ElenaO

Lost

167 posts in this topic

OK, I completely fell off the wagon. I fell back into the trap of comfortable life. 
And it's easy to live like that. But there's also some deep dissatisfaction with life. You know you are not living up to your potential. 

I went for a trip/hike today and I loved the fact that I could speak out almost anything and people would at least pretend to listen. I often do not express myself enough in situations where there's fairly new people. Or in situations where  I am afraid they won't listen and just ignore me saying anything. I also loved that I didn't care so much and didn't try to please people.

What I decided to do is eat only Paleo from now on. No matter how costly that would be. And if that means I'd need to buy from salad bar all day long, so be it. 

I'd also want to analyze my motivations more. Anything I do. Let's say I want to lose weight. Or why I am trying to force myself to do that piece of work. What is behind it?

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I didn't meditate today at all. But I went for a 7-hour meditation course yesterday. So I guess it evens out. 
I'll commit to do an hour of meditation tomorrow. I also feel that breathwork is more powerful for me. I tend to release more then and in vipassana I mostly concentrate my attention and only sometimes get moments of light release. It's not even close to what I experience in my breathwork sessions. It's probably expected. I don't really hear people crying in vipassana sessions. 
I'll try dynamic breathworks this week and will update my findings here.
Of the hard things I've done today. Being open with my friend. Even though if she wouldn't be receptive, I probably wouldn't have opened up to her either. And not eating cookies while at a cafe. However, I ate too much of a dip. Which makes me think I need to start planning my meals as much as I can, so they are more balanced and leading to losing weight instead of gaining. 
I may try to eat tomorrow less fat (not to say that fat is bad, it's actually very healthy), more protein and even more greens. Like 70% greens. I'll probably be hungry, but will eat a few eggs in the evening to get rid of that hunger. 

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I have had quite a few tough weeks. I am fighting the binge eating, being stressed out at work, and being anxious because of the virus. Luckily, I don't stress much because of the latter one anymore. I do not check news, because I know there's nothing good to see there (well, I never read the news before anyway). 

People annoy me. Which is not sometimes true in regular situations, but the feeling is much much stronger right now. 

People with dogs annoy me especially. They walk their dogs in downtown of a city where there's no green at all. Plus, their dogs get in the way. How selfish you have to be to have a dog in downtown where there's no place to walk it. If you ask me, they must pay higher taxes. Period.

I am also annoyed at my therapist. She missed my session, because she was double booked. Yet, at the previous session she mentioned that any missing or late cancellation will cost me a fortune. And she said she has strict rules, meaning she will still charge even if you are sick. The irony. She herself missed her session. I also do not feel comfortable telling her that. And I am annoyed at myself for it. 

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@ElenaO  It's @Nahm's thread on how to use a dry erase for goal setting and manifesting. It changed my life.

You basically write your wants on the board and then reality brings it. I can't even list how many things have come true from writing it on my board. 

Nahm has a huge thread on it with like over 100 posts I highly recommend checking it out and using it asap.

Also, if you don't mind me asking. How much do you pay for your therapist?

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@Raptorsin7 Nice, I haven't seen the thread. Do you mind posting a link here?  I just bought a new whiteboard btw :D so funny.

My work provides me with 20 psychotherapy sessions a year for free.
Otherwise I wouldn't have gone at all. I live in Seattle and prices are crazy high here. 
She mentioned that she would charge me 150 dollars (!) if I miss her session. So I guess that's her rate. Should I charge her that now that she missed my session :D  

 

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@ElenaO  Here's the thread. 

Do you have the option of switching therapists? I feel like it's very important to be fully honest and transparent with your therapist. Developing a strong connection with another human being is an important part of therapy. 

I'm in Vancouver so we're not too far apart, therapists are really expensive here too.

 

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Thanks so much for the link @Raptorsin7 ! Appreciate it. I'll check it out. 
I can switch therapists but I think the issue is more about me than her. At least for now. I need to be more assertive and tell things that bother me. 
Do you go to therapy yourself? How has your experience been?

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I had my therapy session today and told my therapist that I did not like her missing my session. Also told her that the relationship isn't fair, because she isn't accountable and I am. She was not defensive, maybe just a smidge, but accepted all what I was saying. It was a relief. But at the end I left with a feeling that throughout the whole session she was too agreeable with me. Even in cases she didn't have to. So I am wondering if that was all for saving the clientbase. I also did not like that she was kind of pushy with the times we would speak next. Oh well, I can always cancel if I feel it's not necessary to have a session. Wonder if she's going to question that.

