sarapr

The most enjoyable journey of my life

132 posts in this topic

@swan_Joshua Thanks for another great input.

Meditation is a good way to really get in touch with reality on a bodily level so to speak but I find it hard to really embody this in real life, like I still have fear regarding my future or I still worry over things in a very real sense while I know this fear is totally useless .

have you been able to embody this knowledge in your life ? If yes, how ?

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I'm not having a good a time. I truly hate social hierarchies that idiots build around themselves just like what cimps do and actually a lot of other animals do too. It's the most basic thing social animals learn to do to survive. I've always hated all that . 

Remember the hatred thing with my mom ? We had quite a fight the other day, one day after I wrote that thing about my mom, I had all these pent up emotions building up until it all exploded out and we had a good fight which ended up in both of us crying while my father was just running around trying to calm us not having any clue as to what was going on but eventually as I was crying I decided to forgive her for all she's ever done and to let it go, let go of all the hatred, all the anger, everything and decided to love her for who she is and stop trying to want her to be who I want her to be so I went to her and huged her, trying to calm her in my arms .

so yeah feels much better to stop expecting her to be what I want, feels better to let go of all that anger. just like I want to have my life she has hers and it's not for me to change . 

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There are tons of issues in everyone's lives and I'm mostly talking about psychological issues and insecurities and different addictions that every person growing up develops . it takes huge amounts of time and effort and sufferening to cure yourself of all that, when you start to see all the impurities that are there and you think to yourself OMG how is it even possible to discover and purify yourself of all this mess and it just hits you that well why isn't everyone else doing anything about it !? It's totally shocking to see all these people walking around not doing anything about it, pretending to be happy, not even realizing there is anything to fix . I guess their issues go so deep that it makes them so ignorent of everything that they don't know there exists a problem to be solved and of course when your problems are too much and too overwhelming to deal with, the best way of dealing with them becomes to forget they exist so you can continue on with your miserable life because the amount of suffering you're gonna face, if you were to deal with them head on would be too much to handle but sometimes you forget about your problems to the degree that , that forgetting becomes another problem which might manifest itself in terms of notable and diagnosable medical conditions, either mentally or physically, your body starts yelling at you so then you notice you have a problem and sometimes the pain of that medical conditoon is so much that it will heal you of all your psychological issues right away and gives you a fresh start or it might not go all the way to heal you so it makes you go crazy and insane and that is exactly what happens with most people towards the end of their lives because not everyone will go through that much suffering to be healed from it and we do call those old people crazy. it is exactly because of that . so I just told you the end of most people's stories: they start fresh but slowly accumulate all these psychological burdens, they keep on carrying it around with themselves without ever taking look at what they're carrying behind them, their body starts to alarm them in various ways, they don't listen , now they're old and are facing all sorts of diseases both physically and mentally, they literally get crazy and are pushed away even by the society that created them , now after a life time of misery which they weren't even aware was the case this whole time , they die and the cycle continues for their children and the next generation and the next and next and so on and so forth . so the problems exist even if you're not aware of them and they are ruining your life none stop. as much as you'd like to deny it, it still hasn't gone away .

The only way that I've found so far to at least start to realize problems do exist is solitude and the only people who are lucky enough to get to see that unlike most people are the people who were always a bit of lone wolves, those who never really fit in. that's how it mostly works and that's the start of all the biographies that I've read so far . the reason is that the only way you get the chance to look within the inner workings of yourself is when you're alone and there is no other distractions. 

It all came to my mind because I went to a place where I saw really unconscious people operetaing like machines in a factory doing everything robotically without even knowing why there doing it. It's been a long time since I've been around people like that and actually been like them myself but after I started to stop being like them, I thought that everyone must've stopped as well but clearly not . 

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Sth just popped into my head, a sentence I had written to myself in a dream years ago . I never forget the peculiarity of that dream. Here's that sentence :

Only when you love the world, you can love yourself.

Edited by sarapr
I corrected the sentence after checking what I had actually written.

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@sarapr

I hope you have a slight intuition from my previous posts and your contemplations that consciousness is the true nature and basis of all reality, apparently creating this world and a finite body/mind. Our minds arise in this consciousness , and the duality of mind divides the consciousness (only apparently, never actually) into two apparent aspects. First an apparent separate self that is considered to be the knower, and consequently, an apparent objective world out there, for it to be known. Altho ugh both are the one and the same. The being is knowing. Its so intimate that I cannot even begin to describe in words and I don’t want to. The knower and the known are the same. In fact all there is - is just knowing or just pure consciousness, the being and knowing, of itself, by itself, in itself, in an infinity of space and time. These concepts of space and time don’t apply to consciousness. Infact, it’s the limitation of our finite minds that we see the infinite dimension-less consciousness  as 3 dimensions of space and one dimension of time- Our apparent world.

