Need help with addiction

[Jedd]

Hey guys wondering if you guys had any plans to coping with addictions such as obsessive thoughts & porn that is taking up so much of my time and energy. I've done the life purpose course and even watched Leos Videos on addiction but haven't yet had a breakthrough with these 2 things. I've had alot of time on my hands lately and apart from when I'm at the gym I struggle please help.

[Shin]

Join NoFap on reddit and the forum.

If you can beat PMO, you'll be able to beat any other addiction.

Start a meditation habit, it will help with both PMO and your obsessive thoughts.

Edited February 4, 2018 by Shin

[Vaishnavi]

One thing I've personally realised is that it's not the thing itself that is the problem but the mind, and your relation to that thing. Even if you manage to work on say your porn addiction by going on a "No-Fap challenge", I mean that's cool but eventually your addiction will manifest in something else (say in eating bagels or watching YouTube) the mind's very sneaky. I realised this with my internet addiction. I thought social media is a problem and therefore deleted my accounts but eventually it manifested itself in binge watching YouTube (and when I left that, it manifested itself in Television) So the thing is why? Why do you have it in the first place? Doing some deep self inquiry might help. Also when life lacks meaning and quality relationships, it tries to numb the mind with substances. My neighbour's addicted to shopping which manifests itself in eating crap and gossiping and then again shopping. She has to numb her mind in some way you see? So porn is not necessarily the meat of the problem, it's your mind. 

Above anything, mindfulness is the key. It's so underappreciated that it's a shame. Being mindful while you're engaged in your addiction will blow your mind. 

[Jedd]

@Vaishnavi 

16 hours ago, Vaishnavi said:

Why do you have it in the first place?

My best explanation as to why would be my unemployment and feeling like I need to eat the elephant in 1 bite so to speak. I've really just had quite a victim mindset at times and haven't devoted myself to much apart from the gym, my girlfriend and now my certificate 3 in fitness. So yeah the devil does his work when your hands are empty and for me its when I'm out of work or feeling beaten. I know it won't last forever but it does suck when you know you could be doing so much better for yourself.

[christianblake]

I'm on the same boat as you @Jedd. I'm really trying to elevate my life to the next level, but the laziness and the addictions (porn, youtube, social media) are consuming me. Today I had an amazing first half. Woke up conscious, motivated, and pushed through resistance easily.

But things started to change halfway through the day after getting a bunch of tasks done. I started to feel really negative. It happened very subtly but luckily I was aware enough to see what was going on. There wasn't really any mental chatter but it was my usual anxiety, fear of being, alone and abandoned by my girlfriend and friends that started to set in. This "anxiety" is something I've been battling for the few years. But this is what started the landslide of 2 hours of youtube and then 2 hours of porn that I just went through. As I watched more videos, and "zoned out" it just got harder and harder to regain consciousness.

Maybe this can shed some light on your issue? It doesn't seem like I just naturally crave youtube or porn as an addiction, but maybe it's a way to escape, as @Vaishnavi was pointing to? I'm still working on this, and my plan is to continue to stay conscious and journal what happens even if I have a shitty day.

[Jedd]

@christianblake Yeah I can relate I've found since doing the life purpose course my anxiety has lowered especially during difficult times such as being unemployed etc before taking the course I'd get insomnia during these really rough periods. I would go up to 2 days without being able to sleep for a period of a month until I found tools to cope with this such as reading calming books, taking magnesium and going to a meditation class etc. Since taking the course this insomnia has been non existent and my anxiety has lowered just thought I'd share and was wondering if you've taken the course?

[christianblake]

@Jedd I have. It was a life changing product for me. I discovered I want to be a counselor / therapist of some sort, helping people overcome problems and issues in their life, and actualizing their true self. I’ve started college for my degree in counseing because of it. 7-8 year commitment because of the course, haha (bachelors + masters).

My addictive behavior is my biggest obstacle rn, and being invested in my career path has given me more motivation understand the nature of addictions within me so I can help others. So yes, having identified my life purpose has allowed me to push through a lot of my addictive behavior.

But I still find my addictions to be such a pervasive problem, even with having a life purpose. So I am dedicating all my effort now to overcoming this.

 

[Vaishnavi]

On 2/6/2018 at 0:31 PM, Jedd said:

I know it won't last forever

careful. The mind's way too crafty and manipulative. You never know how it manifests itself in different forms, marriage, following the pattern, food, being neurotic about health, it will manifest itself in anything at all. Self deception's real. 

