Having low-consciousness close friends: is it doable?

[PsiloPutty]

I think the proof that I'm changing is most obvious when I talk with old friends and realize that while they're saying the same things they always did, their low-consciousness vantage point becomes immediately apparent, and I'm finding it difficult to not focus on the widening gap between us.

One of my oldest and closest friends is very neurotic and looks at life in a helpless way, like there's not a thing he can do about his circumstances. It never bothered me before, because I think I basically shared his life view, but now that I've been focusing on improving myself for the past year, it jumps out to me as the most disempowering way to look at life. Thoughtful analysis tells me that I'm seeing all the things I'm trying to change in MYSELF in him, and that's one reason that I find myself distancing myself from him. I see his mindset as contagious to a degree, especially at this early stage of my self-development.

He lets someone cutting him off in traffic ruin his whole day. If a girl doesn't agree to go out with him, he says he's f**king done with dating. If it's a beautiful day, he focuses on the shitty weather that's forecasted tomorrow. He's ALWAYS comparing himself to other people, especially with income. He's always looking for external ways to hopefully fix his life. 

I really love the guy, as he's a friendly, intelligent and kind person, but we are both frustrated. He's frustrated because I point out the obvious to him; that he's letting other people CONTROL his life, and if he'd find a healthier perspective, he'd be so much less burdened. I'm frustrated because he's so smart yet he seems to be willingly stuck in his (to my way of thinking) negative foundation of thought. 

Being so close, I find it extremely difficult to simply listen to him, acknowledge his feelings and let it go, like I would do with a more casual acquaintance. I'd love for him to have a more free mind and to be less troubled by people and life itself, but at the same time I need to realize that I can't just download my perspective into his brain, and if he's not ready to change, he's going to stay mired in the mud. I want to love him for who he is, flaws and all, but it's hard to see all that potential squandered. 

Thoughts, por favor? 

Edited March 1, 2018 by PsiloPutty
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[Guest grrmz]

You're frustrated with him for expecting external circumstances to change his mood, but you are asking if he (an external entity) can change to make you happier (improve mood). So perhaps he coming back into your life to teach you the lesson you are trying to teach him: you can only control yourself. Once you overcome this neurotic behaviour fully in yourself, your neurotic friends will disappear and be replaced with enlightened friends

[PsiloPutty]

Excellent post. I can't disagree with what you said. I've enjoyed thinking that my frustration with him is more altruistic than that, but you have a solid point.

Edited March 1, 2018 by PsiloPutty

[Ether]

I have them and i dont mind them.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

This topic has always been on the forum, but I feel like I see it everytime I log in now...and feel it myself at times too...@PsiloPutty Check out the other posts, there is lots of good info. I think an answer to your question may be " if they/you want to". Does the friendship offer learning/ growth for you, or joy, or something else? Are you at a point where you can accept the other's behaviour? (if it would bring you down or if it's becoming condusive to you returning to addictions etc ....these may be things to consider)... Friends are one of the most valuable things in life...there have been posts by others that regret giving up all friends because of their consciousness level...that said, frienships can be dysfunctional too...only you can decide what is best for you in each situation...be grateful for the good friends you have, so fortunate to find them

[nightrider1435]

I would say either just accept him for who he is or move on, instead of pointing out his unconscious behaviors. You can't force someone to help themselves if they're not willing to. If you're growing then your life might just push that relationship out anyways.

[PsiloPutty]

Thanks, all. I do agree that it'll work itself out and find its own balance in time. I'll do a search for other similar threads; if anyone has one in particular that they found helpful, please link me. Thanks again for your help.  

[Naviy]

It is painful, but the fact is, if the person does not want to change, they will actively resist change.

I think that some of the reasons why normies do not want to change are:

1) They don't know that they need to change

2) They don't know that they can change

3) They cannot face the discomfort that comes together with change/growth (because they automatically react to discomfort with distraction, being unaware of doing so)

Knowledge about growth + awareness can help to overcome these obstacles. But they will not put effort to gain knowledge and awareness, because of 1), 2), 3). So this is how they are stuck in a cycle of suffering and doing nothing about it.

Maybe most of us in modern society are stuck the same way. For me what helped to break this cycle was my intense suffering + accidentally I found Eckhart Tolle teachings about 7 years ago. Later I found Leo. Being aware of your suffering makes the need to change more obvious, while teachers and books give you knowledge that you can change.  So you start the work. With work you become more aware, so you can grow even more efficiently.

I think it is very difficult to help other person to break this cycle of suffering and doing nothing about it.

What helps me a little bit is that I'm trying to be not so arrogant, judging normal people's lives, because I remember how totally impossible it was for me to start growing and working on myself, before I found high quality knowledge about growth + I was so fueled by intense suffering.

It's like when you know how to play guitar, and you look at your friend who cannot play, and you get surprised: "But why he cannot?! I can, it's not so hard! Just do it, like that, like that, see? Why he cannot?!" Well, remember yourself when you could not play guitar. It was impossible for you to take a guitar and start playing. It is same impossible for your friend now.

