Narcissistic girlfriend/ silent treatment

[Amer]

Hello everyone,

Have you guys ever dealt with a narcissistic partner, received silent treatment and how did you deal with it? what is the best way?

 

Would really appreciate your responses/ insights.

[SFRL]

31 minutes ago, Amer said:

Hello everyone,

Have you guys ever dealt with a narcissistic partner, received silent treatment and how did you deal with it? what is the best way?

 

Would really appreciate your responses/ insights.

Yeah. Once I think. I think people should be careful throwing those labels around. But this one girl I think she really was. Also had to deal with a lot of silent treatment. That's the worst. I was told once by a psychologist that research had shown that happiness between couples is not determined by how much they fight, but how fast they make up. Which from what I have experienced is very true. Silent treatment is pretty much the opposite of that. So I think that is not going to work out for you. 

[TimStr]

@Amer

The deeper issue at play here is the ability of opening oneself up emotionally.

If your partner is giving you silent treatment and won't speak about your issues, it's most probably because she/he can't handle the emotions, that come with that. There might have been some past experience from witch she/he learned the habit of closing herself off from challanging emotions, to avoid paing. Ironically, this causes even more suffering.

I recommend, that you spend some time, developing an understanding of this issue, because some undestanding is crucial to develope traction on these topics. I can recommend the work of David Deida (The way of the superior man) and Brad Blanton (Radical Honesty). Read their books (ideally together with your partner) and follow their recommendation.

For right now to get started: If your partner shuts her-/himself off from you or reacts narcissistic in any way, the key thing for you to do is not reacting in the same emotionall cold way. Try to keep yourself open and compassionate. If your partner closes off, stay and be with that. Show her/him, that it's ok to experience the situation like it is. If you provide this secure and open space, your partner will learn, that it actually is ok, to stay open.

And just to say: Doing all this is extremely hard. Don't underestimate that. Expect to struggle with these issues. Emotional openness is a ability, with a rather steep and long learning curve. Don't expect it to work immediately, but most importantly: Don't get discouraged.

[Spiral]

@Amer Breaking up works, if it’s a pattern.

[Amer]

15 hours ago, SFRL said:

I think people should be careful throwing those labels around.

@SFRL Completely agree. It's such a sensitive and difficult trait. I just need to reflect and focus on myself for now and really avoid any contact.. My aim is to really end this peacefully and maturely, no grieving or pain for both of us,, while accepting the fact that that might not happen.

 

  

Edited April 30, 2018 by Amer

[Amer]

15 hours ago, TimStr said:

I recommend, that you spend some time, developing an understanding of this issue, because some undestanding is crucial to develope traction on these topics. I can recommend the work of David Deida (The way of the superior man) and Brad Blanton (Radical Honesty). Read their books (ideally together with your partner) and follow their recommendation.

For right now to get started: If your partner shuts her-/himself off from you or reacts narcissistic in any way, the key thing for you to do is not reacting in the same emotionall cold way. Try to keep yourself open and compassionate. If your partner closes off, stay and be with that. Show her/him, that it's ok to experience the situation like it is. If you provide this secure and open space, your partner will learn, that it actually is ok, to stay open.

thanks for the recommendations, will definitely try to find these book.

thing is, I am keeping myself open and compassionate, I do want to reach out to her and see if everything is Ok. I only have the fear of being face to face with a narcissistic egoistic response. that is what's keeping me confused. through out our relationship I always showed that its ok to open up emotionally, it won't bring you down or lower your value. but I think you really can't change someone if they don't want to change. Anyways I am trying to work my way through it, so lets see how it goes.. .

[Amer]

15 hours ago, Spiral said:

Breaking up works, if it’s a pattern.

@Spiral what does that mean ? 

[Charlotte]

@Amer  People usually withdraw and give the silent treatment as a form of control. Creates and atmosphere and draws attention to them (which she wants) don't give her that attention. Carry on as you where/are and completely ignore. Take your attention completely away from her when she does this. 

People usually continue with these type of tactics because they work (unconsciously or consciously) make them NOT WORK. 

[Amer]

@Charlotte I completely agree, and this is not the first time it happens. when it happened in the past I was trying to bring the person back to discuss.. but then I learned that there's something hugely disrespectful about it, and approaching them is like I am chasing after them or the side that is trying to fix an error in the relationship which i did not commit.

what is strange is it happened for no reason at all... the last discussion was all beautiful and affectionate, then all of a sudden I am getting a silent treatment. especially I am through some challenging phase in life, which I never made her feel any burden about.

thank you for your response. Now just keeping myself busy with other things, it is not easy but the best solutions aren't always easy ones.

[Paulus Amadeus]

@Amer dump her! How people are in relationships like this is just beyond me. So much better to be single than in this situation. It's really really simple. Dump her!!!!!

