Is Pickup Essential For Dating?

[sleeperstakes]

So I'm 19 and have been in 3/4 extremely short lived relationships, usually lasting a month or less. While they are great while they last, they usually end up with a drop in communication either due to over-clinginess or just not meeting up/ talking as much. On top of this communication problem, I also have a hard time getting close to people, I'm not sure why, possibly insecurity. Due to this I find dating and relationships extremely difficult to handle as I get over-attached, and overthink things and end up scaring people off. I've been doing research into pickup recently and it does look like it'll improve my social skills, but in the reverse, it also seems pretty shallow and like the guys who do it only really care about fucking hot girls. Sex is great but it's not really super important to me, possibly because I'm fairly inexperienced so I don't know how great it can be, but for me dating/ relationships are more important than just getting laid. Does pickup help with this and will it help me socially, or are there other better ways to work on my issues? 

Edited August 12, 2017 by sleeperstakes
PUA changed to pickup

[Moreira]

In my opinion the classical pickup is good for one night stands. If you want to have a long term relationship Its better to work on your masculine traits like:

Being a leader

grounded and unreactive

freedom from outcome 

be clear on your intent and unapologetic with your sexuality

build your ecosystem of positive emotions so you wont bee needy with the girl

 

[Christos]

Pickup is an external solution to an internal problem. It's like going on a diet when you know you have a problem with emotional eating: sure, you will lose some pounds with a lot of work. You will take them all back and more at the first slipup because the real problem hasn't yet been fixed.

Ask yourself why you cannot hold a long term relationship. Once you find out what behaviors cause this (eg clinginess), ask yourself where you learned them. They will stem from your childhood. Pinpoint where they are from as much as you can. They will stem from the places you least want to look, most likely. It will not be fun, and society condemns looking inwards for some reason, but if you want to solve your problems and be a grounded adult there is no other way except making peace with all the ways in which you are messed up.

 

It is not a pretty process, but be a man and sort yourself out. 

[aurum]

8 hours ago, sleeperstakes said:

but in the reverse, it also seems pretty shallow and like the guys who do it only really care about fucking hot girls.

I'm not saying you're wrong. But notice that your judgment of guys who do pickup actually handicaps your own ability to improve in this area.

You WANT to get better with women, you WANT to learn the skills necessary to get an amazing relationship and you probably want sex more than you realize. But doing it would make you "shallow". Shallow = bad, and you don't want to be "bad".

9 hours ago, sleeperstakes said:

Sex is great but it's not really super important to me

If it's not important then you won't get it.

9 hours ago, sleeperstakes said:

for me dating/ relationships are more important than just getting laid

I've done a good amount of cold approach at this point in my life. The sheer volume of women who you should never want to be in a relationship with is huge. Not because they're bad people, but just because you're not right for each other.

So how are you planning on finding that 1% of women who you seriously connect without meeting a bunch in the first place?

Also, think of how important sexual chemistry is in a relationship for both parties. I would NEVER get in a relationship with a woman before having sex because I don't know if we're going to be a match in that area. It's insane that anyone would leave that up to chance.

[Afonso]

Just clean your emotional baggage. How do you do that? Well, feel the negative emotions of neediness and overthinking and release those.

Research: Meditation, Letting Go, Shadow Work.

[sleeperstakes]

@Afonso I've had a meditation practice for a while, but it's only recently I've been extending mindfulness to my emotions in my life. Also, I haven't researched the last 2 as much but I heard Leo and the guys at RSD talk about them so I'll look into them more.

Edited August 12, 2017 by sleeperstakes
Got rid of thanks

[sleeperstakes]

@aurum you make a good point, even from the aspect of, getting rid of approach anxiety, meeting more people to get a better idea of what there is to offer. Secondly, your point about wanting sex more than I realized does make me wonder whether it is more important than I think and it's just that I have yet to do a rewire.

[sleeperstakes]

@Christos do you think that something like journalling and self inquiry is useful for stuff like that? Generally speaking I'm pretty open with my emotions unlike a lot of guys, but that still doesn't mean that I can uproot my emotional issues no problem. It feels like identifying their root is fairly easy (eg my mother was dismissive and both my parents could be neurotic when I was a child) but Changing it is a lot more difficult without trying everything because I'm not sure what works.

[ajasatya]

@sleeperstakes no it's not essential. i've always sucked at pickup and i'm living a wonderful intimate relationship.

[Spiral]

@sleeperstakes Can it help you? yeah sure, but indirectly. You don't need pickup to find girls for relationships, but it can help you with confidence and social skills. So i don't necessary think it's a bad start.

[Christos]

@sleeperstakes Journaling is great, but even just writing down the thoughts that come up when you ask yourself "Why can't I hold a long term relationship" and, the golden follow-up question, "Where did I learn this behavior" is more than sufficient, and it is what I personally do too.

The reason you want to write things down is that your mind isn't a place for serious thinking, as funny as that sounds. You wouldn't attempt to solve a hard calculus problem in your head without writing it down, and in the same fashion, you cannot uproot deep childhood conditioning just by thinking in your head. Once you write things down, you're able to reread them and move around them in a sense, you become your own guru.

The technique is simple: Sit down, shut up, write what's up with you until you know. Wish you the best.

[Markus]

Dating is essential for dating.

[TimStr]

@sleeperstakes

Some clarification first: Pickup is essentially about making a girl want to have sex with you. Dating includes but is not limited to that. I find, that Radical Honesty (read Brad Blanton) is another great concept to be applied to dating.

In your post, you're talking about relationships, though, which is a whole different story. Do not expect to be good at having healthy relationships, just because you are good at dating. For having a healthy relationship it's more about non manipulatory relating (read David Daida for that) and being detached (read Marcus Aurelius) than having dating skills. In fact, there are many pickup guys, that never have a successful relationship, because their pickup mindsets eventually get in the way, so it might even be counter productive for you.

I think one of the biggest lies, humans keep telling to themselves, is that they're naturally good at something, they haven't done. I find this to be true especially for relationships. Expecting, that your first few relationships are going to fail, is a healthy sobering attitude because being close to another human being (besides your family) is a skill that has to be developed. 

So don't get upset about your failures. Take every new relationship as an opportunity to practice and learn. 

[Lord Bwyra]

@sleeperstakes You are still a kid. Spend the next 11 years of your life travelling, observing, failing, learning, growing, reading, studying, experimenting, exploring and experiencing whatever the days bring you. Just live like you've survived an accident and you get to continue.

Use whatever methods you can to keep going deeper and further and smashing the glass walls of the prison which has been built for the last 19 years of your life. Don't fall into the traditional definitions of relationships, sex, dating, etc.

When you interact with people whether it's girls or guys or aliens, stop focusing on what you can get or take or "pick up".

Focus on how you can improve their lives. Connect with that. Start seeing all the problems that people have as challenges and invitations and opportunities for you to give them some humor and joy and passion and inspiration and pleasure. Give them what they can't get anywhere else.

Connect with who they are as a person, beyond all the makeup and handbags and tight asses and instagram duck lip photos. You really want to support all that?

Don't just have sex with their vaginas or titties or mouths. But also with their minds. With their realities. Stop dating and all that teenage "i have a crush on you" horseshit. It's not you who wants that, it's the groupthink that has hijacked your brain. Those are all just cages and you will be trapped (as you described already). Marriage and traditional ownership based relationships are an out-of-date model of keeping the farmers in their place.

Find people to build a community with. One that is based on love, truth, freedom and beauty.

And if you don't so yet, take Leo's course on finding your life purpose because that will put everything in perspective and ease the ride