He pushed me into the wall, am I overreacting?

[solr]

This weekend my boyfriend got angry with me, because we had been at a birthday party and I avoided him the whole time. I avoided him because he and his friends talked about porn, I didnt want to listen to it so I would rather sit and talk with other people. I have jealousy issues so I knew this was my problem , but it felt really bad and I did not want to talk about it with him at a party.

When we got home he was angry with me for not spending any time with him at the party, and asked me why. I felt embarrassed about the reason why, but I told him and he got very mad. He started yelling at me, telling me to grow up and so on. I asked him three or four times if he could lower his voice and he did not listen. Then he told me to get my shit together and leave. I got up from the bed and collected my things so I could leave. Then he started following me around, he was still yelling. I did not respond or look at him, I get very uncomfortable around angry people, especially men. I understand it must feel very frustrating for him when I don't even respond or look at him while he is angry, he wants a reaction from me. Anyways he proceeded to grab my shoulders and push me into the wall. At this point I got very scared and started crying. He continued to hold me for about 3 or 4 minutes. When my crying eased up he said "you're not even crying" and "i would rather be pushed into a wall instead of the psychological stuff you pull on me". I started crying even more and was very uncomfortable. Then he backed away and got me some water and told me he was sorry. 

I was sexually abused when I was a child, and last year I was raped in the middle of the day while walking in the city. He knows this. When a man yells at me or puts his hands on me or get angry with me I have an immidiate panic responce. It's just fight/flight, game over. He has pushed me into the wall once before when he was sober, and he promised he would never do that to me again.

I'm not sure if I am overreacting because of my background. I did not treat him right when I was avoiding him for a whole night because of my silly jealousy issues. I have broken up with him once before, so I know he must have felt very scared for me leaving the relationship again. I also know I'm very avoidant in conflict related situations, which can be hard for others to deal with. It did not hurt when he pushed me into the wall and I know he never would have done anything to physically hurt me.

Is this ok?

Edited April 9, 2018 by solr

[Elisabeth]

No, it's really not. I repeat. Your boyfriend yelling at you for minutes in a row is just not ok. Pushing you against the wall is just the continuation of that disrespectful behavior. Leave, get more healthy yourself, and seek a healthier partner. 

Mind you, I'm not saying your bf is a bad person. He must be suffering with abandonment issues. Your relationship dynamics sounds really unhealthy. For the both of you. You have a value mismatch (porn), and you have psychological issues which exaggerate each other. With the behavior you do to protect yourself (ignoring him when he does something that's threatening to you), you push his buttons of feeling abandoned. Both you and him have an awful lot of work to do. Just leave!  It's not your job to cure him, that's his job. It's your job to look after your own well being. 

Realize how you have stayed at the party for his sake, although you didn't like the environment there, and then got punished for it. What kept you from going home and watching a movie you like? 

There are plenty of men, who would accept your reasons for not participating in their guy-talk, or even just not engage in the topic because they know it makes you uncomfortable. 

Just leave. If you can't just leave, which is entirely possible since dysfunctional relationships still feed needs within us, just notice the dysfunction. 

Either way, seek professional help. You need to get healthier so that your fear of male aggression is not paralyzing to you. You need to learn to respect yourself enough to speak up in an assertive way when you feel uncomfortable. 

Watch some of Teal Swans relationship videos (maybe this one? she's got many of them, I don't know, which would be beneficial), if they appeal, but don't let it be a replacement for actually working on your particular issues with a therapist.

You have worth, dignity, and value. Please look after yourself.

Edited April 9, 2018 by Elisabeth

[solr]

@Elisabeth Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. 

[Key Elements]

@solr The way you described him, he doesn't sound mature enough and developed enough for a relationship. It takes a certain level of development and responsibility to have a healthy relationship. 

[Charlotte]

47 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

@solr The way you described him, he doesn't sound mature enough and developed enough for a relationship. It takes a certain level of development and responsibility to have a healthy relationship. 

+1

Short answer, leave, before it turns even more physical! Yelling at you is already a sign of abuse even before the physical violence! Your not responsible for his anger/emotions. If you don't want to respond to him/look at him when he's yelling, don't. He is responsible for his reactions. 

Talking about porn? Oh jeez ? interesting topic ?.

3 hours ago, solr said:

I was sexually abused when I was a child, and last year I was raped in the middle of the day while walking in the city. He knows this.

Also, he has zero respect for you. I'm so sorry you went through that ? ♥️

[phoenix666]

you're not overreacting. never feel guilty for your emotions and reactions. they're here for a reason. <3 

I wish you all the best! <3

[Phrae]

Leave. You're gonna fuck yourself over if you don't.

If he doesn't apologize by himself or say that he went to degrees that he shouldn't have gone to and that he won't ever do that again you should leave.

And it's going to be hard trusting him. Unless you really really like him/ like what he does, what life is gonna be like with him then it's not worth giving him a chance even.

Edited April 9, 2018 by Phrae

[YaNanNallari]

Not a healthy relationship, you're being kind to yourself by leaving.

[Kisame]

To be blunt, both of you are too fucked up to be in a relationship. He's obviously a tool whom you should have cut from your life long ago, but the fact that this wasn't obvious to you says nothing good about your headspace.

A good relationship consists of two people who have their shit together getting together and creating something greater than the sum of their parts.

A bad relationship consists of two emotionally crippled people codependently leaning on each other for support, with the desperate hope that the other can compensate for their own faults, but ultimately all they do is mutually drag each other down. 

You don't need me to tell you which category you fall into. Walk away from this douche and work on yourself.