alot of ideas and conceptualizations out of the head and visible so I can see them from another perspective. This method does lend towards getting off track of subject, but many times I'm surprised what insights come from getting sidetracked. (and if not insights, then an irrational belief that I can notice and correct, or others help me to do.)  This free flow writing also does not worry too much about hitting every non-dual note, or the correct pronouns (or lack of) that I may do when responding casually to posts on the forum. This writing is like a voice wanting to get it all out there. All on the table. And it helps when I am answering something, instead of coming up with my own topics. It likes it that way... I dunno... Ok so here goes... 

 

Are feelings and thoughts the same or separate?

I suppose feelings could be thoughts. Here I am talking about emotional feelings. What is an emotion, if not a thought?

When I feel angry, am I really angry, or do I only think I am? Is there even a such thing as anger, or have I only been imitating what I learn to be anger, and mistaking this anger for real?

Fear is another emotional feeling. So do I feel fear, or do I only mistake myself to feel fear? I mean, of course there is a definite feeling, but what if I only think/feel it to be fear? What if in the truth, the feeling is a type of excitement, and could be a desirable feeling, if only I didn't mistake it to be an undesirable one?

But fear and anger are definitely two different feelings. I can't explain exactly how they are different, but I know they are, through experience. I'm getting that writing out how to explain different emotions would be beneficial.... I can say that I feel a prickly heat in the back of the body, from the crown of the head, down the neck, sometimes the whole upper back, and in my face as well. I like to say that I don't feel anger often, but that's not really true. I'm just good at masking it, and releasing it, but I do feel it when things don't go the right way at work, because it is in the service industry and I have a strong desire to make all my clients happy.(There's an assumption there that I can make them happy when instead I could just be myself and their happiness is up to them. I don't think that's entirely fair though, because I also want to help the ones that don't have the power over their own happiness. Because I've been there. Gave that power away and fought tooth-and-nail to get it back. Of course that power never went anywhere, I just hid it from myself.) Anyway, depending on the issue at work I can feel fear along with anger, so using this as an example can be hard to say which feelings can be discerned between the two.

But the question is, are these feelings the same as thoughts? I'm still struggling with what are thoughts, and who thinks. So at this point, I could say either way that emotions are the same as thoughts, or that they are two separate things... without further context I just can't say. 

 

If separate, do they interrelate, and if so, how?

I do see a cycle, if separate, between thoughts and feelings. Whether thoughts arise from feelings, or feelings from thoughts, or neither, or both, I can't say. But I can say that they feed each other. When something goes bad at work, I feel the heat on my body and my thoughts begin to race about the implications of this. Many times  the implication is going to involve me going up to apologize to the customer and explain the situation. So these thoughts make me more angry, because I don't want (selfishly) to have to do that. But when something really bad happens, like a pet gets injured from grooming, which is sometimes common when putting sharp instruments to moving targets, I am overcome with fear, and anger at the situation. I know this is wrong to do but the emotional feelings alter my consciousness, and restrict thoughts that won't help to feed the said emotion. When angry, the thoughts tend to rise as more angry ones, I suppose as in hopes of survival of the feeling of anger. Thankfully, I am strong enough to break the vicious cycle quite quickly, at least with anger, and steer the thought train back to the lighter side. Perhaps I even invoke another feeling to aid me in this task, I can't say.

Well that's all I got for now...  maybe there will be some fresh ideas on this matter after a good night's sleep. 

Charlie says goodnight! 

 

Edited November 7, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[Telepresent]

4 hours ago, seeking_brilliance said:

I'm not sure if I can meet your expectations on that, or even sure what it means to not think about it...  But I'll try... Stay tuned

Something isn't letting me quote both your posts in a row. I haven't read your long post yet and I'm sure I'll come back and reply something, but you know not being able to grasp what people are saying, and not having intellectual words by which to reply, and grabbing an example from the insect world is just fucking smart. Well done you on finding and expressing! 

