Yep. I finally got it. Painful awakening, need help asap again.

[Elisabeth]

12 hours ago, Nadosa said:

I really dont know. Ive always observed awakening from a distance, never really wanted to dedicate myself to it, just benefit from the standard teachings in buddhism. But this time, I was thrown right into it, I literally feel like my Ego has been dying for the last months and my perception of time is more than unreal and warped, feeling like I cant exist in it anymore. That is how I interpret my feelings. 

So you see where I stand: a point where I neither want to trust the western medical culture, nor really the eastern philosophy. I cant dedicate to anything really.  Both options are connected to fear. I know going down the awakening path will awaken me 100%, but do I really want to do that? I dont feel like that at all. I dont want to be a hardcore advocate. Because that'd be a very lonely path especially in my country.

I'm also keeping my distance from enlightenment work. I have no idea about awakenings. 

From my (low) standpoint I have no damn idea if what you're going through is one, or if it's some other kind of psychological issue where you fool yourself into thinking that you suffer because of an "ego death". I'm not distrusting you, but I really have no way to tell, and I don't know if you youself have a way to tell. And maybe it's both awakening and "illness". That's one reason why I'm trying to direct you to local help. Someone who can help you recognize and name your issues and decide on the course of action would be incredible. 

The other reason I'm trying to point you to real life people is that you sound extremely lonely. That is very common and understandable with any kind of issues. But human company, someone offering real presence and understanding, is one of the most effective and valuable healing tools. Any suffering is much more bearable if you're not alone in it, and not being alone in and of itself starts healing old trauma.

Do you feel that presence and understanding from your therapist? 

The third reason is that it is likely that there are people even in your city who have been through a similar experience, or someone who is able and willing to just be with you and your process. People who can help in "alternative" ways will often not be very public about it. 

Exactly because you (and I) distrust both the medical path and hardcore spirituality, I suggest therapists. Or people who also have one foot in the west, one foot in the east. They are least likely to present their way as the only one possible. Also because you don't trust structures, I suggest you trust people. Like not blindly trust, but if you find someone who had a similar experience and overcame it, wouldn't you gladly accept some guidance? 

I don't think Germany is any worse off in terms of advanced spiritual people than the rest of the western world. They are rare everywhere. You have Eckhart Tolle ;), and surely not only him. Where are you from exactly? 

I hope your therapist can help you too, although he doesn't know that much about awakening.

Edited May 21, 2018 by Elisabeth