Emotional waves

[smd]

Since last Friday, I've been thinking about an old flame.  She's a singer & usually they put together some event at this time of year.  However, I haven't heard from her in the past few months & have not actually seen her in, I think, a full year now.

After awhile of thinking about it, I felt like a stitched wound in my body just reopened & started gushing out raw emotions.  As if the downfall of that relationship happened yesterday, instead of two years ago.  

I went back to the chat forum on the phone system that her & her friends use to see if they were putting together any event this year.  From last year & the years before, they chatted all the time on that forum & it was blowing up my phone.  So much so, that I had to disable notification.  I rarely paid attention to it until now, when these lamentations popped up & made me wonder if I would see her & her friends this year sing their recital & do a meet & greet.  But there was near silence on their chat forum now.   As if their chat system was dead or replaced.  I did see a screenshot of local newspaper showing there was going to be a recital at a church coming up & she was going to be in it, but no invitations were sent out & nobody said anything about it.

It's almost as if there is any chatting going on, it is happening on another chat group & not hers.  There's no information, even though there are nearly 300 members on the group.  I'd feel really weird about just showing up uninvited.  In the past, they would put together lists to find out who would attend in advance.  And now there doesn't appear to be anything.

I thought I was over all of this but I guess the nostalgia of the event, that sense of  belonging, has me in its grip again.  It'll pass after some time, if I can get lost in something else, perhaps a story on TV or working.  But once I'm alone again, having to live with my silent thoughts, that crushing sorrow rears its ugly head.  Sometimes, I get some morning anxiety right before I wake up & I had a thought about planning my suicide.  Writing up the will & getting everything ready for my exit.   Morning anxiety always plants the most horrible thoughts that my brain can think of.  There's not any real reason for these such negative thoughts.

And then I also remembered that I probably suffer from Seasonal depression disorder (I think it's called SAD) as I always feel a bit gruesome this time of year.  I was just curious about these waves & why it would appear now, after all of this time.  Perhaps they were simply repressed & not fully handled at the time.  It hadn't bothered me all year until I started to think about it & the upcoming singing recital that I'd attended every year for the past 5 years.  There's no grudges from this woman against me, she just drifted away, as women do.  She had called me a few months ago about asking me to help her with her resume, but I was caught by surprise & probably talked her out of it.  I all I had to do was ask her to arrange a time & then I could talk in person & find out what was going on with her & figuring out my own feelings, since everything I'm going through is just inside me & not happening to her or anyone else.  Just an ebb & flow of some old emotions, which I thought were long behind me.