Trip Reports Mega-thread

[Mintberrycrunch]

A low dose of psilocybe cubensis cured me from a decade long battle with depression and sewercide

This is not advice for anyone in a difficult situation. Personally, I would never recommend psychedelics to anyone. They are, imo, powerful and relatively dangerous.

When I was a young boy entering teenagehood I was very confused and emotional like most young boys. I didn't come from a particularly healthy family. In fact, most of my family members on my mother's side experienced some sort of depression. At this point in my life, I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and unsustainable behavior patterns but I was completely unconscious of these.

I started harming myself at an early age, 13-14 and I began to choose apathy and hopelessness over facing difficult truths. I held many limiting beliefs such as a genuine belief that I was not good enough and that I had wasted my life to a point where it was irreversible. I honestly thought that I was beyond the point of ever reaching a good life.

I went the classic disgruntled teenager route of hating myself and everything around me.

Thinking back on it now, it all began as an adoption of a particular type of identity. I became the goth/emo/whatever character you see in south park. There was real suffering and immaturity behind it but mostly it started as a way of fitting in.

This kind of behavior led me towards a deeper and more refined sort of depression and eventually I had given in so heavily to apathy and hopelessness. It became a comfortable hell for me. The problems in my life that I couldn't solve or even understand would no longer need to be confronted. I would dive into the hole instead. It's like a loophole. You don't have to do anything, you can just give up. I can look at this state from my current perspective, but I was truly lost at the time. Depression, imo, atrophies the part of yourself that wants to fight. That is willing to fight.

Depression was a game that I played with myself and it was the most powerful coping mechanism that I have ever come across.

Years went on I gradually let go of the identity that I had adopted. I saw friends from the same groove leave it behind and they were happier for it. So was I. But it didn't last. I had discovered what depression had to offer and whenever something happened that I didn't like, I would leap straight into the pit to escape any sort of responsibility

I got older and went to high school. More hard truths and difficult obstacles came my way and into the depression hole, I went. I dropped out multiple times and sewercide was a common theme. At 1 point I would tell myself to commit nono for hours every single day.

Eventually, I would settle at a school where things seemed to be going pretty well. Good grades, nice social status, a hint of a girlfriend, sexual sexings. It was cool, but depression loomed over me waiting to pounce on anything I couldn't/wouldn't deal with. Eventually, the relationship went sour and I spiraled my way into an emergency unit at a psychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Never graduated.

---
I'm not bipolar. At the time I guess I actually welcomed a label I could use to give up more responsibility but looking back at it now I realize how harmful it would have been to completely surrender to that. I could go on for hours about the medical industry and public health care but that's not the point. Just know that I never actually lived up to the requirements for such a diagnosis. My mind is blown by how easily these life damning words are tossed around.
---

After dropping out of school again I was slightly relieved but at the same time I felt utterly powerless and my life looked hopeless.

At this point, I had discovered self-help and actualization and it had shown me the massive potential for change. That change was possible. I had experimented with different exercises and practical methods such as meditation and autosuggestion and I had achieved incredible results. After a month of reprogramming my mind with affirmations and daily meditation, I changed so much that I became terrified. I was so scared that I dropped the whole thing and went right back to self-sabotage and massive delusion.

I was back to my old habits but I had experienced what was possible for me. I knew that change was possible and I knew that my potential for change was nearly endless.

My first psychedelic experience came after a foundation was built. I had spent a lot of time trying to understand myself, and how my mind works and I had become a much more open-minded person. I feel that this foundation was essential.

I took 1.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis (I think it was golden teachers) with a small group of friends. We had planned it and we were all somewhat educated about psychedelics and what to expect. I had been obsessed with the possibilities of psychedelics for obvious reasons so I felt ready and with my friends, I felt comfortable and loved. Hours before I met up with my friends for the trip, I was contemplating suicide. It was the usual rumination over not being good enough, having wasted my life, etc. Despite having a conceptual understanding that this was not an optimal state of mind for psychedelics, I had a deeper instinctual feeling that this was exactly what I needed to do and that this state of mind was exactly where I (me personally) needed to come from.

I had a great trip. It wasn't very reflective. We just had fun on a sunny day in the hot tub until something unexpected happened. A more experienced friend of mine asked me about my depression in the middle of the trip. Just when he asked that question, the weirdest thing happened. I felt what I would describe as lightning bolts shooting inside of my brain right at the temples. I was amazed. It was very physical. It was as if I could feel the pain of depression without being connected to it. I was shown the effects that depression was having on my mind and my life but from an outside perspective.

