youngshinzen

How to deal with jealousy/unfairness

8 posts in this topic

I have an older brother who‘s living a more than above average good life: Good career as a project manager, has a long time girlfriend who‘s pregnant now, very organized and has enough capacity to think about designer furniture :-)

Me on the other hand, anxious since I was a baby (mother was pregnant during war) and I spend my quality time to heal myself. 

When I‘m with him and my parents, I totally suppress my feelings of anger and anxiety, because I learned that „crashing the party“ is not allowed. He‘s always positive and dislikes confrontation. If I get the courage to express the problems I have with him, he discards them very fast. 

Since I was a child, I was not able to be as hard-working and „faultless“ as him. Even now he let‘s me now that in subtle ways. For example when I saw him a few days ago, I showed him the charging cable for my laptop (the skin is ripped off) and he has the same too. So he asked: „How did that happen? Well, MINE doesn‘t look like this...“ (so it has to be my fault). That‘s just an example, I hope you get the essence of his attitude towards me.

I‘m waiting for things to go wrong, because I don‘t want the suffering I had to go through to be for nothing. I‘m thinking that the lack of difficulties he had must lead to problems. 

I know it‘s not good to wish someone, especially the own brother, problems. But it‘s because I feel like there is injustice. 

So how do I handle something like that? Ultimately I want to be free of jealousy and feel happy for him without a comparison to me, but for now, this is what I truly feel.

Edited by youngshinzen

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Where are you on your meditation practice ?

 


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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@ShinOne year of one hour daily meditation, slowly becoming more aware of my emotions. 

Edited by youngshinzen

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That's not good on your part especially if he is your blood brother. It's one thing to feel being treated unfairly but it's an entirely different thing to want someone to suffer, it's like wanting someone to be more miserable. This is exactly what love is not. Expecting that someone should be pleasant to you is also kinda selfish. They can be what they want to be. I'm pretty sure that sometimes people just act like assgoles and actually don't mean to hurt. You never know if someone has a good side to then until you see it. 

Jealousy, envy, is just an outcome of insecurities and low self esteem. When you are aware of your own worth and proud of yourself, there's less need to compare to others. In some ways, comparison itself is a futile idea because we are all unique with our own life and problems. The real crux of the problem is acceptance or the lack of it. We've been raised by a culture to believe that problems are bad and we are bad or unworthy of social acceptance if we have them. What you fail to see here is that this is just social conditioning to the extreme. We aren't living in a rat race. And if are then we don't have to. Someone out there will always be better off than you but at the same time someone else is doing worse than you too. That's what we don't see. It doesn't matter who does better or worse in the end, it's all about living in brotherhood and love. If you feel they don't care about you then they're the losers, not you because they don't know how to value you. Expecting you to be just like them is just wrong unrealistic. Expectations ruin everything, it sorta means you can't be yourself. Nah. You are who you are along with all your problems and flaws, you gotta embrace the whole of you and your life, that's exactly what makes you a unique existence in this world. We are humans not factory products to be alike each other. You are piece of art yourself and your life is a product of you and the circumstances and remember that nothing is really under our control so it's not really your fault if something went wrong in your life although it's made out to be that way by people around you. It's all social conditioning gone off track. It's always easier to put others down than to help them and bring them up. People do it to project their own superiority on others but it's just useless because it doesn't change your life or benefit you in any way at all. So it's all pointless in the end, just egos wrestling each other in this illusory race to reach the top. We were born to live like brothers, to love support and help each other and seek the best out of each other and not to one up each other. Sadly humanity has lost sight of the ultimate goal and we blindly follow what the world wants. Be yourself and embrace yourself and be a better person everyday and do better and live better. And there's nothing wrong if things don't work out the way you want because it's just life not a competition and it's all about reality, and surviving that reality, nothing more. You are doing a great job just living this drudgery. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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@youngshinzen tell the truth about your anger and your judgments toward your brother. The important thing is that you stay in contact with the sensations in your body when you do so . Anger could also cover up grief or some other emotions but you can know that only if you experience it. Don't force any restraint , be as loud as you want.

Be radically honest. I learnt to do this in radical honesty workshops. 

I have done the same thing with several people in my life and I will do it with several others. 


Observe reality as it is, not as you would like it to be 

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You should probably work 24/7 awareness and do some serious shadow work (there is a link in my sig).

This isn't healthy at all, and will sure backfire in any other relationship you habe one way or another.


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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@Preety_India I‘m kind of torn between expressing what I feel unfiltered and what I know through past epiphanies. On the one hand I try to tell myself that everyone is perfect and that hate is just an outcome of the illusion. But I‘ve done that for two years now and it doesn‘t work on a deeper emotional level.

But you reminded me that he can be how he wants to be, if I feel attacked it‘s something within me. I see that more easily with other people but with family blaming each other feels so real.

@nick96 That‘s what I planned too, I‘ll see him in a safe environment without others so I can express myself. Before that I‘ll tell him about my values and perspective, so he doesn‘t confuse the ego side of me with what I actually strive for. Has this approach lead to more intimate relationships or have you burned bridges?

 

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On 3/2/2018 at 9:53 PM, youngshinzen said:

@Preety_India

@nick96 That‘s what I planned too, I‘ll see him in a safe environment without others so I can express myself. Before that I‘ll tell him about my values and perspective, so he doesn‘t confuse the ego side of me with what I actually strive for. Has this approach lead to more intimate relationships or have you burned bridges?

 

@youngshinzen

It has opened a much more closer connection to others . More than I could imagine. Entire new ranges of positive emotions are present in relationships with others. 

I recommend you don't explain anything prior to expressing yourself and just let your emotions come out . Maybe you can explain after. 

Explaining and rationalizing emotions is just an ego defense mechanism . Most of the times emotions don't have anything to do with your conscious rational perspective of events in the present moment. 

I also recommend attending a radical honesty workshop. For me it changed my life. 

And as shin said shadow work is very important. 

I am doing the work right now.

 


Observe reality as it is, not as you would like it to be 

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