Am I odd to be having these feelings about Romantic Relationships? +

[Shir]

Hey Everyone! 

Hopefully I can make this not TOO long but for reference sake, I'm a 26yo Lady that's technically never been in a (romantic) relationship. I've fallen in love before, with people online (closest thing to online dating) but things have fallen short as these men have chosen to "dump" me and so the relationship could never really progress further than that. Furthermore, I've honestly never done anything with a man (nor a woman) and being a virgin, I don't think think I've even done anything other than hug a guy for a few seconds. So, never been kissed nor even held hands with a guy. I'm a VERY friendly Lady and men have always said how pleasant, understanding, mature and deep I am. I know I'm not socially awkward at all and people find it very odd that I've never been in a romantic relationship, much less done anything sexually. Personally, I know I'm a heterosexual woman and so I admire, desire, feel attracted to and know I want men in general. I've just never been in a relationship in real life because well...no one has ever bothered to date me nor has anyone openly been interested in me tbh. So, never been asked out on a date much less had a chance to. 

As you can imagine, all of this has led me to harbor feelings in my life and has led me to a point where to be honest? the very thought of being in relationship or getting married (as much as I would love to) - makes me recoil emotionally and physically. I keep feeling odd like I'me SO used to being ALONE and never in a relationship that the very thought of it seems...bizarre to me. Like, the very thought of sleeping next to someone (like a normal married couple!) makes me almost nauseous and I cannot even imagine how I'd be able to, because I'm so used to sleeping on my own. It's crazy thoughts like this that further my depression because...on the one hand it's saddening to be alone but on the other,I feel almost like I'd have anxiety about simple things like this. And, I cannot even fathom even being able to hold a relationship during school right now, which is kinda sad because it's very normal to try and juggle both ect. 

I know deep down inside, I'm a romantic Lady and have always been spiritual and believe in soul mates ect, so having these feelings really is quite disheartening tbh. 

As a side note, I've been dealing with MDD (major depression disorder) for the longest time and so emotionally, I've been having a hard time with constant suicidal thoughts as well. Luckily, I'm in Therapy for over a year now but sadly feel like I've honestly fallen in love with my Therapist. It seems crazy, because I know he is not perfect but my heart breaks because I feel like he's the most wholesome man I've ever met and cannot help but think how I'd love him/someone like him as a partner. Obviously, I fully respect the boundaries and would never do anything to over step them. It's just that I find myself flustered at times, and I always try and dress nicely, put on makeup and perfume and feel all giddy and in love when I'm around him at our sessions. 

And naturally, thinking about relationships I also think about children - I grew up thinking children are natural and normal and as a little girl loved playing "house" and being the "mother" and literally all my life was very nonchalant about kids "oh of course I'd have children" but recently all this depression has made me feel like it's too overwhelming to have kids and I'd need the RIGHT partner for this huge decision...and my thoughts  just go to these deep and dark places like, there's no going back from having kids and I'd feel stuck and cannot "kill myself" because that would be too "cruel". It's all a mess.  

I guess what I'm trying to ask is...this even normal to feel this way? I feel SO left out of what everyone one gets to experience with love and romantic relationships and feel heartbroken of being in love with my Therapist at the same time. I feel odd feeling this way about kids as I've mentioned and the very thoughts of ever being in a relationship seems like a distant dream. Is it weird that I feel like I've been single "too long" to the point where like I mentioned, even sleeping next to someone makes me feel sick deep in the pit of my stomach and so anxious? 

Would love to hear your thoughts !

[aurum]

30 minutes ago, Shir said:

I've just never been in a relationship in real life because well...no one has ever bothered to date me nor has anyone openly been interested in me tbh. So, never been asked out on a date much less had a chance to.

I believe you, but that’s not the reason you’ve never been in a relationship. What’s behind this story?

30 minutes ago, Shir said:

guess what I'm trying to ask is...this even normal to feel this way? I feel SO left out of what everyone one gets to experience with love and romantic relationships and feel heartbroken of being in love with my Therapist at the same time.

Your experience is definitely not average for most western women your age. But that doesn’t make it a reason to hate yourself either.