 

So let’s take about your experience. Really try to feel this consciousness in your own direct experience that you have and question it- your only true guide, that which you can trust, your consciousness, actually its the consciousness that has you, or even better- you consciousness. Yes that sounds about right. You awareness, You consciousness. Ask yourself- Am I aware ? Who is the I that is aware ? Can you locate it anywhere in your body or in your mind? Try now with your attention to attend to something just outside Consciousness. Can any of you find that place? Can any of you find an edge to the field in which your attention is wandering? Can you find a boundary to it in which it can be contained? Have you ever been in an experience where it was not present ? Have you ever witnessed the appearing or vanishing of it? (Even when you are asleep, your consciousness is present to know the dream world). Just contemplate. Pause now and contemplate every single question in your experience and then only answer.

 

All you know of the world is sensations and perceptions. Same goes for your mind and body, a cluster of thoughts, sensations and feelings. And all these sensations of seeing hearing touching and thinking are appearing in you, and by you I mean, you-Consciousness. How can you be sure of that when these sense perceptions are gone, as when we sleep, the world still stands as it is. In other words, how do you say that the objective world out there can exist on its own accord without consciousness. Has anyone ever or could anyone ever experience a world without consciousness ? If yes, then what would that be that is knowing the experience ? It can only be consciousness. Yet we are so sure that there is an objective world out there. It never is. Infact it’s Just an activity in consciousness that is giving rise to the apparent body-minds and the apparent worlds. In reality, the world is made up of consciousness. The mind is made up of consciousness. All thats happening is just consciousness knowing consciousness. Even that will be a concession to the truth, which can never be stated in words. There are infinite number of ways to try and fail putting it into words. It cannot be said because it cannot be known by mind. Mind is not present when you identify yourself with this pure openness, allowance, ever present, infinite, unimpaired, loving, full of acceptance, knows no resistance, knows no fear, peaceful, beautiful, simply knowing or being that is consciousness. The separate limited finite self, this body-mind, which you identify yourself with, the root of all your apparent troubles and sufferings, it dissolves or melts into this infinite consciousness, and ceases to be when you identify yourself with your true body- Consciousness. It was never even there in the first place. Just an apparent thought in the mind that is dividing our utterly unified seamless experience of unity into duality of subject-object relationship.  A beautiful saying by Rumi- In the existence of your love, I become non-existent. This non-existence linked to you is more beautiful than all existence. 

 

Now you might pick up on- since we all see the same tree and the same sun, there has to be some reality to this world.  why do you use that as an evidence that there is a universal objective world for all of us. In fact its the other way round. Since all our minds are made out of and appears in the same infinite consciousness, that we all see the same trees and sun. To me, it sounds even more sensible when I start putting all pieces of my experience together. Forget about what the majority of world culture says. Sadly, people generally subscribe  to the materialistic model. And just so we are on the subject, let me tell you we have never found this stuff called matter. We just go deeper and deeper, and all we know today is a family of leptons and quarks, that give rise to all of the world. But these elementary particles and the way we think about them- as stuff called matter with some form and mass and charge is a flawed view. Now since the pseudo-scientific community cannot directly observe the particles, so they rely on the physical effects and interactions of these elementary particles, study their properties and make xyz theories to explain all the observations. But never really contemplate on what are these fermions and bosons actually made of or the reality of stuff called matter. We still don’t have a quantum field theory of gravity. Einstein’s General Relativity breaks down in the quantum realm. And quantum mechanics breaks down when dealing with super massive black holes. I have an intuition that the GR is flawed because Quantum physics is too beautiful to be wrong. The Big Bang theory is also just another invention of modern science to support Einsteins relativity. Still some of the mathematics do work out and so does the physics for most of the engineering applications and  thus we get sleeker and smarter iphones. But the scientific foundational beliefs are wrong. For two and a half thousand years it seems to have passed our civilization by that we have never found anything outside Consciousness. Physicists are still looking for the nature and cause of this stuff called ‘matter’. They’ve been looking for it for two and a half thousand years; they’ve never found it, and they never will. It’s not there. The realist/materilaistic approach is wrong. There have been many great scientists who on their scientific career realized and even acknowledged that matter can never be the true reality of nature. But anyway, things are improving. String theory seems to be a step in this direction of understanding that universe is made up of nothing but vibrations. And they are yet to realize that these strings are nothing but the infinite Universal Consciousness iteself. 

