sarapr

The most enjoyable journey of my life

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Sleep deprivation is such a real thing; totally messes with everything even my level of optimism and outlook on life, it even makes me paranoid and I have sleep deprivation for most of the week so basically I don't know how a normal day looks like :| only rarely do I get to see the magnificence of a none sleepy day and it blows me away to realize how discolored my days were . the problem though is I can't really make it work to get enough sleep even right now I have a headache because of that . ahh I can't deal with it anymore  

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Told you I had sleep deprivation so I went home after the class and started studying but when I checked the answers a lot of them were wrong and the slpeeniess plus those wrong answers just made my day and I said fuck it, I'm going to bed and I slept until around midnight when my mom came waking me to eat some dinner and as she was talking I was just hearing bla blah blah, then just cause I couldn't stand not understanding her I got up and I thought to myself such a bad timing, now I can't go to sleep anymore but guess what, I was literally napping while eating my dinner and went back to bed immediately and slept for another 6 hours, a total of 16 hours sleep and after I woke up I was feeling so refreshed like I've been just born. so good  :)

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I like the idea of confession and don't really know why maybe because of the feeling it gives, this feeling of relief and humbleness . the looks on the face , this look of I'm only human and I make mistakes . I really like it but it's hard , truly hard cause you gotta let go of parts of your ego to let yourself be vulnerable, put yourself on the line , dive into the unknown consequences that awaits you on the other side of honesty. it's scary but that's what gives it a sense of pleasure and accomplishment . once I did the honesty challenge for one week to not hide anything from anyone and oh boy what a week it was . it wasn't at all that bad but for some reason I perceived it to be too scary for me to continue it but I kinda miss it too . hope I can do more of it in the future .

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Sth interesting I've noticed happing is the way my dreams are such good manifestations of my general mindset during the day like a couple of weeks ago I was regaining my lost hope and starting to see stuff in a more positive light and as I was going through that I was having dreams in which I had succeeded in what I wanted and was happy and laughing and running around in beautiful farm fields and after that period I started working two times harder and the dreams I'm having now for like several days in a row is about fighting ! I'm literally fighting in my dreams and not a bad kind of fight but more like the ones in movies cause I have my memory filled with all those action scenes because of the huge amounts of movies that I've watched over the years and one night I was fighting with one of those bizarre guns you see in star wars and the funny thing is I've never watched star wars but just have an idea about it , still it came to my dream. the other night I was fighting with bears and sea animals as I was trying to escape from a fenced area by climbing trees and anything I could climb and the climbing part was so clear like I was doing it in real life and I don't remember the rest this exactly so yeah it's fun to see my subconscious changing on a day to day basis .

Edited by sarapr

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Hey hey hey

I said I wanted to be more honest in the future right? Now's my chance to do so and in fact it is important that I be honest on this matter but I'm scared what should I do ?!? I'm just so used to lying about this very particular thing . I don't know . should I sugar coat it and say it or not say it or lie about it? Gosh , okay maybe I'll tell him but sugar coat it and tell him in such a sly way that he doesn't even realize what I just told him but he's not an idiot he'll figure it out in a split second, oh ... At this point , just fuck it I'll tell him ... Oh what I've done . there's no turning back, my mind's made up I'm telling him. I'll tell you the result ... IF I'm still alive by then 

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Here's what happened about that honesty thing , he didn't precisely ask about one of the two issues that were there but the other thing he did ask about, I did such a sugar coating that there was nothing left of the main thing . now I know I'm a fucking godamn liar who can't allow the ego being even one bit threatened . nothing else needs to be added :|

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So again I see myself spending too much time here and have decided that I won't be coming around here for some time so if you see me post in this forum again, I give you permission to shoot on sight :D 

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I know I wanted to stay away but I felt I had to write one more point here. I've been reading some of the other journals here and it feels good to see a lot of people just like myself. We are basically dealing with the same problems . used to think I'm very isolated from others but now I'm not so sure. 

Two days ago I read about the infj personality in pinterest after reading Leo's blog and it brought me to tears ( very mildly though) that this website understands me so well. It had been a while since I felt so understood. The previous time I felt this way was after taking the myers Briggs test :D . it is hard to understand this personality type. Even as someone who is infj if I see another infj, I still can't know for sure because they appear one thing on the outside but are sth else on the inside . 

One of the things I like doing is observing people's interactions with the world and their thinking and it's somewhat hard doing it in real life but through reading these journals it feels like reading people's minds without trying hard :)

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I have recently found out that I am literally an addict . of course in many different ways but the one that's messing with my life the most is excitement addiction and adrenaline addiction that I honestly don't know how to stop, well maybe I know how but obviously can't do it and I have made a lot of attempts at this but I find myself repeatedly falling back into the pervious trends and patterns, falling back on my previous issues and bad habits and I am just sick and tired of Not being able to just handle my issues and fucking Move On . I simply lack sth in whatever it is I don't know I'm lacking in. mayber it's just the knowledge, maybe the discipline to actualize the knowledge or maybe sth way more fundamental than that like a deep rooted issue in my subconscious. I just want a long lasting solution to just deal with it and put it aside forever like never again would I have to revisit this issue . I don't get why I can't get this ! 

Now here's what I'll do next time I have that urge: without any attempts of refraining from taking that action which is supposed to excite me, I'll just simply try to watch my experience just observe everything, sit back and take a look and then just let go of this debate in my mind about, "oh I want to do this but I shouldn't," I will just let go of that argument and do whatever I want. I already I feel like after less than three times of that process I would be able to put that issue aside even If it is only for that day and day by day I could slowly just get rid of it and one of the reasons I have kept failing at this is because of wanting too much too soon so maybe giving myself time wouldn't be that bad after all.

Okay I'm done maybe I'll journal again on this issue later on after trying it out . 

