Ben's Journal - Day to day

[BMKemp]

Context:

Ben

24

UK

Sabbatical - previously in finance

Depression

 

Documenting my thoughts and feelings. This won't come from a place of will power, more so from a place of a desire to heal and to express my journal of every day thoughts and feelings.

 

Please feel free to comment.

 

March 20th 2018:

Thoughts:

I am lost

There's nothing I can do that will make me happy

Everything is fragmented

Nothing makes sense

I feel uncomfortable

I feel out of control

Everything is linked

I can't commit to anything

I block out feelings

How do I relax

Everything appears half-hearted

I know I'm not enlightened yet

 

Feelings: 

frustrated - seemingly at not knowing if I'm making progress

emotionally needy - wanting hugs and to feel love

confused - every individual decision that is made, not knowing whether or not it is good or bad or whether it is from the source of consciousness or not

[BMKemp]

March 21st 2018:

My obsession with knowing is destroying me, I cannot relax

I want to know everything

deep routed feeling of not good enough, not enough, I need more. I cannot be happy with me now.

Does this link to being worthy of love, being safe in the group (family), respected by the main provider (father) and the fear of not.

My next question that came to mind was how do I get rid of this feeling but that is further obsession.

 

[BMKemp]

Further thoughts today:

If I am lost then I am finding something

 

Experience:

Everything has infinite depth, what is really going on here. 99.99% of the time we talk about the surface levels of what is happening but in every moment there is infinite. 

What is going on, why

Why does this exist

I don't have a life what is this experience

What or who am I

I am between periods of restlessness and periods of heightened awareness of racing thoughts

everything feels fragmented

[BMKemp]

seeking a path, feeling lost, searching constantly for truth. I want answers, feeling needy all the time, many thoughts racing through my mind about how to make progress faster (egoic). I don't even know what progress I seek. 

[BMKemp]

the scrambled nature of my existance is frustrating. I feel I fall into the category leo suggested that could be considered fighter energy or the fighter stage. I threw out the victim mindset and now am seeking answers and I want them. I am impatient, I am frustrated, angry, highly emotive.

[BMKemp]

An interesting video made sense to me one of Leo’s, his victim video which doesn’t really apply to me but he covered the stage after victim thinking which was fighter and then creator and then actualised life (can’t remember name).

I generally feel that I fall into the category of fighter at present. I have a lot of fighter energy. I am like a raging lion inside who is so fucking angry at why life hasn’t gone my way. I want to find an English version of Leo. Too much of what he says is rooted in American culture and is difficult to apply to me. He has the American style fighter energy inside him but the English style I feel is more a compassionate route to enlightenment.

A lot which is going through me at the moment is thinking about what to do with my life. It’s been a reflective period over the last month or so when I’ve been out of work. Thinking about my life, the people involved, the experiences/thoughts/feelings, it’s all been surfacing. 

I want to see my psychotherapist again but I’m untrustworthy of him.