Too needy and feeling as if I don't belong here

[Pilgrim]

I have this deep, deep longing for connection that seems to never be truly satisfied. Especially not in today's society. Occasionally I felt that this need was satisfied for a brief moment, but it never really lasts and the longing is always there. I sort of feel alienated in this world, as if this just wouldn't be "my place". I don't feel like I fit in here and I want to feel understood so badly. I really want to belong, but I don't feel like I belong - anywhere to be honest. It's not that I don't have friends or family, but they are all different somehow. They don't want to go so deep. I am with people, but I still feel sort of alone. 

What can I do to still this longing? I don't want to be this needy either. I have couple of times felt like I finally met someone who might be able to understand only to find out that I was projecting too much into this person. You see, this wish is so big in me.. I really am desperate to meet someone who "get's me" and therefore I am prone to idealising people and seeing in them what I want to see. Does this mean that I am just not feeling connected enough to myself? How can I change this? 

Thank you for reading. 

[brugluiz]

5 hours ago, Pilgrim said:

I have this deep, deep longing for connection that seems to never be truly satisfied. Especially not in today's society. Occasionally I felt that this need was satisfied for a brief moment, but it never really lasts and the longing is always there. I sort of feel alienated in this world, as if this just wouldn't be "my place". I don't feel like I fit in here and I want to feel understood so badly. I really want to belong, but I don't feel like I belong - anywhere to be honest. It's not that I don't have friends or family, but they are all different somehow. They don't want to go so deep. I am with people, but I still feel sort of alone. 

What can I do to still this longing? I don't want to be this needy either. I have couple of times felt like I finally met someone who might be able to understand only to find out that I was projecting too much into this person. You see, this wish is so big in me.. I really am desperate to meet someone who "get's me" and therefore I am prone to idealising people and seeing in them what I want to see. Does this mean that I am just not feeling connected enough to myself? How can I change this? 

Thank you for reading. 

You're welcome

There is a Leo's video that talks about loneliness. You may want to take a look at it.

Edit: this one here:

 

Edited September 5, 2018 by brugluiz

[RichardY]

@Pilgrim Need a base to build on. (Not dismissing infinitism, though) 

Too many abstract generalities, no content to connect with. Blown out the airlock, myself. Like in some movie where the astronaut is tethered but spinning.

Maybe consider chatrooms, as in audio. You ever play cards at school at all? Atmosphere is important like if you're travelling around staying at hostels, can generally get talking to different people. In similar or radically different situations. Though if you genuinely want to talk about values, or god forbid politics. Kind of a laser sight on your forehead, don't break a sweat if you can. Massive Ego investement, which needs to be PAID!!!!! one way or another.

One thing I find helps is. Check your Ego when posting online....(Workout a story, wait, feed your EGO!, whatever).  Just because someone has many posts doesn't mean you should feel you have to invest. Opportunity costs.

Apologies if I upset you with my initial post. 

Edited September 6, 2018 by RichardY

[Mu_]

On 9/4/2018 at 5:48 PM, Pilgrim said:

I have this deep, deep longing for connection that seems to never be truly satisfied. Especially not in today's society. Occasionally I felt that this need was satisfied for a brief moment, but it never really lasts and the longing is always there. I sort of feel alienated in this world, as if this just wouldn't be "my place". I don't feel like I fit in here and I want to feel understood so badly. I really want to belong, but I don't feel like I belong - anywhere to be honest. It's not that I don't have friends or family, but they are all different somehow. They don't want to go so deep. I am with people, but I still feel sort of alone. 

What can I do to still this longing? I don't want to be this needy either. I have couple of times felt like I finally met someone who might be able to understand only to find out that I was projecting too much into this person. You see, this wish is so big in me.. I really am desperate to meet someone who "get's me" and therefore I am prone to idealising people and seeing in them what I want to see. Does this mean that I am just not feeling connected enough to myself? How can I change this? 

Thank you for reading. 

I get you.  I've been in the same place as you for years in the past.  What is it that you want someone to get about you?  You may be having a yearning to connect with soul and your looking for that in others, but your not finding it.  It sounds like you need to start looking a little more into yourself for what your looking for.

[Your place at Heart]

I have been in the same place as you. I am lonely till this day but the great thing about it, I don't feel like I need to belong anymore. I feel more like I need to help others get their needs so that they help me get my basic needs so that I go off my way to do what I enjoy. After reading books about how humans behave and interact and watching others in real-time proving the abstract theories in the books. I no longer need to belong because I don't like jealousy and scheming and allowing other underdeveloped individuals caught up in their own insecurities and emotions to walk all over me. It happens in every group and in every situation.  People constantly test each other and make judgement unconsciously and unmindfully  to make others comply to their Ideas and needs all the time without mutual benefits and understanding which is uncomfortable. I started self-love and developed affirmations that WORKS like charm!! I always say" love comes from within, approval from within, I belong to myself, I have only one chance in Life never a second one and If I die that's it forever." I just immediately start loving everything.

Another thing worked for me big time is contemplating the beauty of Absolute infinity or god or nothingness and guess what? I get good feeling as well. Make the absolute infinity your  primary chase and knowing yourself and what you can contribute and You will see all sorts of amazing opportunities and great feelings and happiness.

