Healing 2018 - What can I do?

[youngshinzen]

I want to focus on my healing process next year and therefore look for exercises/ideas to work on.

Maybe you guys can share some ideas on what I can improve.

 

I‘ve been meditating and gaining insights for a year now and it seems like all my issues boil down to self-hate since I‘m 4 years old. 

Self-hate is a mechanism, to keep sanity and control when having strong negative emotions, by blaming the "self" of being the reason for them.

About my current mental state:

• growing depression and then spiritual awakening/manic phase in 2015 (realising determinism, totally changed my perspective on life)
• in 2016 mood stabilizer+antidepressants, in 2017 only antidepressants
• now slowly coming off of them (if it works out, no use of meds in January)

Issues (sorted by intensity):

• fear of relationships
• putting a lot of pressure on myself when learning/producing music and even reading
• social phobia
• feelings of constant anxiety in in the middle of stomach/chest/throat
• often feel like screaming
• when stressed, sex centre and upper body become numb

What I‘m doing now:

• consciously letting go multiple times a day
• meditating daily for 1 hour (do nothing/strong determination sitting)
• conscious breathing for 30 min
• bioenergetic therapy every 2 weeks
• psychotherapy once a week
• swimming 2x a week
• eating healthy (will improve over time)

The thing that had the strongest effect on me until now was the bioenergetic therapy. After two sessions I was already more "open" and closer to my loving/childish self. But that gate closed after a few minutes, because of inner tension and egotistic thoughts.

My new values and identity (post awakening/determinism) work good for me now, but I think that there are a lot of old emotions/thoughts dragging me down, which could be the reason why I still have issues.

Looking forward to your ideas.

 

[Colin]

Something I am trying at the moment is using passive affirmations also known as subconscious reprogramming.  I am listening to videos like this everyday.
 

I am in it for the long hall and expect to be listening for the next year plus.

What I have noticed in a little under a month of listening to this video for varying amounts of time each day,

•  sometimes a dumb smile will come over my face " I am smiling for no reason because it makes me feel good"
•  I stand for my own interests more as opposed to people pleasing " I am courageous and I stand up for myself"
•  I get less hung up on the past " I am willing to forgive, I choose to move on"
   
•  Sometimes if I am in the right frame of mind I will just feel naturally high based on the cognitions 
  
  It is not a total solution, life and the mind are more complex , but it is pretty powerful, pretty passive, and easy. 
  
  I expect the results to accumulate over time. 

[Colin]

oh also randomly taking really deep and satisfying breaths. "I am breathing deeply to energize my mind and body"

[youngshinzen]

@Colin Is it enough to just listen to affirmations or is a emotional preparation necessary? Elliott Hulse talks about affirmations being a male seed which need emotions like a female fertilizer to be planted in.

[Colin]

@youngshinzen Yes, I have been playing around with different approaches. Sometimes just listening is enough. Sometimes I am more open and my emotions synchronize with what is being said and I more "live" what is being said.

Some times I reject everything being said, both intellectually and emotionally, but still find some benefits. 

Sometimes I am listening, but am totally focused on something else in my mind

I think optimally is to feel what is being said and to be able to focus and consciously contemplate  what is being said.

But better to at least listen, to show up and see what happens each time, than to demand perfection and not approach it at all.

Also hopefully you will empowered enough to chose how long and when to listen. If it gets annoying cut back on time. If you can't stand the persons voice find another video, try to make it enjoyable and sustainable, etc.

[youngshinzen]

@Colin Sounds good, I‘ll implement it??

[Colin]

@youngshinzen  I'll tell you what though, seeing this work really makes question the the lyrically content of the music I listen to!

 

[youngshinzen]

@Colin That‘s something I thought about too, I listen to rap and rnb and became conscious of the earwig while meditating. It definitely does a lot to our minds. I‘m trying to switch to instrumentals only?

Edited November 27, 2017 by youngshinzen

[Colin]

@youngshinzenYeah I used to be someone that rejected affirmations out of hand, thinking they were lies. I couldn't see the nuance of what they actually were. 

Looking back at all the music I listened to over the years with negative lyrics, It makes me wonder just how much that altered the course of my life.  I remember thinking years ago about a song I listened to a lot "are the lyrics describing my life or is my perception of life changing to fit the lyrics "

I think it was the latter more so than the former!  

[Colin]

@youngshinzen Have you tried emdr?

[youngshinzen]

@Colin No, but my therapist said we‘re going to do hypnosis next time. I‘ll ask about emdr then. What‘s your experience?

[AxelK]

There is nothing to heal, you are already beautiful.

[youngshinzen]

@AxelK I know bro, everything is perfect as it is. But I have a desire, it‘s my hobby to work on my mind and body.

[Shin]

Quote

consciously letting go multiple times a day

Emphasize this a bit more than how important you think it is.

You're gonna be fine, it's just a matter of time now

 

Concerning music, I really think listening to lyricless songs with positive/peaceful energy in them is the thing to do.

I particularly like electronic music, so I don't know about other style, but this is the kind of thing I listen (subgenre = chillstep):

 

 

Edited November 27, 2017 by Shin

[AxelK]

@youngshinzen I know bro. I'm just tripping balls atm. 

[youngshinzen]

@AxelK LOL

[Colin]

 One more thing I will add. I find a very sustainable way to get started with listening affirmations is to listen for only 10 minutes twice a day. Once it is a habit if you feel like challenging yourself to go more you can. But a consistent 10 minute will do a lot more than pushing yourself to do too much.@youngshinzen that is all

[youngshinzen]

4 hours ago, youngshinzen said:

@Colin No, but my therapist said we‘re going to do hypnosis next time. I‘ll ask about emdr then. What‘s your experience?

@Colin Thanks, can you answer that too?

[Colin]

https://www.virtualemdr.com/blog/35-life-changes-that-emdr-eye-movement-therapy-sessions-can-make-happen

This article is a good basic introduction. One thing to note is that it will likely make you uncomfortable at first and stir up some bad feelings.

[youngshinzen]

@Colin I hope so!