Help me help other ?

[Charlotte]

Okay, I have a friend, for the sake of this thread let's call her Ruth (lol at Ruth ). 

Ruth has messaged me asking me for help. It started by her asking how could she keep promises to herself, she cannot lose weight, it started when she was younger, bullied heavily so she's had this love hate relationship with food all her life, she felt she wanted to lose weight for the sake of other people but now it's turned into health reasons. She feels this is a vicious cycle.

She also explains that she cannot love herself. She said 

" Thing is I like some parts of my body, my personality,  my looks, 

Although I don't like my inability to succeed in weight loss.

Do you think I'm ill? I dont think I'm ill.

I just think I gotta love myself. Trust myself. Pamper myself. Be good to myself.

But I don't know how.

My parents have been treating me like shit from childhood.

So what can I do?

I dont feel like simple things like doing my makeup my hair etc would help to love myself, but rather raise my mood a littlebit. Which I do,  I do take care of myself in that level, makeup hair nails etc. It a passion of mine.

But thats not enough.

I dont have a hand to hold and stay strong. Metaphorically its like I have two hands and one seek live acceptance compassion and my other hand wants me to be miserable, doesnt want to help the other hand, and one hand feels alone, we dont unite.

I feel I wanna reconcile with myself. Myself is the only one that I have. Nothing else. If I don't have my support then who can do It for me? Noone cares more than I should care. 

I wanna be independent strong, a winner. But one hand needs the other." 

I'm clearly not an expert but what I've come up with is, she hasn't been loved from her parent's growing up, she turned to food as a means to maybe hide/suppress suffering/get pleasure at a young age and that's led to weight issues her whole life.

Truly accepting the person she is today I feel would be an immense positive for her but I also feel she has a lot of shadow work to do? I don't think she will be able to accept the person she is today until she reflects into her past and releases any emotional blockages, counseling maybe? 

Let me know what you think 

Thanking you

♥️?

 

[John Iverson]

I don't read it till the end, but the struggle is hard for her.. I'm struggling too with my sexual urges, fap.. so yeah, I understand how hard to control the urge to eat.. when it comes to urges it is stronger than you yes definitely!!! make her accept that, that is hard.. it is a long process of purification of fats and other stuff on her belly.. if she is super insecure about what she appears,on her appearance it is more helpful if you support her to the gym... like ask her For a bonding and go to the gym! ask her if she is open for a diet, I mean let her watch Leo's Video about what food is good to BUY in the market!... That is very hard! Say to her that it is normal, .. but it is worth it if you see yourself a slim and hot chick! HAAHHAAHH I HOPE SOMEDAY I can have a hot chick HAHAHAHAHHA all she needs is a motivation!!... Another option is to ask her what she wants to do? At the end of the day she owns her life.. and she knows what to do she need know!, if she wants an advice from you and she don't know what to do maybe influence her to watch actualized.org! HAHAHAHAH! Or influence her to be better , anything.. 

[Charlotte]

@John Iverson  Thank you for reply. 

She explains she has lost weight in the past but she always fails and returns to junk food. It's in the long term she struggles. 

I don't know John I think her troubles are much deeper than motivation, perseverance based. 

[egoeimai]

Oh poor girl

I can relate

?

[Rebec]

@Charlotte Ruth has found in turning to you with her story, another copingsmechanism to deal with her life. By letting you know how she is feeling and wanting advice, she is putting the burden of her own problems to you and will unconsciously project this in the future back to you. 

Your position on this should be the 'distant and question asking' friend instead of 'giving advice and help' friend (she will because of this copingsmechanism blame you if your advice is not working).

Question her on everything, why does she think that of herself, how does she see her future, what is her plan of action, worst case future scenario, and so on. Let herself come up with ideas about journaling, watching self help videos and all the rest. Praise her when she put effort in it. Do not emotionally react or involve when she doesn't (this will only futher strenghten her copingsmechanism). 

When she learns that only she is 100% responsible for her life, than you be emotionally involved as a friend (no longer will this copingsmechanism exist).

Remember caring friends aren't always the ones who take the problems of their friends  shoulders and give advice, they listen and ask smart questions ?.

 

[John Iverson]

8 hours ago, Charlotte said:

@John Iverson  Thank you for reply. 

She explains she has lost weight in the past but she always fails and returns to junk food. It's in the long term she struggles. 

I don't know John I think her troubles are much deeper than motivation, perseverance based. 

