165 Days Before College

[Everyday]

hey

 

one of the guys from HS asked me when the BBQ will be =)))) i told him i am busy to study for that exam and that i will postpone it. So they ditch me before my b-day, refuse to make a bbq same week ad now they want one? ahahhahahaha

I am low on money, i have to pay for the BBQ with my family as well. Not going to jump into more spending. I also need to cook smth for this week. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 5, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hey

 

wasted whole day. watched tv movie recaps on YT. fapping too. 

 

 

 

Meditated and did 100 abs exercises.

fasted until 19.00. 

 

 

 

tomorrow is that BBQ with family.  i have to be home at 17 to prepare everything

 

some of the foreigners i hanged out yesterday went to take a trip in the mountains this weekend. i refused mainly because i couldn't afford it.

 

 

 

my sister found a place to stay in italy

 

excited to work out tomorrow. i want to do some pull ups 

 

i missed some meditation and abs days again

 

took a warm shower when i was away this week. took a cold one, a medium one, and one almost very cold. i decided not to quit just because of inconsistency. 2 years ago i gave up after taking a warm shower once.

 

 

i made some progress in some areas. none in other areas. 

 

 

i was pondering moving back home to save money. i cant afford to do all i want to do over here. it helps me meet new ppl and so on but is too expensive for me.

 

Edited September 4, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

big smoothie in the morning

 

didnt hang out with ppl at the house to study instead. 

i did 5 sets of 10 pushups each. different types. 

100 abs

10 squats

 

was ok at work. i made some stupid mistake last week. i changed it now. 

received my salary. they forgot to send it to me. 

at lunch at work i ate some of the meat i made at the BBQ yesterday. 

 

i wear my new watch my family got me at work. felt good. didnt even know how to set the time. learned from yt. learned that at 23. jesus. 

 

 

 

got some food and cooked. ate some sweets and watched last episodes of rick and morty. while i was cooking a flatmate asked me how i see myself at 32. i acted normal but wanted to run away... how do i see myself? better than now hopefully.... i would hate to wake up again with same problems i have now.

 

i almost felt like crying at work thinking how stupid and behind in life i am. can you even imagine there are ppl at 19-20 who drive more than me?! how stupid am i at 23 to still struggle at this. that is nuts. same for sex and relationships. ppl years younger than me are crushing it. look at me! i am a fucking mess! im pathetic.

there is a 17 year old kid at my job working part-time at seo who wears shirts each day. and here i am at 23 and i owe only a few. dont even feel ok to wear them.

 

what am i doing? i moved twice this year for a whim. here i am not even affording to join my flatmates more often. i survive here, more than living. i spent money or rent for what? i still suck at driving! i am living next year. what is the plan to suck at driving even then? i can say i lived in different places but who cares? i still cant drive. 

i am turning 24 next year and then 25. that's it. in a while i will be 30 and that's it. i will have to achieve even more. more more more. and i cant even drive well at 23! jesus! 

 

when i went to the aqua park with my flatmates i saw a guy around 18 who was ripped. that guy! younger than me! Why am i not him ? look at you at 23 and re-starting to work out recently.... pathetic. 

 

 

 

what am i waiting for/?

i am 23 and have most of the problems i had at 19. i am ashamed of what i have not achieved. is nothing. i wasted time. moving in a house to pay rent in the same city i live =))))))) what the fuck? 3 months of living away and i am still not driving much much better and so on. i am a fucking child. a man child. i am a mess. 

couldnt even hold a relationship. acted like a child. 

took me years just to do driving school. 

years just to ask some girl out. 

 

 

can you believe i did 8 years of french in HS and still cant speak it ???????!!!!! w t f ?????? i could have paid more attention. returned 2 years from nl and stopped learning dutch. wtf. 

last year around this time i was so miserable, working for my family and doing nothing else much. trying to maintain a failing relationship....

 

 

 

 

how could i sit on my ass for so long? i feel i am going crazy. how could i be so lazy? i am going insane when i think i am already 23 and i dont have the life i want .

 

 

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

hey

 

colleagues at work complimented me for eating healthy. i wanted to tell them i literally ate sweets a night before. i was surprised how they see me. lol. they also think i started going to the gym because i use a gym bag when i go to the massage course. lol. 

 

felt stupid at work. did some more headlines and descriptions for an account. same work as yesterday. my colleagues have more accounts and calls with their clients. not me... they must think i suck at my work. 

 

the mock exam at the massage course was ok. i need to study more. i knew this already. feeling like fraud for not studying more. not practicing more. 

