Luna

advice on social anxiety.

21 posts in this topic

I'm going to college in a few months and I'm mortified. I have horrible social anxiety and can't even look into people's eyes when i talk

also the fact that I'm foreign I feel like I'm going to be judged and looked at wherever i go..

if you have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts please do write a comment because it has been keeping me up at night and education is so important to me I don't want my anxiety to stop me from doing it :(

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8 minutes ago, Luna said:

if you have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts

Just stop believing them and eventually they will go away. :) They seem powerful because you give them power over you. Stop giving them the power and be yourself. 

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@Luna, a start could be to frame the situation differently. So now you are mainly worried about how horrible it all could be. But you could instead focus on what an enormous opurtunity for growth this could be! 

I think this is the main difference between socially anxious people and people with little social anxiety:

Socially anxious people think about what could go wrong.

non-socially anxious people think about how the social experience could be fun or interesting.

 

So if you can get yourself to start thinking about socializing in a more positive way, this would be a big step forward.

Also it's totally okay to have awkward moments, not to know what to say, make an unfunny joke etc. This happens to everyone all the time. The only difference is that you are mortified and most people don't mind and go on with whatever there doing. 

I went from a pretty shy and socially anxious guy to pretty outgoing and relaxt in social situations.  So change is very very much possible.

really hope this helps and good luck!

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@Luna Three things that helped me.

1) Part of having social anxiety is believing you actually can have such a thing. There is nothing wrong with you. This is very important. 

****STOP TELLING YOURSELF YOU HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY****

2) Exposure. Lots of it. It going to suck and thats the point. You need to feel the anxiety and deliberately indulge in it. Realize that there is nothing wrong with the feeling or you for having it.

3) Affirmations. Do them following your meditation or yoga practice. Ideally at the beginning of your day.

 

Do this and be rid of this problem for the rest of your life. 

Put in the work, and good luck. 

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I’ve had social anxiety and severe eye contact problems for years, it got better now. Here are a few tips, experience whatever works for you:

  • Be mindful while talking to others (feel every word your lips form)
  • Stand with slightly folded legs (leads to more awareness on the legs, important if you think you‘re just a vulnerable spot behind the eyes)
  • do OSHOs dynamic meditation before going to class (leads to an open heart area and less social anxiety)
  • start to meditate daily and observe your thoughts, 5 min to start with (will show you that you‘re not forming your thoughts, makes them less serious)
  • before going to sleep, do a guided meditation to calm your stress levels down (helps to process the experience and will lead you more to yourself)

 

 

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I think one of the most important things with is to not think that nobody else is anxious. For other people their anxiety might be covered in different ways. There isn't you know a fault in you for having anxiety. It's an understandable reaction, I have anxiety often too. I handle it by not making it too big of a deal to myself that I'm anxious. Later on you'll also learn more about why you become anxious and stuff.

Who knows if you are judged? People as I said cope with their anxiety in different ways and have hard times. This might lead to them judging. But it can be okay as well, even if things are this way. Not everyone is judging the whole time. So it might be a hard time in your life right now, but it's also showing you what you might not like or want, thus giving you a better direction for the future.

If you feel anxious, you interpret things as anxious or related to it. So if you feel like you worry too much, know that it's a feeling that's causing it. Feelings are just feelings, even if beautiful. If you were to for example be angry, things would look like they're related to anger, and so on.

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Every time you're out, say "hi" to anyone who crosses your path, and then keep walking. You don't even have to make eye contact at first, you can upgrade to that later. At first it will trigger all sorts of emotional reactions in you, and thoughts like "what the hell am I doing?", "do they think I'm weird?" etc. After the 20th time you will get used to it. After the 100th time you will find yourself saying hi to random people without even noticing.

The good thing about this exercise is that it takes a second, you can do it wherever you are, and most importantly it's anonymous. But it will get you out of your shell and it will make your brain understand that it's no big deal, that nobody really cares, and it will shed light on your fears. And you will have a shit ton of fun doing it. In fact, you will discover that most people will say hi back to you, especially the ones most unexpected, and the rest will just ignore you because they're stuck in their minds thinking about themselves. 

Of course once you get more comfortable you can take this anywhere you want: making compliments on t-shirts as you pass by, asking random questions, starting conversations at the bus stop, etc. 

