Taking back MY Life

[Colin]

I'm reading through the first chapter of this book, and it is dripping with gems. You'll love it. Get the audiobook if you can.

[zoey101]

9 hours ago, Colin said:

I'm reading through the first chapter of this book, and it is dripping with gems. You'll love it. Get the audiobook if you can.

Thank you so much! 

[zoey101]

Entry #7

Had an weird thought/moment today, wasn't really sure how to take it. I was talking to one of my coworkers about nothing in particular and then she asked me a question and I responded "Well you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat". We laughed and that was the end of the conversation. For some reason I was stuck on the phrase. Not the meaning, just why did I use that phrase? I never use it, I just heard it used on one of my favorite shows last night and I hear it in my head once the question was asked, so I said it. I completely forgot what we even talked about, I was so focused on the why.

I had a weird experience, it felt like I was "disconnected from reality", if that's the right way to describe it. I thought that the phrase I used was borrowed from the show, then I thought everything I say, isn't that just "borrowed"? I felt so silly for spending so much time thinking about it, but I was so stuck on it. 

All the phrases and the structure in which I speak/type, it's not really mine, it's just a compilation of everyone I've heard speak.

It's probably all nonsense, but it was definitely a weird thought. 

[thehero]

@zoey101

You're right on that insight

Your belief systems are acquired from other people 

Maybe even your sense of humor 

Or your mannerisms

The way the you see the world 

 

[zoey101]

@thehero I'm glad I'm not just crazily over analyzing nothing lol Thank you  

That makes me feel a little better about it

[tsuki]

20 hours ago, zoey101 said:

I had a weird experience, it felt like I was "disconnected from reality", if that's the right way to describe it.

@zoey101 How about: 'looking at it with my own eyes, free of pre-expectations'?
It did look weird, didn't it?

[zoey101]

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 How about: 'looking at it with my own eyes, free of pre-expectations'?
It did look weird, didn't it?

Yeah, like I was watching someone else, but totally aware it was me. It's hard to describe. I thought I was silly for thinking all of that lol

[tsuki]

@zoey101 Remember that feeling.

Take note whenever you observe it. It's important.

How is your fear of mirrors?

[zoey101]

3 hours ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 Remember that feeling.

Take note whenever you observe it. It's important.

How is your fear of mirrors?

Alright thank you.

I have actually been trying to work on it. I know it's a very silly fear, I can look at it, but it's when I look away but my reflection is still there that scares me. I can't help but get a feeling that my reflection doesn't move with me when I'm not looking (so silly). So I wash my hands bent over out of view of the mirror lol

But I spent a little while trying to just look at it. Then stopped when it started to creep me out again. 

[tsuki]

7 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I know it's a very silly fear, I can look at it, but it's when I look away but my reflection is still there that scares me. I can't help but get a feeling that my reflection doesn't move with me when I'm not looking (so silly). So I wash my hands bent over out of view of the mirror lol

@zoey101 It is not silly if it scares you.

Why would it be so terrible if she moved without you?
Maybe she's just watching your back? So that nobody can hurt you?
Like the shadow Zoey you're working on.

[zoey101]

@tsuki you know how when you are in a pitch black room and you look around, if you "see" things in the darkness it is just your brain attempting to "fill in the blanks", because the brain NEEDS input so it can fabricate it sometimes?

Well I think my reflection glares at me when I'm not looking.... Because that is what I think, that is what my brain will "fill in".....

If any of that makes sense.

 

[tsuki]

On 11.08.2018 at 11:25 PM, zoey101 said:

Well I think my reflection glares at me when I'm not looking.... Because that is what I think, that is what my brain will "fill in".....

If any of that makes sense.

@zoey101 Your explanation makes sense to you. You are not answering to me here, but to yourself.
There are no 'correct' answers to my questions other than the ones you feel are right.
We are not trying to make me understand you, but make you understand yourself.
I will 'squeeze' my understanding to fit your words, so don't worry about me.