You’ve ask been single for so long that being in a relationship is outside your comfort zone. It’s just not “normal” for you, and we tend to resist anything that isn’t normal for us.

If a reltionship is what you want, what action are you taking to make that happen?

[Shir]

@aurum Hey there ! First off, thank you for your thoughts - I apprecaite it !

10 minutes ago, aurum said:

I believe you, but that’s not the reason you’ve never been in a relationship. What’s behind this story?

I mean, I'll be honest - apart from 1 time (that happened aboard and with a non-English speaking man), I've just honestly never been hit on or flirted with face to face. It has kinda led me to feel like I guess I'm no one's type or something...I know it seems like there's a "story" but there isn't at all, it's literally just years of "not getting flirted with" and years of no man ever being interesting enough in me to ask me out.  I know this is 2018, women can make the first move and at times I have but things have fallen short what with the man being taken, not straight ect. It's silly because it's not like there's 30 men just waiting to date me in real life...there's literally no one. So, there's no chance to ever go out on a date and get to know people who are "genuinely interested in me"...if that makes sense. 

13 minutes ago, aurum said:

Your experience is definitely not average for most western women your age. But that doesn’t make it a reason to hate yourself either.

You’ve ask been single for so long that being in a relationship is outside your comfort zone. It’s just not “normal” for you, and we tend to resist anything that isn’t normal for us.

If a reltionship is what you want, what action are you taking to make that happen?

I agree ! For sure very different than the normal Lady my age. Thank you though for your compassion I appreciate it <3 

hmm...I'll be frank when I was younger, a relationship was something I VERY much wanted but being at this age, somehow...the desire has fizzled out. It's filled more so with depression and the feeling of being suffocated and not 'free" if I were to suddenly be in a relationship, somehow. idk why I've had a 180 about this, especially never being in one before (despite being in love). In an alternate and ideal world, if I could "date" my Therapist...I would in a heartbeat. But obviously, that will never happen and can never happen and so I'm kinda left with "meh" feelings about the notion of relationships in general which tbh is pretty alarming for me, considering it's something I had wanted literally all my life...hence why I thought it was best to share my feelings and gauge how much they may be odd or not. 

What action am I willing to take? nothing at this point to be honest...because I can do everything in the world to "find" men to date but what's the point if I feel this way in general right? hence my odd distress and need to ask all this haha. 

[d0ornokey]

get on tinder. have this belief broken (in terms of, "guys don't hit on me")

Edited September 15, 2018 by d0ornokey

[Shir]

@d0ornokey Lol thank you for the suggestion I appreciate it. Personally, I think there are too many crazies out there to trust Tinder and people sometimes have bad intentions...

I'm not looking for a one night stand haha. 

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Shir said:

What action am I willing to take? nothing at this point to be honest...because I can do everything in the world to "find" men to date but what's the point if I feel this way in general right? hence my odd distress and need to ask all this haha. 

I agree, you’re in a negative loop.

You associate relationships with pain, so you’re not going to take any action. But because you don’t take any action, you don’t get the experiences that might show you that relationships aren’t something to run away from. So you stay stuck.

Consider that if you do nothing, the result will be nothing.

Even though girls tend to take a bit more of a passive role in dating, they’re still doing something. Girls your age might spend a couple hours getting all dressed up, put on makeup and go out to some bar or party. And even if they just spend the whole night dancing, they’re at least putting themselves in a situation where a guy they like could talk to them. 

I’m not saying you have to do that, that’s just an example. The point is nothing will come from nothing.

Because of your MDD diagnosis and some of the other things you’ve said, I think there’s a deeper emotional issue here that needs to be addressed. Maybe some past trauma. I think if you heal that, you might be shocked how your relationship life starts to change.

[bejapuskas]

@Shir  I would suggest you reading some evolutionary psychology books. There is wisdom to learn even from apes. 

What are you doing to make men interested? Its quite hard to engage in a conversation with a woman who is closed off and just not looking like wanting relationship. You have to work on these. Sorry if I am wrong now, but if you are acting like that, males your age might think its impolite to just walk up to you when they kind of feel your negative energy.