[Telepresent]

@seeking_brilliance ok. Take yourself when you're not at work. I mean it, on your day off, imagine them being short staffed and for whatever reason you don't have to work that day but it would be helpful if you did

Pull up pull up the footboards 

[seeking_brilliance]

10 hours ago, Telepresent said:

@seeking_brilliance ok. Take yourself when you're not at work. I mean it, on your day off, imagine them being short staffed and for whatever reason you don't have to work that day but it would be helpful if you did

Pull up pull up the footboards 

That's funny, because when I read this post I was in a very similar situation to what you described. Today is a late day for me. I'm used to going in anywhere from 7 to 8 a.m. every morning without missing a morning, for the past four years. Recently, we have been slow enough that I can afford to come in at 10 or even 11 sometimes on Wednesdays. Today is one of those days. I actually had a client at 9 , but I called my receptionist and told her to give it to another groomer, so that I could go take a walk in the park and reflect. While on the phone call I learned that the phone has been ringing, and the receptionist has been too busy to answer it. But I still went ahead and gave away my first client, in hopes to have extra time to walk in the park. Reading your post made me begin to think about it a little bit. First I struggled a bit. There's things that happen when I am looking, and I always worry about what will happen when I'm not there. And I felt bad that  I'm taking this time for myself when I could be there improving our customer service. If not only to help answer the phones.

Then I decided to let it all go. I'm tired of trying to control everything. My employees know what to do and what is expected of them. The worst thing that can happen is something will get messed up on a groom. And that may include me having to apologize to the customer. And I hate having to do that because... well... I don't know if it's because of fear or guilt or shyness. Course it could be all three. But I also realize that it could give me an opportunity to connect more strongly with the client. And if I were to approach it from that angle, it's possible that I could eliminate my fear of things going wrong completely. 

I've had this Insight before, so it just shows my inability to listen to myself. But also plays into how emotions do alter thought processes. A calm Samuel remembers this insight, but one in  fear only knows fear. Through experience, I've learned to introduce positive emotions when experiencing a negative one. I don't always remember to do this in the moment, but when I do it does work.

A lot of my issues come down to not listening to insights that I've had, or forgetting about them completely when I need them. I sure hope that gets better with time.

Edited November 7, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

     Tonight I want to do something a little different. This post will be focused on sharing gratitude for everything in life.

     First, I will use a method I like to do, letting go and writing the first thing that comes to mind, while maintaining the query: "I am grateful for-"

     It's a good look into how thoughts arise. It also shows how even though thoughts seem to appear from and dissolve into nowhere, each one totally independent of the one proceeding, they also seem to have some sort of interaction, through memory, perhaps, because just one can steer the random train in its favor. This method also sheds light on which topics seem to arise in thought more often, or with higher priority, (again, showing thoughts' relationship to memory)

     Ok so here goes. I am grateful for :

     Love. Romance. Lust. Quietness. Parties. Sex. Food. Anger. Smart. Jealousy. Salad. Jerry. Pam. Sampson. Mariah. Snow. Magic. Wonder. Sarah. Micah. James. Potter.

     (stopped to edit a part above, but I'll revisit this method at random to observe the nature of thoughts.)

     As you can see above, starting out with love steered the train of thoughts towards a very egoic interpretation of it. Then it broke away and went to random words, then from one name got kind of stuck spouting off random names, then went back to random things I'm grateful for, and then back to names.

     I've done this method before, but this is the first time I see the true potential of it. To study the nature of thoughts and how they constantly try to weave into some kind of story, like they can't help it. (sounds familiar...)

     So another way I will show gratitude (gratitude stands for great attitude) - - that thought came to me and made me laugh... Lol..

     Anyway, I will show gratitude by also steering the thoughts toward memory, whatever that means. Who steers it though, if there's no I?