After the trip, I felt great. I felt healed and restored. A few times I would give in to depression and sewercide again but it was changed now. It had been recontextualized for me. the few times that these thoughts came up after that trip I looked at them and took them less seriously. I began to think that they were kind of silly. nonsensical. I had transcended depression.

2 years later I am completely cured of depression and wanting to commit nonalive. I feel it so deeply. I know that I can become sad again or frustrated or w/e, but it just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. So I'm not going to become depressed.

1.5 grams of dried cubensis. Years of depression and sewercidal ideation. Almost a decade of wanting to die and hating my life. Gone. Completely gone.

That's amazing.

Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book about this.

[Grant6]

 

[Razard86]

On 4/27/2022 at 6:44 AM, Mintberrycrunch said:

A low dose of psilocybe cubensis cured me from a decade long battle with depression and sewercide

This is not advice for anyone in a difficult situation. Personally, I would never recommend psychedelics to anyone. They are, imo, powerful and relatively dangerous.

When I was a young boy entering teenagehood I was very confused and emotional like most young boys. I didn't come from a particularly healthy family. In fact, most of my family members on my mother's side experienced some sort of depression. At this point in my life, I had developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and unsustainable behavior patterns but I was completely unconscious of these.

I started harming myself at an early age, 13-14 and I began to choose apathy and hopelessness over facing difficult truths. I held many limiting beliefs such as a genuine belief that I was not good enough and that I had wasted my life to a point where it was irreversible. I honestly thought that I was beyond the point of ever reaching a good life.

I went the classic disgruntled teenager route of hating myself and everything around me.

Thinking back on it now, it all began as an adoption of a particular type of identity. I became the goth/emo/whatever character you see in south park. There was real suffering and immaturity behind it but mostly it started as a way of fitting in.

This kind of behavior led me towards a deeper and more refined sort of depression and eventually I had given in so heavily to apathy and hopelessness. It became a comfortable hell for me. The problems in my life that I couldn't solve or even understand would no longer need to be confronted. I would dive into the hole instead. It's like a loophole. You don't have to do anything, you can just give up. I can look at this state from my current perspective, but I was truly lost at the time. Depression, imo, atrophies the part of yourself that wants to fight. That is willing to fight.

Depression was a game that I played with myself and it was the most powerful coping mechanism that I have ever come across.

Years went on I gradually let go of the identity that I had adopted. I saw friends from the same groove leave it behind and they were happier for it. So was I. But it didn't last. I had discovered what depression had to offer and whenever something happened that I didn't like, I would leap straight into the pit to escape any sort of responsibility

I got older and went to high school. More hard truths and difficult obstacles came my way and into the depression hole, I went. I dropped out multiple times and sewercide was a common theme. At 1 point I would tell myself to commit nono for hours every single day.

Eventually, I would settle at a school where things seemed to be going pretty well. Good grades, nice social status, a hint of a girlfriend, sexual sexings. It was cool, but depression loomed over me waiting to pounce on anything I couldn't/wouldn't deal with. Eventually, the relationship went sour and I spiraled my way into an emergency unit at a psychiatric hospital and I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Never graduated.

---
I'm not bipolar. At the time I guess I actually welcomed a label I could use to give up more responsibility but looking back at it now I realize how harmful it would have been to completely surrender to that. I could go on for hours about the medical industry and public health care but that's not the point. Just know that I never actually lived up to the requirements for such a diagnosis. My mind is blown by how easily these life damning words are tossed around.
---

After dropping out of school again I was slightly relieved but at the same time I felt utterly powerless and my life looked hopeless.

At this point, I had discovered self-help and actualization and it had shown me the massive potential for change. That change was possible. I had experimented with different exercises and practical methods such as meditation and autosuggestion and I had achieved incredible results. After a month of reprogramming my mind with affirmations and daily meditation, I changed so much that I became terrified. I was so scared that I dropped the whole thing and went right back to self-sabotage and massive delusion.

I was back to my old habits but I had experienced what was possible for me. I knew that change was possible and I knew that my potential for change was nearly endless.

My first psychedelic experience came after a foundation was built. I had spent a lot of time trying to understand myself, and how my mind works and I had become a much more open-minded person. I feel that this foundation was essential.