Why is it unnerving that your reflection glares at you when you're not looking?

[zoey101]

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

Why is it unnerving that your reflection glares at you when you're not looking?

I don't know.. It's a pretty scary glare that I imagine. 

I try to tell myself that "she" is just messing with me to scare me, and can't do anything else but that. Silly, but it helps a little lol 

[tsuki]

@zoey101 Why would 'she' want to scare you?

Is your reflection not you? Nothing wrong with that of course, but It's interesting that 'she' is hostile somehow.

[zoey101]

I don't know  It's just kind of been a fear I've had since I was about 12, I think. I know how weird and irrational it is... It's not even just my reflection, its any reflection that isn't just the white wall... Like once I was looking down while washing my hands, and when I stood up, my husband was peeking his head in to ask me something and I just screamed at the top of my lungs because I just didn't expect anything to be there... It was pretty embarrassing...

[tsuki]

@zoey101 Did anything significant happen around the time when you were 12?

[zoey101]

I guess it was kind of a weird time.. My parents couldn't afford our house anymore so we moved and started living in a shed in my aunts backyard (7 of us in a shed about the size of an average living room) for about 6 months. New town, new school, new people. But I don't know how that could have caused it

[tsuki]

@zoey101 Oh, I see. My fiancee's parents split when she was around that age.
She went went through similar circumstances and it shows till this day in certain situations.
She became much more relaxed for the past three years. It takes time and willingness to heal.

I think that you're doing great. Keep working and I'm sure it will get better.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the video I recommended.

[zoey101]

@tsuki Which one? The one with the girl in the bubble?

I guess from 12-13 there was kind of a lot going on, now that I think about it. I didn't really think that would have anything to do with it. My husband found it strange because I have had this fear well before I knew there were movies about killer mirror people lol So I know it wasn't that. 

I suppose more digging is needed to discover the root of this. Thank you, I didn't think this was anything more than a silly fear, but if it is connected to something deeper, I hope I can find out what. 

[zoey101]

Entry #8

Wow! I just don't even know where to start. Please forgive me, I am not the best at explaining, but I will do my best!

First, I had the craziest dream the other day. I was walking through my apartment and I don't know what I was looking for, but I stopped in front of my bathroom and got a really weird feeling. I opened the door and looked at the mirror and my reflection was crying... I just stared at it and then I woke up. It was really weird, but clearly it was because I've been thinking about this and a lot of other things lately. 

Okay, so this dream has been on my mind and I just kind of tried to explore into it a little more to see if maybe I could discover something, and boy was it strange and awesome all at once

So, I just started by asking myself question after question. 

• What was that?
• Why were you crying?
• What do you want to be happy?
• What do you need to feel loved?

I had no clue what I was doing or why I asked those questions, but I just kind of went with it with no judgments. I don't really know what I was expecting, but I didn't magically get answers to those questions. So I went into the bathroom and just started staring at myself. I spent a good while trying to stop feeling like a creep lol but once I was finally able to focus, I started asking the questions again and I got this overwhelming feeling. 

I looked at myself and suddenly thought about how silly I have been this whole time. I have been spending SO MUCH TIME hating myself because of one small section in my life. I felt like everything was coming to me. 

• What was that?                     
  • It was what I have been doing to myself. Hurting, victimizing, blaming, tearing down, all of it was ME. 
• Why were you crying?         
  • Because I felt hated, scared, and angry, because of how I kept seeing myself. 
• What do you want to be happy? (and this is where the feelings really kicked in)
  • I AM happy! I have been happy! The only one who wasn't seeing it was ME! My life is everything I could think to want right now!
• What do you need to feel loved?
  • To JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!! There is NOTHING about me that isn't worth loving! I am beautiful, smart, hard working and everyone else loves me, so what makes me too good to? NOTHING!!!

Guy, it was seriously just amazing and I cried for like an 20 minutes lol I woke up feeling on top of the world! I didn't feel confused and "broken" anymore. I don't even care how silly all of this might sound!

I feel complete