Edited by sarapr

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Music is the key ;) for a lot of my problems . whenever I listen to it everything suddenly becomes better .there's sort of a magic in there that happens. Right now I'm listening to a very soothing one . it changes my mood a lot. It's actually so much more powerful than I thought :)

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Hey

I have this new struggle about meaninglessness of life and everything in it so I want to write my thoughts here maybe I can clear it out for myself a bit.

There have been a lot of new born babies around me for the last couple of years and I've seen a lot of moms and their babies and how all of them thought that their baby is the special one and how everything on earth hinges upon the specialness of their baby and this sort of attitude that obviously every mom even my own mom has towards their baby and realizing the meaninglessness of life does kind of break my heart to see no one is really special and no one is different even if they do grow up to change the world, it still means nothing cause you know, so what? the world itself is meaningless so is the person who changes it . so this feeling of no matter what you do with your life it still means nothing, no matter how great you are, how hard you work , how famous you are or how helpful you are to the world means nothing . when the world itself is meaningless let alone humans. that is partially why I choose to do what satisfies me the most rather than how valuable it can be to others cause it can Never be valuable so the only value you can find is what pleases you on an individual level and maybe what pleases you might give out some value for others as well but if giving value to others is put before what satisfies you then that's ridicules. it should be about you first hand now that the whole thing is meaningless. if what pleases you turns out to pruduce value to others as well then let it be. so now that there's no real value in anything I can just do whatever I want  at any moment. in the process If I find out that chasing addictive stuff is not satisfying then I'll use discipline to do things that satisfy me on a deeper level but that doesn't mean it's valuable in the bigger picture but at that time it becomes valuable to me and I do remember times when I had absolutely no responsibility at all and I chased superficial satisfaction for a couple of weeks but eventually I ended up going after some challenges to do some hard work so even if I'm let to do whatever I want, I'd still choose to go after some hard work that results in sth and not the immediate pleasure I might get from doing the easy stuff so I'm not worried about the motivational part cause I've seen myself do "meaningful" work even if I didn't have to but what troubles me is this thought at the back of my mind telling me so what? you do all this work and it does satisfy you on a deep level but it's still meaningless to the world and it's a sort of thing that hurts me on an egoic level in the way that undermines my ego and pride and it can't be solved by thinking or knowing that it doesn't matter if it's meaningless. I can't let go of pride with knowing I have to let go of my pride but you know on the other hand if I do come to a point where I surrender that pride, I could actually find sth more profound on the other side but from here, it sure sounds scary and I can't be sure if living life without pride is as blissful as they say . right now I'm a scared little puppy, afraid to take it another step further .

here's what a conclusion of these thoughts looks like so everything is meaningless. whatever I do is meaningless. The ramifcations of this are: so you'd better do what satisfies you the most regardless of anything and just stop caring for anything else and be playful and trust that the outcome of being playful is actually far better than doing anything neuroticalley; secondly, even though everything is meaningless, there's still a profundity that exists that no matter how much I say it's meaningless, I can't deny the awesomeness of reality and no matter how much I say "so what," the fact that reality exists is beyond any meaning you could ever give it so there's this underlying feeling of awe that exists regardless of its meaning; thirdly, this knowledge only hurts me because of my ego and pride and there does exist other set of feelings to have about this world other than pride and ego and feeling hurt, I could also experience the feeling of wholeness and acceptance and peace as a result of the meanigless ness of life and I could choose to feel complete already now that I know there's no more objective to have, there's nothing else that I could acquire to make me complete, I already am complete instead of feeling threatened by any tiny change of prospective because I'm afraid I might lose my pride but if I feel complete then there would be nothing that could threaten me or make me afraid and it is a much better way to live life to live as though you are untouchable.

so I guess that was a good clarifaction in my mind that it is meaningless and there's nothing sad about this fact other than it hurts my ego so even if I am not special that's not a bad thing, it's the best thing cause now I am free to do what ever I want, to live however i want, to laugh and play and live courageously without any worries.

I know it was somewhat a sloppy way of writing so sorry for that .

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On 4/15/2018 at 1:29 AM, sarapr said:

Hey

I have this new struggle about meaninglessness of life and everything in it so I want to write my thoughts here maybe I can clear it out for myself a bit.

There have been a lot of new born babies around me for the last couple of years and I've seen a lot of moms and their babies and how all of them thought that their baby is the special one and how everything on earth hinges upon the specialness of their baby and this sort of attitude that obviously every mom even my own mom has towards their baby and realizing the meaninglessness of life does kind of break my heart to see no one is really special and no one is different even if they do grow up to change the world, it still means nothing cause you know, so what? the world itself is meaningless so is the person who changes it . so this feeling of no matter what you do with your life it still means nothing, no matter how great you are, how hard you work , how famous you are or how helpful you are to the world means nothing . when the world itself is meaningless let alone humans. that is partially why I choose to do what satisfies me the most rather than how valuable it can be to others cause it can Never be valuable so the only value you can find is what pleases you on an individual level and maybe what pleases you might give out some value for others as well but if giving value to others is put before what satisfies you then that's ridicules. it should be about you first hand now that the whole thing is meaningless. if what pleases you turns out to pruduce value to others as well then let it be. so now that there's no real value in anything I can just do whatever I want  at any moment. in the process If I find out that chasing addictive stuff is not satisfying then I'll use discipline to do things that satisfy me on a deeper level but that doesn't mean it's valuable in the bigger picture but at that time it becomes valuable to me and I do remember times when I had absolutely no responsibility at all and I chased superficial satisfaction for a couple of weeks but eventually I ended up going after some challenges to do some hard work so even if I'm let to do whatever I want, I'd still choose to go after some hard work that results in sth and not the immediate pleasure I might get from doing the easy stuff so I'm not worried about the motivational part cause I've seen myself do "meaningful" work even if I didn't have to but what troubles me is this thought at the back of my mind telling me so what? you do all this work and it does satisfy you on a deep level but it's still meaningless to the world and it's a sort of thing that hurts me on an egoic level in the way that undermines my ego and pride and it can't be solved by thinking or knowing that it doesn't matter if it's meaningless. I can't let go of pride with knowing I have to let go of my pride but you know on the other hand if I do come to a point where I surrender that pride, I could actually find sth more profound on the other side but from here, it sure sounds scary and I can't be sure if living life without pride is as blissful as they say . right now I'm a scared little puppy, afraid to take it another step further .

