HELP: Im Closing Myself Off From Living

[AdamDiC]

Hi. 

I've been really struggling with my emotions lately. It just has been getting progressively worse. It hurts to talk about this, its ego reducing, but i know i have to go throughg this to grow. 

As my actualizing continued I became more aware of my life, all the problems I was previously unaware of and all my secret ways of suppressing them.

The thing that haunts me is my parents. They don't love each other any more. They are just annoyed with each other for the most part and i want to have meaningful relationships with them but something is holding me back. I don't know what a proper family looks like and i understand they are hard to come by but i feel that i could do more. My dad is an awesome person and i just dont do anything with him because i cant be real with him. Being to being. idk. i understand hes from a different generation and has his own dogma but wtf how can i live in the same house for the next 1-5 years and just bullshit our relationship.

WHAT THE UCK IS BOTHERING ME?

its the fact that i am incapable of verbalizing my emotions in the fear that I will have to express my true self, my authentic self, or a different self image.

there are few people who when i meet evoke a need to express myself. Only close friends and my brother. When i talk to them it feels as if the only thing that should come out of my mouth should be important and true and me. But i can't now, i used too be able to talk freely and open but now i bury my feelings and it hurts a lot. The only way to survive in this closed system is to constantly, consciously suppress them and induce unconsciousness. Textbook backslide. I began playing video games, eating junk food, watching porn and masturbating, just to numb myself. I also work out less now and my meditation is shiiiit. I don't want to meditate because i don't want to be conscious anymore, it hurts too much. it really does, i have chronic neck pain for suppressing all these emotions. My communications with people have gone down the drain. I want to be authentic but whenever i meet people the first thing that pops into my head is how depressed i am and how i have daddy issues and how im too scared to talk about it so i jsut sit there waiting for them to talk about something so i can get away from myself.

Resistance is futile. I know. this is not right, its not healthy. i just want to cry in front of all of my friends and be real with them. i want to engage my authentic self, i want to be me and live again. I want to feel like post-shroom or post-vipassana retreat me. BUT IM FUCKING SCARED, I JUST FREEZE UP. somewhere down the line i learned that emotions are bad, that expressing them is bad, and crying is for girls. i've been refusing to write this post because in fear of someone i know reading it.

I just turned 18 a few days ago. I got my whole life ahead of me but right now it seems like the end. I count the hours every day so i can just go to sleep. I know life shouldnt be lived like this, it's been 4 months of downhill unconsciousness. But i have learned some stuff. 

It feels like my lower self being afraid to grow, its afraid of fear, change and loooves safety. What will happen if i take the leap? Well it might be uncomfortable opening up at first but then i'll live in a more truthfull life, i wont have to run away from myself like i am right now. I go home and i basically lock myself in my room and sulk :). 

SO has anyone got and stories, experience, help, jokes, songs etc. 

i just want to grow up

 

[starsofclay]

1 hour ago, AdamDiC said:

SO has anyone got and stories, experience, help, jokes, songs etc. 

 

[AdamDiC]

@starsofclay that made my day ?

[starsofclay]

@AdamDiC oh good    Well, I can only give you layman's advice.... but I wouldn't feel too bad that you are back-sliding. You are only 18. There's plenty of time. This may be hard to hear, but you are still immature. Hell, most of us are still immature at 30. But I'm not sure if this deep of introspection is healthy for one that hasn't sowed much oats yet.  Go and read the parable of the prodigal son.  My advice is to enjoy life now, and of course you can stop yourself from sowing oats that you can't come back from, but maybe just be a teenager for now. You can of course continue to meditate and keep yourself in check while doing all the above. Hope you feel better!

[MDMD]

Don't go unconscious anymore! Look at your emotions and trace it back to where you're afraid. This is all about fear. Reflect on what "catastrophe" are you playing in your head when you silence your authenticity. If you're not ready for this in your daily life, then give The Six Pillar of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden a try. You won't' need your Dad to approve of you if you do this, and honestly, it will help you mature into a person that knows how to fill their own cups of happiness and love. I've been where you're at, it does get ugly if you don't change. That said, you have the rest of your life ahead of you and so much possibility! Ask yourself, is there anything out there in the world that is worth dedicating my life towards? Hope this helps.