Becoming God...my first trip

[GafaRassaDaba]

Hey Leo and friends, here it is...need help understanding.

I took my drink of Ayahuasca and sat back. The shamans started singing and I disappeared. I'm going to skip all the details on the visuals and go straight to the big thing...myself inside the maze. I have no idea how long it took to get there or how long I was there, but it literally felt like forever. I saw the maze in the distance and I curiously regarded it. "What is that?" Suddenly I was inside it; a spinning, perfectly balanced, folding, and unfolding maze that was alive in every way. I realized I was truly and utterly alone. "I'm in eternity..." Suddenly it dawned on me. I had not arrived at eternity, I had never left...I got very scared. I knew I had never existed. I knew the world, my life, my family, my country, it had all been an elaborate fiction I had created to escape the maze. I was terrified and I fought it tooth and nail. "I had a Dad," I said aloud. "I know I was real." I saw my Dad then, in perfect form before me, and my heart sank as he disintegrated and became part of the eternal spinning paradox loop where I was trapped. I heard my own voice in my head. "There is no Dad. You made that up."

I thought of my Uncle, and saw him appear...and disintegrate into the maze. I fought harder and harder. I literally screamed and kicked and bit and thrashed around as the facillitators carried me out of the room. At first I thought they were doctors pulling me from my mother, then that they were gods taking care of me, then that they were demons tormenting me in their maze. They disappeared and I returned to the hell of non-existence. "I had a brother!"

"There is no brother. You made him up."

"I'm thinking in english!"

"There is no english. You made it up."

I literally screamed out that I remembered Batman.

"There is no Batman. You made him up."

"I know there's no Batman! He was a comic book character!"

"There are no comic books. You made them up."

On and on this went for eternity. I went through every single meaningful memory I could think of and every single meaningless fact I could think of, often repeating the same ones.

"I'm real! I had a father! I had a brother! I had an Uncle, a job, a girlfriend!"

"You made it all up."

The voice speaking to me (my own voice) was perfectly calm. No matter how hard I fought or how much I screamed it just calmly told me that I made it all up. I knew I was stuck...or that I had never left. My life had been a fiction to escape the ever changing nature of the maze. I wanted to go back so bad. I knew the truth finally; I was insane, in a straight jacket strapped to a table.

"There is no table."

I knew I was in a dream.

"There are no dreams."

I knew I was trapped.

"There are no traps."

I saw a giant face finally, watching me, as I thrashed on the ground. It looked like an ancient mayan god, one that might be painted on an ancient pyramid. I was amazed at how massive it was; and at how neutral it was to me. I realized it was not there to help or to hurt, it didn't care or not care, it didn't love or hate, it was neither friend nor foe...it only observed. I knew that begging it was useless. I knew it didnt care. But I also knew it would not harm me. It didn't not care.

I felt like I was in a movie, a psychological thriller where the main character finally figures out the plot. I felt like I had seen this movie a billion billion times. I remembered this place. Even though the maze was old it never repeated itself. It was ancient but always new. And the movie was real.

EVERYTHING is fiction. EVERYTHING is imagination. EVERYTHING is false. It's just your imagination.

I never gave up. I never stopped fighting. I threw everything I had at the maze. It all just disentegrated and became part of it. Even my body was dancing and moving and transforming just like the halls of the living labyrinthe. I couldnt stop any of it. I was powerless before the might of eternal neutrality. I finally knew the great joke. Me. The great question. There is no question. The great answer. There is no answer. I was the joke. I was the question. I was the answer. I realized I was God. Everything that existed was my imagination, MY joke, MY question, MY answer. There was no God outside of myself. There were no people outside of myself. There is not a single fucking blade of grass, not a single sub atomic particle, not a thought, a word, or a deed ANYWHERE that is not inside me. I had to walk far into the jungle by myself once it was all over. I knew that any second I was going to reach the end of reality and that I would be looking at the end of the earth (the end of my imagination). I didn't luckily. I slowly drifted back into reality the further and further I walked. My heart pounded for about 8 hours a day for 2 months straight after that. I was always on the verge of a panic attack and once I was very close to calling 911 because I thought reality was going to break and I was going to realize I was flying around in a spaceship inside some sick life simulation test. I have never in my life been this terrified. It still scares me and I don't understand. How can there be nothing but me? How can I be God? Sounds like very dangerous territory and I do not want to believe it. Any and all thoughts and feedback are welcome. Thank you, Leo and friends. I anxiously await your responses.

 

-There is no God...there is ONLY God.

 

 

[tentacion]

Hahaha nice. 

[Leo Gura]

Yup, that's nonduality. What else can be said?

[Nahm]

Nice. All hail Gafarassadaba! 

[GafaRassaDaba]

Thanks, Leo :-)

[GafaRassaDaba]

Thanks, Nahm :-)

[Forestluv]

@GafaRassaDaba You wrote a powerful report. My second Aya ceremony had a different theme than yours, yet it was also the most terrifying experience of my life. 

