Oneness and sameness is torture

[SgtPepper]

2 minutes ago, 11modal11 said:

@SgtPepper yes i am literally trying to regain a solid ego haha, that is what this post was partially about, maybe some hypnosis techniques or something. its literally difficult to develop a consistent ego under these conditions, other than one that is extremely freaked out and can't understand what is happening because i dont have ground to stand on mentally ive gone to far. i am worried that reality will completely turnn into this giant field if i dont stop being present and i will either like explode or can't perceive it enough to survive.

Your grounding is Being. Nothing else to it.

you are trying to grasp on to concepts when you should be grasping or having faith in the Universe by letting go.

At times when consciousness work became rough "Dark side of meditation" stuff, I relax in bed, put on my favorite comedy shows, and just chill. 

You gotta be careful with trying to think your way into enlightenment or just conceptualizing and taking what enlightened people are saying as belief. Its an experience, or rather a revealing of nature itself, without thoughts. It's pure consciousness elevation.

[11modal11]

and what youre describing is how i felt BEFORE this. Now the objects are literally becoming less visible to me and its getting harder to function everything is blending into what i am PERCEIVING as this field.

[SgtPepper]

2 minutes ago, 11modal11 said:

@SgtPepper i dont think youre getting what im saying, im pretty sure a psychedelic is the worst thing possible for me right now. im not on a psychedelic but reality feels like that right now already. im not conceptualizing anything. im telling you reality is crumbling literally right in front of my face, its like a science fiction movie or a tripand its difficult to handle.  i think ill be fine though i just have to get used to it.

Maybe I am not. but I've had awakening experiences and they're not like what you describe, but I've also had times where everything felt "meaningless", but its a hump you get passed and you gain a better understanding of reality again.

[11modal11]

@SgtPepper dude i am not conceptualizing anything here, i can't explain this enough. i care zero about enlightenment, i want regular old life back at this point, i can't handle what i am experiencing.

[11modal11]

im sure ill be okay if i get used to it, but as i said im not conceptualizing, my direct experience is crumbling

[SgtPepper]

1 minute ago, 11modal11 said:

@SgtPepper dude i am not conceptualizing anything here, i can't explain this enough. i care zero about enlightenment, i want regular old life back at this point, i can't handle what i am experiencing.

You are both the universe and the ego.

Yin-Yang. 

I guess it can be weird, but you are still your ego in society.

[Arkandeus]

this is what happens if you make enlightenment about pure concepts and insights

Heart, Heart, heart, love, love ,love ,love

love and heart will get you back on the right vibration OP

love will make you believe in people again, love will make you experience people again

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now i literally perceive reality as this vibrating field of oscillation where everything’s is the essentially same just the surface appearance is different and there is no separation and its just this same fucking field and im all of it and just fucking here always this vibrating field

does it feel good to realize to believe this is reality?

let your heart in on the matter, let your heart have its say on your insights

if it doesnt feel good it is not the truth, let the heart have its say, listen to your heart, awaken the mind of the heart

 

let go of the concept of illusion or real, reality has always been what it is, then and now

 and if you could appreciate it before, that means you were aware some higher truth, some higher belief, and I think you realize that, there is no guru nor book that knows the truth better then your heart

you were feeling good before, better, you had certain positive beliefs, this is where you believe in yourself, you do know better, you are the guru, you chose the beliefs that ring true with your whole body, not only the mind, but the heart and the soul as well

it is yet another occasion for me to preach that the truth feels good and makes every cell in your body sing with joy and wonder, heart included, ears included, feet included

the truth is not some concept that looks cool and edgy and new-age in your mind only, empty beliefs will yield empty experiences

 

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life is now a constant "fake out" to do anything when you know how everything is this generic field here moving around and can literally see this now more than anything

itis such a cold and surgical mind-look at life that it yields such an experience

life is love, life is alive, see with the heart

Edited September 3, 2018 by Arkandeus

[AleksM]

@11modal11

Practice empowering affirmations and reviewing your goals every morning. That's it. 

[11modal11]

@Mikael89 I'm not sure if I  reached "absolute or what" not but I got far, wayyyy too far. If say leaving your body is the limit, I've been right there multiple times and had to stop what I was doing because I could feel like I was being lifted out of my crown area and could possibly die if I kept going.  After a couple years of meditation for 2 hours per day (I was doing it for the high when I started). Then I started noticing weird stuff happening to me like I'd think something and it would happen, or I ran around all day living in the moment, and at certain points I felt overwhelming pleasure and that if I didn't stop I would leave my body. Life became very synchronistic and I'd be thinking something, then say a song with that exact phrase would play on my computer or someone would call me with free tickets to something I had been thinking about. Or even I would have say an imagination of something, and I'd literally see that thing in a move at the theatre later that day. I did my research and found out about high vibrations and such which I assume was at the cause. Then I  wanted to see how far I could make things go in my favor so I did more research did Bentinho's courses for months and I was changing so fast that I couldn't keep track of reality and I actually made a couple objects change places by "intent" and even my phone a couple times would start typing things I was thinking (I swear to god i saved pictures) and some other weird "paranormal" things. I still had a sense of self at this point. I kept pushing too far though and then I stumbled upon Actualized, but Leo's take was very "no self". I kind of felt socially pressured because of all the memes on this site being so anti-self and kill your individuality (my fault of course, but I was so deep that i kind of didn't have a real barrier any more) and more merged with reality like he said in his "god mode" and physicality started changing into this like "field" as I say, but the joy and bliss from before where I was focusing on vibration and perceived myself more as a "spiritual being" instead of "everything" disappeared, because I felt bad for having a sense of self, like I wasn't;t supposed to at this level or something and I just kind of felt scared, confused took on a very cynical approach to reality because of how was all such an "illusion" as Leo says.  I would say Leo actually had very good pointers to reach this kind of space and really see it more and more "purely" I guess, but for me the depression of trying to "kill myself" and "become infinite" when I enjoyed and appreciated life so much really made me in a weird spot and nihilistic, like I wasn't;t free to just be what i wanted to and do what i wanted to do, which is more how I lived before.ANd reality seems so groundless now, that iI am working to become more "human" again.   I want to warn people that I don't believe it is natural for everyone, not for me at least. I was way happier as an individual for sure, and honestly in my experience, there are more than one "truth" I do feel that there is inherent metaphysical individuality that is ignored in many of spiritual teachings, ultimately we are one at the absolute level, but in my expernience there are layers of individuality in between avg joe and monk and my comfort level definitely lies in individuality. As for getting to this kind of place if you really want to merge with everything, Leos teaching is very harsh, but it will get you there, and he reallyy wanted to be there with no shortcut, I'll give him that. The part about "god-mode really changed it for me to reach greater depths (again in which I am very uncomfortable).

