kieranperez

Trials of Miles; Miles of Trials

2 posts in this topic

Starting off the new year with my longest meditation sit ever that I'm going to commit to every single day until I die - 1 Hour (Do-Nothing technique)

Still have yet to define what it is I want out of my running and lay out a vision for myself. Really struggled with this confusion on my run today as I just felt so frustrated that I'm not clear on my vision yet. 

Also on this morning's training run I was just way too in my head as usual. The racing thoughts just never ceased. Had to stop multiple times in the 8 mile run. 

 

Just getting my first entry on here out there to get the ball rolling...

More to come.

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It seems like every time I need just the right video from Actualized.org it always comes up at the right time...

This was a very relevant episode for me. 

I'm right at the End Phase and also in Limbo. This is what I'll be addressing in this journal log along with the lessons I've learned.

The End Phase:

Right now I'm wrapping up the phase of living at home. I'm about to venture off into a hardcore door-door sales program @Robby hooked me up with from mid-May till August 30th/mid-September in Arlington, New Jersey. Joaquin is about to graduate from high school at TL and will be moving down to Santa Barbara to attend the city college there at the end of Summer. Abuelo seems to be moving towards the final days of his life since I'm hearing how he's starting to not be able to eat or drink anymore and has pretty much lost his battle to dementia. I'm starting to get ready to make amends to let go of running as a pursuit. I'm starting to cut ties with mom and I'm about to leave the protection of dad. I was even told by dad that he's planning to give Ellie away to maybe Ellen & Jerry. 

Although someone on the outside can easily point out the positive  of how this is perfect timing for me to start my next chapter, I would be neglecting my own experience if I said it feel this way even in the slightest in my own experience (which of course is rationalized by those outside as "totally normal"). It's easy to say that and also address in language all the obstacles I'm going to face and blah blah blah. Though on paper, yes, they are most certainly correct in their linguistic analysis of my situation. However, that doesn't mean shit. 

From the ever evolving collapse of my family since May 22nd, 2006, to my ever increasing decay in emotional, psychological, overall egoic stability, to dropping out of college the 3 semesters I went to participate, to having to get an incomplete Junior year of high school because I was such an emotional train wreck and went to counselor saying how I thought I was going to kill myself, to quitting every single running training cycle since high school, DNF-ing the majority of races I went into after high school and the ones I did race I pretty much bombed 95% of them, to quitting dozens of workouts, to feeling more and more inferior to other peers killing it in one domain or another over the years, to never having really had sex with a girl I found truly attractive, to crashing multiple cars wasting tens of thousands of dollars of my parents' money... do I really need to go on?

I feel absolutely emotionally drained. Crying has become almost a daily thing because I have so much anxiety that I'm like a pot boiling and eventually blows out steam because it can't take the pressure being held inside. I've lost so much self-esteem, personal integrity, and the willpower to sustain even the most minor endeavors like meditating for 15 minutes. 

With the closing of this "End Phase" I feel a lot of anxiety and a lot of fear. I also am desperately holding onto what fate I still have within me. As much as it doesn't feel like it when I'm going through one of my daily emotional bad patches, reminding myself after I let what I have out of my system that I can get through this, that I do have more, that there is light at the end of this tunnel, that this is (in a sense) normal and other people too have made it through this and worse does help because that helps me emotionally regather myself and "put back on" the right perspective of how I can use this summer to move out fully be in the "Limbo Phase" where I can spend deliberate time healing, soul-searching, really regather myself, change my environment by moving to Denver/Boulder, camp, be in the mountains, etc. 

As drained as I am, I know I have to close this chapter with all I got and finish it. Right now I'm running down the last bend about to make it onto the final home-straight where I have to give everything I have this summer. I'm usually pretty good when I gather my inner strength and pulling myself back up and letting everything I have out in the final 100-200m of a race and claim every scalp I have in front of me with authority. I think I can do that here this Summer. I have it in me. 