 

 

 

 

felt some more like shit. missed having a gf today in particular. wrote down again what i felt and thought and i got tired. same shit all the time. blah blah blah. 

 

 

 

what are my goals for the 23rd year of my miserable life? hmm. last year i wished to get driver id, fix my work ethic and keep ex relationship. i got driver id and got a job and so on. dont have the last one but is ok. i think is a big win i re-started to work out and the massage course and also BJJ. 

this year i want to get sex, drive to the mountains and to work alone, buy some better clothes and work out at least once a week. that is overall. all of this goals are a big thing for me. 

 

 

what else? i went out with my colleagues from work for a break. they started speaking how they are trying to quit smoking and all the tactics they used so far. wow. i dont smoke! i dont have to deal with that. i found it funny that i dont even know the cigarette brands they talked about lol. 

 

 

 

 

next week is my mom's b-day. 52-53

next monday i start the second module of the massage course. it will be 3 times a week for 14 weeks? i think she meant 7 actually. 

 

starting uni at the end of the month. not happy about that shit. i worry to skipp work constantly to go there. my 3rd year wow.

 

 

 

 

 

i think this summer was the best i had so far. didnt think so a few weeks ago. overall, i grew a lot and i was productive despite some shortcomings. in the end i have done more than i even thought i want to do. or that i will do. it was a good summer in the end. yes, it could have been better but i still pushed myself. i will remember this summer. moved out twice, reconciled with high school friends, a few trips, 1st time in a hostel, making new memories, the massage course, working out, cooking and so on. wasnt that bad in the end even if i couldnt stop complaining. 

i didnt imagine i will start a massage course this year, that i will move twice, that i will drive more, that i will stay in a hostel and meet new ppl, that i saw new ways to live, that i started again to work out, that i got this ppc job, that i had a more beautiful garden than last year, that cooked weekly now, that i am making smoothies in the morning and fasting. cool man. 

also finished 2nd year of uni. 

[Everyday]

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

wear a shirt again at work. felt good.

 

blah blah

one of bosses asked us what some shopping setting on Google ads and i didnt know. fuck. i should learn this shit. 

i made more ads all day long. pff. still didnt finish. moved in my seat, my back hurt and so on. bought some stuff from the store during break. i have more fruits for smoothies now. 

 

ate food i prepared in the morning. had another smoothie in the morning. ate the leftover bananas from monday. 

 

 

took another way to home. arrived and ate shit food and sweets and lay in bed in pain watching movie recaps. fapped. pff. i should learn but dont think i will pass the exam tomorrow morning. i should have learned... i am stupid. fuck.... 

 

Edited September 8, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

heya' 

 

i should have studied more blah blah. 

passed the written one with 7,5 and im waiting for the second one. 

The second exam, the massage part was ok, but i ran out of time for the end moves. fuck that.

 

 

[Everyday]

3 hours ago, Everyday said:

passed the written one with 7,5 and im waiting for the second one. 

i got 9.50 for the massage

 

final grade 8,50

 

 

 

next time i will study in advance. i should have done better. 

[Everyday]

hey

 

slept a lot, worked one hour

 

at 17:30 went to a park nearby to run with my colleagues from work. It was the 1st time i actually run. Meant to start for years. 

felt quite good to be honest. just me and another girl could keep up with my boss. the others, to my shock were struggling to keep up with us. it was hard for me too but kept pushing. walking a lot helped me tremendously. 

 

he said we are doing this next week as well. i am excited. going to run again. i want to do it once a week.

 

 

 

 

 

i feel inspired to work more on myself. i didnt achieve anything from giving up and eating sweets. just wasted and and felt worse.

i thought to move back home in order to have more money. i use them for better things than rent. i can invest them in myself. i got some lessons living here but is time to put them in practice, like traveling for example.

[Everyday]

hey

 

went to the kitchen and some flatmates spoke in spanish for practice. felt bad i cant join them. 

i had an idea. i can move in this house each summer to meet new ppl and have fun and move back afterwards. i will think about it.

[Everyday]

heyaaa

 

Couldnt sleep last night. watch yt videos of movie recaps and made anki flashcards for hours for dutch. havent added new ones in years. i like to do it. i was just lazy. what a time wasted. watched movies instead of this. pff.

smoothie in the morning. more flashcards. no work:( at least i am productive

 

 

Just my thighs are sore from running yesterday.