here's what a conclusion of these thoughts looks like so everything is meaningless. whatever I do is meaningless. The ramifcations of this are: so you'd better do what satisfies you the most regardless of anything and just stop caring for anything else and be playful and trust that the outcome of being playful is actually far better than doing anything neuroticalley; secondly, even though everything is meaningless, there's still a profundity that exists that no matter how much I say it's meaningless, I can't deny the awesomeness of reality and no matter how much I say "so what," the fact that reality exists is beyond any meaning you could ever give it so there's this underlying feeling of awe that exists regardless of its meaning; thirdly, this knowledge only hurts me because of my ego and pride and there does exist other set of feelings to have about this world other than pride and ego and feeling hurt, I could also experience the feeling of wholeness and acceptance and peace as a result of the meanigless ness of life and I could choose to feel complete already now that I know there's no more objective to have, there's nothing else that I could acquire to make me complete, I already am complete instead of feeling threatened by any tiny change of prospective because I'm afraid I might lose my pride but if I feel complete then there would be nothing that could threaten me or make me afraid and it is a much better way to live life to live as though you are untouchable.

so I guess that was a good clarifaction in my mind that it is meaningless and there's nothing sad about this fact other than it hurts my ego so even if I am not special that's not a bad thing, it's the best thing cause now I am free to do what ever I want, to live however i want, to laugh and play and live courageously without any worries.

I know it was somewhat a sloppy way of writing so sorry for that .

@sarapr

ABOUT ADDICTION AND MEANINGLESS-NESS OF LIFE

Addiction of any sort, be it to inappropriate sexual behaviour, alcohol, drugs, smoking or any milder form of behaviour, always has its origin in the belief and, more importantly, the feeling of being separate, limited and located. The most common form in which this belief and feeling of separation manifests is in the subtle and not-so-subtle rejection of the current situation - that is, “I don’t like what is going on” and “I want something other than what is going on.” These two attitudes - traditionally referred to as fear and desire - are the two faces of the apparent separate self. They are two of the most common forms of ‘resistance to what is.’ In other words, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’ via various objects, substances or experiences, are synonymous. These three states are, in fact, one and the same state and could also be called ‘ignorance’ or the ‘ignoring of the true nature of experience.’ Therefore, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’ are incompatible with the experiential understanding of the non-dual nature of experience. 

So, let us go to the origin of this ‘resistance to what is’ because if we start anywhere else, for instance, if we were to start with a secondary cause, we would not be going to the root of the problem and, sooner or later, our search will reappear, often in a more virulent form. In fact, the term ‘addiction’ is used precisely to describe this more virulent form of the search that has become chronic and destructive. The origin of ‘resistance to what is,’ is the belief that what we are, Awareness, is limited to and located within a body. This imaginary identification of our Self with a limited object (which, upon investigation turns out, itself, to be imaginary) creates an apparent entity. The real ‘I’ of Awareness seems to become the limited ‘I’ of the imagined separate entity. That is, we think and feel that we are a body. 

This apparent entity, being apparently made out of an intermittent object is, by definition, unstable, always threatened with change and disappearance. Hence the fear that resides at its heart and its natural corollary, desire. The fear comes from the feeling that when this intermittent sensation (the form in which the body is appearing in this moment) disappears, ‘I’ will disappear with it. And the desire comes from the apparent need to substantiate this fleeting entity we believe and feel ourselves to be, in order to perpetuate its apparent existence. 

To begin with this fear and desire manifest in the most innocuous forms of behaviour, the most common of which is unnecessary thinking, the almost constant chatter or commentary that most of us are familiar with.This innocuous commentary is the simplest form of ‘the rejection of what is.’ It is the repetitive background chatter which ensures that attention is almost always diverted away from ‘what is.’ This is the primal addiction. ‘What is’ is deemed too boring, plain and uneventful to be worthy of attention and thinking provides an alternative dream world into which we can escape from the boredom or discomfort of the moment. One honest look at our thinking will show that the majority of it serves no practical, intelligent or creative purpose whatsoever. It is simply a sort of filler that serves to distract attention from the boredom of ‘what is.’

The vast majority of our thoughts about the past and future serve only to legitimise and perpetuate this type of thinking. However, precisely because this type of thinking is deemed innocuous (in the sense that it has no harmful effect on the body or on society) it passes, for the most part, unnoticed and is indeed encouraged by our culture in general. For this reason, it is the most common and effective form of addiction that almost everyone is engaged in, for the most part unknowingly. And therein lies its efficiency at keeping the sense of separation alive. Hence it is the perfect refuge for the apparently separate self. 

 

However, as we grow up this subtle thinking is no longer sufficient to keep the anxiety, dis-ease and discomfort of the sense of separation at bay and we begin to turn to stronger forms of avoidance. These stronger forms of avoidance are the common forms of addiction with which we are familiar - over working, over eating, excessive activity, addiction to money, excessive use of TV, excessive use of alcohol, smoking, drugs, pornography etc. etc. All these forms are simply strategies of avoidance - avoidance of ‘what is,’ avoidance of ‘this,’ avoidance of ‘now.’ They are the familiar refuges of the sense of a separate self. Society draws a line based on whether the addictive activity in question is of immediate danger to itself, as to the legitimacy of each of these activities, thereby condoning some and condemning others. 

