Once again - very bad family situation

[Nadosa]

Hey,

I'd like to vent a bit. I am 19, probably a bit bipolar, mood swings, depressed, graduated last year. Since November 2017 Ive been struggling to find my way of life and purpose, Ive lived my life in mind, which was terrible. My mind took overhand and still does.

Now the current situtation is very very hard for me and causes me suffering. 

My mum pressures me to find asap a job, the right way for my life etc. Shes taken intense pressure on me and herself, because my brother has already failed pretty much in his life and my mum doesnt want me to end like him. So I can understand her! But things got out of hand (on a mum-son relationship level), she told me: What have I born? And that she is ashamed of her sons because they havent achieved anything yet (19 and 21), shes embarrassed to talk about us in front of her friends, and she is suffering mentally so badly because of it that she told my family what terrible, horrible sons we are.

So yesterday I received a massage by my grandma telling me: take your shitty things and piss off and dont destroy the life of my daughter! God have mercy on our daughter who will be terribly ill because of you!

And then I listened to a phone call between my mum and grandma, where my mum said: I cant deal with this, living like there are no responsibilites (describing us two), if it hadnt been for my husband, I would have already killed myself.

Uff. That was is it. I didnt notice that Ive been such a bad son. I mean, I am suffering mental illness, my friends dont have a job either. But my mum is so totally focused on this career thing and that her sons should go the traditional life path, that shes suffering like hell. 

Then I told her, Id like to move out with my brother that she could heal from whatever shes suffering from atm. But she doesnt allow to live with him. Because he is apparently such a bad influence.

I told her, that it is probably not our fault that she is suffering. She felt hurt and blamed. Turned into a fight. All I know is that she developped unbelivably toxic mind patterns because of the apparent failure of my brother and projects it on me.

I really need a secure home at the moment, with support etc. because of my mental problems. But it is all falling apart. I have a job interview soon, work occasionally, but it is not enough.

PLEASE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. YOU CANT TALK WITH HER. ITS IMPOSSIBLE. SHES ALREADY SUFFERING PHYSICALLY BECAUSE OF IT. THIS FAMILY SITUATION CAUSED ME TO DEPERSONALIZE LAST YEAR. 

Edited April 12, 2018 by Nadosa

[Random-Hero95]

Firstly, does your mum know about your mental illness? I mean, I was depressed and suffered from panic attacks for years. My parents never knew. There were times where I'd lash out at them or be rude to them just out of mood rather than intent. I kept telling myself they would understand. 

Years on, I finally realised that I should have been honest from the start, making our relationship a lot more transparent and clearing the air. Once I did, they were very welcoming and looked at me lighter than before. It's a hard conversation, because they don't experience it, but once you really try your best to emphasise the message, it'll stick. So I advise you do so, if you haven't already. 

Secondly, I don't think your mum is trying to push you to succeed for validation, it seems that she genuinely cares how you'll turn out. I wouldn't take what she says as her true feelings, as it seems like she's just projecting her concerns through emotional tantrums. Yes, her words are harsh, but like you said, she's mentally suffering too. 

I wouldn't advise you live with your brother either, she's right in that department. 

Look, if your brother really is a fuck up, you have these issues, and so does she, this is what I'd do. 

• Seek a counsellor, a friend, a mentor, a previous teacher, or someone you can talk to, to understand your mental illnesses and hopefully start some rehab. 
• Have that conversation with your mum, and let her know what's been going on. Sit her down, and be open and concise. 
• Stick with your mum, and show her you're trying. Abandoning her with a negative sentiment will hurt in the long term. I know it's hard given she has your Grandma in her ear the whole time, but I'd stick around to show her you're doing your best. 
• Keep pursuing a job, and doing your best to get your career started. If you fail interviews, keep applying and don't give up. Do it more for yourself than for your mother though. I.e, don't settle for a role you're not content with for the long term. 

There's only so much you can do in this situation. She's definitely in the wrong for the way she's been treating you, don't get me wrong, but you have to mend yourself first, and then the relationship between you. From experience, it's the only way things will get better. Do not make any rash decisions that'll have a long term impact. Broken families are the worst. 

Keep me posted on your situation.