Strange Experience

[Samuel Garcia]

I came back to my dorms tonight and felt very lonely as usual. This time I felt really deeply into the suffering I feel. I cried and felt emotions fully. I cried for about 30 mins was lying on my bed and began to roll around side to side crying. As the minutes passed I stopped crying and continued to roll around more and more viciously and my arms were waving around viciously hit. I started to roll around faster as I began to grunt but I just let this energy flow through my body and i could have stopped it if i wanted to. I soon fell over my bed on to the ground and continued to roll side to side and my hands were hitting the floor and I some how ended up at the end of my room and my hands were bashing the door of the ensuite bathroom in the room quite hard now which hurt my hands as my body tried to roll in but it couldn't fit through the door. Eventually i stopped and was completely exhausted and just lied there.

What happened? I wouldn't say I feel at peace now, and just threw up. I know this feeling of being deeply unloved remains. What was this energy which took over my body which kept on rolling side to side. Can anyone explain or give advice?

Edited January 9, 2018 by Samuel Garcia

[Sahil Pandit]

@Samuel Garcia Sounds like you had some pent up emotions from the past built up that needed to be released.

Reflect on it, and think about where the energy is located perhaps??

[h inandout]

I just learned about this thing called TRE (trauma releasing exercises).  It seems like kind of an intuitive bodily release of trauma, and the TRE method helps you invoke that state intentionally.   Sounds like you are a little bit freer today?

[Samuel Garcia]

@h inandout I don't feel much freer. In the past few weeks I did a solo 7 day retreat where I felt into this loneliness and got some energy out. Then I did a mushroom trip and I was screaming and crying for 2 hours as the trauma and fear of being alone and unloved came out.

But after all this exhaustion and emotion, I still feel no different if I'm truly honest. I just feel like I have run out of options now to overcome suffering. I don't know what to do now -- Maybe 5 meo? 

[Alex K]

I think you do a lot to empty yourself from negative stuff, but you lack depositing positive stuff. Try Emotional Healing guide, self love.

[DocHoliday]

@Samuel Garcia @Alex K Self love is a good thing, but in Samuel's situation I'd completely understand it if that would be extremely hard to implement, since there is just such a sheer lack of love and compassion and just this incapacity to feel accepted and embraced (at least that's what I assume is going on for you, isnt it Samuel?). It really kind of hurts having to read this, I'm totally feeling with you bro... Even though this is not what will resolve all of your problems in the end, since you're in a co-dependent state in regards to the need for love and compassion (which is totally fine at the moment, I really don't want to judge or critise anything here), what will most likely help you is to find someone who can give you true, unconditional love so you can "restore" that emotion inside you, and building upon that basis, then you can go and apply lots and lots of self-love, I guess. I wish you all the best! This forum has got your back, mate.  

[zazed]

Accept reality fully. What is is. Sadness and loneliness and suffering are feelings that you can experience. 
They can become a lot, they can become unbearable to your mind. This can influence your body, i have had anxiety attacks in the past, which are different but similar.

It is not a failure on your part, it is not something you need to fix. Allow yourself to be as you are. 
It is only the mind that disagree's with what is. Feelings are not inherently unbearable, if you investigate a feeling in great detail, it becomes an abstract thing. Life can suck, and will induce feelings. There is no need to fix this, Now is Now, but time passes for the body.

Good luck. We love you! 

 

[DocHoliday]