However, from the point of view of ignorance, they are all simply strategies of avoidance and denial. In fact, each of them is simply a variation of the root avoidance - incessant thinking that revolves around the ‘I’ thought. If we go honestly, as you have done, to our experience, we will always find this thinking and its deeper counterpart in our feelings at the level of the body, underneath or behind all subsequent forms of addiction. It all begins with ‘I,’ the body. That is the root of all suffering which our addictions seek to alleviate. If society condemns one form of addiction more than another, for whatever reason, we may be persuaded to change horses, but in our hearts this fire of discomfort, avoidance and rejection, and its inevitable counterpart in the search for happiness (which is just another name for addiction) will continue. And we will not truly rest until we have gone to the root of the matter. 

 

 

To go to the root of the matter means to go to the source of the apparently separate ‘I,’ not just the belief of the separate ‘I’ but, more importantly, the feeling of such. It is only when the whole mechanism of the apparently separate self has been seen clearly in all its subtlety that we are free of it, that is, that Awareness stands ‘knowingly’ in and as Itself, un-apparently-veiled by the belief and feeling of separation. 

It is not enough, as you have discovered, to wash a veneer of “Oh well, everything is equally an expression of Awareness and therefore nothing matters” over our beliefs and feelings. This kind of superficial thinking is one of the safer refuges for the apparently separate self in those that have added a veneer of spirituality to their persona. The sense of separation is a master at appropriating anything for its own purposes of self-validation and justification, and superficial spirituality is one of its less easily detected forms. you should be aware to clearly and honestly see that this addiction is a symptom of a deeper and subtler malaise - that of the separate self. You should  clearly see that the mind’s attempts to justify this behaviour with convincing and seemingly watertight spiritual or rational or nihilistic arguments, all are basically means to manipulate and appropriate your understanding so as to validate its addictions., and are not expressions of true understanding.

 

 

So, what to do? 

Go to the heart of the matter - the apparent separate self or the apparent veiling of Awareness. They are the same thing. 

Explore it both at the level of the mind, that is, the beliefs we have that seem to support the existence of a separate self. You have a good mind. Use it to explore your experience and come to your own conclusion. See that there is absolutely no experiential evidence for such a belief. This conviction will initiate a much deeper exploration of the sense of separation at the level of feelings which is the true residence of the apparent self.  Words wont be the best means to convey this deeper exploration and this is not the place to embark on it in detail. Suffice to say that without this deeper exploration, everything remains, in most cases, a belief, and not in your experience. You remain in a false state and its so false that even while your mind even in saying this is false, remains in a false state. The understanding should be experiential  and if not, the peace and happiness that is inherent in the true understanding will remain elusive and will inevitably compel further bouts of seeking. 

 

Having said that and in order to facilitate the above I would also recommend one simple physical ‘discipline. Lets take a mild form of addiction of watching porn as an example, as the addiction is mainly at the level of thoughts and feelings and does not have a lasting effect on the body which, in the case of drinking, smoking and drugs, is often irreparable or, at least, lasts long after the impulse to indulge them has been dissolved. 

 

Every time you feel the impulse to watch porn, just pause. Even if, to begin with, it is only for half a minute, put a little space between you and the fulfillment of the impulse. As time goes on this period of time can be extended until you find yourself always as this space, as it were.  

However, don’t expect this space to be peaceful to begin with - it probably won’t be! Most likely, the impulse (which is, in fact, the bare face of the separate self, the separate ‘I’ in its raw form) on finding that it is no longer relieved, will probably display itself in full force. It will rebel. 

Be attentive not only to the thoughts that will try to persuade you that your impulses are perfectly OK, that you will only do it one more time, that it is all an expression of Awareness, that there is nobody there doing it, etc., etc., but more importantly to all the uncomfortable feelings in the body that rise up, demanding to be acted upon and relieved. See that the thoughts all revolve around a separate entity that is, when sought, found to be non-existent. It is necessary in most cases to carry out this investigation at a rational level thoroughly, in order to come to this conviction. If this conviction has not been reached, the apparently separate ‘I’ will still be very much alive in your thoughts and you will not have the resolve to explore your feelings fully, as a result.  Relieved of the thoughts which seem to justify the existence of a separate entity, the feelings are exposed for what they are - raw bodily sensations. These bodily sensations are, in fact, neutral. They only acquire their apparent negativity (and hence their need to be avoided with addictive behaviour) when coupled with the belief in a separate self. Robbed of this belief they are seen for what they are, innocuous bodily sensations which, as such, have no power of us, that is, no power to make us act on their behalf. Being seen clearly is the one thing the apparent self and its entourage of strategic activity cannot stand. 

 

There may and probably will be tremendous resistance both in your thoughts and in your body to this gentle, non-interventive but firm approach. However, once the mechanism of the separate self, both at the level of the mind and at the level of the body, has been truly seen through, its foundation has been removed, and it is only a matter of time before the patterns of behaviour which depended upon its apparent existence for their survival, diminish and disappear. Having said that, these addictions are very powerful and in most cases this deep explorative approach is best facilitated over a period of time with one in whom peace and understanding are established. In the end it is not the exploration that facilitates the peace and understanding, but rather the peace and understanding which allows the investigation and exploration to unfold and slowly, in most cases, reabsorbs, as it were, the apparently separate self and all its patterns of thinking, feeling and acting, back into itself. 

