Tistepiste

Journey of peace and fulfillment.

7 posts in this topic

Before we start, I have some important things to confess.

Confessions - Being true to myself

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1- I am a drama queen and defensive. And this causes me the most pain. For me, and for others.

2- I expect more from people than I expect from myself. I expect people to be perfect. I don't expect myself to be perfect.
Perfect = Fitting to my ideal world (which is not even "perfect", what is perfect even?).

3- I get offended easily and therefore not stable. This is the product of 1 and 2.

4- My certainty is dependent on external factors instead of from within.

Because of 1+2+3+4 I have been feeling depressed for months now. Deeply depressed. No energy, no motivation, distrust, resentment, having a grudge. Suffering intrusive thoughts, feeling of incomprehension.
I am going to be honest, it has never in my life been this bad, and it's mostly based on one particular situation. One situation. How can it cause me this much pain and suffering? It was not even that dramatic.

I have a problem where I identify with my thoughts. That is probably the worst habit I have. 
It's always been a tendency of mine. Putting way more weights on the negative then on the positive.
It is like training your neural network and augmenting all of the little negative things, making them bigger and bigger where at one point you forget about all of the positives because the difference in energy has become too great.

I feel like, for me in order to live and be "happy", I have to get rid of every possible intruder, every possible negative situation, by thinking about it, and telling myself "why is this thought wrong, or how could this have taken place for that to happen." I am really certain by thinking about this, that this will go away eventually. Because then I can tell myself "now, you've spend so much energy on that, you deserve some rest"

If I am not taken away by thoughts, which, believe me or not, has been that way for a good year before this worst period of my life, I am taken away by everything else. Focusing on studying is a hard task, because even a written text is not perfect, or causes disturbances. Why is that word bigger????
Why did my mom come in right when I was so deeply focused? Am I sure that I read that title correctly?? How important is that part?? I should check it again!!!! Are you sure about it???

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Now, I am proud of myself. Very proud. I am proud because I admit my weaknesses and I want to work on them.

I will write more on this soon, about my experience and how being mindful and detachment from thinking affects my state of well-being

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3 months later now, and a lot has changed. 

August
Month of August was still very hard for me mentally. I was close to getting crazy. 
But, one of my greatest strengths, is my awareness of my ego-mind almost all times.
And certainly during this period.

I was aware of every bad thought, every bad feeling, every bad state of mind.
I was aware of its effect on me, and my unconscious response to it by being more agitated in real life, tired, no energy, etc.

The only real problem I had is that I did not know how to stop it causing an effect on me.
I tried to gain control instead of letting go. But I didn't know how to let go.

I had a very hard August because I had so much to do for university, graduating, writing and finishing my thesis, exams...
I didn't know how to stop the negative effect it had on me and on my studies.

I was at a point of just stopping everything, stopping my studies, because I was just empty. done. Couldn't do it anymore.

Mental state: 1/10

September
Decided to take some time off. 5 days alone, 10 days with my dad.
There, I had some good talks with my dad, but also a lot of quiet moments. He knew everything about my state.
At several points he asked me how I was doing. Everytime I told him "Ok", or "Better". Just being honest.

At one point in the travel, I was getting better and better, got more and more out of my head.
At that point, I answered "good". His eyes started tearing, and put his hand on my shoulder. A beautiful moment, it made me tear up myself.
Had a hard time not to cry.

After that travel, it seems like a weight fell of my shoulders. I suddenly could just let it all go.
All the bad situations, feeling misunderstood, feeling mistreated, feeling like I lost the people I loved a lot for the worst reasons, working hard, feeling bad. 

It was all a great learning lesson. A great lesson to look into my ego, look into my weaknesses. Look into how I can handle these things better. A look on how to let go, because I had no other choice.
A way to be more open to my family, my parents, and the ones who love me unconditionally.

Mental state:
Beginning september: 4/10
End september: 9/10

October
My head feels much more quiet now.
Almost just "good". Things that used to bother me don't bother me as much.
I feel more calm, less reactive, less agitated, and less tired.
I feel like I can finally enjoy life again and see it beauty, instead of being caught up in my mind.
I am doing a big big project now for myself, and I am enjoying it very much.


