Retreat + Mushroom Trip Report - The Perfect Trip

[DoubleYou]

So, I had two weeks left before my internship starts and my parents were gone for the week and asked me to take care of the cats. Me being the poor student I am decided to turn this week into a kind of retreat. It didn't cost me anything and my parents have quite a luxurious home with a bath and sauna. Sold.

I left my laptop at home and I planned to never turn on the TV. I made a schedule filled with all kinds of meditative exercises and planned a couple of trips to some national parks for some walking meditations. I live in a very small country so all of these were like an hour drive at most.

This was my first retreat and it was quite the eye opening experience. First of all, turns out I'm a heavy internet addict. I always knew this, but it became so damn apparent during this week. I could constantly feel a tension running through my fingers, in search of an iPad screen or a computer mouse. 

The best thing about this week was the unobstructed flow of thought and ego. Normally, when something 'negative' arises in the mind, the ego's defence mechanisms start to distract you with all kinds of things. This time, there was no way out so two days in, a lot was already being processed and taken care of. Simple problems were seen simply as that, and were therefor solved immediately instead of put under the rug. I felt very energised at the end of this week.

I was actually going to write a full report on this retreat and how powerful it has been but then I tripped on mushrooms, and this entire week turned out to be nothing more than a preparation for that. I can definitely recommend doing a retreat before tripping. You'll be able to handle so much more, simply because you've already let go of so much during the week. Things that would have just cluttered your trip with unnecessary things that you would have been able to solve without mushrooms anyway. 

This was therefor the perfect setup for really going deep.

The trip

It has been almost a year since my last one but I finally felt like I integrated what I've learned from the last trip and it was time to move on. It's been a difficult year, albeit with lots of progress in every area of my life. I could also say it has been the most rewarding year of my life. But I could feel I was being slowed down by some roadblocks. Ideas I had about this thing called enlightenment which were keeping me from moving forward. And so, I knew it was time and I drove back home.

The day of the trip was hell. But it was precisely what showed me why I needed to do this. I was so fucking afraid. So much fear rose to the surface. Something inside me knew, this one is going to be huge. Probably because I could see how that roadblock I've been fighting for so long was ready to come down. I could feel it's weight and I couldn't hold on anymore. I absolutely knew it. The entire day was filled with conflicted thoughts. I could see how my ego was making concessions and how it was calming itself by 'looking forward to an easy laidback trip with hopefully some fun visuals.'

So, I made a tea with mint and ginger and added my own grown mexican mushrooms which have been sitting in the fridge for almost a year now. Like my last trip, I decided to go with 2g's. Now I know for some that may sound like not much, but like I said in my last report, and believe me when I say this; I don't need much. Some would say I might be a spiritually inclined person, and I would probably agree. I get non-dual experiences from smoking weed, and I've had random spontaneous awakenings for the entirety of my life. The thing is, that may sound like it would be easier. But even though you are very sensitive to spirituality, you are equally sensitive to the ego's bullshit. For instance, I'm very easily addicted to something. But then again, I also very easily make choices to overcome those addictions. It's a weird polarity based on extremes, but it kind of creates a balance that works I guess. 

Anyway, I drank the tea. Last trip, I was perplexed that it already started doing it's thing after about 15 minutes. This time though. My god. 
I'm sitting in my chair. A lot of fear still there, yet I'm comforted by the idea that I've passed the point of no return. I felt good about my decision to pull through, even though my entire body and ego was quite clearly against the idea. Normally, shrooms take their time to get going. This time, about 5(!!) minutes in, booom. The sunlight from the window starts to become so bright, I had to close the curtains. I sat down. Instantly I felt like I was peaking. My ego being ripped apart straight into this very aggressive form of being. 5 minutes in. Of course I got very afraid at first. If this is what it feels like 5 minutes in, what is going to happen to me an hour or two from now. Jesus Christ, what have I done?