 

[Truth Seekah]

On 2/4/2018 at 8:25 AM, Jedd said:

coping with addictions such as obsessive thoughts & porn that is taking up so much of my time and energy

 

[MiracleMan]

3 hours ago, Truth Seekah said:

 

Love your avatar, fan of Douglas Harding?

@Jedd Nofap is a good place to start, but if it isn't for you, you can consider SAA.  The reason that program works is exactly what Alan Watts is referring to in the video that @Truth Seekah linked.  All 12 steps are derived from AA, and they are amazing programs for spiritual awakening.  NoFap has worked for a lot of guys, I couldn't do it on my own so I got help through a sponsor and the fellowship of the program, I've talked to guys and gals who have had years of sobriety through no effort of their own, through a higher power, which mine is conscious awareness, aka God in my understanding.  It's still a lot of hard work whether you go through nofap or a 12 step, or your own path.  In this sense, all roads lead home.  Best of luck, and I hope you realize relief friend.

P.S.  whatever path you choose, even nofap, I would enlist the aid of another who has some sobriety under their belt, it's not required but it helps so much, you cannot understand presently what a lifeline it is.  This person, whether its a sponsor, a group, an accountability partner, can literally pour energy into you, it goes beyond anything you could discuss in words, and in my opinion, the most important aspect of kicking this addiction.

I got a lot of good advice from Paul Hedderman, who was a coke addict and alcoholic, he pulls a lot gems from AA and also ACIM, he really helps with a lot of pitfalls and traps along the path. 

 

Edited February 10, 2018 by MiracleMan

[GrowingUp]

If you want to stop any addiction, the way out is through. Addiction is simply repeating something that distracts you from what you're currently feeling. Usually the thing you choose as an addition releases dopamine in the brain - so you feel pleasure. Since the brain's limbic system wants to minimize pain and maximize pleasure (and do it efficiently), things like drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. are the perfect fit. 

For example, if you feel bad - the older part of our brain - wants to not feel bad. Bad = death to the older, stronger, faster part of the brain. So you have a few go-to's that work for getting out of feeling bad. Porn, food, etc. Distraction. If you're busy doing something, that's the distraction. When you're not busy, here comes the psychological "pain" - and you have some efficient go-to items to distract you, release dopamine, etc. Do it enough times, and it becomes a habit - because the brain is good at habituating actions that are rewarded. The brain says "This thing is a solution to pain - so let's do it often when we feel pain". People believe that addiction is a problem - but for the brain, addiction is a solution to pain. And the "pain" in this situation is how you're feeling.

Back to the solution: The way out is through.

Or, as Marcus Aurelius said, “The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”

What stands in your way is your ability to allow and feel all of your feelings. You're distracting yourself from your human experience.

Instead of distracting yourself with pleasure-inducing things - lean into what you're feeling in the moment. Don't resist it. Don't distract from it. Really feel it. Name it. Think about how it feels in your body. Feel the sensations. See the thoughts. And let it be.

The feeling will pass - and your brain will start to see that it can feel strong emotions and strong urges without "death". And, if it's a habituated activity, it may return again - this time more powerfully. But you ride those waves of emotion ... sitting in them ... and letting them flow in and out. No distraction. No TV. No running off to the gym. Just sitting in that feeling so you - maybe for the first time - see what the experience of this feeling is an an observer - and not as a human avoiding pain.

Something interesting happens as you do this - your strong painful emotions may to start to weaken:

As Alan Watts said, "One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious"

Then - if whenever any feeling comes up ... "good", "bad", or neutral ... you will have practiced that the feeling comes and goes of its own accord - without needing a solution. Just as thoughts come and go naturally - so do feelings. And you find you can feel sad, lonely, bored, disappointed, nervous, anxious, unworthy, unloved, etc. - and those feelings well up... and then they go away.

When we deny our human experience with distraction (often because we think no one else is having this same painful human experience) - we think we're doing something wrong or something is wrong with us - so we need to get rid of it fast. And a fast distraction is anything people get addicted to.

If you'll just develop the skill of feeling all of your feelings - I can promise you that you won't need to distract yourelf - because you'll see there's no real monster to run from. When you stop resisting your feelings, you release their hold on you. 

Give it a shot. It's how I released my addiction - and how I help my clients do the same.

[Happy]

I would suggest you check it with someone obejective that can offer you some soultions from the 'side'.. actually I addicted to games and betting before as well and I found this free trial program to helped myself how to get rid of it, would suggest you check at: https://mentorself.com

[Jedd]

On 11/02/2018 at 6:31 AM, GrowingUp said:

The feeling will pass - and your brain will start to see that it can feel strong emotions and strong urges without "death". And, if it's a habituated activity, it may return again - this time more powerfully. But you ride those waves of emotion ... sitting in them ... and letting them flow in and out. No distraction. No TV. No running off to the gym. Just sitting in that feeling so you - maybe for the first time - see what the experience of this feeling is an an observer - and not as a human avoiding pain.