 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

 

 

Went fishing on Saturday with my sister's friends. Drove on the way there. I was very stressed and verbally aggressive. Didn't vibe with them like i didn't last year. We caught 2 big ones and 2 small ones. One of them was a 10 kg carp. 

Most of the ppl there where younger than me but kept talking about their thousands of km done so far.  I was envious af. One of them had his licence for just a year and a half but already went to Greece by car. 

My brother's GF made a scene because my sis forgot to buy chips lol.

My sister told me 2 of the girls there are single. I laughed and said so? what to do with them anyways? They are the types of girls who want to wait until marriage for sex. My sister was shocked i said such a thing. She told me is wrong to want a relationship for sex. Anyways the girls where meh and didnt even bother to talk to them.

 

 

Got a new haircut on Friday and received lots of compliments. I have the haircut i wanted since i was in high school but that lady didn't know how to cut my hair properly. lol. The hairdresser i have been going last few years is awesome. She thought me how to use wax for my hair and so on. I was doing all wrong. 

 

 

 

One of the ppl from high school asked me if i wanna go to the mountains this weekend.  I sad no lol. he got pissed. I dont have much money and definitely not getting in debt for you.

 

 

Told family i was thinking to move back home in November to have more money to travel. They said i told you blah blah. And some jokes like they already rented my room lol ahahah. Same old insults between them and so on. Nothing new. 

My family criticised me for swearing and speaking bad words all the time =))) Thats true

 

 

 

 

 

 

Declined several invitation last few weeks because i cant afford to pay. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woke up today at 9 cuz i had problems falling asleep. Did around 130 abs and some pull-ups afterward. felt amazing. 

 

I put a bunch of my herbs in the attic to dry. Took me a few hours with breaks in between. 

Harvested my carrots from garden for 1st time. Planted them too close to each other and they look like they suffer from down syndrome =))))))))))) 

 

 

Brewed Kombucha with unprocessed sugar. It turned out to be super tasty. I was impressed. 

 

I was thinking what to do for NYE. Maybe i will stay home and do nothing. Dont want to go with HS friends. Dont feel like going to a club either. I thought to go to Amsterdam but not sure. 

 

 

 

 

And i felt some shit feelings as usually last few days. Nothing new. Same old self pity and hatred. Waiting for life to change and shit alike. Some shoulds here and there. Lots of negative thinking. Wasting time and not feeling like doing shit. 

Around 20:00 i just wanted to be over with this day. Another week passed. Made some progress in some areas and none in others. Drove and exercised again. Cooking and walking. I felt bad for not using allll my time productive. Still waiting for smth to change from the universe. blah blah.

I will be done with this week in no time again. Another day, week and year.

 

I am excited to work out again and run in the park. 

Edited September 12, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

My colleagues from PPC received new accounts because they trust them. I received smth easier instead. They dont trust me at work. Of course, because i have no idea what i am doing. I feel like there is a big conflict coming later this year. When i will get another account, full responsibility and i will have no idea what to do with it. They will be like you've been here more than half a year wtf?

 

 

What else? Second module of the massage course started and i got super bored of the introduction phase. We are double the ppl from last course and is fucking packed. I find reflexology interesting at 1st glance but i wanted to practice man.

 

 

Remembered that when i am spending time watch tv series after work instead of reading i am pouring down the drain my time and potential. I know, is easy to eat crap and complain. Hard to do smth about it. 

 

 

I didnt feel the best yesterday. Tried to focus on the positive but kept thinking of the wasted years i have so far, fragments of where i need to be, fragments of goals and so on. I dont believe i can make it. Is hard to work on myself. I know but i find myself complaining very often.

 

Feeling sore after the pull ups from Sunday. That is good. I did abs as well. I noticed around 130 i get sore. 

 

Dont remember if i fasted last week.

Still have same food as last week. I got tired of it.

 

[Everyday]

Hey

Difficulty falling asleep. 

Refused to spend money on shit food. Congrats.

 

Finished what i was working on for weeks. 378 of rows with draft H1, H2 and Descriptions for different machinery. 

I ate lots of fruits at work and nuts. Kept feeling hungry. Fasted until noon. It was hard today.

 

 

 

My friend from uni called me drunk but didnt pick-up. He is going to tell me i am wasting me time and i need to get laid, that i wont be young forever. He is telling me this all the time while drunk. It hurts knowing how many problems i have in this area and how i feel stuck. 

 

 

I didnt want to hang out with the other ppl at the house. I didnt feel good enough to.... I need to go home and do this and that and grow. What is the point right now?