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On 7/29/2018 at 8:42 AM, Luna said:

I'm going to college in a few months and I'm mortified. I have horrible social anxiety and can't even look into people's eyes when i talk

also the fact that I'm foreign I feel like I'm going to be judged and looked at wherever i go..

if you have any advice on how to deal with these thoughts please do write a comment because it has been keeping me up at night and education is so important to me I don't want my anxiety to stop me from doing it :(

I am with you - and far too old for this ! Watch funny movies of socially awkward kids at College. The ability to laugh at yourself helps too.

'Energy flows where focus goes." Focus on the tons of hotties you either will make out with (relax folks) or the numerous ways you'll turn them all down. 

Think about the favorite aspect of your personality, and how you can share that with your new classmates 

And finally, remember that everyone else is also new and nervous, it does look like we walk into a crowd that they are separate from us, just walk in, take up your space, hold it. You worked hard to get here, you deserve to be there, in a couple years life's gonna be...

Love!

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There's no actual advice on this you gotta just live it, the more you expand your comfort zone the more it dissolves

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What is it that makes you feel so uncomfortable about yourself?


Reality is not infinite, reality is God Awareness. 

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@Luna This is overthinking. It can’t be resolved with more thinking, that just feeds into the problem. Awareness alone is curative. Try meditation twice a day, 30 minutes. Focus on breathing from your stomach all day everyday. When you notice you’re sucked into another thought tree - just return your focus to breathing from your stomach.

After practicing these for even a few days, you’ll begin to enjoy a ‘spaciousness’ between awareness (you) and thoughts (maya; like trees and cars). The spaciousness reveals you have identified with your thoughts, and that’s why emotions are so easily triggered by them. This revelation is freedom. You are not finite thoughts, you are infinite perfection, and you can do anything - unless you think in terms of resistance, or repeat conditional patterns of “I can’t”.

...meditation, meditation, meditation. ❤️


Truth is essential, not accidental - create a life worth waking up to, and you will. 

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Meditation + shadow work + exposure.

Meditation helps to develop equanimity to lube the difficulty of exposure + clarity to investigate the shadow.

Shadow work helps to understand the reasons of anxiety.

One of the best things for me lately to cure social anxiety was getting a job where I have to work with people, I had to approach strangers on a daily basis. Because of lots of meditation done before it was way easier. It's like jumping with a parachute over and over again. In a week of intense social interactions it will reduce by at least 50%, at least that's what the job did to me.

Let it fuck you up, it's not that scary, JUMP! :D

maxresdefault.jpg

 

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@Luna Hey Luna, this is weird but I totally stalked your profile because you reminded me of a very close friend in the profile picture who is named Luna and is actually the same age, is going to college in a month and strangely enough has struggled a great deal with anxiety as well!

I wanna start off by saying that your experience is completely understandable, you know it can be very difficult to feel sense of confidence and peace about who we are, given the way we have been brought up many times, not even realising it or choosing it but being in very toxic environments, starting out in families, and then going to kindergarten, school, etc. 

It is pretty shitty that we are thrown into the water and are made to deal with whatever insanity and injustice or abuse is around us. It can be really uncool and leave us feeling all kinds of awful.

I wanna suggest to you that no matter how scary the world or people may seem, the most beneficial thing you could do in your daily life, is not matter how insurmountable the odds or feelings feel, if you just pause for a few seconds or minutes, and take a few deep breaths, acknowledging your emotions come up and honoring their importance just only by focusing on your breath, you could start seeing a significant difference in your life, just one breath at a time.

I also want you to know that none of this is in any way your fault, you did not cause any of your bad experiences where you were victimized and blamed. You have always been absolutely innocent of any type of projection uttered in your direction, and the feelings in your body are a confirmation that against all odds you have managed to survive it, and now is time to become the amazing you have always known has been deep down begging you to let it out.

Just one breath at a time.

Sending much love to you. <3 


Hey, you are cute!

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On 8/17/2018 at 6:25 AM, Luna said:

@Joseph Maynor everything. I'm not at peace with almost anything about me 

You should start doing Enlightenment Work as part of your Personal Development Work.


Reality is not infinite, reality is God Awareness. 