Mental state:
9/10

 


 

 

 

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End of October, beginning of November

Inner state:
Feels pretty good. Occasional feeling of stress, but not to worry too much about.
I take moments of rest occasionaly and fully. It's something I deserve, and enjoy.
My head is not racing with thoughts anymore, not trying to clamp onto unresolved stuff or agitations during the day.

I experience everything fully in the moment, and let go when I deem it unnecessary to hold on to a feeling any longer.
When it lost its importance in the situation, I kind of just focus my energy on something else and this energy seems stable, without any big disturbances.

My energy fluctuates a lot sometimes, though. I can go from moments of very high and a lot of energy, to moments where I am completely drained.
But I don't experience this as negative. It's just my body regulating its energy levels, I think.

When, during the day, I don't do a lot of exhaustive activity, I have a lot of energy stored that I need to dissipate or it accumulates.
I know my limits better, and am very aware of every  interaction. I have moments where I sense my self observing the people around me and their interactions, like an interested person. Interested in their way of cooperating and enjoying each others company. Puts me in a good mood, and harmonious.

I know my limits better, and am very aware of every  interaction. I have moments where I sense my self observing the people around me and their interactions, like an interested person. Interested in their way of cooperating and enjoying each others company. Puts me in a good mood, and harmonious.


I barely have any bad thoughts, and if they are, they are not intrusive.

Translation to external world:
I feel like I am more patient with people, however I tell how it is.
If someone annoys me a little, or is dishonest or just rude, I just tell it how it is. I barely care about the reaction of the person anymore.
I expressed my inner discontent. I don't necessarily think that I am right about me feeling that way, but instead of being quietly annoyed about it, I just like to express it in the moment for the negative energy not to get stuck inside of me and cause it to accumulate.

I try not make drama anymore. I used to make things bigger than they were, for myself. But now I can catch it in the root and just deem it a waste of energy to make it bigger than it is.

I am more calm and relaxed in general

I listen to people more and care more about them

 

 

 

 

 

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December and January

Old stuff has come to the surface once again. I should become better at acceptance without logic.

This is probably the most powerful thing I could have right now. Acceptance, forgiveness.

I can forgive, but I feel like I still can't accept. So. Do I actually really forgive? REALLY forgive? 

Confused right now. Not sure what to do with myself.

 

Mental state: 6.5/10

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Went to a party yesterday with 2 friends from my university.

Took MDMA. 

Was the best experience I had with MDMA. But also the worst.

One of my friends is mentally unstable. And while on MDMA I felt this strong urge to lecture him and to feel more with his heart then with his head. I told about my mental issues in the past. 

The effect was the opposite of what I had anticipated. He was weirded out. And I felt horrible. 

I apologized and eventually he said "no it's ok, it comes from your heart" and then we hugged. But still took me a while to get over it.

What followed was nothing short of magical. I just loved everyone in the room. I talked with at least 20 different people and hugged them intensely. Almost all of those people hugged me back with so much love. There was one guy in a wheelchair and we hugged for so long.. it was amazing... Had deep conversations with a lot of people spreading the love.

Just showed me a glimpse of what unconditional love feels like I guess and it was just mind blowing.

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Went to my grandparents today.
It has been a while since I had seen them.
 

I was there for my grandmother's 99th birthday. 
She is the sweetest woman ever. Her and my grandfather both.
I never heard them complain once or talk about other people even once.
They are the realest and most honest people I know.

That said, I haven't seen them in a while since they live far and I don't really have the time to visit them. Bad excuse though.

It was stressful today, though. Not the best day my grandparents went through. Made me realize a few things.

- Unconditional love is rare
- Bond between a respectful family is almost unbreakable
- Words are not always needed when it comes to understanding
- Spreading warmth unconsciously is more powerful than you realize
- Realization is the first step to acceptance

 

 

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