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Sami

Compromise Fear? Emotional Blockage? Dumbness?

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Hi there! I hope you can forgive my english, I do my best hehe!

Well, I has been having a rough time lately and I'm trying to learn what is going on so I can know myself better from it, I hope you can give me differents points of view about it.

Im 21, and I have a long distance relationship since 3 years ago. When we started I thought that the best option was to move to his country when I was done studying (it will take 3 years) so soon I willl move there, most probably in summer, but now im going to travel there for a practice scolarship and I will stay 2 months.

The thing is that I saw him again in December couse he visit my country for first time, everything was nice until he left and he started to be really cold when we talked on skype. I explained him that I was scared to move there couse Im still living with my parents and I dont feel quite ready but I was willing to do my best, his answer to that was always get a annoyed couse 'I always overthink and I have to stop having fear'', I didnt felt too much understood or supported, and I always end up saying that was better to talk about something else. I didnt want him to grieve with me, but it seems that he dosnt understand how difficult this step will be for me, leaving my family, friends and culture behind.

A month ago, I faced him and explain him that I was upset couse he was behaving so cold and it felt like I had no boyfriend at all, he said that he was just ''killing the time'' until i was there and I said that I still needed at least moral support from him. During this conversation, he said that he understood, but that 'its no point to give up on the relationship now that you are here in a month'. After he said that , I physically felt something in the chest, it was a sensation like if something turned off, or something was umplugged. After that moment, I was the one that turned cold and decided to have fun until I had to go. He tried to approach to me the next days but I cant get closer for some reason, I dont feel anything about him, the thought of breaking up dosnt affect me and Im realising a lot of bad things that has happened this years with him and I didnt even thought they was wrong (jealousy from him, a little bit of emotional manipulation etc etc).

Some days after it happened, I meet a guy outside and we started to talk online and meeting and we become friends. He suffers from anxiety as me (or worse, I would say) and we talked for hours about it, he understood and adviced me, a night that I couldnt sleep couse I was too anxious he was just there talking to me online and distracting me until I got better and finally could fall sleep. We really connect with each other though, we has been meeting (only both of us and with other people too) and we have fun togheter. Lately I started to feel atracted in a romantic way (before I just find him cute, that was it) to that guy and yesterday we had a conversation about how we felt, saying that we both know that we feel attraction to each other but we know that its not right to do anything, he said that he respects that I have a boyfriend and he will not try to do anything, and that I should go and try to resolve things with him couse it will make me happy and he just want me to be all right. Obviously Im not going to cheat on my boyfriend by having something with that guy, but the feelings are just building up and even if I tried to stop them I cant, I feel really shitty about it, and also dumb, since I will travel in some days and expend 2 months with my boyfriend.

Im not sure why is this happening. Is it an emotional blockage? is it fear to compromise and to take such a big step as moving to another country? I feel really confused, shitty and really bad for my boyfriend. He is a good boy and I truly want him to be happy, and im worried that he will not be happy by beeing with me becouse we love each other in different ways, and it was this way from the beginning, even if I tried to ignore this fact. I asked a coulpe of confidents and they tell me that I should travel and see if I keep feeling this way. I think its the best option since im scared of taking a decition from fear or blockage and fuck up everything.

I hope you can tell me what you think about it, it really bothers me and I feel better when someone advices me or give me other points of view...

Thank you.

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