 

 

Okay so I had to get these things out in the open before I could talk about your fear of future and worrying over things. I will get to that with time. If you have any queries or doubts regarding this consciousness paradigm, let me know. I never say to simply believe whatever I or anyone is saying. Rather turn inwards and see your own experience of everything till now. Its always wise to trust your own experience rather than believes. Contemplate upon it and let me know what you think. And something about fear-  you fear this fear but never take the time to see clearly who is the one that is afraid of it and what is he/she afraid of? (or) Who are you and what is fear really made up of? 

 

With love,

 

Joshua

 

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@swan_Joshua yeah thanks. I think that my understanding of what you said is along the same lines.

About fear I think it's a good idea to contemplate on the nature of it. I've never really done that so let's give it a try right now .

even sometimes that I'm not fearful of future I still think there are tanglibe dangers out there which can threaten me because I still have to live in the society and I could only be free of all these obligations if I were to live off on my own but that can't be the case if I want to survive so maybe to want to free myself up I have to create a stable surrounding for myself so that I wouldn't have to worry about it on a daily basis. I really think that's the only the way. maybe the only thing I can do about it right now is to not get annoyed or agitated by problems and to not take them seriously but still take the right action to solve them just like when playing a video game we don't actually think that those problems are gonna hurt us but we still play the game by the rules along with all those different emotions that come up but in the midst of all those emotions of getting afraid of sth, getting excited and all that, we still know no matter what the outcome would be, it won't change anything. the exact same thing goes for life. in the big picture of life problems don't exist, we create them, oh! we can actually melt away all our problems by stopping to create them, yeah I hadn't seen it that way before so I guess it's not about stopping to have negative emotions but to actually stop identifying with them. yeah that's what it's about, to let life happen, to play by the rules and have different emotions come up but not identify with them. kinda like taking a back seat to life and observing life happening with all its different colors and whatever happens knowing that it's not gonna change anything, it's neither good or bad whatever it may be, both the success and the failure mean the same. yeah that attitude can bring on more relief and actually no  more worries to be had, well maybe worries would come again but it wouldn't mean much maybe it's just a tool to prevent me from screwing too much and sth useful not necessarily a bad thing.

What do you think?

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Hey

I realized sth new about myself and I don't know how to interpret this. I had a slight glimpse into what my life would look like if I had no strings attached, if I had Nothing to lose, if I had gone through everything that there would be nothing else left  to frighten me, if that were the case, I'd probably end up being an underground mafia leader going about murdering and taking down other mafias hehe.

I say this because of a movie I just watched called In The Fade and I thought to myself what would I do if I were her and I realized if I were like her with nothing else to lose I'd try to get to the bottem of it and murder each one of their Mafia members so they can't do sth like this to another person which was exactly what they did, they continued murdering other non German people so if I got to them first it wouldn't sound that bad of an idea, it would be a reason to justify my actions but either way my point is if you asked me this a couple of years ago about whether I would kill someone or not , I would've had a cardiac arrest just by thinking about killing someone but now, I don't really care ! I just don't care and it sounds to me like I'm going insane or sth and it worries me a bit. The only reason that I'm not going wild murdering people is because I have strings attached, I have things to lose and because of those, I decide to play it nice but as soon as sth happens in my life to maybe give the sense of having lost everything already then there would be nothing to stop me from killing people, like for real. I don't know how to feel about this . of course all of us are murderers  if we have ever stepped on an ant or killed a bee or a bug even not knowingly , it's still murder but we don't mind that, we only care if it's a human getting killed so there is a double standerd here in saying that killing humans is bad but killing ants is fine and you won't be prosecuted for that cause what's the difference between the two? they're really the same. So if sth does happen in my life to initiate the killer beast inside me, what do I gotta do!?!?

But mostly I'm always quick to forgive and let things run how they run if it's a personal matter but if I do find myself in a situation where it would need my interference to kill someone, I'd do it with no remorse ! I don't know , I guess I'll see when that crisis happens then I'll know what my true nature is  :ph34r:

Edited by sarapr
grammar mistakes

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Have you noticed how after seeing sth differently, you can never undo it and see it like before!?