 

One last thing: as we sit allowing these thoughts and, more importantly, uncomfortable feelings to arise, it is important not to have any subtle agenda with them, not to ‘do this’ in order to ‘get rid of them.’ That would be more of the same. Just allow the full panoply of thoughts and feelings to display themselves in your allowing and indifferent presence. In time their ferocity will die down, revealing subtler and subtler layers of thinking and feeling on behalf of a separate entity, until we come to the little, almost innocuous background thinking about which we were speaking earlier. This is the sense of separation, the ‘ego,’ in its apparently mildest and least easily detectable form. Be very sensitive to this. Be sensitive to the ‘avoidance of what is’ in its subtlest forms. It is the sweet, furry baby animal that later turns into a monster! As time goes on we become more and more sensitive and we see how much of our thinking and feeling, let alone our activities, are generated for the sole purpose of avoiding ‘what is,’ of avoiding the ‘this’ and the ‘now.’ It is this open, un-judging, un-avoiding, allowing of all things which, in time, restores the ‘I’ to its proper place in the seat of Awareness and which, as a natural corollary to this abidance in and as our true Self, gently realigns our thoughts, feelings and activities with the peace and happiness that is inherent in It.

 

With warmest wishes and love,

 

Joshua

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@swan_Joshua oh my god such a long and comprehensive post . I read all of it and will certainly implement what you said in no time . Truly appreciate your effort to help . Thanks a lot :)

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@swan_Joshua since you're here, I might as well ask some more questions.

I did a contemplation right now about the separate sense of self as you call it and contemplated the answer to this question of what I am and this time I got to sth different and realized that all I am and all I have of existence are only different sensations that I have,  different sensetaions from different parts of the body and the sensations of thoughts included as well cause I can see now that my thoughts are also sensations happing in the body and all of a sudden it all seemed like a wall in front of me, a wall between reality and my perceptions of it; like everything I have of reality being these sensations and not being able to go beyond that ; therefore any other human or object I interact with is just part of my sensations so in that sense I'm the same as them and everything I know of at any moment is another part of me and it can't be any other way cause if it was then I couldn't have accessed it so basically I am what I'm aware of or maybe the awareness itself which includes everything else so all there is, is awareness . am I in the right path here? Is this what's described as being one with everything else  ?

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Told you there was sth magical about music ; guess what ? I just read sth about the history of music boxes and in it, it also talks about impacts of music on the brain.

Back at the time of Aristotle the power of music was recognized and they wanted to use it as a treatment tool and after world war one it was actually considered a tool for treating injuries and in 19th century formal scientific research on the impacts of music was started. Music generally has three impacts on the brain : structure of the brain , brain chemistry and brain waves . it also prevents Alzheimer's disease . Isn't that sth !

So go on and buy music boxes for your loved ones ;)

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On 4/16/2018 at 3:56 PM, swan_Joshua said:

@sarapr

ABOUT ADDICTION AND MEANINGLESS-NESS OF LIFE

Addiction of any sort, be it to inappropriate sexual behaviour, alcohol, drugs, smoking or any milder form of behaviour, always has its origin in the belief and, more importantly, the feeling of being separate, limited and located. The most common form in which this belief and feeling of separation manifests is in the subtle and not-so-subtle rejection of the current situation - that is, “I don’t like what is going on” and “I want something other than what is going on.” These two attitudes - traditionally referred to as fear and desire - are the two faces of the apparent separate self. They are two of the most common forms of ‘resistance to what is.’ In other words, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’ via various objects, substances or experiences, are synonymous. These three states are, in fact, one and the same state and could also be called ‘ignorance’ or the ‘ignoring of the true nature of experience.’ Therefore, ‘the apparent separate entity,’ ‘resistance to what is,’ and ‘the search for happiness’ are incompatible with the experiential understanding of the non-dual nature of experience. 

So, let us go to the origin of this ‘resistance to what is’ because if we start anywhere else, for instance, if we were to start with a secondary cause, we would not be going to the root of the problem and, sooner or later, our search will reappear, often in a more virulent form. In fact, the term ‘addiction’ is used precisely to describe this more virulent form of the search that has become chronic and destructive. The origin of ‘resistance to what is,’ is the belief that what we are, Awareness, is limited to and located within a body. This imaginary identification of our Self with a limited object (which, upon investigation turns out, itself, to be imaginary) creates an apparent entity. The real ‘I’ of Awareness seems to become the limited ‘I’ of the imagined separate entity. That is, we think and feel that we are a body. 

This apparent entity, being apparently made out of an intermittent object is, by definition, unstable, always threatened with change and disappearance. Hence the fear that resides at its heart and its natural corollary, desire. The fear comes from the feeling that when this intermittent sensation (the form in which the body is appearing in this moment) disappears, ‘I’ will disappear with it. And the desire comes from the apparent need to substantiate this fleeting entity we believe and feel ourselves to be, in order to perpetuate its apparent existence. 

To begin with this fear and desire manifest in the most innocuous forms of behaviour, the most common of which is unnecessary thinking, the almost constant chatter or commentary that most of us are familiar with.This innocuous commentary is the simplest form of ‘the rejection of what is.’ It is the repetitive background chatter which ensures that attention is almost always diverted away from ‘what is.’ This is the primal addiction. ‘What is’ is deemed too boring, plain and uneventful to be worthy of attention and thinking provides an alternative dream world into which we can escape from the boredom or discomfort of the moment. One honest look at our thinking will show that the majority of it serves no practical, intelligent or creative purpose whatsoever. It is simply a sort of filler that serves to distract attention from the boredom of ‘what is.’

The vast majority of our thoughts about the past and future serve only to legitimise and perpetuate this type of thinking. However, precisely because this type of thinking is deemed innocuous (in the sense that it has no harmful effect on the body or on society) it passes, for the most part, unnoticed and is indeed encouraged by our culture in general. For this reason, it is the most common and effective form of addiction that almost everyone is engaged in, for the most part unknowingly. And therein lies its efficiency at keeping the sense of separation alive. Hence it is the perfect refuge for the apparently separate self. 