 

     Regardless, for this post, I will use two methods to study the nature of thought: letting them come to me (listening in), and (somehow) steering them towards memory and consciously(?) listing what I'm grateful for.

     So now I'll start pulling from memory and go into listening for thoughts at random.

     I am grateful for Michael. I'm grateful for my business. I'm grateful for my mother (oops that one kind of slipped in without selecting something from memory)

     **(switched to text-to-speech, listing things out loud because my hand was cramping)**

   VvI am grateful for my employees. I am grateful for my washing machine at work. I am grateful for my pets Luna and Charlie. I am grateful for this beautiful house that I live in. I am grateful for my garden who I have tended and built. I am grateful for the sun which feeds my plants and the water that falls from the sky. I am grateful for love and kindness.

     Okay interesting, I'm noticing that I can't entirely steer it towards memory. It's more like a combination of doing that but I'm still hearing the thoughts pop up before steering it to a memory. Although it could be because I have switched to text to speech and am doing this faster than writing. With writing I can finish the thought before writing it down. But that doesn't make sense, how can I finish a thought when I can't even completely steer it towards something.

     Okay I get it... I'm steering it towards memory, but still listening to the thoughts that pop up. Because that's all I can do. The thoughts are not mine. I can only steer it towards memory somehow. (the expectation was that this method I would consciously pick something I was grateful for, but I was finding that it still seemed I was listening for thoughts.) How do I do this? Well when I switched to text-to-speech, I was using visual memory to steer the intention of the query "what am I grateful for" (held in intention), plus the visual location of what I'm grateful for, in this case I was thinking of things at my shop (visually scanning the shop in the mind) , and then the thoughts begin to rise in that sort of manner.(hence naming the washing machine at work which kind of made me chuckle.) So if there is no thinker of thoughts, is it possible that I am even steering these thoughts? (that these thoughts are being steered) Does it take a thought to steer the train of thoughts in a direction? Or is will and intention something separate than thoughts? Of course I don't have any idea what thoughts are anyways. But I'm finding it fun to study them.

Ok, this explanation took longer than doing the actual excersise, and now I have to go, but I'm glad I did it and it worked some kinks out for future exercises using these methods to study the nature of thought and perhaps throw in some shadow work too.

Signing off for now

 

 

Edited November 11, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Update: I'm still processing some things. Had some insights that at least shed some light on who I am not. I am not a thinker or a doer. In fact there's no me to do those things, only a bunch of me-thoughts pretending they are in control.  Much thanks to @winterknight and my guide on liberationunleashed.com for pointing me towards this. (and @Telepresent too )

This video is unrelated, but wanted to share it because I think there's some beauty in the juxtaposition between words (language) and the visual representations:

 

 

[seeking_brilliance]

https://endless-satsang.com/the-practice-and-purpose-of-self-inquiry.htm

Amazing article on self-inquiry 

[seeking_brilliance]

Memory is an illusion. There are thoughts of memory, which arise. Memory comes and goes, arises and falls, like any other thought.

     For what seems like 16 hours in a day, I remember (there is a memory of) being this person named Samuel, who goes about his life and does this and that. This memory appears to be accompanied by countless other memories, anywhere from what "happened" in the immediate past, all the way back to as far as Samuel can "remember".  But looking at this in direct experience, there are not countless memories bundled together to form anything, there is only this memory, as it appears in thought.  Just as the idea of self seems to appear in the very same Thought.

     Interestingly, there are a few hours in the night where there is experience of being a somewhat different kind of Sam, or something completely different altogether. And these experiences also appear as memory in the "16 hours" of "normal" Samdom. These times spent as someone other than "normal" Samuel, are labeled as dreams.

     In truth, as far as I've found, there is no separation between dreaming, and waking, (aka, normal Sam time). These are not separate experiences , but one unending experience. The separate experiences only appear as memory in thought. There is only the experiencing that is happening now, and for some reason (says thought) it appears to be an experience of Samuel, according to memory, or whatever.