18:00
The first hour was absolutely bonkers. It's nothing I've ever experienced before. It was one big mind fuck. I don't know how to describe it. I couldn't sit still, I was walking through my room at a fast pace constantly. I couldn't stop moving. It felt like all the energy which I would normally label as egoic energy started to play itself out. Like, any resistance stored in my legs would result in my legs walking and walking until it was gone. But there was always more. Like my last trip, the body was moving completely by itself, There was no me anywhere. Just movement. And occasionally something that looked like a thought, completely perplexed. I wasn't even sure who was thinking them anymore. The thoughts were simply a part of the experience. Just as much as sight or hearing, there was thought. But there were many moments where I was completely gone in a stream of whatever the trip was showing to me. Really, these are the things that are so hard to explain. Those who have tripped before will probably know what I'm talking about. That shit you really, really, REALLY can not put to words. God in it's most creative expression. Utterly amazing and terrifying at the same time.

My sense of time was ridiculous. Minutes took hours, and hours took minutes. And the numbers on the clock all had their own significance. This trip was not restricted by time. I remember 18:30 taking up almost the entirety of the first hour. It made no sense whatsoever. I pre-rolled 4 joints for this trip, but I only smoked one. And in my experience I was smoking this one constantly. Yet, After three hours of tripping I was still holding that same joint. With only half of it gone.

I noticed that every time "I" came back to think about the experience. The entire trip shifted towards whatever I was thinking. This got quite scary at some points. It were these moments that made the first hour a real challenge. I remember thinking about this story about someone that jumped out of the window when on shrooms. It's the reason shrooms got illegal in my country. And of course, the entire trip followed my lead, and everything started to confirm and revolve around that image. For a moment I thought that entire story of someone jumping out of the window has always been about me. And this trip was my beautiful conclusion. My window was wide open, and I really had to convince myself that this wasn't true at all. It was at this point where I could see the risk I was taking. This shit is serious. It's really crazy when whatever you are experiencing is completely out of your control, yet you can only trust whatever it does. Even whatever your body does. 

That was the first moment where I started to put more trust in the experience. I mean, the moment the trip started I removed my clothes because it felt constricting. I was naked and dancing like a madman through my room. Nothing was in my control, and yet I could feel how this trip respected the fact that I didn't want to go outside running around naked through the streets. It's weird how that works. But the word respect really stuck with me and that was probably the turning point. I remembered how tripping works. Whatever you present it with, it takes it and makes it its own. Create a thought, and it will go with it. So perfectly, that nothing else but that thought will become your reality. Exactly as ordered. I became aware of the power of letting go, whenever I experienced resistance.
 
19:00
It took about an hour to settle in, but this hour was already the most life changing thing I've ever experienced. I experienced death, life and infinity all happening at the same time. Sometimes terrifying, sometimes beautiful. But always itself. I realised that by having been able to let go I already passed this huge roadblock of fear that has been with me for so long, and that felt great. I felt this masculine energy rising in me and felt a huge sense of power and enjoyment. Like I said, whatever you present to the trip, it will devour it and make it it's own. So this time, my enjoyment of it was magnified by infinity. And it showed.

At this point, I started to feel in control. But only because I chose to let go of control. That was the mindfuck. By letting go of control, everything that happens is okay. And again, that okayness will get magnified infinitely by the trip. So it started to do it's thing. The trip started to show what it's capable of. At this point I was so utterly amazed by what I was witnessing I decided to write some things down. These words may look pretty silly right now, but during the trip I could litteraly see how it was being written right in front of my eyes. There was no one. Yet it was me writing it. Like a poem.

Quote

the total trip

it’s the one mushro0m secret
its the most awe inspiring thing you’ll
it’s 

it’s not even the answer
it’s just the one incredible mushroom secret

the mushroom secret
it writes itself

don’t even try to remember this
it’s all one big joke

just beautiful
this is the total trip

I kept referring to it as the total trip or the perfect trip, I don't know why I used those words. It felt like I was being shown everything the mushroom was capable of. And so I came to the conclusion that I was witnessing the big secret of the mushroom, which after tripping for ten times, I was now finally capable of experiencing. Like a graduation or something.  This became the theme for the next hour. More and more secrets were revealed. The reason why I came to that conclusion was that whatever I was experiencing right now, I would NEVER be able to tell anyone about it. It was that perfect. That magnificent. That no one would ever believe me. These moments were so intimate because of that.