It's a strange phenomenon which I've noticed very starkly with faces . I read this article a while back about how faces which are more symmetric are more attractive so then I started to analyze my own face to see how symmetric it is and day by day I found more and more unevenness in my face in all different features like the whole skull, eyes, nose, lips, cheeks and all the other parts and I started getting real upset at how uneven my face was and how not normal it was and why is it that among all humans only my face should be that uneven .

the part which was the most shocking though was how I had never seen any of this ever before, not even a clue that, that's how I look so I started to also pay more attention to other peoples faces as well and my shock got even deeper that how every face I look at has the Exact Same unevenness, identical to mine and not just family members but strangers in the street and not just even my own country but also European and american actors and actresses in movies, everyone I saw had the exact imbalances identical to everyone else's and other than that, the fact that it was the first time I was noticing all this after 17 years of living was even more mind blowing .

so sth interesting came up in my mind about why is it that our developmental genes has the exact same coding for facial development and all I could think of so far is that it might play a role in letting the eyes have the most efficient location in the face to that one would be a bit upper and more outward protruding than the other so when we look to the side we can cover more areas to see . but I'm sure there has to be more to it than that. maybe I'll look this up in the future, maybe there's some research on this .

anyways, it is really interesting to see how much you can ignore about what you see and not even know it. It's mind blowing to not be able to trust your perceptions and flawed judgments based on inaccurate information and how much damaging it can be in other areas of life.

While we're at it, let's also talk about this other new thing I've noticed about how we see things. When we look at an object from an angle where each eye sees a different portion of the object, the brain puts these two different images together in a way we would see the widest picture possible and the most comprehensive view possible so we don't miss any detail and what this does is some times we see a double form of the object if we are too close or we would see the object bigger in the place where the two different images from the two eyes overlap. A very good example of this overlap is when you look in a tiny mirror and you see a huge nose and you think oh this can't be true and in fact it's not true because your brain is playing tricks on you and If you close one eye, you will see the normal size of your nose and the face. This phenomenon is especially more obvious with mirrors because mirrors tend to show even a wider view of the background.

So this was another interesting thing I've noticed which is quite fun to see how your brain manipulates your reality .

there's also a phenomenon I had read about before, saying that some people see themselves ugly while in fact they're very pretty but they can't accept it buy hearing it from others and I bet it is because of not knowing about how their brain tricks them when they look in the mirror and that it's not a psychological issue of seeing yourself as being ugly but just a case of having two eyes !   

Edited by sarapr

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Writing gives me a sense of ease and peace and comfort. 

I'm a bit worried again for my future but I guess it'll be alright after all . my life would change dramatically in just a few months. I'm looking forward to that and in a few years I wouldn't even recognize myself looking back . I'm generally extremely optimistic but my brother is always restless, nagging and complaining about everything and he ruins my day as well when he or anyone else in general does that . I don't enjoy being around these kinds of people. they constantly give out negative energy . since I really look up to my brother I find myself under the influence of his negative energy . im not sure which is the better way to live life. To be that optimistic or pessimistic? I couldn't be pessimistic even if I wanted to. I always find a way to see things in a bright light even while I myself am nagging . yeah he messes with my emotions too much . 

I guess I have migraine . I always have a headache .

One of My friends is suffering from insomnia at this age. When she told me that, I wasn't shocked at all. It was always obvious to me sth bad would happen to her sooner or later. She was and actually still is a constant cumpulsive liar, always bragging , always trying to prove how foolish everyone is and how smart she herself is. A lot of mental garbage and nonsense in there. I know why she's suffering and I know I can help her but she's too stubborn to admit her insecurities to herself . just as I had said that everyone has problems to work on and if they don't even realize there are problems, their body will yell and shout and cry out loud but they still wouldn't hear their body and they will suffer for if. I wish I could somehow help her. She says I'm the only one who understands her and that I have been the only one whom she could be comfortable with after all these years that we've been apart she still asks me all the time when she can call me so sometimes I manage to find some time for her and she calls and talks about all her problems to me and all I do is mostly listen and cause I know my advice won't be heard, I don't try to tell her to do anything. I just let her pour out her heart and say whatever she wants. Maybe that's the best thing for now, to not confront her.

I personally thank god that I can sleep at nights peacefully and allow myself to dream every single night and enjoy myself whenever I can . I am truly thankful for that .

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I never knew how much I actually enjoy studying . always resisted it for what reason I don't know but now that I'm studying real long hours, I find myself enjoying it even more it's like the more I study the more I want to. And exactly the same with other things. the more I do sth the more I end up doing it. maybe that's how addictions are formed but currently I like to develop this habbit of studying . totally enjoyable .

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Was just talking to another friend of mine who has had a nose job and then right after that I came here reading some posts and the difference in the quality of my thoughts and the huge mood change I felt, hit me like a wave. It's so hugely remarkable that a minute ago when I was thinking about noses and nose jobs, that had become my reality and then when coming here and thinking about spiritual stuff I felt the reality changing around me .

It's like your reality is created by what you do and think of for most of the time . 

It's crazy how we can change our world by changing our mindset. And the thing is, there is no other world than your world so stop making yourself feel bad when you have all the power to change a world in an instance. There's nothing stopping you .