It’s been over a year since that ceremony and your report gave me chills. 

[phoenix666]

thanks for sharing @GafaRassaDaba , that was intense. made me feel things

let it sink in, it can transform your life like crazy <3

[Andrey]

This is utterly disturbing. How is it even possible that a healthy, mature, well-reasoned person be taking this serious? Is this really the truth? If it is the truth, why should anyone strive to realize it? 

[Rilles]

@Andrey How do you know that you’re healthy, mature and reasonable right now? Who told you that? Your culture? Parents? Society? Your mind?

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Andrey said:

How is it even possible that a healthy, mature, well-reasoned person be taking this serious?

Hehehe...

That will have to fly out the window.

Did you really think that the ultimate nature of existence can be understood without taking a toll on you?

The cost of admission is your life.

[Nahm]

@Andrey “Well-reasoned” ....... “well conditioned” or acceptable & agreeable to society? Could you be more well-reasoned than for your real-I-zation to transcend reason? Consider the possibility that people are not intelligent and reasonable, but rather brains are filters of infinite intelligence, as a means which makes possible ‘your’ human experience, by convincing yourself of the possession of intelligence. What’s “reasonable”, anyways? Isn’t that opinion? If you really look, aren’t you just as unreasonable as reasonable?

[Samra]

@GafaRassaDaba wow! Thank you so much for sharing <3 your experience is world's apart from mine on aya. Mine was quite stuck in duality, where I think you had the grace, practise and power to break through. I wish you all the best, and hope you can integrate all of this soon in your everyday. <3

[starsofclay]

@GafaRassaDaba or any one else : could there be an interpretation of the giant face that was observing this? 

[Hamilcar]

1 hour ago, starsofclay said:

@GafaRassaDaba or any one else : could there be an interpretation of the giant face that was observing this? 

well... he made it all up

[GafaRassaDaba]

Thank you very much friends. I appreciate every word. @Andrey I completely understand your reaction to my post, friend. I felt the exact same way. I know my post sounds like the ravings of a madman. I have never experienced this much fear and confusion before. Pre-psychadelic experience if I had heard anyone saying the things I said in that post I would have backed away slowly and then ran lol. I have had soooo much trouble integrating and understanding this experience. I merely went for help with depression, but got so much more than I bargained for. I have spent hours and hours trying to convince myself that I'm sane...but you know what? I might not be lol. I will say this though. This experience changed my life for the better in unimaginable ways. I care about and love people more than I ever have. Ive repaired and healed old relationships with friends and family. I care about the world now, and I can see love in the strangest places. The experience made me want to love others. I realized that I can never judge anyone for anything (I still mess up of course :-) I deal with my depression in very positive ways now and I am off my meds. Ive always hated therapy but now I embrace it and it has become a very positive influence in my life. Also I was an atheist pre-psychadelic, but now I believe in the all loving all knowing God who is taking care of all of us, and I know his/her/its name is not GafaRassaDaba :-) All of this is only to say I understand your reaction, brother. I reacted the same way. I appreciate your post.

@starsofclay  To be honest I do not know about the face. I felt like I should fear it, but I could truly tell by looking at it that it would never harm me. I knew it wouldnt help me either. I questioned whether or not it was God, or my higher self perhaps. I was in Peru, and on my way back home I saw a statue in the airport and the face was nearly identical. I asked the lady what it was, and she told me it was a deity of protection. That made me feel good. Truly I don't know. I can only call it an observer. If anyone else has any ideas please let us know :-)

Thanks again, friends.

 

-There is no God...there is ONLY God.

[GafaRassaDaba]

@Hamilcar I think you nailed it :-)

[dlof]

2 hours ago, GafaRassaDaba said:

 This experience changed my life for the better in unimaginable ways. I care about and love people more than I ever have. Ive repaired and healed old relationships with friends and family.

That's great, but I'm just curious, what would you say it was about your experience that created this change?

If you are shown that nobody is real in your life and that they are all illusions, figments of your imagination, what is it about that realization which makes you more loving to others?

[MrDmitriiV]

@GafaRassaDaba Great share!  

[GafaRassaDaba]

@dlof I think the best way I can describe it is that there's no reason not to love the illusion. It's an illusion I created to experience, so why not love every piece of the experience. To love others is to love yourself. To take care of others is to take care of yourself. To forgive others is to forgive yourself. And I think the inverse is true. To love, take care, and to forgive yourself is to do all this for others. Selfishness is to pretend we aren't one with all that surrounds us. Selflessness is to view everything as you. The more of the world that we love, the more of ourselves that we love. If we fill the illusion with love and kindness it will return to us.

That's my best interpretation anyway. I can't pretend I understand it all. I don't. I'm still working through it. But I think this conversation is really just God teaching itself, you teaching yourself, and me teaching myself. Of course the truth is that it's all an illusion...so why not love it ?

Thank you for the response friend.

✌ and ❤

-There is no God...there is ONLY God.