Self-development Journal: Integration,realisation And Actualization Of Milos Uzelac

[Milos Uzelac]

I have decided to start an honest and descriptive journal of my meditations,thoughts,feelings,doubts,insights and difficulties as I truly start to develop, learn about and move myself to self-realization and actualization.

I also want to the community to be able to see this and point me to my errors,mistakes and delusions and if they can separate the time give me advice and push me as I will be also obliged to do the same for them ?.

Thanks for understanding ?.

[Milos Uzelac]

I procrastinate writing in this journal but I feel it has become must in order to get overthinking,mental masturbation and most importantly my victim identity thinking at least out of my system.I was awake at 7:00am after a night of sexual fantasies about girls from my former class. Its weird that Im still partially obsessed by some of them probably due to serious repression of my feelings and of events from that period of my life. Im struggling still with accepting and letting go of those events. Im trying to avoid having fantasises and thinking about sex even when Im alone and going to sleep. I have become aware that Im using those fantasises as comfort and hiding from true feelings of love which I was to afraid and selfish to express. It's numbing me of emotions and trapping me in passive acceptance of my flaws and sufferings. I did meditate almost every time before I went to sleep for 40 minutes or more(I was sleeping in a room with my aunts husband so I couldn't set an alarm in fear of not waking him up also it was pitch black in night so I did it in secret after he would fall asleep) for about a week now. I have task of meditating at least 30 minutes to 1 hour in the morning because Im only getting results this way. I meditate at night for a similar period of time in order not to succumb to that which I have written above.

30/8/2017 Day 1

7:00-7:30-Vipassana, trying to become more aware of body sensations and to get a taste of "presence" and calmness of the mind.

I felt that I could of gotten really calm and energized with love if I didn't chicken out at the sound and image in my head of my aunts husband entering the room and sticked to the end of the hour and half quota that I set on my alarm. He didn't even enter the room and I realized that I succumbed to the egos fear of being caught meditating( I still haven't honestly expressed that Im trying to build this habit in the morning to my loved ones and have fear of disturbing them if I would do so). I realized that deliberately missed a great opportunity to be truly present and then energized for the day since after that I went sleeping till 12:00 am. Im aware that this habit is now crucial for my development since Im sleeping in frequently when I want to have time to read books and maybe even study in advance for the faculty but most importantly start caring and interacting to my family and even friends. The thing Im really glad about is start to realize to scale of my self deception in order to protect my identity and ego. I must start writing more at least to get my fears and delusions out of my mind. Thanks in advance for reading and supporting.

[Milos Uzelac]

2/9/2017

Today I meditated 2 times for about 30 minutes with the vipassana technique. Im starting to view a meditation session as a training session of getting out of my head thanks to episode about training that Leo made. I meditated yesterday but failed to write anything in the journal so I also must train myself to write to feel better when I post my emotions and thoughts of the day. I wept when I came back from a long stay with my relatives because I caught myself I almost feel like intentionally between the crossfire of strained and damaged family relationships when I got in a debate with my father about what they are saying about each other, my relatives and my family. I tattle tailed almost intentionally even though I know that I would hurt myself and others by doing it. This is happening so subtly and deceptively , that I know Im using this as a defense mechanism against being more emotional and caring (or something even more hidden) because Im wasting time and that It has to be unwired in order for me to self-actualize and move on with my life. I getting some insights about how I must train my behaviour when Im reading Marcus Aurelius To Myself. It is hard to stay focused in present but I must train to continuously go on with my life and expel the darkness from my soul as magnificently he puts it. He also said to avoid becoming miserable by analysing other souls , this perhaps is my biggest struggle in life since Im almost addicted to this. The most trouble and suffering that I inflicted to myself was by analysing myself and others whilst not gathering the courage to act accordingly in a situation that was given by God so to speak. The Gods will give you chances take them, what great magnitude and effort is required not say such a thing in a sofistical manner. The daily tasks to act with greater or less conscience are challenging and Im easily falling a sleep in chatter and thought and forgetting them as the day and events unfold. This to is my great struggle where I must preserver in order to live a better life. I must take this to heart and train to write these journals more naturally as Aurelius himself and his philosopher friend Platonic Alexander did. Couple of these entries weren't natural I feel. I must strive and think of next day and it's opportunities that the Gods always give.