I took 1.5 grams of dried psilocybe cubensis (I think it was golden teachers) with a small group of friends. We had planned it and we were all somewhat educated about psychedelics and what to expect. I had been obsessed with the possibilities of psychedelics for obvious reasons so I felt ready and with my friends, I felt comfortable and loved. Hours before I met up with my friends for the trip, I was contemplating suicide. It was the usual rumination over not being good enough, having wasted my life, etc. Despite having a conceptual understanding that this was not an optimal state of mind for psychedelics, I had a deeper instinctual feeling that this was exactly what I needed to do and that this state of mind was exactly where I (me personally) needed to come from.

I had a great trip. It wasn't very reflective. We just had fun on a sunny day in the hot tub until something unexpected happened. A more experienced friend of mine asked me about my depression in the middle of the trip. Just when he asked that question, the weirdest thing happened. I felt what I would describe as lightning bolts shooting inside of my brain right at the temples. I was amazed. It was very physical. It was as if I could feel the pain of depression without being connected to it. I was shown the effects that depression was having on my mind and my life but from an outside perspective.

After the trip, I felt great. I felt healed and restored. A few times I would give in to depression and sewercide again but it was changed now. It had been recontextualized for me. the few times that these thoughts came up after that trip I looked at them and took them less seriously. I began to think that they were kind of silly. nonsensical. I had transcended depression.

2 years later I am completely cured of depression and wanting to commit nonalive. I feel it so deeply. I know that I can become sad again or frustrated or w/e, but it just doesn't mean the same thing anymore. I don't want to be depressed anymore. So I'm not going to become depressed.

1.5 grams of dried cubensis. Years of depression and sewercidal ideation. Almost a decade of wanting to die and hating my life. Gone. Completely gone.

That's amazing.

Feel free to ask me anything. I'm an open book about this.

We need more people like you who can shed a light on how the medical industry and their labels about someone having a personality disorder etc. Putting them on drugs and allowing them to think its their lot in life. I'm so glad people like you exist who can help shed light on this. Yes psychedelics are a powerful healing tool, its like freaking magic...cause it is!!! LOL!!

[puporing]

 

[Sincerity]

My trip reports so far  (in chronological order)

There will be more... 

Edited January 29 by Sincerity

[kylan11]

Here it goes, the story of my voyage from the depths of hell to meeting myself (the Absolute).

A few months ago I did 400ug of LSD. At that point I had about 10-12 trips under my belt, but never going further than 200ug or 2.5g of Golden Teachers. I thought I was ready to go deeper. In hindsight, I was still very much a newbie psychonaut and extremely reckless with my set and setting. This happened in my house with friends over. There were 6 of us, 3 of us including myself took LSD but the others only took 200ug. All close friends (extremely inexperienced sitters) except a girl I didn't know well nor trusted.

I was in a decent state of mind before the trip (pretty neutral), but after taking the tabs, as usual, I felt very anxious waiting for the onset. Then it came after about 20 minutes. My anxiety spiked, as it was extremely intense. The sober guys were loudly playing the PlayStation, yelling at the TV while playing Fifa and 2 of them started cooking in my kitchen. They made a mess and even managed to melt the lid of my pan on the kitchen stove. Funnily enough I was the one who noticed this while on a very challenging come up phase, already tripping balls. I saw the lid burning on the stove and asked if this was normal, as in that state I couldn't tell, yet I felt it to be wrong on some level.

This was the beginning of my paranoia (no shit). I felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom, like I fucked up on a massive scale for some reason and that I was about to be punished. People still yelling at the TV, I remember thinking that all I needed was a quiet, relaxed, controlled environment to calm down and I was getting the exact opposite. So I kept getting more and more anxious until I started panicking as I couldn't handle it any longer.

This is where psychosis began. I remember hearing footsteps on the building stairs, then an ambulance siren in the street, and I was convinced that the police was about to arrest us. I kept repeating "I did nothing wrong, I am a good person, why is this happening". At this point I was still far away from the peak. While coming up further, my memories get fuzzier and far in between, so I am mixing in what my friends told me happened.

I remember feeling the deepest terror I've ever experienced, apparently I kept screaming the same phrase, something along the lines of "we are all one thing, there are no consequences". As I was screaming loudly and it was pretty late at night, this finally got my friends concerned and they tried talking to me, but I was totally out of it. For a brief moment I even remember getting violent, I slapped a friend while he was trying to take me from the living room to my bedroom while screaming that there are no consequences to anything.