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Posted (edited)

Social anxiety is because of internal beliefs you have about yourself. Your own self worth, Your own weight, Your own image, Your past interactions.

I advise you to read books about human interactions and please don't be disguested or repulsed by human nature. Just know there is no good or bad, people are natural and are behaving naturally even when they judge and criticise and bitch and moan and scheme. it just hardwired and popular culture promotes it.

1.Understand the concept "try not too hard to make friends" when interacting with people, just stay calm and put on mask of calmness and make small talks and don't make too big deal of it, when your mind nags you too hard that this person is potential friend, you will become timid, submissive and will spill out everything about yourself and this ends up not leading anywhere.

2.Read books(48 laws of power, chimpanzee politics:sex and power, apes in us, dictator handbook, art of seduction, thick face black heart, 33 strategies of war, les giblin power and confidence book, people skill, niccolo machiavelli the prince, the art of worldy wisdom by baltsar gracian and other books on ego) You will have greater understanding of human nature and how people behave and accept everything your read about others as normal and natural, This is theeye of the hawk. This has relieved me from many of social anxieties I had because I understood how people work in real life not how my poor parents conditioned me into timid, overly respecting person whom people stomp with their feet.

3. After you finish reading about human nature and ego, start learning about completely surrending and fully embracing yourself and loving yourself and develop mantras "I enjoy being myself because I love myself for myself has cared all of my life", "I love myself because my body everyday works hard to make me safe and wants to make me as much happy as possible", "My love for myself is so great that extends to all living creatures", "I love everything about myself, my good side and my bad side for they always worked truly to make my life much more comfortable.....etc. Practice self love. Self love doesn't make you narcissist, Narcissism happens when people hurt you, you develop a defensive character that protect your weak ego and you look down upon all people. When you truly practice loving yourself everyday, you become more loving of others for what they are even if they are nasty.

Social anxiety is disease of internal belief mostly out of your hand due to subconscious conditioning since childhood.

Once these beliefs(ego) are changed by practice, reading books and applying knowledge and interacting with others without too much expectations or anything in return or biased assumptions and total acceptance and approval of their nature, you will ease your social anxiety.

Edited by Your place at Heart

"Whatsoever is on it (the earth) will perish. And The Face of your Lord Full of Majesty and Honour will remain forever❤️" Quran: Surat Ar-Rahman (The Merciful)

"We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient"💙Quran: Suratal Al-baqarah (The Cow)

 

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My social anxiety cured itself with practice and constantly exposing myself to situations that previously made me uncomfortable.  Sometimes books/videos can only take a person so far; practical work is needed to learn/grow.

Do things that increase your self confidence ... find the right group of friends.  Get a new outfit, change your appearance to your liking ... it's a complicated equation that's different for each person.

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I was unable to hold eye contact, often even talk to strangers or people I didn't knew well, up until 30 year old or so.
Today, I don't care anymore. I can make eye contact all day long and engage with anyone in any small talk most of the time.
It's hard to pinpoint why exactly as I started changing lots of things in my life before the changes started to happen, but I would say it's about both ideas and actions.

Firstly, do it so you can see it's not as bad as you thought it would be. I might not be great (if so, what's the big deal? Make it better next time) but it might be better than expected. I'm sure most of the things you were afraid to do ended up turning not that bad once you did make the first step.
Also know that you are the people you're talking to. Treat everyone (that's not obviously fully toxic) with love, be genuinely interested in what they say, their view, etc, even if you don't necessarily resonate with it.
And paradoxically, whatever people say is important but it's also not important. You can walk away anytime. You're free to do whatever you want and turning people's judgment into nothing. But if you follow the way of being both genuine and caring with anyone, the vast majority of people will like you anyway. You don't have to make many efforts about what you say. Just speak your mind to some degree. Even very small talk pass. Most people care more about the vibe you give than what you actually say (which doesn't mean you should not look to be someone interesting, but you get the idea)

It's not much and I don't think I can form my thoughts correctly as I don't know exactly what changed me, but here.

(oh and also, if you have anxiety, and you can manage to stop stuff like coffee, it will help. Sounds obvious but yeah.)
(and meditation. Meditation teaches you to be present and not in your own head so much)

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I would watch Leo's video, "How To Stop Caring What People Think Of You".  It could help.

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