zoey101

Am I Dissociating?

16 posts in this topic

I have been working on my personal development for a while now. I do my best to meditate and do what I can to research and learn on my own, but lately I have been feeling disconnected from reality again.. 

I was getting better at focusing, but now it feels like my mind wanders worse than before... I could be doing anything and then my mind snaps into another thought.. usually not pleasant ones.. but I find myself stuck and trying to fight the thought out of my head, or I at least try to refocus on whatever I was doing. It's gotten to the point that I could be in the middle of work and the thoughts creep in and I go on a sort of "auto-pilot mode" while I try to fight them again... but it slows me down at work..

It's starting to worry me.. I try to meditate in the moments sometimes to clear my head.. but nothing seems to work... I don't know if I'm going crazy, or if this is normal... but it doesn't feel normal.. 

 

I'm not sure what more I can do.. I don't understand the issue I am having.. 

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1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

Its okay relax breathe. 

Its gonna be okay.

:x:x  you're gonna make me cry :')

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@egoeimai I just wish I knew what was wrong with me... If I know what's wrong, then I know what type of solutions to look for.. you know? but this has been an issue for years now..

Edited by zoey101

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3 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

@egoeimai I just wish I knew what was wrong with me... If I know what's wrong, then I know what type of solutions to look for.. you know? but this has been an issue for years now..

There's nothing wrong with you. Relax in the present moment,let the moment absorb and dissolve you. 

You're divine consciouness. ❤

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1 minute ago, egoeimai said:

There's nothing wrong with you. Relax in the present moment,let the moment absorb and dissolve you. 

You're divine consciouness. ❤

I try to keep that in mind :/ and it did help relax me for a while.. but this thing is like a drug... I feel some sort of mental "withdrawal" if I don't think about these awful thoughts... 

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I can really understand this "addiction-like" feeling for these thoughts. But well, I haven't find any solution for this yet, so I am sorry. No matter how hard I try to refocus, this feeling, this urge of going back into these thought-stories is equally strong as the peace felt in awareness for me. What I mean is that I am torn. Unfortunately.

Edited by Nadosa

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What meditation are you doing?

Because you might want to consider Do-Nothing meditation, its a form of meditation that's not dependent of focus (at least from my experience I could be wrong). But rather is just meant to accept the present moment.

Either way de-focusing is bound to happen, If bad emotions arise work through those. 

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according to this book

13152847.jpg

gratitude is the solution to out of control thinking.

Listening to this video whenever you feel interested or up to it can help.

Good News Translation
be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus. 
- 1 Thessalonians 5:18 


The kingdom of heaven is within.

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Here is another more scientific perspective.

https://bebrainfit.com/gaba-supplements-stress-anxiety/

"Here are some of the typical signs of GABA deficiency:

You’re filled with dread and have a knot in your stomach for no obvious reason.

You’re frequently late because you’re too disorganized to get going in time.

You’re often doing many things at once, but at the end of the day have little to show for your efforts.

Even when things are going well, you find new things to worry about.

You can’t relax and racing thoughts keep you up at night.

Sometimes your heart pounds or beats erratically for no reason.

You rely on high carbohydrate foods, drugs, or alcohol to relax."


The kingdom of heaven is within.

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13 hours ago, Etagnwo said:

@zoey101

Bill Harris: Absolutely.  Well, you mentioned shadow and in case people that are listening, some of them aren’t quite sure what we mean by that, why don’t we kind of explain what shadow is and I know right before we started recording we were talking about the fact that this shadow material is one of the things that can kind of pull a person out of being in the present moment, out of this now space.  

So, lets describe a little bit about what shadow is and some of the integral ways of dealing with it. 

Ken Wilber: Right because what you start doing when you start paying attention to the now is that you realize fairly immediately that when you’re resting in the now, when you’re really just giving pure awareness to the pure present, most of life’s difficulties seem to evaporate.  

It’s really true that you are free of the past and free of the future and open to this pure present and the pure present seems to have no boundaries and is wide open and is free of most anxiety and free of most depression and clearly that’s a place where one would like to live and certainly the mystics agree. 

