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AdamDiC

Backsliding Story (Help)

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Hello. I want to tell you guys how my last 3 weeks have been. I hope you can feel me.

It all started around December 16th. I'd been self actualizing for sometime and honeslty it was the farthest i had ever gone, felt really stable. I was reading Branden's 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem and it was really getting some traction, i saw paralells with my own life and was getting motivated. The first pillar is Living Consciously. A very powerful topic basically explaining to grab life by the balls, wake the fuck up, deal with the present moment effectively and move on. He recommends %5 steps working towards your goals. I knew what I had to do. I had to break the paradigm i was living in with my parents. I'd been living a double life. On one side I'm a quiet teenager whos seems like hes trying too hard, stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. On the other hand I'm trying to get fucking enlightened, doing drugs, scavenging the depths of my pysche, trying to change my diet, bust my comfort zones, and feed my muse, who stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. My relationship with them is flimsy and we dont really communicate clearly probably because I've changed so much and they havent. So i just get this overwhelming feeling that i have to do something. Then I'm like no its too hard. So i just start to supress it. Consciously supress it. Consciously induce unconsciosness. Not pleasant. Branden calls it a betrayel of consciousness. I definintely took it too extreme. He said %5, I said all or nothing baby. but i lost

Here I am, January 3 and after a meditation session it all came back, the exact problem, and the exact solution (go sit down and talk to them). Until now I have been breaking all my habits. A super-mega backslide. Just literally feeling bad all the time, doing whatever i can to get me to fall "asleep". Netflix, food, video games, porn, fiction. I literally quit this stuff 4 months ago but i needed it to be unconscious. All that time flew by and i didn't grow one inch, nothing, nadda. I kinda feel like %99 of people. Just miserable, running away from themselves, attached to thought and pleasure, not trusting in truth love and beauty. 

I fucked up, i see that. I value truth love and beauty, but i dont act like it. not at all. I value them when i take shrooms or come back from a meditation retreat, when I worked my way up. But i see now that at my baseline consciousness, i have to work for them. I have to consciously align them into my life...and its hard. Obviously, no one does this. All my friends did exactly what I did for the past 3 weeks but THATS THIER ACTUAL LIFE, They dont know any better. I DO. i can't go backwards, i cant and I know that. So what im basically doing now is suffering and sulking, being abused by my mind, especially the infinite negative one and it sucks. I've experienced positive mindstates. Ones where the world is at my finger prints and i feel they are still inside me and able. But when it comes down to it i'm weak. I have been running away from this probably much longer than i can think (unaware of problem). but now i found the root and know how to fix it. But theres 2 sides to this war. Consciousness and unconsciousness. Truth and delusion. Good and evil. God and the devil. (Why do those words look alike lol). I have experienced the latter but I've only glimped the first. And i know what you're thinking just go and talk to them they are your parents. And you are right. but then why is it so hard for me? I think its one of those threshold gaurdians. Like if i do this my life will change measurably. That was it feels like.

I don't know what I'm asking you guys for, i just wanted to get this out. Finally. been hesitant to say anything. Thanks

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I'm having the same problem as you currently. I feel backsliding is inevitable and to prevent it from going to far you have to be extremely conscious that it is happening. But even then that's hard to do because when you backslide, you usually don't realize you're backsliding till its super late. Another factor I realized that plays a role is, who you surround yourself with. Are the people you live with living an unconscious lifestyle? Family? Friends? Because there is a homeostasis point in your relationship with them that will try to drag you back to how you were before you started consciousness work. Anyways, good luck! :)

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