I hope you can understand fully what is meant here by zazed. I know this acceptance-thing of embracing reality as it is, seems to be a quite recurring theme here among many subjects, but it's important to understand the mechanics behind that. To evolve into the state of accepting reality as it is, really means moving from a state of re-action to a state of pro-action. What this means is simply that right now you're in a strong state of reactivity to your emotions and to your surrounding social environment (which is totally fine, again). To accept reality as it is means, moving onwards to the state of pro-activity where you are the one who's in charge and no longer the circumstances and situations you find youreslf in. Depending on how severe your state is, moving into pro-activity can be a quite challenging thing for many people to do, since they are so immersed in their victim-mentality that they often just find themselves to be lacking the resources to make that move. @zazed This exact deep immersion is also what will hinder most to "accept themselves as they are", because they simply don't want to accept themselves as who they (currently) are. This is what's problematic with non-duality and people who engage in it and perhaps even become enlightened at some point. When you're enlightenment is still fresh and you're still figuring non-duality out for yourself, it becomes challenging at times to "backwards-relate" to people who simply aren't on the same experiential page with an enlightened being. So sure, from the enlightened perspective it is very easy to say "reality is as it is" and that is surely absolutely true, but people who just can't really relate to how this is meant, aren't receptive to it and therefore, this will have absolutely no affect on them. I've learned a whole lot about this from Teal Swan because that's exactly what she's doing most of the time in her videos wonderfully well - she's reaching back into the perspectives of all of those, who aren't enlightened yet and helps them with what they really need. This is what I personally really appreciate her for the most. 

Additional note in regard to Teal Swan: Even though her explanations from time to time seem to be a bit vague and "out-there", she generally addresses the core issue at hand quite well I think, so my suggestion would be, take whatever you need and can relate to and leave out the rest for further contemplation in the future perhaps.

Edited January 13, 2018 by DocHoliday

[Samuel Garcia]

@DocHoliday

1 hour ago, DocHoliday said:

Self love is a good thing, but in Samuel's situation I'd completely understand it if that would be extremely hard to implement, since there is just such a sheer lack of love and compassion and just this incapacity to feel accepted and embraced

Yes! The only problem is that I feel that there is nobody out there to give me unconditional love because who will accept my neediness, suffering and loneliness? I am very open about this to people too. I've just never come across many people I connect with despite having good social skills. I just feel thought people and girls are just unattractive to this loneliness and suffering that I feel. So I believe I am alone in this.

Yes, it is easy to say accept reality as it is -- and I am trying to do that by letting my emotions arise in my body. But I don't know how to stop suffering here. So I am trying to contemplate it and become conscious of it with the help of mushrooms. I just feel the more I contemplate the suffering and the more I do psychedelics, the more I feel the suffering and I am learning about it -- but will I ever overcome it? I feel maybe feel doing higher doses is the way or doing more powerful psychedelics is the only way out here.

[DocHoliday]

@Samuel Garcia Might be true, and that's a really big "might" right there. I "suffered" from depression and loneliness as well at some point in my life and at that time I haven't even heard of psychadelics, not really. In a sense you are cursed and blessed at the same time, because also for me my depressive period ultimately gave rise to my "breakthrough" enlightenment experience at some point.
There are essentially two ways for you:
1. You will become so agitated and frustrated after some time that you will become borderline-suicidal. Then, you either kill yourself (seriously) oooor....
2. you will realise that all of this is a stupid joke that you're telling yourself, a simple ridiculous game that you're playing with yourself and yourself only, and you will see reality with absolute clarity, kind of like Eckhart Tolle - Style. 

If it will be something in the middle of those two extremes you will continue to oscillate between them because you didn't find "the means to an end", or in other words, you didn't find peace of mind - no satisfaction. So, it's either "rest in peace for you" or "no mind". SInce you're already on the forum and seem to have a respectable degree of self-awareness, chances are quite high, it will probably be the "no mind" alternative for you, but there will be no easy way out...even when you get to the no-mind state, you will (most likely, given your current situation) only reach it through the experience of great suffering. It will most likely occur when you get to a point where you realise for yourself so deeply and profoundly that just nothing matters anymore AT ALL! Life will seem so meaningless and synical to you that you will think to yourself "my god, what differnce does it make if I just kill myself right now or continue on living?". As I said, it's that borderline area that you will probably have to go to if nothing else works, so - yeah, psychadelics might be some kind of alternative last resort, but just maybe you will have to do it the hard hard, super hard, most challenging way of all. Maybe. But hey, going it all alone is not as bad as it might seem, because you will learn from it so much more than ANYBODY could ever teach you - as you can see, I did it too and I'm absolutely fine - in retrospect it's the best thing that ever happened to me.  So, keep on going buddy. 

Edited January 13, 2018 by DocHoliday

[Samuel Garcia]

@DocHoliday Thanks for the advice! I really resonate with what you are saying because I do feel there is something on the other side of my suffering. The question is how long will the suffering last? I really don't want to suffer anymore but maybe it is necessary. 