I must meditate before I go to sleep.

[Milos Uzelac]

3/9/2017

Im going to write this after I had a realization of how much I am out of touch with the dynamics of others peoples feelings and reactions to external reality and events. I am like a wandering tumor of society that acts in defiance and ignorance of natural human tendencies of sharing thoughts and emotions. It is not as if I am detached from it and peaceful with it at the same time. No its a feeling of losing my genuine emotionally and personality completely. I am procrastinating in facing this fear and in setting effort to daily correct the patterns which are detaching me from people. I notice them as daily decisions that I keep repeating out of fear and unpleasant thoughts that guide my behaviour. I will write more later.

[Milos Uzelac]

4/9/2017

I did a 20 minutes vipassana meditation with slight movements and adjustments of posture. The main thing is I overcame a great amount of fatigue and resistance even though I didn't meditate long. Nature is always happening in laws and patterns and it doesn't care about my delusions and unsatisfaction. Tha patterns are perfect and I must strive to be inline with them little by little as possible. But the important thing is meditation is overcoming of resistance and rigidity that I create in myself. Great insight after this short session! ?

[Milos Uzelac]

4/9/2017

I must write this with non-cleaned dishes in the kitchen sink because I must become aware of the surface level commitment which I do stuff in my life. My father will be home after work and he will be angry at me for not cleaning the dishes if I continue writing this. Is this fear or is this selfish ignorance and sloth that is avoiding to live in awareness of the inter-connectivity of human beings and thier lives. This is a test run of me being focused in writing this  the present moment and removing thoughts and mental images of the future from my head. Not successful except from a couple of moments of writing in the present. 

Edited September 4, 2017 by Milos Uzelac
Grammar

[Milos Uzelac]

4/9/2017 9:18 pm

I feel strange sometimes starting every sentence with the word I but I see no alternative yet maybe it will correct itself with a healthier thought pattern. The reason why im inserting a new entry is because I had a slight epihany that meditation is at its core a natural urge like any other ofcourse it must first become that with practice and clarity. Is there a diffrence with clearing your mind with meditation and going to the bathroom to clean your intestines and fulfilling that urge after it. After I did 20 minuts of a samtha meditation just now I realized that there is a must in starting a meditation evualuation in this journal. Maybe like this:

20:40-21:00-20 minutes of samthat meditation. Results: 2/10-was unaware of my breath during a lot of this meditation and I was revolving past events and words of people in my head. A slight lift in my mind was a nice result in the end but nothing else despite that.

Will this help in anyway I will think about it.

[Milos Uzelac]

5/9/2017

11:10-11:30-20 minutes of concentration samatha meditation. Results: 1.2/10- was unaware almost entirely during the season. I focused on my breathing a few times during it but all in all I was easily distracted and intereptud by the phone.

[Milos Uzelac]

9/9/2017

The sloth and the disintrest in developing and fixing my character by not setting boundaries to people and writing this journal instead of sleeping in and succumbing to comfort are there as always. Why I am using this as a defense mechanism against reality and fate-which is the necessity of all events that happened to me for the wellbeing of Absolute Infinity to put it my way. There is a lot of fear,pain and suffering that is hiding behind my curtain of procrastination and sloth.

I sat for almost an hour at 6:40am till 7:40am. I heard Jiddu Krishnamurtis words of taking total responsibility for all the events that I underwent when the sensations were intensifying and becoming painful for me. I haven't sat for 7 minutes more that I set the alarm for since I panicked and got scared when a thought of sitting there forever came up.