They made me lie on my bed while talking to me. I heard their voices, telling me to stop screaming and trying to reason with me. Pretty soon I closed my eyes. This is where the real show began. It could only start with my death. I reached a point of existential culmination, like every single moment that I ever experienced was in service of getting me right here, right now. I thrashed, and fought, and screamed for my life. I didn't want to face death. But it was inevitable, I couldn't control it, there was nothing I could do to stop it. And finally, I embraced it. For the first time, I truly surrendered. It was like my whole life was this amazing movie and THIS was the grand finale. So I might as well sit back and enjoy it.

As you can probably tell, this was the turning point. Death turned out to be nothing like what I imagined. I jumped planes of existence. Time and space became meaningless. My friends' voices morphed into what I can only describe as voices of other entities that inhabited that particular plane of existence, one that I was just catapulted into. These voices, they were most definitely NOT part of my identity. They felt human but at the same time God-like. I wasn't even the center of attention. It's like they were chilling in this dimension and they just saw me enter screaming and panicking for no reason. So they talked to each other making fun of me.

Not in a loving way, not in an concerned way, it was like "look at this idiot, what the fuck are you yelling for? Wake up". I started explaining why and what I was feeling, and they proceeded to completely demolish everything I said. Through simple, straight-forward language they conveyed the ultimate Truth of who/what I was and what was happening to me. Actually, it was more like they were trying to remind me of things I already knew but somehow forgot. They revealed the cosmic joke to me.

All my fear vanished, I apologized to them for being so fucking stupid and obnoxious. Then I started exploring this new dimension. All the secrets of the universe, of consciousness were revealed to me in an ecstatic, never ending orgasm of Eternity.

Turns out I was always "IT", everything has always been me and I orchestrated all this drama just to keep myself entertained forever. What a fucking legend. Out of love for myself, I projected Myself infinite times in an infinite multiplicity of Being in infinite dimensions just to experience this orgasmic, blissful loop of reunification with myself for all of Eternity. I make myself forget so I can remember. It's all a fucking joke, and you are the punchline. I am the punchline. If this endless futile searching of myself ends, so does the universe. But why would I do that? It's fun. And the more you suffer, the more you go through unimaginable pain and loss the funnier it gets. Isn't that fucking genius?

Going back to the "trip report", I also went beyond God Consciousness to shortly grasp Nothingness (same thing, but even deeper). So, after feeling like all the secrets of Existence were finally cracked open, I remember the last thought that appeared in that state. "What now?".

Immediately after thinking that, I was catapulted back into my body. In the short span of a few minutes I forgot EVERYTHING. It actually baffles me how fast my egoic barriers came roaring back and took control of my consciousness. It took me months of contemplation to even begin to remember a small part of this experience. In fact, this is probably less than 10%, but it's the best I could do.

So here I am, back in the loop of searching myself. And so are you. We chillin'.

[iboughtleosbooklist]

On 08/11/2022 at 9:49 PM, kylan11 said:

Here it goes, the story of my voyage from the depths of hell to meeting myself (the Absolute).

A few months ago I did 400ug of LSD. At that point I had about 10-12 trips under my belt, but never going further than 200ug or 2.5g of Golden Teachers. I thought I was ready to go deeper. In hindsight, I was still very much a newbie psychonaut and extremely reckless with my set and setting. This happened in my house with friends over. There were 6 of us, 3 of us including myself took LSD but the others only took 200ug. All close friends (extremely inexperienced sitters) except a girl I didn't know well nor trusted.

I was in a decent state of mind before the trip (pretty neutral), but after taking the tabs, as usual, I felt very anxious waiting for the onset. Then it came after about 20 minutes. My anxiety spiked, as it was extremely intense. The sober guys were loudly playing the PlayStation, yelling at the TV while playing Fifa and 2 of them started cooking in my kitchen. They made a mess and even managed to melt the lid of my pan on the kitchen stove. Funnily enough I was the one who noticed this while on a very challenging come up phase, already tripping balls. I saw the lid burning on the stove and asked if this was normal, as in that state I couldn't tell, yet I felt it to be wrong on some level.

This was the beginning of my paranoia (no shit). I felt an overwhelming sense of impending doom, like I fucked up on a massive scale for some reason and that I was about to be punished. People still yelling at the TV, I remember thinking that all I needed was a quiet, relaxed, controlled environment to calm down and I was getting the exact opposite. So I kept getting more and more anxious until I started panicking as I couldn't handle it any longer.