[11modal11]

@AleksM Thanks, I think another thing is I and anyone who has this issue has to really make a point to get in social settings again, because I live by myself and work from home so I think the more time I spend around people the more I will kind of get reprogrammed to be a person lol

[11modal11]

@Arkandeus yes thanks, social pressure, even on the internet can make us do a lot of things we might  not be comfortable with. No it certainly feels very bad lol, maybe for some but not for me. Best to trust my intuition and get back into life more as an individual. I think the problem with a lot of teachings is it attempts to point to "truth" using language and reason when reality is well beyond the use of these kinds of things. 

[Leo Gura]

@11modal11 Re-read your opening post and count how many times you said "I", "me", "my".

All of that is ego.

That whole post is ego playing drama queen.

You have not reached meaninglessness, because clearly you are creating a lot of negative meaning here.

What is required is more consciousness. It's sort of like you've wounded the ego, not anywhere close to killing it, and now it's pissed off like an angry hornets nest.

A little bit of consciousness is a dangerous thing, as they say.

The solution is go back to the basic practices and ground yourself in high quality nondual theory and mindfulness work.

You are trying to do this too fast. It does not work that way. There are many facets to consciousness work. When you try to jump ahead to the end before you are truly developed enough to handle it, you just create a massive ego backlash and nothing sticks.

Ground yourself in core daily practices like meditation. Train yourself to do it consistently and with joy.

[11modal11]

Also I think there are almost 2 "enlightenments" one is the non-duality or literal merging/"awakening" which leo focuses on, and the other is vibration and aligning with creative forces of the universe which is say is what Hawkins focuses on. They're probably related, but not necessarily together, if you recall Leo said he was feeling very bad doing his 30 day thing eventually, I think it mirrors the uncomfortability I feel.

[11modal11]

@Leo Gura You're right the ego is extremely frightened by the absolute warping of this reality that is occurring. I wouldn't;t even say meaningless I;d say WTFness as there is just this "field" where these used to be a world with things. Thats okay, I'm throwing in the towel on this, I don't have the balls to go any farther. Best of luck!

[11modal11]

@Mikael89 i'd substitute "for a reason" with "naturally occurring phenomenon" part of the chain reaction but fuck it why fight it unless that is what your into as long as you like it of course. or you could go where few have gone before too.

[11modal11]

@Mikael89 do you really feel this way? reality only consists of suffering? this has to be subjective.

[11modal11]

 @Mikael89 try living like a 5 year old, that is essentially what i was doing before this and plan to go back to and it is great!

[11modal11]

@Mikael89 I'm not sure how old you are, but outsource any responsibility you have. if you're in school take only classes that have papers and no tests to the best of your ability and outsource your assignments on Fiverr (thats what I did in college which I just graduated). Any tests you have cheat to the best of your ability to get a passing grade. In high school we paid the janitor 20 bucks for a copy of the key and then stole the tests and had a nerdier guy do it in exchange for having it ahead of time and we got the answers. If youre no longer in school and have a job, find a way to outsource it there are really good people in India and such you can find who do a great job, not even kidding. You can get a remote job on indeed and outsource it as well which is best. It shouldn't be that hard honestly. Once your responsibilities for survival are handled, which is annoying up front but WORTH IT when the system is in place, you are free to do whatever you want.

Then spend the day rby following you moment to moment excitement. I'd just get coffee and go hang out at the book store, talk to random people I inevitably became friends with all of the employees and such, and got all free stuff and read interesting parts of books, then the gym, etc. Then I'd go to laser tag and the nearby arcade. Later on I'd meet my friends and go to the bar. I'd see groups on meet up and go to them when I felt like it. I promise you will have a natural flow and feel a buzz all the time depending on your interests. But the key is just follow your natural momentum moment by moment and don't make any obligations in terms of a schedule. I never had any commitments ever just lived freely in the moment. Also when I'm alone I like to just play music from my favorite bands and dance around and pretend i am the rockstar or pretend I am the quarterback for the Super Bowl etc. as well or go to the park. I also play music with people when they are free.

[11modal11]

When you see those kids running around at the playground and playing house and shit, thats what I would look like to you

[11modal11]

Maybe this enlightenment kill your ego and force yourself to sit there in the now stuff till "youre" "dead" does work for some people, but its just too stressful for me. I'd much rather be that inner child with natural spontaneous flow full of wonder, that never changed until I got into this and its time to throw in the towel and go back for me. At least thats my comfort zone, maybe not for everyone.

Edited September 3, 2018 by 11modal11