[DocHoliday]

@Samuel Garcia Yeah it is necessary as long as you find it necessary to suffer. Sounds strange, right? But that's the truth. We/you suffer because we/you like to suffer - it's a story that we attach ourselves to and we seemingly can't live without. It behaves like a little blanket that a kid needs so it can fall asleep. But as I said, in a prior post, this will only resonate with you truly, once you go past all of your stories and all that... so, assuming that you're the little kid, realising that the blanket isn't necessary anymore, and that you aren't dependent on it in order to fall asleep, this is analogous to you in your current situation realising that the real you isn't depending on your life story and everything else you bring with it that would support the situation that you currently find yourself in. In other words: the existence of "the real you" isn't hinged upon and isn't dependent on any mind-games you play, even though it sure feels like it. And that's what you have to overcome! That's what's referred to as "ego-death", it's the overcomming of clinging and holding on to thought, emotions and stories like yours. But, until you're not ready to get to that point of realisation, you will continue to play your games and therefore, the suffering will continue. 

Once a disciple came to the master. The disciple asked "Master, can you give me peace of mind?". But the master refused to talk to him. Then the disciple thought to himself "Maybe I need to be more persistant, then he will teach me!", so for the next week the disciple sat in front of the master's hut to show him how determined he was. After one week, the disciple asked again "Master, can you give me peace of mind?", but still, the master refused to teach him. The disciple became more and more frustrated and hopeless since he was so eager to be taught by the master, so one day, when his frustration and longing for help became so intense that he couldn't bear it any longer, he cut off his left arm as a sign of his utmost determination and desperateness. As the master noticed this, he finally payed attention to the disciple so he asked him once more "Master, will you please give me peace of mind?, and the master said "So, you'd like to attain peace of mind, don't you? Show me that "mind" you're speaking of and I will pacify it.". Suddenly, the disciple understood and became enlightened. 

What does all of this mean for you? You're obviously the disciple in this parable and only when you will go to the lenghts that the disciple went to, only then will you receive the master's attention (that is to say, the master's attention equals to ultimate peace of mind). Surely you don't need to take this literal, so you obviously don't need to go and cut off your arm to become enlightened and all that, but you will have to suffer quite a bit before you will finally realise that the only source of suffering is first and foremost yourself, and secondly: that it's illusional.   

Edited January 14, 2018 by DocHoliday

[Samuel Garcia]

@DocHoliday Thank you so much for the encouragement! I will try to let go of anything I attach to which I believe I am dependent on for being alive. I'll try to be patient and guess perhaps suffering will be the way forward. 

It's hard to see however that suffering is an illusion because it seems so real. But do you think I have to face all the inner suffering and demons to reach Enlightenment? Because there are so many causes of suffering (at least from my current stage on this path) -- It's hard to see I am the cause of suffering.

[DocHoliday]

13 hours ago, Samuel Garcia said:

@DocHoliday Thank you so much for the encouragement! I will try to let go of anything I attach to which I believe I am dependent on for being alive. I'll try to be patient and guess perhaps suffering will be the way forward. 

It's hard to see however that suffering is an illusion because it seems so real. But do you think I have to face all the inner suffering and demons to reach Enlightenment? Because there are so many causes of suffering (at least from my current stage on this path) -- It's hard to see I am the cause of suffering.

@Samuel Garcia Yes you have to go through it. Thta's the important point - THROUGH it - you don't dwell in it. That's the thing they teach you in kong fu or some other kind of eastern martial arts, you gotta hit THROUGH the wall, not at it. Patience is important, and you need to have trust. Those two will get you through it, patience and trust - trust that'll be over sooner than you think. I've read this in the thread about enlightenment one-liners and cetus56, I believe, posted this marvellous quote where he said "I've never met a man who gave me more trouble than myself". 

So, there you go. Sooner or later you will come to terms with the fact that there is nobody and nothing "out there" that causes anything that arises inside you, it's all you. 

I hope this helped you some more, but let me know if you have any additional questions or obstructions that confuse you.

Edited January 16, 2018 by DocHoliday