Julie Lee

Toxic Family Members

3 posts in this topic

 Hi Leo!

         Your videos have helped me out tremendously, and I have even introduced your site to my mom! I was wondering if you could do a video about family members who have changed for the worse throughout the years, and have become a negative influence as well as troublesome. I have a younger brother who got addicted to drugs while he was in his late 20's, and after 20 years, he has just gotten worse. He refuses help or rehabilitation, and depends on my mom for money to survive. He has even stopped working recently, and have become violent with me and my mom. He has become a totally different human- being, and it is esp. difficult for my mom because he is her only son, and she loves him very much. Could you please do a video about a family member or someone close to you that has become a bad person to have in your life? I would really appreciate it, and my mom would be grateful as well. Thank you!

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@Julie Lee

Hi! 
I have a lot of experience with toxic family members. My mother is an alcoholic, my sister a drug addict with ADD and rage outbursts. Me myself have been addicted to drugs earlier in my life. What you looking for is: how to deal with someone who is sick. Addictions is a really ugly disease that take over your life and actions. While addicted, a person is not him/her self, he/she is the sickness. To find a solution to your problem, you need to understand the disease. 

I got abused as a kid, both physically and psychically from people with this disease. And gone thru a lot of information, rehabilitation and personal development to fully understand, and find solutions to how to deal with people having this disease. (including myself) Although, the diseise can be more or less severe in different people. 

This is impossible to explain in depth over a short text, which is needed to get a grasp on the right course of action when suffering from someones effects of being an active drug addict. The problem with the solutions, is that they are really hard to embrace, and even more difficult to implement. Thats why the deep understanding part of both the person with the addiction, and for the codependent person is so important. My recommendation is that you buy some books about codependency and start there. usually what people find when reading about being a sibling, lover or parent to someone addicted to drugs or alcohol, is the feeling of deep recognition, and that is a very important first step. 

When you can see how many things that is a problem in your life, based on someone els, you start to see solutions. If you been around a person for a long time, its hard to see how much this disease effect you, since people with addictions is very manipulative, and control there environment. 

If you don't know where to start, or with books you should buy, just ask me and I'll look them up for you. (I'm from Sweden, and have to look up the English title of the books, thats why I didn't just recommended them right away) But you can do some googleing if your serious about solving this problem and move on with your life. 

Here are some key insights about living in codependency of a drug addict. 
1. Drug abuse is a disease, the actions your brother takes, is not he as a person, its him: controlled by addiction. 
2. There is nothing you can do, to help him. Thats a fact, and something that takes time to understand. 
3. You can't have him in your life, at all. This part can be messy to begin to implement, but its the only healthy respons to this problem. Since addiction creates addiction. Most people who been living with someone who is addicted, become addicted to the person who is addicted, thats called codependency. Generally, Up to 20-25 people/addict get some form of "splash" of a person with the disease of addiction, some form of abuse, less quality in life, or some form of struggle. In a lot of cases, its just as hard for a codependent person to push a drug-addicted person out of there life, as there is for a drug addict to quit drugs. Its exactly the same psychologically experience, happening in the same part of the brain. its tough. So in a way, to change this situation in your life, is going to be a little similar to getting of drugs. You most likely going to fall back a couple of times, "giving him a new chans", and end up heart broken, lied to etc as so many time before. Then you probably going to dislike yourself, having your mind telling you that you doing something wrong, feeling bad as a person for treating someone this cold.. (this is why its important to understand, he is not your brother when addicted, he is the actions of his disease).
4. You should call the cops if he abuse you, thats wrong, and you shouldn't have that in your life (this goes in to the codependency, like, you start to think about him, what will happen to him? Is he going to live on the street? Is he going to end up i jail? See, this is the problem, its not about him, its about you. You need to get on with your own life, both you and your mother. He is sick, you can't control that. To help him continue the way he been acting so far, is not helping anyone. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and you will never, I repeat, never reach that with an addicted person in your life. 

Well, hopefully you got something out of this, as I said, I have a lot of experience, so don't hesitate to wright me with questions. And there is no "quick-fix" to this problem, it will take somewhere from 1-2 years to end up having him totally out of you life. Its so worth it. The only thing you going to have left, is the hope for him to ask for help some day, that he want to change his own life, and that you might going to be able to see your brother again. 

Take care /Fred

Edited by Fredrik Andersson

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Hi Fred!

           Thank you so much for replying to my post. Me and my mom are actually going through everything you wrote about. My mom has moved out of her place, where she was living with my brother, and has moved in with me, but it's not working out well at all. I live in a small apartment, and so it's not large enough of a place for the both of us, and we both have cars, but I am only provided one parking space. We tried looking for a place for her, but weren't able to find a place she could afford. She didn't know where she was going to park her car, and did something really stupid. Behind my back, she went to my brother, and gave him a thousand dollars so that he would move out, and she would be able to move back in there. I am so angry at her for being so stupid, and lying to me. I told her not to contact my brother, not to believe anything he said, and to cut him off from her life. That is the reason why I had her move in with me, and am helping her. Because I know that the only thing she can do is to not be around him. My brother sold her piano for a hundred dollars to buy drugs, when it actually costs ten times more. My brother threatens her for money, and gets violent with her and me when we refuse to give him money. I had the police arrest him once when he choked me, and tried to kill me. He only got a fine for that, when he should have gone to prison. Actually, he has been in prison three times for larceny, but my mom is so gullible and stubborn when it comes to my brother, and she was dumb enough to have him move in back with her.

           I just found out about her going behind my back and giving him a thousand dollars, believing he would actually keep his promise to move out. I got so angry with her, and I told her to get out of my place. She is back in her place, and trying to have my brother move out, but he isn't even listening to anything she is saying, of course, he is not someone you can talk to, my mom is so stubborn in thinking that he is. I got so tired of her stupidity, and I am so stressed out, that I don't want her in my place anymore. I tried so hard to try to let her see that the only thing she could do was to remove my brother from her life, and I helped her in every way that I could. But she went behind my back and didn't listen to anything I said, and I am so angry with her. This has happened to her so many times, I don't know why she doesn't realize that her son is no longer the person he was before the drugs. My mom is 78 years old, and I understand she is old and vulnerable, and that she also has the disease of co-dependency from living with my brother, but if she refuses to listen to me when I am trying to help her, I don't know what else to do. I also am addicted to codeine based cough syrup, and although I am clean now and not taking, it is very difficult for me to stay clean and work when I have to deal with my brother. I have been addicted to codeine since I was in my late teens, and I have spent many years trying to get my life back together. I go to NA meetings when I can, and I am working at a decent job now, and trying to improve myself and my life. But I cannot just abandon my mother, who doesn't have anyone to turn to but me. Even though I have problems with my mom, I love her very much, and want to help her. I just got so angry with her for lying to me, and not listening to me about my brother. But I can't just leave her on her own with my brother. I tried to get the police involved in getting my brother out of the house, but the police will only do something when my brother does something illegal. It is very difficult to press charges against my brother, for he is family, and unless he breaks a law, the police will not get involved. I felt so relieved when I saw your message, and I actually called my mother so that she could read it, too. My mother doesn't realize she also suffers from the co-dependency from my brother. I would very much like to read some of the books you would advise, esp. for my mom. If you could recommend a book for the family members of an addict, like my mom, I would very much appreciate it.

          Thank you again for your support, it means so much to me, for there aren't many people I can confide in about this problem. I will look forward to your reply, if you can just talk to me more about this matter, it would help both me and my mother tremendousy. Again, thank you, Fred, and I will wait for your message.

                                                                                                                                                                                               Sincerely, 

                                                                                                                                                                                                              Julie

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