But as you start doing that as a practice, you will notice that okay, “I’m aware of the now moment, I’m aware of the now moment, I’m aware of the now moment” and then at some point, you’ll realize you are not.  

At some point you have lost yesterday or thoughts of tomorrow or some distraction. So what causes that is an important aspect to look at when we are doing any type of integral practice, any type of integral spiritual practice, is to try to understand what factors cause me to fall out of this now moment. 

And there are at least two that are really important and one is the shadow, and the shadow is any unconscious or dissociated material from one’s self that you have pushed out of awareness, tried to deny, tried to project or dissociate and it could be feelings of anger, could be feelings of jealousy, could be feelings of sexuality, it could be power drives. 

At some point in the past, these became uncomfortable feelings and so, you know, in a typical sort of Freudian way, we push these out of awareness and we tend to project them onto other people.  

“Oh, I’m not angry, but that person over there is angry,” or tend to displace them, tend to have these feelings show up in disguised, morbid, uncomfortable forms and so what happens is you’re paying attention to the now and you’re paying attention to the now and you’re paying attention to the now and all of a sudden you’re not, and one of the reasons you’re not is that you are caught in shadow material.  

The shadow is something that was formed yesterday and so it pulls you back into the past. 

So, you’re going along and maybe you meet somebody that reminds you of your shadow elements and all of a sudden you  reactivate the shadow and all of a sudden, you’re out of  the now and that’s one very powerful thing that makes staying in the now difficult.  

So, one of the ways that we want to work with that is in the integral life practice and Integral Life Practice Starter Kit that Integral Institute makes available, there’s an entire section on working with the shadow and that works with identifying shadow material and dialoguing with it and then identifying with it, reintegrating with it so that you take it back, make it part of yourself, integrate it and then can let it go and then literally transcend it and not have it be this source of pulling you out of the now all of the time. 

Wow. That really makes a lot of sense, especially when he says:

"And there are at least two that are really important and one is the shadow, and the shadow is any unconscious or dissociated material from one’s self that you have pushed out of awareness, tried to deny, tried to project or dissociate and it could be feelings of anger, could be feelings of jealousy, could be feelings of sexuality, it could be power drives. "

Thank you! I will try to think on that.

 

11 hours ago, Etagnwo said:

Look at what you're doing!! 

Cultivate a non judgemental detached observer understanding of your thoughts. They are you, but you are treating them as "things" that you're trying to rid yourself of. The observer is just another part of the mind that stands a little bit back from it all and thinks about thought. 

 

Thank you, I will try.

 

10 hours ago, Jamie Universe said:

What meditation are you doing?

Because you might want to consider Do-Nothing meditation, its a form of meditation that's not dependent of focus (at least from my experience I could be wrong). But rather is just meant to accept the present moment.

Either way de-focusing is bound to happen, If bad emotions arise work through those. 

I personally enjoy "Heart Rhythm Meditation". It's been a real help calming anxiety and it was working before to help clear my mind :/

But I will look more into that. Thank you!

 

10 hours ago, Etagnwo said:

@zoey101 Do you hate yourself? I mean do you dislike your need for power, admiration, adoration? Do you dislike your desire to hurt, to manipulate for your own benefit and to the detriment of another organism? Do you hate the fact you're capable of physically removing the food from a child's hands so you can feed yourself?

You're a christain aren't you? How much of your christain persona do you think blocks you from accepting your inner beast? Orthodox Christians call the inner animal "Satan", their ego likes to chop their own psyche up into fragments and then identify with the light. Who did this to you? 

I wouldn't go as far as to say "I hate myself".. I do like things about myself. I know the need for power, admiration and adoration is a huge part of our struggle as sinful human beings. Of course I wish that I didn't have to fight with that, but I accept that I am only human and can't ever be perfect. 