 

However, as we grow up this subtle thinking is no longer sufficient to keep the anxiety, dis-ease and discomfort of the sense of separation at bay and we begin to turn to stronger forms of avoidance. These stronger forms of avoidance are the common forms of addiction with which we are familiar - over working, over eating, excessive activity, addiction to money, excessive use of TV, excessive use of alcohol, smoking, drugs, pornography etc. etc. All these forms are simply strategies of avoidance - avoidance of ‘what is,’ avoidance of ‘this,’ avoidance of ‘now.’ They are the familiar refuges of the sense of a separate self. Society draws a line based on whether the addictive activity in question is of immediate danger to itself, as to the legitimacy of each of these activities, thereby condoning some and condemning others. 

However, from the point of view of ignorance, they are all simply strategies of avoidance and denial. In fact, each of them is simply a variation of the root avoidance - incessant thinking that revolves around the ‘I’ thought. If we go honestly, as you have done, to our experience, we will always find this thinking and its deeper counterpart in our feelings at the level of the body, underneath or behind all subsequent forms of addiction. It all begins with ‘I,’ the body. That is the root of all suffering which our addictions seek to alleviate. If society condemns one form of addiction more than another, for whatever reason, we may be persuaded to change horses, but in our hearts this fire of discomfort, avoidance and rejection, and its inevitable counterpart in the search for happiness (which is just another name for addiction) will continue. And we will not truly rest until we have gone to the root of the matter. 

 

 

To go to the root of the matter means to go to the source of the apparently separate ‘I,’ not just the belief of the separate ‘I’ but, more importantly, the feeling of such. It is only when the whole mechanism of the apparently separate self has been seen clearly in all its subtlety that we are free of it, that is, that Awareness stands ‘knowingly’ in and as Itself, un-apparently-veiled by the belief and feeling of separation. 

It is not enough, as you have discovered, to wash a veneer of “Oh well, everything is equally an expression of Awareness and therefore nothing matters” over our beliefs and feelings. This kind of superficial thinking is one of the safer refuges for the apparently separate self in those that have added a veneer of spirituality to their persona. The sense of separation is a master at appropriating anything for its own purposes of self-validation and justification, and superficial spirituality is one of its less easily detected forms. you should be aware to clearly and honestly see that this addiction is a symptom of a deeper and subtler malaise - that of the separate self. You should  clearly see that the mind’s attempts to justify this behaviour with convincing and seemingly watertight spiritual or rational or nihilistic arguments, all are basically means to manipulate and appropriate your understanding so as to validate its addictions., and are not expressions of true understanding.

 

 

So, what to do? 

Go to the heart of the matter - the apparent separate self or the apparent veiling of Awareness. They are the same thing. 

Explore it both at the level of the mind, that is, the beliefs we have that seem to support the existence of a separate self. You have a good mind. Use it to explore your experience and come to your own conclusion. See that there is absolutely no experiential evidence for such a belief. This conviction will initiate a much deeper exploration of the sense of separation at the level of feelings which is the true residence of the apparent self.  Words wont be the best means to convey this deeper exploration and this is not the place to embark on it in detail. Suffice to say that without this deeper exploration, everything remains, in most cases, a belief, and not in your experience. You remain in a false state and its so false that even while your mind even in saying this is false, remains in a false state. The understanding should be experiential  and if not, the peace and happiness that is inherent in the true understanding will remain elusive and will inevitably compel further bouts of seeking. 

 

Having said that and in order to facilitate the above I would also recommend one simple physical ‘discipline. Lets take a mild form of addiction of watching porn as an example, as the addiction is mainly at the level of thoughts and feelings and does not have a lasting effect on the body which, in the case of drinking, smoking and drugs, is often irreparable or, at least, lasts long after the impulse to indulge them has been dissolved. 

 

Every time you feel the impulse to watch porn, just pause. Even if, to begin with, it is only for half a minute, put a little space between you and the fulfillment of the impulse. As time goes on this period of time can be extended until you find yourself always as this space, as it were.  

However, don’t expect this space to be peaceful to begin with - it probably won’t be! Most likely, the impulse (which is, in fact, the bare face of the separate self, the separate ‘I’ in its raw form) on finding that it is no longer relieved, will probably display itself in full force. It will rebel. 

Be attentive not only to the thoughts that will try to persuade you that your impulses are perfectly OK, that you will only do it one more time, that it is all an expression of Awareness, that there is nobody there doing it, etc., etc., but more importantly to all the uncomfortable feelings in the body that rise up, demanding to be acted upon and relieved. See that the thoughts all revolve around a separate entity that is, when sought, found to be non-existent. It is necessary in most cases to carry out this investigation at a rational level thoroughly, in order to come to this conviction. If this conviction has not been reached, the apparently separate ‘I’ will still be very much alive in your thoughts and you will not have the resolve to explore your feelings fully, as a result.  Relieved of the thoughts which seem to justify the existence of a separate entity, the feelings are exposed for what they are - raw bodily sensations. These bodily sensations are, in fact, neutral. They only acquire their apparent negativity (and hence their need to be avoided with addictive behaviour) when coupled with the belief in a separate self. Robbed of this belief they are seen for what they are, innocuous bodily sensations which, as such, have no power of us, that is, no power to make us act on their behalf. Being seen clearly is the one thing the apparent self and its entourage of strategic activity cannot stand. 

