Xin

I hit my mum

18 posts in this topic

So today me and my mum got into a rant about wearing blue-light filtering glasses and she thinks ill go blind with them on. I'm usually pretty proactive and would've just taken them off but today I kept them on for some reason, so she got mad and snapped them and I just hit her in the face, it wasn't a hard or anything but it was like I was controlled by something else , i wasn't really conscious.

I'm not sure what to think of this situation , i kind of feel like giving up on everything, it was pretty stupid to argue about such a thing, what do you guys think I should do?

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Okay,

First thing you need to do, before ANYTHING else, is apologize to your mom... I understand it seems awkward right now, but you just explained here that you are ashamed and hurt by what you did. Your mom needs to know that. Tell here exactly what you said. And if she doesn't accept your apology right away, you need to accept that because she is allowed to feel the way she does about the situation. You just give her some time if that is the case. 

You absolutely can NOT say NOTHING to her. She deserves more than that.

After that, you maybe should work on some anger management techniques to help you better understand why you did this and how to keep yourself from doing it again. It could be a chemical imbalance, it could just be and ego imbalance. But it's something you have to discover :)

 

I'll be praying for you and your mama ^_^

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I'd apologize. Physical action is never ever okay, especially not towards your mum. Try to stay present during rants, calmly observant instead of following what's going on up there in your mind. 

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Thank you for sharing such a sensitive issue Xin.

First you need a space to calm down. If you need to go away somewhere and blow off the steam do that. If your Mom doesn't want to see your face right now, go somewhere and give her and yourself some space. 

After that let the reality hit you, and meditate on it. It will be emotionally tough, but necessary.

Once you go through the hell of realising what just has happened and all the anger, sadness and shame, then, only after that forgive yourself.

After that, you will know what to do.

And never ever do this again. No matter what.

Emotions are like owning a dog. We are not always in control of them. However, if your dog bites someone, you are responsible for it. This is also true with your emotions. You are responsible for them, whether you can control them or not. So take charge.

Read some books on how to control your emotions. I recommend this book: The Chimp Paradox. Or there are plenty of fantastic books on Leo's book list.

Good luck, and don't forget to kiss your mother's hands later. 

 

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6 minutes ago, Samra said:

Good luck, and don't forget to kiss your mother's hands later

and her cheek :)

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Can you explain more in depth what happened before you hit her?

34 minutes ago, Xin said:

but today I kept them on for some reason, so she got mad and snapped them

Snapped what? Did she come up to you angry and pulled off your own glasses?

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Why you guys instantly take the mother as the victim?

He is obviously the victim is this case (and his mom) 

Your relationship with your mom seems bad and she has probably hurt you unconsciously many times because because no one taught her how to be herself. 

Anyway, violence is a result of deeply negative emotions which means the problem is there whether you hit her or not. 

If you're not to young you should try to get your own place. Continue your practice, add meditation. Everything is your fault but you will have to discover that for yourself. Your moms problems is her problems. 

Be prepared! This works takes long time! But never stop! Keep going, keeping practicing for your own happiness and you are bound to see results. 

Much love 🙏

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@cirkussmile while I agree that there may be underlying issues here, the second you become violent, your point has been completely lost and you are automatically wrong... That's why I believe he should apologize first. Whatever the situation, by him apologizing, and meaning it, he is putting things back on level ground, at least in my eyes.

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1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

@cirkussmile while I agree that there may be underlying issues here, the second you become violent, your point has been completely lost and you are automatically wrong... That's why I believe he should apologize first. Whatever the situation, by him apologizing, and meaning it, he is putting things back on level ground, at least in my eyes.

An apology doesn't change anything and it never will. People are apologizing all the time but they still suffer. 

Whatif he's not sorry? What if he feels that he can't take responsibility for what happened? What if this is no one's fault? 

 

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Just now, cirkussmile said:

Whatif he's not sorry? What if he feels that he can't take responsibility for what happened? What if this is no one's fault? 

 

If the apology is insincere then it is better off unsaid, I agree.

I never said it fixed anything. It could fix absolutely nothing. My point is that people are constantly going back and forward doing and saying things to hurt one another or "one-up" the other person, but the word "SORRY" always seems to be the last thought or not even a thought in situations like this.

When I said this:

21 hours ago, zoey101 said:

And if she doesn't accept your apology right away, you need to accept that because she is allowed to feel the way she does about the situation. You just give her some time if that is the case. 

I wasn't implying that he was completely at fault, or that his mother was justified in feeling that way. What I meant was, if she doesn't want to except the apology, then it is out of his hands. He took the step to mend the relationship and now it is up to his mom to reciprocate, or not. 

The OP's post comes off as regretful and he seems ready and willing to fix this. Whatever the situation, he can either be the bigger MAN and apologize, or he can just leave things awkward till either they just act like nothing happened and go on with life or the relationship completely deteriorates. But either way, someone needs to make the first move. I think based on solely what was said in this post, it needs to be the OP. I'm willing to change my opinion if he is willing to elaborate on their entire relationship, but I won't respond based on a hypothetical relationship.

If that makes sense :) 

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No amount of regret can change the past. Work on yourself, change yourself. This is the real point of regret something. 

 ,, Why would anyone demand an apology? You have something to explore in that. Even when someone supposedly was mean to you, there is no room for apology. '' - Anthony De Mello ,,Awereness'' 

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34 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

If the apology is insincere then it is better off unsaid, I agree.

