Destroying Anxiety

[sleeperstakes]

So I've always had a problem with people in general, almost every other facet of my life i feel "comfortable" or excel at. It feels like the need to "be polite" and care what people think is a consequence of being raised as a snowflake millennial in a rural suburb. My social anxiety used to be extreme, it's only moderate now but I'd still say i struggle with it a lot. I see myself as a fairly intelligent guy, but socially I'm a mouse; whenever i see someone who feels comfortable in any situation and can instantly come out with something witty or at least appropriate to the situation it feels like they are a social god compared to me. It feels as though ive got a bunch of chains holding me down and i just want to be able to not give a fuck at all and say what i mean. At the moment I stutter, just stay quiet so find it difficult to connect and therefore open up to people which in turn makes me lonely. I think the main reason i find no enjoyment whatsoever from talking to people who im not good friends with is because i cant show my vulnerabilities to them. How do i lessen (preferably erase) my social anxiety, and ascend to godhood? Is it through somehow rewiring my values? or is it about just practising over and over by doing something like game. any book suggestions that might help with this?

Edited September 22, 2017 by sleeperstakes

[default identity]

I censor my impulses to speak because what I might say may not be relevant enough?  I can get quite wound up with social anxiety.  I wait for someone to talk about their feelings.  If theirs are like mine, I might tell a story to them about myself where I think I felt like they did (self disclosure).  Forget whether they like it or not.  It's a calculated risk, but that might start a dialogue between yourself and another.

[Richard Alpert]

 "i find no enjoyment whatsoever from talking to people who im not good friends with is because i cant show my vulnerabilities to them"

This is all based on shame. You shame some parts of yourself and you are afraid that people will see these parts in you. Honesty will help you a lot. Like "im a retarded idiot, with a small dick", Do you know how little people actually care about this if you say it with confidence. They actually appreciate it. You dont have to pretend to be anything. It´s just the cultural brainwashing that something is wrong with you. Youre fine.

If you dont want anything from people or dont have a need to control their behaviour that also helps a lot. Wanting some specific reactions from people is manipulation.

I come from a semi disfunctional family, where there were enough shaming and blaming.

[BjarkeT]

https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-art-of-solving-problems-permanently

(i think it helps if you write your thougt process down)

https://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-strong-negative-emotions

probably the best solutions i have found my self  

[thehero]

On 9/22/2017 at 4:43 PM, Mad Max said:

Literally all you have to do to overcome anxiety is:

• meditate
• breathe
• make eye contact
• disbelieve your thoughts

Your thoughts create suffering. Stop feeding them, and you're cured. Also, meditate. And breathe. And meditate.

*and breathe.

has this worked for you? genuine question. or is this theory?

[smd]

@sleeperstakes I may have a fix for you.  Just start going out at night. Alone.  Eat in restaurants alone.  Go to bars alone (preferably with a healthy dose of the opposite sex in the same bar).  And just eat and/or drink & sit there (or stand).  See what happens.  Watch.  If you do this regularly, staff & regulars & new people that show up will take an interest in you & you can engage in conversation.   Not every conversation will be great, but then you can just fail your way through it to get better at it.  You'll learn what works for you & what doesn't, such as what topics to mention & what not to.

Later, you'll reach out for different materials based on what you want to learn to help you converse: social skills, etiquette, style, reading body language, being humorous, NLP, PUA, the list of things you can learn go on & on as you put different tools to the test.

[sleeperstakes]

On 28/09/2017 at 3:33 AM, smd said:

@sleeperstakes I may have a fix for you.  Just start going out at night. Alone.  Eat in restaurants alone.  Go to bars alone (preferably with a healthy dose of the opposite sex in the same bar).  And just eat and/or drink & sit there (or stand).  See what happens.  Watch.  If you do this regularly, staff & regulars & new people that show up will take an interest in you & you can engage in conversation.   Not every conversation will be great, but then you can just fail your way through it to get better at it.  You'll learn what works for you & what doesn't, such as what topics to mention & what not to.

Later, you'll reach out for different materials based on what you want to learn to help you converse: social skills, etiquette, style, reading body language, being humorous, NLP, PUA, the list of things you can learn go on & on as you put different tools to the test.

I think that this is what I need to do. It's my weakest point and it would push me just outside my comfort zone but not far enough to make me freak out and want to leave.

[Brimstone]

@sleeperstakes there is nothing wrong with you, and despite appearances and what society tells us anxiety and the inability to communicate effectively can be an amazing gift, as it is a calling towards introspection and looking within. Personally I used to suffer tremendous anxiety to the point where I barely talked for a couple of years in my early to mid 20s (which is pretty much universal in the 1st world although most develop masks to hide it). It was at times horrible and completely and utterly depressing, but it is the base of what led me to search for meaning, and to pursue humility and compassion as the cornerstone in who I see myself as. You will actually find that a lot of people who take up 'spirituality' usual do so as a result of pain and suffering.

Have you ever heard of Vipasana? It is a retreat that you go on where you are not aloud to talk, nor make eye contact with the people you are there with. Most people don't last til the end of the retreat as it is just so confronting for them what they are faced with funnily enough, but those who do often exit the experience enriched.

In a nutshell though, everything is and will be ok as you are always exactly where you need to be, with life's embrace gracing your every breath. 

[Girzo]

It's like a three steps journey.

1. You have an anxiety.

Step up! Don't care what other people think. Do the shit you want in the way you want.

2. Great, now you are an asshole and a total dick.

BUT, you don't have an anxiety anymore and that's great. You can do whatever you want to and don't feel ashamed afterwards. Now you have to learn how to fit in.

3. You slowly become a social god.

You have set up your own boundaries. You can be a dick when it's needed, you can be nice when it's appropiate. You are funny and you are okay with your own flaws and past mistakes. You become more and more aware of how social interactions work, because you study it from books and other materials, and also because you are analyzing your own interactions in a non-punishing way. 

I hope that helps!

 

[sleeperstakes]

@Girzo I currently can't or don't have the knowledge to control my thoughts exactly how I'd like though, i wish it was as simple as just "Dont care what other people think" For sure though i need to take a more holistic approach, i often tend to focus in on one thing, for example confident people can be dicks so just focus on being a dick as much as possible. I tend to over analyse things especially in my own behaviour or imagining the thoughts of other people. I think the best path in life, especially when combating fears, is to, in Leo's words "take the path that is emotionally most difficult." 

[Girzo]

8 hours ago, sleeperstakes said:

I currently can't or don't have the knowledge to control my thoughts exactly how I'd like though, i wish it was as simple as just "Dont care what other people think"

It IS that simple. I have just given you a roadmap, now you have to go to Google and do your research. Type in "How to stop caring about other people" and do the actual work. Put In some effort, like for example watch Leo's video on exactly that topic and practice what has been said in it. That's where the work begins, until then it's just mental masturbation.

Lately I too had to man up and took psychedelics instead of non-stop thinking about taking them. It doesn't mean I took them mindlessly, I have done my research and prepared myself properly.