This is where psychosis began. I remember hearing footsteps on the building stairs, then an ambulance siren in the street, and I was convinced that the police was about to arrest us. I kept repeating "I did nothing wrong, I am a good person, why is this happening". At this point I was still far away from the peak. While coming up further, my memories get fuzzier and far in between, so I am mixing in what my friends told me happened.

I remember feeling the deepest terror I've ever experienced, apparently I kept screaming the same phrase, something along the lines of "we are all one thing, there are no consequences". As I was screaming loudly and it was pretty late at night, this finally got my friends concerned and they tried talking to me, but I was totally out of it. For a brief moment I even remember getting violent, I slapped a friend while he was trying to take me from the living room to my bedroom while screaming that there are no consequences to anything.

They made me lie on my bed while talking to me. I heard their voices, telling me to stop screaming and trying to reason with me. Pretty soon I closed my eyes. This is where the real show began. It could only start with my death. I reached a point of existential culmination, like every single moment that I ever experienced was in service of getting me right here, right now. I thrashed, and fought, and screamed for my life. I didn't want to face death. But it was inevitable, I couldn't control it, there was nothing I could do to stop it. And finally, I embraced it. For the first time, I truly surrendered. It was like my whole life was this amazing movie and THIS was the grand finale. So I might as well sit back and enjoy it.

As you can probably tell, this was the turning point. Death turned out to be nothing like what I imagined. I jumped planes of existence. Time and space became meaningless. My friends' voices morphed into what I can only describe as voices of other entities that inhabited that particular plane of existence, one that I was just catapulted into. These voices, they were most definitely NOT part of my identity. They felt human but at the same time God-like. I wasn't even the center of attention. It's like they were chilling in this dimension and they just saw me enter screaming and panicking for no reason. So they talked to each other making fun of me.

Not in a loving way, not in an concerned way, it was like "look at this idiot, what the fuck are you yelling for? Wake up". I started explaining why and what I was feeling, and they proceeded to completely demolish everything I said. Through simple, straight-forward language they conveyed the ultimate Truth of who/what I was and what was happening to me. Actually, it was more like they were trying to remind me of things I already knew but somehow forgot. They revealed the cosmic joke to me.

All my fear vanished, I apologized to them for being so fucking stupid and obnoxious. Then I started exploring this new dimension. All the secrets of the universe, of consciousness were revealed to me in an ecstatic, never ending orgasm of Eternity.

Turns out I was always "IT", everything has always been me and I orchestrated all this drama just to keep myself entertained forever. What a fucking legend. Out of love for myself, I projected Myself infinite times in an infinite multiplicity of Being in infinite dimensions just to experience this orgasmic, blissful loop of reunification with myself for all of Eternity. I make myself forget so I can remember. It's all a fucking joke, and you are the punchline. I am the punchline. If this endless futile searching of myself ends, so does the universe. But why would I do that? It's fun. And the more you suffer, the more you go through unimaginable pain and loss the funnier it gets. Isn't that fucking genius?

Going back to the "trip report", I also went beyond God Consciousness to shortly grasp Nothingness (same thing, but even deeper). So, after feeling like all the secrets of Existence were finally cracked open, I remember the last thought that appeared in that state. "What now?".

Immediately after thinking that, I was catapulted back into my body. In the short span of a few minutes I forgot EVERYTHING. It actually baffles me how fast my egoic barriers came roaring back and took control of my consciousness. It took me months of contemplation to even begin to remember a small part of this experience. In fact, this is probably less than 10%, but it's the best I could do.

So here I am, back in the loop of searching myself. And so are you. We chillin'.

Thanks for posting this <3

[RachaelLewis]

I've recently had a few experiences of marijuana and enlightening trips. 

I didn't think you could go deep with just some herb. But boy was I wrong. 

I sourced from trusted friends and asked for mild old school type stuff.

But I'm guessing that these days it is sprayed with something.

I suppose I did set it up to be an enlightened experience. I lit a fire pit. Took some of my root energy centre tincture and listened to a root centre alchemy embodiment audio clip.

I did this for two nights in a row. The first night I experienced what it would feel like to be my happiest most blessed out capable self and realised what I needed to stop doing in order to get there. I took down notes and felt positive but didn't enact all I needed to do to achieve this straight away. The second night I experienced the low, panicked, fearful feelings of what direction my life would go in and how bad it could be if I didn't get my shit together. Let's just say the next morning I really started to get my shit together.  This is only the fourth time I've tried herb in 20 years. 

Edited February 7 by RachaelLewis