What I understood and found out during this session that no matter how noble and selfless a thought arises in me I am still mental mastrubating since there is a vast gap of thinking it and actually doing it. It is a defense and a comfort tool in it's own right that protects and tucks in my ego, even if it is a decapitating self criticism because it's a justification and temporary blur that doesn't want to be exposed for what it actually is. A Deception,Clean up tool and Boo-hoo I am depressed and hence won't put myself out for the world and be interested and emotional (loving) to its people and their reason so to speak.

A major error also was my denial and adversity to reason and it's necessary and difficult daily application. I've cast out the practical as a distraction not understanding that this stance was actually the distraction and a justification tool for being stuck in my boo-hoo and lazy loop of not giving a fuck about people and their life.

Im writing this for the sake of getting words out there since I always distract myself and subtly go through a forgetfulness and tolerance trap ( I will explain this to myself in another entry) in order not to be responsible and involved in life. It's pretentious and self serving in a way and of course boring so I am not expecting people to read it in this confession form. I will do a daily development journal when I muster the will to get myself in a upward line trajection. Till then I want to thank you all for at least viewing and supporting. In this moment I will probably use this most of the time for writing my thoughts because Ive been too lazy.

[Milos Uzelac]

Rexamined some old posts and the advice from members of the forum. I acted upon them very little and when I read them I did it for attention not understanding and practice. It's embarrassing that there is key advice in so few words and that I haven't set the time nor my attention on practicing them to get some actual results. A gold mine sitting there open and vacant for a worker. So the goal is to act upon them:

1. A strong determination sit every morning or when an opportunity arises to at least sit in regular position for an hour.

2. Writing a list of my and my judgement of other peoples accepted,good traits and repressed, negative traits for shadow work in my notebook.

3. Remembering to practice the silent approach in my daily life.

[Milos Uzelac]

11/9/2017

Im in this type of homeostasis. Forgetful and not being focused , also unreal expectations and pumped up schedules that I sleep over. I have this fake surface-level approach when talking to others of not sharing and not placing value on my own life when Im talking. I dont mean talking only about myself and boring others with my problems , rather setting boundaries of what I have to be doing in that moment

(taking notes,reading,meditating,training and fullfiling my comitments) instead of passive noding of the head and listening until I forget and become afraid to just say that I have my commitments that I must fullfil in that moment.Setting boundaries in a conversation according to time that I have and saying what I must be doing at that moment honestly without brashly dumping my "interlocutor" (the person that Im talking to) or being without backbone and starting to lie to him and apologize to him without saying my true intention ( this is my struggle with people: to say honestly when I want and why I want to leave a conversation). 

I may ease my meditation in the morning to 30 or 20 minutes since Im not willing myself to get up first thing in the morning before people wake up and do a strong determination sit for an hour. I must set proper expectations and fullfil them routinely and not skip days with a SDS and lie to myself that I will magicly muster willpower to make it a permanent lifelong habit at 6 or 7 in the morning. Unreal excpecations and lack of patience I must accept this and stop lying to myself  that I am progressing when I am actually stuck in the same loop of behaviour as before or even degressing. The truth must be accepted with the unease and unpleasentness that comes with it and from that feeling and epihany I must truly start to develop useful habits that I will actually do every day for the rest of my life.

20 minutes of vipassana and 2 minutes of metronome concentration-No tangible results or progress, rather a degress in awareness.

[Milos Uzelac]

I am a coward I heard this phrase in my head couple of minutes ago after a hour long sit . I am a fucking coward when I felt cooling down of my body and an intensifying pain in my legs. I was weeping, distorting my face when carried by crying and thoughts and hearing a silent voice in my head saying you are:"You are lying, love and love people". I had sensation in my chest it felt like there was something pumping life or reanimating my heart or atleast the mental image and the sensations of an arthery pumping blood in my heart gave that impression. But the lightning fast spasms that I felt there felt like a process of reanimation of my heart in that moment as I discovered the depth of my lying and cowardice but only pocking the surface level of it.I avoid it with pain and misery as distractions-victimhood during most of one day and this period of my life.THIS is a Distraction I feel I need to love people. The words were simple and clear:"Coward!" ,"You are lying" ,"Love, Love people".