[Amer]

@Paulus Amadeus hahaha. man I hear you.. this might be the 100% best solution but somethings aren't as easy as being said. I am currently considering that, and it's hard just the thought of it. so lets see.

[Charlotte]

@Amer Your welcome brother. You'll never ever be able to change a person's behaviour (not saying your trying to just pointing something out) so I wouldn't even waste my time exploring why she's doing it in certain situations. Up to her to point the finger back at herself and explore why she's doing it (if she wants the relationship to work). All you have to do is protect yourself from any psychological harm. 

Approaching her is EXACTLY what she wants. Don't do it (I think your realising this). 

Google 'stonewalling' should give you some insights to the behaviour. 

Yes carry on keeping yourself busy, take the attention away from her, also look up emotional attachment/detachment, I feel this could help. If it continues, I know it isn't easy but to protect yourself, consider leaving. This is emotional abuse and I'm sure there will be other areas in your relationship where this behaviour will appear. 

Fyi, it will be super super challenging to ever self actualise being with a person who portrays the behaviours you've mentioned.

Maybe do some research on emotional abusive relationships, this could bring awareness to you. 

Let me know how you get on .

[Matt8800]

You wont change her. Get a new gf and you'll be glad you did

[Charlotte]

Also that ?

[Amer]

46 minutes ago, Charlotte said:

Your welcome brother. You'll never ever be able to change a person's behaviour (not saying your trying to just pointing something out) so I wouldn't even waste my time exploring why she's doing it in certain situations. Up to her to point the finger back at herself and explore why she's doing it (if she wants the relationship to work). All you have to do is protect yourself from any psychological harm. 

Approaching her is EXACTLY what she wants. Don't do it (I think your realising this). 

Google 'stonewalling' should give you some insights to the behaviour. 

Yes carry on keeping yourself busy, take the attention away from her, also look up emotional attachment/detachment, I feel this could help. If it continues, I know it isn't easy but to protect yourself, consider leaving. This is emotional abuse and I'm sure there will be other areas in your relationship where this behaviour will appear. 

Fyi, it will be super super challenging to ever self actualise being with a person who portrays the behaviours you've mentioned.

Maybe do some research on emotional abusive relationships, this could bring awareness to you. 

Let me know how you get on .

@Charlotte Yes indeed, keeping myself real busy with important stuff and just focusing on myself. Yes the wave comes sometimes (wave of sadness or doubting myself that maybe I did something wrong) but no, really keeping myself together and believing that I did nothing wrong, cause I really didn't. hmm maybe this is an area in my personality that is improving in the journey of self actualization? I hope.. 

I was reading about types of relationships and attachment types. I am really learning a lot and able to spot in which area I am and how I could be better to have better and happier relationships in the future.

will def let you know how I get on

[Toby]

Run.

[SFRL]

@Amer it got you all fucked up. 

You got to end the relationship, or she eventually will. 

There are tons of good options out there for you. 

 

Edited April 30, 2018 by SFRL

[Amer]

@Matt8800 yes sir!

@Toby hahahahaha

Man I wish I was on this forum way earlier then now loll. but all good! thank you guys really appreciate your feedbacks and insights.

[Michael569]

the silent treatment is a way of "feeling sorry" for oneself and playing the "ill person's game"

As children we learned that the times received full attention of everyone were times we got ill. We would receive our parent's 100% treatment, love and it was very comfortable. 

As grownups many continue this habit by playing victim, crying for completely useless things, pouting and giving people silent treatments. This gives us a certain power over the other person and lets us manipulate them emotionally to do our bidding whenever a disagreement appears by making them feel that they hurt our feelings or made us very sad and dissapointed. 

This is a tool of the devil and you must absolutely not allow its tentacles to grasp you. Do not play the "mr nice guy" or "sorry baby it is my fault". I am not exactly sure what is the best way to tackle this but I'd say act normally. Playign this game requires a lot of emotional feedback to continue, if you don't provide it, it will stop "being fun." 

As others already said above, if this is a common thing, consider terminating this relationship. 

 

[Charlotte]

2 hours ago, Amer said:

Yes indeed, keeping myself real busy with important stuff and just focusing on myself. Yes the wave comes sometimes (wave of sadness or doubting myself that maybe I did something wrong) but no, really keeping myself together and believing that I did nothing wrong, cause I really didn't. hmm maybe this is an area in my personality that is improving in the journey of self actualization? I hope.. 

I was reading about types of relationships and attachment types. I am really learning a lot and able to spot in which area I am and how I could be better to have better and happier relationships in the future.

will def let you know how I get on

The wave shouldn't come at all ? that's her behaviour having psychological effects on you as I've mentioned. Are you the type of person to be quite passive? Naive?

In all honesty I'd say leave this relationship. She seems toxic ?.