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Nadosa

God damn - I think I found a reasonable explanation for why Ive felt like I should be

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dead. Why I felt trapped in time. Why I felt like after that day I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE ANYMORE.

So, as fellow DPDR sufferer, actually not anymore, but I really really struggled with irrational thoughts after the symptoms faded, I have a big big problem with time and my existence associated with it.

So, I have really confused you with my countless talkings about "ego death" (smth not commonly used in buddhism) and feeling like “I am not supposed to be alive” anymore. I write down these words which brought me to a realization. I checked my beliefs, the deepest once again and I think I unwired a knot or at least found a bit better description of how I feel.

In 2017 time was running away and I felt like I couldnt bear/handle its speed, time was so fast because of 24/7 worrying, but suddenly I felt like I slipped out of a logical sense of time and that was when I had this old “I” dying feeling. Like it was August and I felt like I wasnt ready for it yet that time ran so fast and I resisted with all I could against time – of course time was moving forward and so I continued to feel “out of time”. That is the whole issue. It is totally based on time and my resistance.

I feel like I am somehow an being in psychological time and I am dependent on it in order to exist, TRULY BELIEVING (I didnt want time to continue, I fought it constantly) I was slipping out of that makes me feel not normal, because just a normal person has a normal sense of time and is somehow existing “healthily” in this concept. I feel like I am not supposed to or just cant live in psychological time anymore.

When I was going for a run I felt like, I am not existing anyways in a "whole", so I had a complete blockade and training wasnt doing anything. I just couldnt explain what happened. I've had a complete blockade in all of my healing methods, so that everything felt useless, until I felt like hm maybe you were really supposed to die? Damn I felt like I just outsmarted psychological time. That proves that we are not human, but much more.

That day where I was heavily resisting the passage of time, I interpret as the day where I felt like “I was supposed to die”, because time moved forward without me stopping. This created a big delusion, I thought I really was supposed to die whereas I was just fighting against an illusion.

Ok, I hope that makes sense, and even if, how the hell did this create such a big confict? I mean lifes been truly HELL with that belief, I couldnt/cant do anything, not even meditation because I thought it's been "after my death day".

But that basically explains my mental turmoil when I looked at the calendar for example.

I dont know if this fight + belief has been the reason for 8 months of suffering, but is that possible?

Edited by Nadosa

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47 minutes ago, Elisabeth said:

That's a mindfuck...

A worn out mind is prone to irrationality ? I truly believed I am somehow human dependent on time and that time was moving forward without me.

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Letting this belief go makes me feel so insane. Can anyone guide me through this? It is like I revealed the mind's secret weapon which now goes full ham against me. It is like waking up from a dream, but the monsters of the dream try to tear me back. 

Edited by Nadosa

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