Same as my fap problem I'm still failing, last time I succeeded 40 days, the goal is 90 days, but I failed at 41, after I failed I feel that there is an enormous change in myself.. tell her that changes  there is an ego backlash after some changes it slides back down to your comfort zone, but some how there is  growth there, if she has accepted the truth that , that is hard she can also learn how to absorb the painful part of life...

teach her how to meditate.. motivation is a big part to have a reason to move forward.. make a VISUALIZATION OF HERSELF,. VISUALIZE THAT SHE IS HOT If she wants to.. but the only reason that she failed, she cannot accept the painful feeling of making changes.. now I am accepting how painful my life without any sex life,. Plus my sexual energy and libido is high,.. imagine my suffering.. I have a high sexual energy and my libido is very high, but I don't have a sex life.. even once.. so I must accept this pain

I tried to chat someone on a dating app, but still there I failed.. I must face how painfu itl is that I get comfortable.... there is no choice rather than I choose to not love myself and let myself fall because of this failure I rather accept all the pain and hey that is life that is okay, move on keep forward.. I don't repress or suppress it, but I accept the feeling deep down in my bones ha-ha

it is the same as sex life and food urges! Hahaha food is yummy has a pleasure in it and she is suffering because of that,. She is running away of the pain by hurting herself or judging herself or etc..  it cannot be solve by those steps or actions.. it can be solve by just simply be gentle on herself.. cheer her!! And give him the work !  buy healthy foods if she don't want to go to the gym that is faster ! Leo provide videos of that..

Edited May 21, 2018 by John Iverson

[Solace]

If you can ask her to stand naked in front of a mirror for two minutes each day, it helped me accept my body, including all if the "flaws" I didn't like.

To stop eating junk food, don't resist it when the desire arises. See it as a talent! "Oh here I go, I'm moving towards the fridge about to divulge my face! Wow, look at how strong I am at opening the fridge door, and without anyone in the house noticing too. I'd better shut the blinds so nobody sees me put this food in this hole that I can't even see. Here I go, unwrapping the chocolate bar so skillfully. In the hole it goes. Gosh! I need to enter into the chocolate Olympics. I need more! This one 250g bar hasn't suppressed my emotions enough. Let's eat my emotions some more. Great idea. This is the most loving thing I can put in my body."

The ego can't get high on a addiction when it becomes a talent. Naturally it will stop, it's a piece of cake

[Charlotte]

@Solace @John Iverson  Thank you so much guys. I've pointed her towards this website and this thread so she will be able to read all advice ♥️

10 hours ago, Rebec said:

she is putting the burden of her own problems to you

Only if I allow that rebec. 

10 hours ago, Rebec said:

Remember caring friends aren't always the ones who take the problems of their friends  shoulders and give advice, they listen and ask smart questions ?.

I completely agree. I don't take people's problems on my shoulders, that's up to myself. Thank you so much for your generous reply all of you ♥️

[Torkys]

Provide her with the love she deserves, help her do shadow work (and/or the completion process), trace back how her "self-hate" is actually trying to protect her and integrate this part of her. 

And of course, I love you @Charlotte for being a force of good  May persistence and love guide you! 

Edited May 21, 2018 by Torkys

[Charlotte]

@Torkys Thanks so much dude! 

Bless your heart ♥️?

[Ether]

On 21/05/2018 at 1:35 AM, Torkys said:

And of course, I love you @Charlotte for being a force of good  May persistence and love guide you! 

You dont love her cuz u a closet ---

[Torkys]

@Ether True Love transcends time and space, even sexuality

[Ether]

@Torkys Ok, --- man

[Charlotte]

22 hours ago, Ether said:

I love you @Charlotte

@Torkys

22 hours ago, Ether said:

You dont love her cuz u a closet ---

21 hours ago, Torkys said:

True Love transcends time and space, even sexuality

21 hours ago, Ether said:

Ok, --- man

?

[Ether]

@Charlotte

[Torkys]

21 hours ago, Ether said:

@Torkys Ok, --- man

No u

[Ether]

21 minutes ago, Torkys said:

No u

 

[Key Elements]

@Charlotte Have you and Ruth ever signed up to do dance aerobics together? It's fun! You could do that over the weekend on your free time and burn those calories. What about yoga? The both of you could try to figure out your LP together and have fun with this too.

The point is, have some fun while solving problems. To me, it looks like she has to learn how to solve problems, and eventually not be overly dependent and esp not be emotionally dependent on anyone.

[egoeimai]

Does ruth feel better after the advice you gave?

?

[Charlotte]

@Ether ? 

@Key Elements thank you so much for your input sweetie but unfortunately we live in different countries ? all I can do is verbally communicate with her and hope she puts the necessary work in. 

@egoeimai Erm... I'm unsure, I hope so. I kind of left her to it and remained hopeful she's done the research into shadow work or whatever. We shall wait and see ?♥️