 

There may and probably will be tremendous resistance both in your thoughts and in your body to this gentle, non-interventive but firm approach. However, once the mechanism of the separate self, both at the level of the mind and at the level of the body, has been truly seen through, its foundation has been removed, and it is only a matter of time before the patterns of behaviour which depended upon its apparent existence for their survival, diminish and disappear. Having said that, these addictions are very powerful and in most cases this deep explorative approach is best facilitated over a period of time with one in whom peace and understanding are established. In the end it is not the exploration that facilitates the peace and understanding, but rather the peace and understanding which allows the investigation and exploration to unfold and slowly, in most cases, reabsorbs, as it were, the apparently separate self and all its patterns of thinking, feeling and acting, back into itself. 

 

One last thing: as we sit allowing these thoughts and, more importantly, uncomfortable feelings to arise, it is important not to have any subtle agenda with them, not to ‘do this’ in order to ‘get rid of them.’ That would be more of the same. Just allow the full panoply of thoughts and feelings to display themselves in your allowing and indifferent presence. In time their ferocity will die down, revealing subtler and subtler layers of thinking and feeling on behalf of a separate entity, until we come to the little, almost innocuous background thinking about which we were speaking earlier. This is the sense of separation, the ‘ego,’ in its apparently mildest and least easily detectable form. Be very sensitive to this. Be sensitive to the ‘avoidance of what is’ in its subtlest forms. It is the sweet, furry baby animal that later turns into a monster! As time goes on we become more and more sensitive and we see how much of our thinking and feeling, let alone our activities, are generated for the sole purpose of avoiding ‘what is,’ of avoiding the ‘this’ and the ‘now.’ It is this open, un-judging, un-avoiding, allowing of all things which, in time, restores the ‘I’ to its proper place in the seat of Awareness and which, as a natural corollary to this abidance in and as our true Self, gently realigns our thoughts, feelings and activities with the peace and happiness that is inherent in It.

 

With warmest wishes and love,

 

Joshua

this is written so well and i appreciate you taking your time to write it out :) 

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I'm getting fat !!!!!:( :o

I can feel my belly against my shirt !!!! I never did before . it is because of PMS again . I had told my mom to buy me macca but she keeps forgetting it. When I have PMS, I get wild food cravings to the extend that all the family members actually notice me eating like a hulk . now I can understand what those fat people say about how it's so hard to lose weight . I never knew what food craving is cause I never actually enjoyed or liked eating in general and I was the same weight for years with one kilo going up each couple of years and that was mostly for my general growth not really fat gain but now I'm gaining weight so rapidly. However, after my PMS suddenly my eating behavior changes significantly like in a way that even if my stomach is hurting and it's totally empty I still don't have any desires to go and grab a snack or sth I just forget I have to eat and when I eat , I eat very halfheartedly like it's a chore. this whole cycle is so crazy that catches me by surprise each time.

It must feel really funny to be fat. like this new feeling of feeling my belly against my shirt, it's a new experience .:D 

I haven't been exercising either. I'm making a new decision, to workout in the mornings everyday .  

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I feel imprisoned. I always have. It's only me who feels that way and it is all because of my parents. they think they own me so now I gotta do whatever they couldn't when they were my age. it's like I'm their new project and all their effort is to make me succeed in whatever thing that they hadn't. I don't want to. I can't even be left alone for myself and it's all because of my mom. she is by far the most neurotic person I have ever known, well maybe there exists some worse people but as of now she's the worst and as soon as I was old enough to understand people's characters I made a vow to do everything exactly the opposite of my mom and that would be a gauranteed path to all the good stuff in life and it has actually worked pretty well for me so far but I can't stand what she's making me do. I am imprisoned by her in every fashion you can think of. ahh even when I look at her face I have all these bad reactions building up in me. I literary can't stand her and she notices that and to change it she makes herself even more disgusting to me. I Hate her , I really do. each time I read that book called the road less traveld, I burst into tears because of all the evil shit she's done to me as a result of her shitty psychology. I can't escape this even when I leave home to go to university somewhere they want to come with me. I guess the only way is that they die but then I'd feel even worse cause I do love her because she's my mom but I can't stand her behavior. it's so nerve racking I don't know how to set myself free. I know that she'll never change and until i live with them, I'll remain imprisoned and till then there's no fucking way out 

What a shitty life 

Edited by sarapr

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A new decision for me is to read a book every night, a fiction to help me get out of my own life for a moment and feel into some else's life. it's better 

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Let us proceed slowly through your description of your experience and try to explore it more thoroughly:  You say: “When you contemplate on your perceptions and sensations, you feel them and understand that concepts just translate what you feel and these concepts are not real.” 

 

Like you say, you feel there is a wall between reality and your perceptions of it. 

 

It is true that, as you say, thought translates or interprets these sensations and perceptions and forms a new concept out of them. These concepts are considered to be accurate descriptions of the reality of our experience in case of majority of people lives, including you a few days before (the sensation or the perception) but, in fact, they are not, as you have clearly seen now in your own experience. The concept simply abstracts an object such as a body, a person or a world from our experience and, as a natural corollary to this, abstracts a personal subject as the knower of the object. The object known and the subject that supposedly knows it are, in fact, both abstract superimpositions upon the reality of our experience. Neither are ever in fact experienced. The reality is something completely different. Although you are right in saying that these concepts are not real, in the sense that they do not describe the reality of our experience. However, thoughts, like sensations and perceptions have a reality to them. The reality of thought is the same as the reality of sensation and perception, and the reality of you and the reality of everything that is, it is the same infinite Consciousness, ever present, always knowing itself.

 

You feel that you are that which sees through the eyes of this body, hears through the ears of this body. 

 

It is true that you are that which sees, hears etc. However, you, Awareness, don’t see or hear through a body. In other words, Awareness is not located in a body, looking out through the eyes, or behind the ears hearing. The idea that we see through the eyes or hear through the ears is simply another mistaken interpretation by thought superimposed upon the reality of our experience.