But as far as the "desire to hurt, to manipulate for your own benefit and to the detriment of another organism? Do you hate the fact you're capable of physically removing the food from a child's hands so you can feed yourself?" I honestly wouldn't do those things. Not because I am Christian necessarily... I am a mother and I have a desire to care and help others, not hurt them. In most cases I am the one getting screwed because of my blind kindness. Plus I do my "hunting" at the local Walmart ;) 

But seriously lol, I do see what you mean by it blocks me. I have been probably the most open minded Christian I know, besides my husband. I wish the community on this site was a TRUE reflection of how the whole world interacted. We all have different and varying beliefs, but we don't hate each other or put each other down for it (for the most part). No wars have been started because someone on this site disagreed with something some one else said. But I am still firm in believing that the only way to heaven is through Salvation. I would never stop talking to someone or treat someone differently because of their beliefs. We are supposed to be loving and accepting. That's the point. 

 

7 hours ago, Colin said:

Here is another more scientific perspective.

https://bebrainfit.com/gaba-supplements-stress-anxiety/

"Here are some of the typical signs of GABA deficiency:

You’re filled with dread and have a knot in your stomach for no obvious reason.

You’re frequently late because you’re too disorganized to get going in time.

You’re often doing many things at once, but at the end of the day have little to show for your efforts.

Even when things are going well, you find new things to worry about.

You can’t relax and racing thoughts keep you up at night.

Sometimes your heart pounds or beats erratically for no reason.

You rely on high carbohydrate foods, drugs, or alcohol to relax."

Thank you for the resources!

 

Sorry for the LONG post lol had to catch up :)

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54 minutes ago, Etagnwo said:

Ok, so you wouldn't do those things in the situation you current find yourself in (as a mother / partner/ friend/ living in society) but would you hurt another in a situation where you HAD to? I know this is disturbing but imagine you were in a situation where you were starving to death. Is there a part of you that would take the child's food? We used to be like that as a species. Why would intellectual development happen to change that? It doesn't change it. Intellectual development is only so useful as the circumstances dictate. Peterson is talking about those deeply hidden aspects of ourselves and integrating them. But to integrate them so that they no longer cause symptom we need to admit that were at least capable of behaving in such primative ways. Can we be loving and accepting all of the time? What a small feeling - to be crammed into having to be compassionate and caring all the time. All the time while you have to deal with the consequences of that by experiencing these symptoms and daydreams while you're trying to focus. 

lol I really hate to be difficult

But I actually have been in a situation like that (not with my daughter, thank God). When I was about 13 my family was homeless and living in a shed in the back of my aunt house because times got tough for my parents in our old city so we had to uproot in the night basically. There was a day when both my parents were out so my older sister and I were in charge of our two little sisters who were maybe 7-8 at the time. We had no food in the house and my lovely "responsible aunt" forgot to go shopping before my uncle took their only vehicle to work ¬¬ 

I was able to find a SINGLE bag of minute rice and we cooked it for us. There was only enough for two though, so my sister and I went hungry to feed the little ones. 

I'm not in any way trying to be like "hey look how awesome I am", or anything like that. lol

I get what you are saying. Like in a situation where I had to chose between my child or another child eating, I would give it to my daughter in a second. I'd feel like a monster, but that's just how I would have to do it. 

 

Thank you for the videos! I will try to watch them on my lunch break and let you know what I think :)

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@Etagnwo

This video describes the animal aspects you mention in your post, it is an interesting description of the human experience


The kingdom of heaven is within.

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I tell my sister all the time. 

To achieve what you want, do what needs to be done.

Read all the books, take all the action, embrace all the emotional labor. Take baby steps. Make sheets that remind you of your vision, keep you hopeful. Get creative, problem solve your challenges. It's all in your hands - you're 100% responsible for your life. 

Simple. But challenging. 

I also tell her, listen to your own advice!

Which I must take my advice about listening to your own advice 

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On 7/7/2018 at 0:44 AM, d0ornokey said:

I tell my sister all the time. 

To achieve what you want, do what needs to be done.

Read all the books, take all the action, embrace all the emotional labor. Take baby steps. Make sheets that remind you of your vision, keep you hopeful. Get creative, problem solve your challenges. It's all in your hands - you're 100% responsible for your life. 

Simple. But challenging. 

I also tell her, listen to your own advice!

Which I must take my advice about listening to your own advice 

Yeah, I agree. It is hard :/ but I do tent to give better advise than I actually follow, so I should start to listen to myself :)

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