The Limbo Phase

I've been trying so hard racking my mind on the Life Purpose Course. I feel like I've exhausted the amount of mental and emotional effort I can possibly put into that course since purchasing it back in June 2017. Though I have 8 Solid Top Values & My Top 5 Strengths locked in and starting to really be able to intuit what my real Zone of Genius is, I really have to pull the plug and give it a rest and come to terms with the fact that I just don't know. Though I had great insights and intuitions from my 1st ever psychedelic trip on LSD back on March 29th this year, I really need to put my focus into just closing up the last bit of the the End Phase before I can really go into a more soul searching process.

If all turns out well this Summer I would like to spend as much time investing in my own soul-searching process, finally heal and regather and integrate my self, and explore new avenues of Bliss. I feel so destroyed internally that, even if I really found my next path in life I wouldn't be able to follow it because inside I feel like I'm a tube of toothpaste that's been so mauled and crumpled up for that last bit of toothpaste that I won't have enough for the net endeavor. The amount of internal willpower I have left is virtually empty and I need to recognize, honor, and respect that. This is why healing is going to be important and honor my inner muse.

I completely disagree with people who telling me otherwise after this 4 month sales program is up that I should put in the hard work to improve socializing, my dating game, make more money, how I need to press even harder on the gas, etc. I'm willing to listen to feedback but I'm also willing listen to when I know what's right for me and when to tell people to stop giving me advice. I really need to hit the reset button once I wrap the End Phase up. I know what my heart needs while still needing to address practical & logistical matters. 

I believe this phase is going to consist of time backpacking, camping, traveling to different countries alone, going to some workshops & seminars, meditation & enlightenment retreats, meeting sages/saints/mystics face-face, reading, actually exploring new paths of interest (whatever it may be) and doing so full-heartedly, therapy, volunteering, a lot of journaling, going to new events, and contemplating. 

This episode really helped me reconcile the perfectly normal reality of this very phase and that this a phase worth honoring and really working through at whatever pace I need to take it at. Also because it helped really give myself the permission to acknowledge and be okay with accepting that the last cycle I'm now wrapping up was a failure with tons of valuable lessons that and that, all because it totally blew up in my face like a lab experiment gone totally wrong doesn't mean I can't be okay with it, make amends with it, and move on from it. 

I'm very eager to wrap the End Phase and finally get into the Limbo Phase.

Lessons Learned:

  • Following one's Bliss is so important. It took me up until this episode that that was actually how I even got into running in the first place! Look where that took me!
  • I seriously need to heal
  • Soul-searching cannot just be a mental process. I actually need to go out and explore. Travel to new cities, states, countries, forests, etc.
  • I am extremely impressionable. This is a huge habit I'm going to need truly to shed in order to unearth a new authentic path and chapter in my life. Since I was less than 2 years old I've had this habit. From Michael Jordan, Steve Prefontaine, all the runners I've ever looked up to in some way, Sadhguru, Leo, other sages, etc. I always base my visions based on the lives of other people and unconsciously try to mimic them as much as possible. This comes from the deep seeded vow I made since I was probably even a toddler of like 3 or 4 years old that I really feel like I need to be different, special, and stand out amongst other and also the belief that I'm not good enough so I compare myself to others and cling onto them because I don't have enough self-esteem to really carve my path independent of anyone I may admire and look up to. Really being okay with just doing me and no one else. It's my path and my path alone and that that's just fine and how I'm going to be better off owning and living that. 
  • I quit and give up a lot.
  • I need to focus on rebuilding integrity.
  • I lie a lot and I'm going to really need to focus on making a daily commitment to fix that in order realign myself with my experience and integrity
  • It's okay to really not know not just on a metaphysical level but when it comes to life issues to. Embrace not-knowing not just in direct contemplation but towards life situations in general and be will to let go into not-knowing and some real exploring. 
  • I have more in me
  • I can turn this around
  • I need to learn to really love myself
  • I need to trust my drive for full enlightenment but I can't go fully into it when I'm this broken inside emotionally. Enlightenment is going anywhere. Again, I don't need to be Buddha, Jesus, Sadhguru, Leo, Ralston, etc. I need to be me and walk my path.

I could probably jot more down but this is longer than I thought it would be and I'm a bit tired of writing... I think that's good for now. 

Signing off for now.

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