 

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@ElenaO

18 hours ago, ElenaO said:

Do you go to therapy yourself? How has your experience been?

  I have been to therapy, but personally I didn't find it that useful.

I've been working with @Nahm for the past few months and it's been the greatest decision I ever made on the path. 

I feel like our convos are basically what I would do with a therapist, with the added bonus that he's enlightened so he can basically cover all areas of improvement in life.

Imo, working with him is worth 100x what working with a therapist is worth. 

You could also do both therapy and work with Nahm because he operates based on donation, so he could be cheaper than a therapist too.

 

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@Raptorsin7 Really appreciate the kind words & hearing the impact our convo’s have had. Feels great.  ♥️ Thanks! 

@ElenaO If you ever wanna chat, even just to ‘try it out’, let me know, happy to. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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Today I had sort of a lazy day, because of not sleeping well last night and after my 45 minute meditation I just went with the flow. The meditation is essential to my happiness. But! Only if I do it consciously. Not automatically. I need to set intention and be vigilant of what I am doing. It's easy to spend the time just drifting into thoughts. I also notice how much of a problem I have with my concentration recently, so I'll have to find ways to work on that. I am doing concentration practices now and then but it's not enough.

I went for a walk in the evening and the city was so stunningly beautiful. Especially the waterfront. And I started crying. I think it was due to all the stress and emotions I've been holding off. I am amazed (and glad) that I could cry like this. I would never have done this maybe a year ago. I feel  it's because I am more open to my emotions now. I do breathwork and vipassana (though pretty loosely), so I think these have had an influence on me. 

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I meditated only 30 minutes today and I noticed the difference. I wasn't as sharp at noticing things. I also think this also happening when I am sitting at the computer. I become unconscious when I work.

The good news is that I did not binge today. Yeees! I committed in the morning when I woke up that I'll enter the foods I am going to eat into myfitnesspal and then just eat what's in there. And reminded myself of why am I doing it. It worked! Planning and committing - those are the keys. 

Tomorrow I want to wake up relatively early and do 45min - 1h meditation. Then edit my latest post for my blog. And only after get to work.  

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I'll start posting here what went well and what could have been better. 

+ I did not binge (big one, I see that if  I plan things beforehand it's hard to binge. All is needed a plan of what I'll eat)

+ wrote some paragraphs for my blog

What could be better:

- wake up earlier so that I have time to lay in bed, read, relax

- meditation for 1 hour, instead of shorter periods

- closing slack, mail, and focus on finishing a task before continuing with the next

 

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Hey, my blog is public, but it's in Russian :D 
 

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I am running away from discomfort. It's actually funny - I sometimes observe myself on how vigorously I am trying to avoid the pain. There's a LOT of resistance in me.  Alas, that's my usual state. I became aware of this only recently. After my vipassana retreat I had very little resistance in doing anything, almost none. I was able to get rid of this state once after the retreat again. I just went through a day of massive psychological pain. Then suddenly it wasn't as bad doing things. 

It's so hard to push yourself to that limit. Usually it's external circumstances that get me to that limit. I wonder how I could craft that so that I would have no way out. 

Went well:
+ 1 hour meditation

+ woke up relatively early, will try to repeat tomorrow if not dead-tired

+ finished a few things for work

+ learned a few new English words with a friend. I thought it was fun discussing and learning together. 

Could be better:
- immerse myself in resistance, not run away

- slacked on breathwork

- reconcile with the idea of hard work for good life. 

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Oh my, so much resistance. I feel it in my chest.

What went well:

- set with it for a period of time, could purge a little of it

- managed to finish one ticket at work that was unclear and complicated in my opinion, required quite a lot of fight with resistance

- managed to restrain myself from eating compulsively today

- learned (or more brought them out from memory) a few more words I could use in the future (feeble, affable, exquisite, immaculate, spotless, fiercely). I've become somewhat lazy with my language, need to improve my vocabulary. 

- did 10 minutes labeling meditation + 30 minutes anapana

 

What could be better:

- do 1 hour meditation split in between morning and evening, plus the labeling

- sit with resistance for longer periods of time

- I am reactive mostly. It's annoying, but it is what is. I am definitely not a in good place right now. Need more grounding.

 

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