So, for him, in his world, he does not see all the problems in his life that you see. He does not know that he can change. He does not know that he needs to change. He does not know that change is possible. He is automatically distracting himself from growth (ego default job). Imagine yourself in these conditions. Of course, he has no chance to start the work. Understand and forgive

 

[PsiloPutty]

Naviy, that was a thoughtful post and it rings true for me. I'll just love the guy and remember that I can't drag other people along with me if they don't want the same things that I do. 

Thank you so much for posting. 

[OEN]

Slowly since becoming awake those who were once considered friends have disappeared, apart from a handful.  The thing is, it wasn't done intentionally or anything, it just happened organically.  There's something - some energy - that allowed us to drift apart, it's strange.  We haven't fallen out, there's no malice etc, and if I was to bump into them in a pub tomorrow I'd buy them a beer.  Each on our own paths, aren't we.

Accepting that embarking on this journey can mean those who were once close friends can start to disappear, just like your job - that's also a big one.  I see it was a way of clearing space for new, like-minded souls, personally   Not forgetting there's various ways to meet like-minded people, so it's not a completely lonely journey, though I often prefer it that way.

[PeterRck]

@PsiloPutty

I was in his shoes not long ago and, as much as I would like to believe that I am different now, I experience setbacks every so often. Don't give up on him because he cannot continue in this path for long, when he reaches rock bottom, he will start listening to you. 

[Nahm]

@PsiloPutty Wow can I relate to this. I tried A LOT. Here’s what I’ve found- 

He’s you anyways, so it doesn’t matter. Internally speaking, let it go. The name of the game for you, is acceptance. Total complete acceptance. This, like all things, is perfect as it is. Enjoy it as it is. He’s supposed to experience the life he is experiencing exactly how he is experiencing it.

Something happened to him that, relative to his current consciousness, was not fair, and that shaped his view of himself and reality. 

For him, this is perpetuated with repetition; same environment, same people, same thoughts, same emotions - same conditioning.

If there is anything you can do to help him, it’s getting him out of his environment for a day, or a few days. Get tickets to a speaker, or go camping for a couple days, something like that. Don’t expect this helps him a mile, expect an inch. Consciousness is a game of inches. (Psychedelics can move us miles, but he’s not ready for that). 

[SOUL]

I had a very close friend during HS, basically a best friend scenario even though we didn't go to the same HS and I had other friends in my own school but we hung out alot so shared much of those formative years experience together.

Eventually I left the place I grew up and traveled around quite a bit, many different places, people, ideas, just so many divergent perspectives which also coincided with self exploration and examination. My own perspective radically changed and I gained a sense of well being and peace in life even though my life circumstances, though alluring in many respects, wasn't especially impressive by conventional standards.

My friend went a more conventional route though a little delayed and when we started communicating more regularly again it was almost 10 years later I noticed a huge difference in our dispositions and perspectives in life. I often reflected on it as we started in the same exact spot but walked in opposite directions as it seemed as much peace and well being I had he had the very opposite.

I tried to 'share' my experience of it by just 'being' it but eventually I realized we were too different and they were unconsciously attempting to 'share' their experience of distress and misery with me. I didn't tell them what to do or think, there was no 'teaching' or criticism, I just was 'being' it but they also were 'being' something, too.

It felt like one battery fully charged connecting to a dead one results in two half charged batteries, not two fully charged ones. Even though I can charge up my experience while they drained their own and then when we connect again it was the same half assed dynamic as before. Our interactions constantly were a draining experience for me.

The people we spend time with we 'share' in experience so how much of who's perspective gets 'shared' with the other is something to examine about the relationship to decide how much time to spend. Yeah, yeah, we are one, sure on some level it is that but use care and be aware of what is being 'exchanged' and 'shared' with those we are spending time with.

If you spending time with them leads them to find their own peace and well being then it is a mutually healing friendship but if it leads to you being in distress and miserable then you may examine it's results and usefulness differently. There is no one size fits all advice on what to do.

Only you know if they are finding their own 'charge' or just draining yours, you may be capable and satisfied with jump starting them occasionally when they are in a particularly 'uncharged' moment but always having to 'charge' your own state to be their power source is a challenging friendship to be in.

Just something to consider.

Edited March 3, 2018 by SOUL

[PsiloPutty]

Dang, lots of useful and helpful posts since I last checked in. I was going to say "You folks don't know how much I appreciate your words" but since you've all been through this, or are going through it currently, you do already know this experience from my perspective. Simply put, thank you.   

[smd]

Friendships have a shelf-life.  I believe the term is that after about 7 years, you eventually grow apart & can no longer relate to one another.  So if you've known these people for a long time, then you've grown apart & are feeling the drift.  Although I have discovered that as you get older it becomes harder to find new friends or ones that you can build any trust into, because you have no foundation to build on like you have with your First Friends from school.