Edited by sarapr

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I love to work with computers and do programming but also love biology and biochemistry and also like to do some things that require you to get up and do sth either with hands like creating a hand craft or with the whole body like sports . now how do I combine all these together? I've always known what I wanted very specifically but were never clear enough about the way in which I could get there mostly due to lack of proper and correct knowledge about how different paths to getting there work and what the process is like so that has resulted in me changing directions multiple times to better suit my main purpose so now after all these path diversions, I'm not quite sure if my most recent decision is correct or not but I wouldn't worry too much right now cause I know whichever way I go I'll end up embarking on all those adventures that I like. the only thing that changes each time is the order of importance in which I evaluate those activities and also the order of timing for them cause I can't do all that at once obviously. 

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I was meditating the other day and came across a new experience. I started shaking and my body was moving back and forth. I couldn't help but laugh at myself . it was totally funny to see my body moving without any permission from me whatsoever. it was like, none of the cells of my body would take orders from me anymore :D like it wouldn't be important what I wanted . I was overthrown.

But I have read previously in this forum that these sorts of shakings happen and I mostly think it's a muscle issue and when the muscles get tired of being held straight they start shaking . I haven't tried other positions of sitting to see if that's actually the cause though.

I wish more of these experiences would happen to me but I guess I should say, careful what you wish for . ;)

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There's so much to fix, so much to work on. I wonder if it's even possible. I'm tired . 

I miss my brother. I love him so much. Now that he's going to college I don't see him anymore. I know it'll only get worse as time passes. I don't like growing up. Everything's changing so fast. Takes time to adjust. I want to be a kid again. To play around with my brother . ahh they were such good times. Miss everything about my childhood. I want it back.  

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Hey

I'm feeling much better now

You know why?!?

My brother came ( hooray) 

I went to his room to have a talk and I ended up making him laugh his ass of. He literary had to get up from his bed to cool off. We laughed so hard that we were sweating .

I guess he should be happy he has me ;)

Speaking of sweats , the weather has gone crazy these days. It's supposed to be spring but we are having floods all over the country and our city is like a desert at this time but this year we are having rains every other day, sth which is rare even in winter time !!!

It is all global warming showing off. On this particual matter I'm no longer optimistic . let's see how long it takes us before we manage to get the human species endangered along with thousands of other species then we can call it a day and all go home to have a nice ever lasting sleep underneath our technologies !

Good luck to us 

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Okay the last month which was supposed to be the time for me to fill in the gaps has come and I really need to make wise choices.

My deepest problem so far about creating my study plans has been the lack of prediction for unwanted situations and lack of flexibility so that I wouldn't have to abort the whole mission because of one simple stupid inevitable thing that happened . so I'm here to stop that now.

focus and clarity are also the key points I need to pay attention to. Pick one source for each subject stick with it and do it every single day plus some other stuff that comes up daily which doesn't have to be an everyday thing.

So do that you'll be fine. One book for each subject that's it. 

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@sarapr you seem the kind of person very conscientious  about school work so i have a few questions.

What do you do when you feel tremendous  resistance to study?   -do you force thyself? -do you start with easier topics?

How often to you recap already learned notions/problems?

How many hours do you study per day/week? How many hours at a time? Short or long breaks between study sessions?

22 hours ago, sarapr said:

study plans

B|

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@Everyday i go to the library and stay there the whole day and study for 10 hours a day . the library really helps with the resistance but even then when I have resistance I usually pick a book I really enjoy and after reading that I find myself wanting to study more and more like a positive feedback loop. I study in two hour sessions with fifteen minute breaks and one thirty-minute break in the middle of the day usually at 6 pm . it's only painful the first day, right after that, on the second day , it would all feel normal . 

At this point all I do for the next month is recap. I've covered all the subjects so now the recap is a daily basis.

If you have any more questions let me know.

Besides all that, one thing I've noticed about studying for 10 - 12 hours a day is that time is much shorter than you think. I used to think only if I studied for that long, I would be able to finish everything in one day but now I can see even 10 hours of study a day won't be enough , there's so much more to do but you won't know that until you actually study that long .

  

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53 minutes ago, sarapr said:

Besides all that, one thing I've noticed about studying for 10 - 12 hours a day is that time is much shorter than you think. I used to think only if I studied for that long, I would be able to finish everything in one day but now I can see even 10 hours of study a day won't be enough , there's so much more to do but you won't know that until you actually study that long .

yes, remarked this the other day when it took me hours just to recap one lesson albeit i thought that i will be done with it in 40m 

and thank you very muchB|

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