@GrowingUp Would meditation be a good idea and if so would you recommend meditating in the same room the urges come up or start off elsewhere until you are ready to face it head on?

[Vipassana]

Cold showers

[GrowingUp]

@Jedd Meditation is a good idea. If you want to allow the urges, putting yourself in the situation where you feel the urges gives you an opportunity work with the urges, including using meditation. 

Also remember that you either win or learn in this process. The only wrong way to do it - is to believe there is a right way.

If you try to allow the urge through meditation - or simply by feeling it fully, naming it, and describing it to yourself (a solid process) - and you still respond to the urge, that's not a failure. That's a learning opportunity. You look back at what you tried, look at what worked, what didn't, and then you create a new plan. Plan B. Rinse, repeat.

Allowing urges is like any skill - it may take time to master. If you try something and it doesn't work as you had planned - and you beat yourself up - you're creating more psychological pain that your brain will want to solve with... you guessed it... your addiction. So instead of trying to "beat yourself up better" ... simply look at it from a scientific view, see what worked, learn from what didn't, and try again. And again. From Plan A to Plan ZZZ.

Then you'll start to get positive results, bring the control back from your "chimp brain" to your thinking brain, and see that those specific urges disipate completely. 

It's all a process - and worth the time you invest in it and yourself.

Be kind to yourself. There's no value in thinking you're wrong, bad, broken, etc. You're just a human with an addiction that you're working to resolve - like about a bajillion other humans.

[GrowingUp]

By the way - as an aside - when you've allowed yourself to feel your urges without responding to them - you may discover that you were simply distracting yourself from negative feelings caused by your thinking about a "problem" you may have.

For example, some of my clients drink because they're lonely and have no relationship. So they create a drinking problem as they try to distract themselves from the psychological pain of loneliness. When we get them to a place where they can feel loneliness without drinking - well, guess what... they still don't have a relationship.

So I explain... "The Fastest Way to Escape a Problem is to Solve It".

In a client's case without a relationship, that becomes their new goal - and they take massive action toward that new goal.

You might discover that after you've figured out your addiction - that you, too, have a foundational problem that was causing you psycholigical pain. If so, that's a perfect time to solve it. (If you already have an idea of what that problem is - you might just solve it now WHILE you're working through feeling your feelings).

Just an additional point. I don't know your entire story - but this is common with my clients.

[Jedd]

@GrowingUp My addiction involves humiliation which also seems to be a fear of mine.

[GrowingUp]

Everyone is trying to free themselves from the human experience. "If only I didn't feel humilation or rejection or unworthiness, I would all right". But the reality is - you are all right - WITH your feelings of humiliation, rejection, unworthiness, unloveability, etc.

There's nothing to transcend.

When we resist pain ... when you feel humiliation and you resist it ... you create suffering. And the mind wants to distract itself from suffering. So you go back into your addictive behavior. All addictive behavior stems from human beings trying to distract themselves from their human experience.

Instead - embrace it. Open up to it. Accept your feelings. Accept your human experience. And in that acceptance is the path to releasing your addiction. When you befriend yourself ... all parts... the joy and the humilation ... the happy and the sad... the validation and the humilation... then there's no need to distract from any of it. You are now a whole, complete human. Sometimes you feel great, sometimes you feel like ass - and you realize - "Nothing has gone wrong here. I'm having a human experience."

When you feel humilation, don't try to cover it up. Sit in it. Lean into it. Connect with it. Say to yourself "I'm feeling humiliation and I can feel this". Ride the wave of feeling humiliated - and then you may notice it dissipate. It may be replaced by a feeling of dissapointment. Or worry. Or fear. Or something neutral. Maybe boredom. Or exhaustion. And then that feeling changes into something else. Maybe a new wave of humiliation. Or loneliness. But once you start to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings without distraction - you see that all feelings are transitory. 

Right now, they persist - because you resist them. What we resist, persists. The more you push it away, the more engaged you are with it. Let all of your feelings - positive and negative - just be. And something interesting may (or may not) happen:

As Alan Watts said "One is a great deal less anxious if one feels perfectly free to be anxious"

You don't have a porn problem. Your porn addiction is simply a symptom of your resisting your uncomfortable feelings.

Stop thinking about solving your porn problem - and start getting okay with feeling any and every feeling you have without resisting, escaping, distracting, or avoiding.

When you've done that, your porn addiction will quit you.