I filled my entire room with pieces of paper telling me about this secret, in hope that I would remember. But then I burst out laughing because I knew it was impossible. I was laughing at myself for even trying to convey something that is essentially a secret. And so it can never be told of.

Even, right now, I can not remember what I experienced. It's impossible. That's what I realised. This report is the best I can do. But it doesn't come close.

Here's what some of those pieces of paper said:

Quote

Enjoying the mushroom secret <3

It's a gift from YOU

This is the mushroom secret - It's absolutely perfect

That second one was quite important. I really started to recognise how I've been working on this gift for the entire week. The retreat was me working towards this trip. And all day I've been preparing the trip. It was all perfectly orchestrated by me, so that I could experience this gift. I told about this in my last trip, but one of the most important things if you're going to trip on your own is to be your own trip sitter. Before hand, make sure everything is going to be as comfortable as possible for yourself. I remember for instance, I was looking at my kitchen and got the idea of making tea. And then oh my god, everything was already put there for me to make my tea. And then I got hungry, and oh my god there's all kinds of delicious things on the table. And it made me so fucking happy. I wanted to write, there were pencils and paper. Etc... It made me appreciate how I was taken care of. I can't stress this enough. Treat your tripping self like a true king before the trip. It makes all the difference. Because any inconvenience will be magnified as well. Unnecessarily.

20:00
I'm an artist myself. I make music. I would even say, my spiritual path has never really been solely about enlightenment. Maybe it has always been more about my deep longing to experience and elevate my art. But this day the two became one. I have this poster on my wall with my artist name and album art which I put there to motivate myself to release it someday. I remember standing next to the poster and the trip showed just how much of a symbol that thing has become. And how much of it I've not been able to embody just yet. Suddenly, I stood there and I rose my arms and hands towards the poster, like Goku, and I could feel this immense force of energy that flowed towards the symbol. All that I want this symbol to be, it became exactly that. And as the trip continued all this energy I channeled towards that symbol, I felt how it was no different from me. Because of course, all is one. All I have to do now, is do it. Which was the biggest insight of my last trip and this was kind of a reminder of that.

I once heard Alan Watts say how a bodhisattva at the end of its journey always takes something back so he can show the people how he has grown. Like the holy grail, as proof of the hero's journey. I feel like my music is exactly that. And I clearly saw how my strife to be an artist has been my enlightenment. In trying to portray the beauty I'm becoming aware of in my art, I'm able to share it and with that help transform the world. That there is my life purpose. And it became clear to me how powerful a symbol can be and become.

I then went to my bed and decided to meditate. But the moment I decided that, I already burst out laughing. I couldn't find the difference between meditating and not meditating. 

21:00
Here's a transcription of me thinking back to what I just experienced and was still experiencing. This is basically all I could say for the entire hour:

holy fuck.
holy fuck

holy fuck
hooooly fuuuuuckkkk

HOLY FUCK

holy fuck

ho
ly
fu
ck

etc...

At some point I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. There was just this state of awe with my eyes and mouth wide open. I was overwhelmed and simply gave up.
No words would come close. Except maybe, holy fuck. But not really.

22:00>

After a while I started to really contemplate everything I was experiencing and had experienced. I felt so free and relaxed in my body that these insights came effortlessly.

Insights:

- The ego is a riddle created by God
And the only answer to it, is that there never was a riddle to begin with. But the entire process of realising this is the enlightenment. It's a fucking piece of art.
We start our spiritual journey to realise there is none. But during that time, you've learned exactly that. And that process has healed you.