Animals make great companions and great bonding

[peterjames]

Some suggestions:

a) look into how you feel about yourself - do you show yourself understanding, and allow yourself to "get" yourself? A few newer therapies and practices help with this. I can especially recommend Coherence therapy. If you want to work on your own, I'd recommend "How to raise your self-esteem" - N. Branden, and "The complete idiot's guide to Toltec Wisdom", S. Rosenthal. 

 

b) You can learn from Osho. He says be daring, and show the real you to others. In this way you can experience true acceptance for who you are. This is easier to practice over text with people you can afford to lose - in the beginning. Best of luck

[Nahm]

On 9/4/2018 at 5:48 PM, Pilgrim said:

 

I have this deep, deep longing for connection that seems to never be truly satisfied. Especially not in today's society

 

 

On 9/4/2018 at 5:48 PM, Pilgrim said:

I am with people, but I still feel sort of alone

In doing the practices the dots get connected. 

A life in need, of an object / person, is not true, and not really a life lived.

Do the work. Stop wasting your time. 

What you seek, is seeking you, and it will not be found with other people, it is already within you.

Discover it by taking your attention off the lack, and the potential solution coming from another person, and place it on yourself. You have feet that walk, hands which grasp, a mind which solves, and a breath which calms it. Learn to use them first, then involve others.

 

[Pilgrim]

Thanks to all of you for your answers. 

On 8.9.2018 at 5:53 PM, Mu_ said:

What is it that you want someone to get about you? 

Well, honestly people are incredibly interesting to me. This is probably why I am quite good in making new friends. I am just genuinely interested.. but with this I mean, I really want to know them.. I want to know their thoughts, their feelings, I want to understand who they truly are with all the layers. But this level of depth seems to be uncomfortable for many people.. many people prefer shallow talk and to just have a good time. This is very frustrating to me and I wish to meet people who would want to process life on a deeper level. This is what I mean with wishing someone would "understand". But yes, you are right.. I am definitely yearning to connect with soul. 

 

On 16.9.2018 at 3:08 PM, peterjames said:

He says be daring, and show the real you to others. In this way you can experience true acceptance for who you are.

Yes that's a good point. I think because I am aware that many people in my surrounding don't like "deep talk", I tend to avoid it.. or just very occasionally with certain people where I know they like to philosophise about life sometimes. I don't want to come off as too serious.. so I tend to hide my "true self" in order to fit in. It's possible I am not showing my true self enough in order to make those deep connections, because I would assume I am just bothering the person with my theoretical talking and that they would prefer to talk about something light or funny. For them deep talk is rather exhausting and for me it's stimulating. 

 

On 18.9.2018 at 1:21 PM, Nahm said:

What you seek, is seeking you, and it will not be found with other people, it is already within you.

Discover it by taking your attention off the lack, and the potential solution coming from another person, and place it on yourself. You have feet that walk, hands which grasp, a mind which solves, and a breath which calms it. Learn to use them first, then involve others.

 

I do believe as well that this might be the answer. The longing for deep connection with others is definitely real. However, I truthfully don't really know how to make this connection with myself. I guess I am also not interested enough in myself or get bored too quickly?! What would you suggest, how should I start? Another problem I have is, I tend to be rather melancholic by myself. I do need time alone and I enjoy it as well.. but I am not exactly "happy".. but then again, I might just be more of a serious person in general. 

 

[Nahm]

@Pilgrim

If you are interested, & willing to take a leap of faith, consider that maybe there is no such thing as a “serious” person, just kids, older, then I think you got your answer already. 

[Martin123]

@Pilgrim You sound like an empath my dearest friend! I get it, the sense of not belonging is something that used to haunt me constantly. Not only that, but you feel almost like people are avoiding telling you the truth about themselves, because they say things, that are not what you feel from them empathically, and subconsciously this tends to manifest as a feeling of rejection.

The most important decision we as empaths can do is to choose to be the love for ourselves that we dont receive from others. It cannot be any other way, because even if there are people who genuinely want to connect with us, we are still empathing their unresolved issues which leaves us feeling unworthy of the affection we receive. This is why families can be so painful. Not only do we empath their pain, but the love they actually can give us cant be received because we feel a sense of unworthiness that we gather from them. So its like "I love you"... "Thankss... I dont believe you but I appreciate the effort, thumbs up"

Your natural level of emotional intimacy can often feel like its too much for other people who are not familiar with that, and who are actually afraid of it. You are doing amazing beneficial things for them, clearing them of emotional density in every interaction, and the tragedy is that we dont know that and what we clear we make about ourselves and think its ours, or what we feel around other people is their opinion of us. 

It can feel like you are being rejected, and thats real and painful. In actuality it is their soul saying "wow I cant take so much goodness in I need to go and hide in darkness because I havent been trained to trust the light".
 

 

[Key Elements]

@Pilgrim Good things in life such as a deep connection don't come easily. Even if you do meet a great friend, you got to respect his/her time and space and allow the person to work on himself/herself. It's called detachment. It's the same for you. Love yourself first and find the time to develop yourself. If you're talking about enlightenment or spirituality, the reality is, not even 1% of ppl in the world will understand what you're talking about. If the other person don't agree with you or understand you, you got to respect that. We're all on different paths at different levels. Find ways to express your deep insights; eg. express it in your life purpose so that those who are ready to hear it will hear it.