Politeness Paradigm

[HangOn]

Hi,

sort of a catchy title, but hey, learned that from Leo.  The question is related to "Understanding How Paradigms Work" and generally paradigms:

Over the years I've come across communication models/methods revolving around, simply said, being polite. Examples:

• When getting offended, do not accuse the other. State what has happened, how that makes you feel and how that (negatively) impacts you
• Apologize early and often
• When a friend is sad because you aren't available for a meeting he suggested, you express regret to your friend. You'd do that even though the way you see it is that in the past you've tried to meet, and your friend could never make it. So you do not actually feel regret. The model tells you that the important thing to communicate is your understanding of the other ones position, which is the sadness, which is independent on your story of how the other one has behaved previously.

When contemplating  paradigms, the above came to my mind, and I thought: "Wow, this may not be itself a paradigm, but could it be part of one? I've practiced this for  many years, but never really questioned it, I only questioned my ability to follow through. What if that's actually based on a paradigm? And what would be alternatives? Honesty comes to mind. I guess radical honesty eliminates any need to use a communication model, because, well, you're just speaking your truth. But is that all there is to it?

[Zweistein]

Oh yes, communication! Such an important topic here in the forum! Especially when it comes to giving advice!

Someone told me an important sentence, which I will never forget: "People tend to give you advice based rather on their own story, not necessarily taylored to how you actually feel."

I also learned that if I find myself giving advice, I can use that to realize that there is something deep inside me that I haven't worked through. If I write sentences like: "You have to do this or that" - I can realize that "I actually have to do this or that". 

It also helps me to see where other people still have issues that they haven't worked through... (this is very helpful to not get upset).

I'm not sure where I learned this, but I learned it somewhere on the way. Maybe through a combination of self-inquiry with Byron Katie's work (turning things around) and insights I had when watching Leo's video (e.g. "All critizism is untainable" and "How you lie").

[White]

@Zweistein no nuances or shades of greys? It's just "everyone who gives advice has that particular problem themselves". No middle ground? It's just either/ or? 

[Zweistein]

2 minutes ago, White said:

@Zweistein no nuances or shades of greys? It's just "everyone who gives advice has that particular problem themselves". No middle ground? It's just either/ or? 

@White: Good one - obviously not everyone ;-)

Also, I can observe that I was just in the middle of giving advice, lol. 

So, I better go and do some laundry now ;-)

[ChimpBrain]

This sounds a lot like the advice given in nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Have you read that by chance? 

[Zweistein]

Marshall Rosenberg - good one!