I never said it fixed anything. It could fix absolutely nothing. My point is that people are constantly going back and forward doing and saying things to hurt one another or "one-up" the other person, but the word "SORRY" always seems to be the last thought or not even a thought in situations like this.

When I said this:

I wasn't implying that he was completely at fault, or that his mother was justified in feeling that way. What I meant was, if she doesn't want to except the apology, then it is out of his hands. He took the step to mend the relationship and now it is up to his mom to reciprocate, or not. 

The OP's post comes off as regretful and he seems ready and willing to fix this. Whatever the situation, he can either be the bigger MAN and apologize, or he can just leave things awkward till either they just act like nothing happened and go on with life or the relationship completely deteriorates. But either way, someone needs to make the first move. I think based on solely what was said in this post, it needs to be the OP. I'm willing to change my opinion if he is willing to elaborate on their entire relationship, but I won't respond based on a hypothetical relationship.

If that makes sense :) 

34 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

If the apology is insincere then it is better off unsaid, I agree.

I never said it fixed anything. It could fix absolutely nothing. My point is that people are constantly going back and forward doing and saying things to hurt one another or "one-up" the other person, but the word "SORRY" always seems to be the last thought or not even a thought in situations like this.

When I said this:

I wasn't implying that he was completely at fault, or that his mother was justified in feeling that way. What I meant was, if she doesn't want to except the apology, then it is out of his hands. He took the step to mend the relationship and now it is up to his mom to reciprocate, or not. 

The OP's post comes off as regretful and he seems ready and willing to fix this. Whatever the situation, he can either be the bigger MAN and apologize, or he can just leave things awkward till either they just act like nothing happened and go on with life or the relationship completely deteriorates. But either way, someone needs to make the first move. I think based on solely what was said in this post, it needs to be the OP. I'm willing to change my opinion if he is willing to elaborate on their entire relationship, but I won't respond based on a hypothetical relationship.

If that makes sense :) 

You are already responding to a hypothetical relationship when you imply that he should be the bigger MAN. That non sense keeps you stuck in duality and how things should be. 

No one is to blame and no one should be the man here to fix things. That doesn't mean he should not take this seriously and start to find out where all the problems comes from and who is responsible for them. 

If he has suppressed so much negativity that it transforms to violence than he is certainly motivated to fix this. He has to do it and he has to do it alone and he has no one to apologise to and no one to blame. 

🙏❤️

 

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1 hour ago, cirkussmile said:

You are already responding to a hypothetical relationship when you imply that he should be the bigger MAN. That non sense keeps you stuck in duality and how things should be. 

No one is to blame and no one should be the man here to fix things. That doesn't mean he should not take this seriously and start to find out where all the problems comes from and who is responsible for them. 

If he has suppressed so much negativity that it transforms to violence than he is certainly motivated to fix this. He has to do it and he has to do it alone and he has no one to apologise to and no one to blame. 

🙏❤️

 

Blame or not, hitting a woman is wrong and no matter what the woman said or did, it isn't deserved. For that I believe she is owed an apology and nothing else. Apologize, or don't. Not my decision to make.

But I'm not going to go back and forward on this anymore.

@Xin I wish you luck, peace and clarity in this moment. Do what you feel is right. What we say ultimately doesn't mean anything. It's your decision and I hope you can make the one you can be proud of :) 

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God this reminds me of my mom. 

Grr...... 

No fucking idea how to parent. At. Fucking. All. 

All my life I have to deal with being yelled at every single day. 

I'm not taking that shit no more. It's time to change. 

---

In times I approach the situation with mindfulness and consciousness, it's able to easily laugh it off and move on with my life. It's those times I get caught up in the arguments and the anger is when I lose my self to 3 hours of useless arguments. Being mindful helps a lot. 

My opinion having dealt with parents like that is that both people (parent and child) are neurotic. Your mom's neurosis turned you into a neurotic one. Neurosis breeds more neurosis. It's up to you to figure out how to be less neurotic here. 

When your mom goes ape shit, be mindful to your reaction. Because your reaction can change the rest of the situation. Be calm, mindful, and joke around. This works for me. Let your mom rant on and just pretend you're listening. In this scenario, I try to analyze what's occurring and why she's responding like that. This makes me have compassion for her because I can see her neurosis and unconsciousness. I can also see that this occurred because people treated her the same way growing up. Agree to whatever she says, and say I'm sorry, I just forgot but please stop yelling at me (in a genuinely kind manner). 

My mom will have some justification for yelling but eventually if you keep repeating that over time it might click.

The only thing you have control over is your response to her actions, so get responsible my man! 

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@Xin

Well here is what to do, stand in front of a mirror, Look at Yourself, and tell Yourself ( Idiot, Coward ) then hit Your face with the same hand that hit Your mother twice harder.

do not do that again.

Take some responsiblities in life, be a man, because it seems to Me that You are a spoiled kid ( This is a behaviour of coward spoiled kid )

 

Sorry but this is the truth, and I had to write it here. and I am serious about it ... >:(

 

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@Xin @thehero you guys should move out of the house as soon as you turn 18/as soon as possible. 

Your relationship with your parents would probably actually improve. 

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No matter what, there is no reason to use violence, i can understand sometimes under pressure we can't control our selves

She did that because she cares about you (I know sometimes parent especially mothers are so neurotic lol) 

Don't feel bad about it BUT Learn from this situation and apologize to your mom 

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