Let us take the experience of hearing. Normally thought conceptualises a ‘me’ inside the head hearing a sound that is considered to be outside the head. Take a sound that you are hearing now, for instance, the traffic. And take the experience of the head, in which hearing is supposedly taking place. Our only experience of the head is a tingling mass of vibration. 

Now is it your actual experience that the sound of the traffic is taking place inside the tingling vibration we call ‘the head?’ I would say Go directly to the experience. Or rather is it your experience that the tingling vibration called the ‘sound of traffic’ and the tingling vibration call the ‘head’ both appear in Awareness? Or we can ask ourselves, do we experience the Awareness that is hearing the sound of the traffic as being located in the tingling mass of vibration called ‘the head?’ In other words do we experience Awareness inside a sensation but outside a perception? In order to find the answer try to look at this Awareness…..do you know where to look for it, can you see it or find it? No! Whilst Awareness is undeniably present, it cannot be located anywhere. Therefore it is our simple, direct experience that Awareness is not located in the sensation we call the head and therefore it is also our simple experience that hearing, which takes place in Awareness, is also not located in the head. Our only experience of the head is through sensing and our only experience of the sound of the traffic is through hearing, and sensing and hearing both take place in the same place, that is, in the placeless place of Awareness. 

In fact, it is not even true to say that hearing and sensing take place in Awareness. Rather, Awareness as it were, takes the shape of sensing and hearing from time to time. 

Awareness then takes the shape of a thought which conjures up a fairy tale about an individual entity that lives inside the head which hears a sound which supposedly takes place in an imagined space outside the head. However, this fairy tale doesn’t change the fact of our experience which is that there is only Awareness, which sometimes takes the shape of thinking, sensing and perceiving, thereby giving birth to the appearance of the mind, body and world.

 

so basically I am what I'm aware of or maybe the awareness itself which includes everything else so all there is, is awareness . am I in the right path here? Is this what's described as being one with everything else  ?

 

Whatever it is that is seeing these words and experiencing whatever else is being experienced is what we refer to as Consciousness or Awareness. That is what we intimately know ourselves to be. First of all ask yourself if you can see, feel or touch the Consciousness that you know yourself to be and that is seeing these words? And if the answer is no, then how do you know that it is located inside your body. After all, your body is just a cluster of sensations and perceptions with a concept attached to it. Do you find Consciousness inside this cluster of sensations or perceptions, or inside a concept? Don’t be too quick to answer with a yes or no. Go deeply into your experience. Take each sensation as it appears and see if you can locate Consciousness in it. 

Now take this sensation that you call ‘me’ the body and compare it with a perception that you call ‘not me,’ for instance the sound of the traffic. Ask yourself whether the sensation is closer to that which knows it, that is, to Consciousness, than the perception. See that both take place equally close to Consciousness, that neither is closer to or further from Consciousness than the other. If you go even more deeply into each of these experiences you will see that the sensation called ‘me,’ ‘my body,’ is made only out of sensing and the sound of ‘the traffic’ is made only out of hearing. And if you go deeply into the experience of sensing and hearing you will find no substance there other than Consciousness. Therefore it will be your own direct, intimate and immediate experience that sensing (the body), which we call ‘me,’ and hearing (the sound of traffic) which we call ‘not me,’ are in fact made out of exactly the same ‘stuff,’ that is, they are made out of Awareness, myself. 

Explore your experience very deeply in this way, taking time with everything that seems to be both ‘me’ and ‘not me,’ and you will find that there is and has always only ever been one substance in your experience, Consciousness, and that one substance is simultaneously that which knows and that which is known. In other words to know something and to be that thing are the same experience. It is not enough to understand this intellectually. We have to explore our sensations and perceptions as well as our thoughts if we want to FEEL this rather than just KNOW this. It is the patient, detailed exploration of our actual experience that makes this understanding come into life.

All negative feelings associated with the separate self such as boredom, anxiety, fear , etc. comprise of a bodily sensation plus a psychological element, i.e a thought in which the separate ‘I’ entity is always present as a belief, either implicitly or explicitly. These two elements, the ‘I’ thought in the mind and the ‘I’ feeling in the body, are the two aspects of ignorance….the belief that I am separate and the feeling that I am separate. Of these two, the feeling that I am separate is by far the larger component. It manifests as uncomfortable feelings and, more subtly, as the apparently innocuous sense of being located here in and/or as a body, sitting in a chair, looking out through the eyes etc. So you have to investigate the beliefs, both at the level of the mind, that we harbour about being a separate individual and also explore the feelings at the level of the body, that seem to confirm and substantiate such beliefs, which is basically what true meditation is all about.

Once it is clear both in the realm of our thoughts and in the realm of our feelings, all that remains is to live this experiential understanding from moment to moment. 

 

Live as the Consciousness or Awareness that you know yourself to be. Take your stand as that. Think as that, feel as that and act as that. In so far as you feel you choose or decide anything, do so on behalf of this impersonal, unlocated presence of Awareness. As much as possible, before thinking, feeling or doing anything, take your stand first as this Awareness. BE it knowingly and then think, feel and act as that. 

Live this understanding. 

And you wouldn’t want anything else in life. 

Just this understanding.

And the bliss and contentment that comes with this.

No material desire can even begin to compare with the happiness and love that is in the knowing of - Our Own Being - Our Own Swaroop.

It takes time though.  And a little effort as well. It's not a matter of time. It doesn't matter how much time it will take. It all depends on your doings - what you have done in the past, how you are doing now and what your nature is. It all depends upon that. How much pure and natural you are from inside, that much faster it will come to you. This is because only your false identity and your false ego are stopping you from understanding your true self. This is so deep in you that even while you are saying that this is false, still you are in the false state. Reality is something very different and people don't know how to handle it. Meditation helps. So does contemplations like these on a forum.

 

With love,

Joshua

 

@sarapr @sarapr

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