 

 

Waiting to move back home to drive more and shit. Blah blah. 

 

 

I was bored at work after finishing my tasks. Didnt know what to do more. 

 

 

Plans for NYE? Maybe save money and use them for some long term payments instead of going abroad or with my HS friends. Wasnt even invited lol ahaha. 

 

 

 

Going to massage tomorrow night. Thursday to run. Afterwards home for my mom's b-day. 

 

Received congratulations for my cooking from a flatmate and colleagues at work. Also, for running. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had a big insight today. That maybe all my comparisons are stupid since i am the one making them. A church boy would be proud for not sleeping around. He wouldn't see it as a bad thing.

Anyhow, felt bad today. Worse than last few days. Used reason to make it go away. Worked for some time until it returned.....

Hard to be content with my life at the moment even if i am quite ok overall. But i struggle to be happy more often. Left and right i see all i want to become and not yet achieved. 

 

 

 

I find myself wanting to pass time somehow. Passing the present moment to some exciting shit in the future. Dreams. The person i should have been by now. The one i need to become blah blah. I feel old and stupid.

 

 

 

 

I thought of next year's internship and reasons why i should take it. Also, reasons to accept the 5 months study programme afterwards in NL. 

 

 

 

 

 

Told the house owners i wanna move out to travel more. They told me is cool. I felt stupid moving in with not much money on a whim. It was stupid even if it did help me with some stuff. Feels cringe that i moved when i could have used money in better ways. It was a rush decision. 

 

Edited September 14, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Skipped meditation last two days. Skipped one day of ab exercises.

Fapped a looooooooot last few days.

 

Was tired at work. Having problems going to sleep. Bought some sandwiches at work because i was super hungry. 

Massage course was interesting. Second lesson last night. Afterwards played a board game and smoked weed with my flatmates. I was extremely high and lasted for hours and hours. I couldnt focus properly and afterwards bought lots of sweets and passed out in pain. 

Woke up and decided to not go to work. Ate the remaining sweets and laid in bed exhausted again. Fapped some more. 

 

 

Bought some fried crickets to eat with my friends from HS. Invited them over to smoke and eat tomorrow night.

 

Waiting to run in the park later today. I am still sore from Sunday workout lol. 

It's also my mom's b-day. Going home 2night.

 

I will do some work and go to buy some wax for my hair. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Observed old cutting scars on a work colleague's arm. Didn't expect that from her.

 

 

Made a smoothie and spoke a lil with some flatmates. Left to buy that wax and get that insect package. Super hot outside. Fuck waiting for the tram i walked back home.

 

Not much of work done.

 

 

 

Btw, did i tell you about the 24 year old girl from the massage course? Her kid has fucking 8 years old WTF??!!??? Her husband is 9 years older than her. The other women at the course said she has achieved a lot with her life. Didn't have the same opinion but didn't voice it either. 

She is working at a Supermarket. 16h shifts and such for less money than i earn. She only talks about her kid.

Edited September 16, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]

What's the worst thing that never happened to you? 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

Woke up tired as fuck. Got dressed and left home from my parents.

Arrived, fapped and fell asleep.

Just a little bit of work and the rest just tv series

 

Smoothie at lunch because i ate pizza yesterday with my family. I got annoyed with my sister complaining how tired she is. Tired of doing what? Lol. 

Anyways, mom was happy i came over for her b-day. My father insulted her and treated her like shit. Like all the time. They were already arguing when i arrived. 

 

Cleaned my room and rolled a joint. Is the first i roll in two or three years. I used only weed. Me and my HS friends used to only smoke combined with tobacco because it lasted longer and was cheaper. 

 

What else? Not much. Feel like shit for wasting away the day. I am adding some words in dutch now to anki.

 

 

 

 

 

[Everyday]

Hey

 

My friends left at 2 am last night and i only got a few hours of sleep. We played board games with some other guy from this house and smoked weed. One of them couldn't join last night because his GF would get mad =)))))))))) He can never join us in the weekend because of her but Friday nights are a new level haahaha.

One of them was speaking with some girl he met online and wasnt even paying attention to us at some point. He was very high and started sending her a ton of pics with us and himself. I laughed a lot.

 

I realised again i am avoiding pain and conflict like hell. 

 

Returned from my one day trip. It was fun overall and pushed myself more. Blah blah.

 

There was a situation i should have stood up for myself but i didnt. Felt like shit. Fuck taxi drivers man.

Edited September 18, 2021 by Everyday

[Everyday]