Second newbie LSD trip

[Stevo]

I approached my latest trip with a different set and setting and intention than my last one.  I am still haunted and disturbed by some of the revelations from this trip, but it turned into a very constructive experience because it saved decades of ignorance.  I learned about the ways I'm an asshole.  If that sounds interesting, keep reading!

I almost WANT to have a "bad" trip.  Maybe I trust these medicines too much, but I thirst for whatever truth that experience might reveal to me through discomfort or pain (as long as I don't hurt anyone in the process, gosh darn it!).

My intention was to gain insight into my everyday life and basically, see culture and life from a different perspective.  I wrote these things down on a post-it note I carried with me (pic below).  I also thought that if I started to freak out or become uncomfortable I could look at the note and shift my mind to something more pleasant.  

My set was curiosity, inquisitiveness, and understanding.  I wanted to be more honest with myself than I am (thus far) able to be without LSD.  I wanted new perspectives on culture and myself.

My setting was a walk on a cold night through neighborhoods and to a shopping district followed by time alone at home. 

I wore earplugs and layers of clothing to be comfortable out in the cold.  I was out there for about 2 hours. 

The first thing that I realized is that all our experiences are simply evidence of living.  The contrast of love and heartbreak, hot and cold, etc. I've experienced are consequences of life.  I collect those consequences.  ALL of them, without judging them to be good or bad.  Like things, I can choose to put them on a shelf to look at often or put them in a cabinet or put them in a storage unit.  Either way, they're my treasure.  

I walked past a gym and realized that 90% of my own working out has been due to extrinsic drive (looking good naked, being accepted, wanting to fit into a group, achieving performance goals so others will like me, wanting to look good in clothes).  All attention-seeking and wanting to be liked.  Insecurity and fear that I am not likable as I am.  I only ever had 10% intrinsic motivation.  I'm convinced that 95% of the people in our culture are similar.  Many sports and gyms wouldn't exist if everyone was honest with themselves.  

Posturing.  Trying to look a certain way.  How closely can we approximate the picture in our heads of what is ideal for us.  For most, that picture is fabricated by culture.  We are surrounded by role models, advertising.  We are taught to aspire to wealth, greed, and materialism.  This is because we are selfish, want to be viewed as successful by others and ourselves.  We are also completely unconscious of this. 

I live in an urban area where there are people hungry and sleeping outside.  It's a decently affluent area.  It is disturbing to me, but I, like most of my neighbors do nothing about it.  I walked past a super-luxurious restaurant and saw people spending large sums of money on food.  As I walked toward an expensive grocery store, it hit me:  Why do I assume people care about those homeless people?  Why have I always thought of myself as caring about those people?  They don't care.  I don't care!  We like to say we do, but we don't.  They don't do shit to help, and neither do I.  Wouldn't it be better if everyone could just admit that truth?  Am I ok not giving a shit?  Regardless, I'm no better than anyone else.  What matters is that I'm willing to be honest with myself about it.  I could just hide from my guilt or be honest and authentic.  If I do care, I have to make my values and behavior reflect that truth.  If spending my time and money on an annual $5000 vacation or a car that costs 10 times what a car with equal functionality costs due to luxuriousness or even luxurious grocery store food then I have stated that those are my values.  What do I want my values to be?  You know what?  I'm not all that kind or generous of a person.  

I seek pleasure and gratification of my senses.  I need circumstances in order to feel happy, grateful, safe, loved.  

My compulsive obsession to Spotify and tapping my foot or getting into the emotions the music affords is an addiction.  What I need is peace and silence.  I canceled Spotify and now sit in silence or listen to Tibetan bowls and single-frequency tones that I think my body and mind are craving.  Sounds weird, but I think those are healing me.  Haven't listened to a single song in over a week and it feels right.  I'm sure at some point I will be able to reconnect with music in a more balanced and enjoyable way.  


The part about me being an asshole:

I am largely a selfish, self-serving motherfucker in my relationships.  I look for value I can receive from others and use people to get what I want.  I suck what is beneficial to me in, instead of radiating value and love to others.  I need people to see my proficiency, likeability, humor or other traits.  This makes me not see others.  I'm not really even interested in others.  Why would anyone like me?  

I try to "get" something in everything I do and from everyone I know.  I'm completely self-absorbed.  Even when I do something for someone, there's a calculated something in it for me.  Very rarely or never do I do something where the benefit to someone else outweighs the benefit to myself.  

I stop being a friend when benefit to me ends.  

I was married for 22 years.  She left almost 3 years ago.  I was devastated.  I realized that a big part of my grief was about me losing something that served me so well and not about her.  I have experienced so little love.  Maybe I've never been in love.  I've been in admiration and adoration, but not much in love.  That means I have something amazing to look forward to.  2018 is the year I learn how to love.  

If I was going to die in the next 3 days the only thing I would want is for the people I know to feel loved and appreciated by myself in the unique ways I see them.  There is a contrast between that and seeking attention for yourself. 

Magic is in needing less.  Fewer things.  And fewer things from people. 
 

How much do I want to take care of my tribe?  My desire to do that has to be stronger than my desire to receive from my tribe.

Sexual energy:  I felt and visualized that energy bouncing around my body.  I can keep it inside of me or share it to various degrees.  I am potent.  I control where my sexual energy goes.  I selectively employ it to where a need exists.  It is a tool.  If it were a hammer, I wouldn't walk around pounding it on concrete, wood, or random objects I pass.  I use it to drive nails or remove nails.  At my age especially, it must be used consciously.  Want less.  Demand less.  Give more.  Don't suck in other's energy trying to get something from them.  Project and offer your energy to others.  

For me, masturbation usually represents a need to get out that energy or desire.  A need.  I don't see it's value.  I must drain it because I am not in control.  I seek relief from it because it controls me.  Compulsion.  How can my sexual energy a gift of sharing if I think of my sexuality as something to give away without any regard for appropriateness?

The rest got deleted, but this is plenty long.  Hope you enjoyed reading!