- Enlightenment isn't binary. It doesn't exist. Life is enlightenment. Everything is working towards you becoming enlightened. Everything. 
If you realise this, your search is done. You can now start living this fact. You can now live a life where enlightenment is no problem that needs to be solved. It's all okay. It's all taken care of. You are enlightenment itself. And you are the enlightened one. More and more. Forever.

- 100% Okayness is the Absolute Truth. 
If I had to summarise this entire trip, this would be it. I had my mind blown by this simple truth. I realised, all this time as a spiritual seeker, there seems to be some underlying problem. Ever-present. Something isn't right. Always in search of something.

I kept repeating the question; what is the problem? What is my problem? Really, what is the problem?
And this was the first time, that I experienced the end of seeking. What was I looking for? Everything is okay. There are no problems. The search is over. I felt this huge relief. And with it, my body instantly transformed. A lot of resistance instantly dropped.

Even when you still have an infinite amount of lessons to learn. (And you have) It's okay. That will simply occur when it has to occur. As it always has.

Seriously, ask yourself, what are you actually searching for? What if this search itself has been the enlightenment. You've created a problem out of thin air, just so that you may know that your problem is created out of thin air. Haha. That's the one big fucking joke. 

- God has created you so it can experience / admire itself
There is this beautiful unity going on with what some would call your higher self and lower self. In reality, the two are one. Whatever you look at, it's God. And it has created you, so that it can look at itself through you. As itself. As one.

That's why the word Love is a beautiful synonym. I know some people on this forum get annoyed by the use of this word. But I will keep using it. It really is the best one we've got.

You see, the only way you can let go of your ego, is by being able to trust this force in that it will take care of you. Otherwise, why would you let go? And what does taking care of something mean? Nothing other than Love. You are loved. You are taken care of. Just trust it and let go, so it can take over more and more. God loves it's creation, that's why you can trust it.

It's okay.

For the next hour I felt so connected to this force. Completely one with it. At love.
I kept repeating; I am that. With a big smile on my face.

Am I enlightened?
I simply can not see the point of chasing after something called enlightenment anymore. That's just creating a new problem that simply isn't there. 
To me, that's enlightenment. Knowing everything is okay, is itself the force that is enlightening. 

To some, I guess it means ego death. But that's just the result of your ever growing enlightenment. But again, there's nothing binary about it.

There is still ego. Yes. Of course. Why wouldn't there be? This ego is God's way of enlightening me. And it's a beautiful teacher.

See, I'm kind of confused by this. Not because I don't get it, but because enlightenment has always been this huge obstacle in the way of actualising myself. And now I'm experiencing it as this utterly simple realisation. So simple that I almost can't believe it. But you see, that's the trick I've been playing. I made it so big, it's become a problem to solve. Instead of a realisation to have. And now when I actually have this realisation I can't believe it.

I would love to hear your take on this. I feel like the search is over. At the same time, I feel like I'm the exact same person as before. Just okay with everything. In a completely different frequency.

What's next?
Life!
Finally...
This is the big break through I've been waiting for, for years. It's like I've gotten the green light to go out and do my thing. To go out and be that artist. To go out and share my secret with everyone. To go out and share my discoveries. To go out and share all the shrooms.  

And with that overcoming every single fear there is to overcome.

I started this week with the intention to overcome a roadblock, and I end it knowing there never was a roadblock to begin with. And that's how the roadblock has dissolved.

Hope you enjoyed the read.
Continue being courageous and enjoy your creation! It's all perfectly orchestrated for your own enlightenment. You can trust it. Always.

Namasté ??

[Nahm]

@DoubleYou Namaste ??

[Nahm]

@DoubleYou Dude, wife & I been laughin for an hour on “The Mushroom Secret”. Thanks!!!!  Fantastic report btw!! ❤️

[ajasatya]

@DoubleYou welcome back. long time no see

[DoubleYou]

@Nahm Haha, no problem man. I was laughing my ass off too. And all of reality with me.

@ajasatya Thanks

[Nahm]

@DoubleYou Absolutely! It’s still ‘in play’ LMAO.