Getting Out Of Codependency

[Sheeba]

Background info: 19yo male, student (first year of college, human science); have been watching Leo's videos for 2 years, doing self-actualization actively for about 3 months only (books, meditation, watching Leo's videos more seriously and not as a quick-fix); not rich intimate relationship history 

I'm becoming more and more aware how much my codependency is a baggage for everything I'm trying to do on a daily basis. It's a mood killer, and even when I'm trying to accept it and to be more healthy and surrendering (and not neurotic) about it, it's hard for me to grasp my higher levels of functioning. 

I'm in relationship (let's call it that) and I'm currently (last 10 days) having spikes of negative and petty feelings because of distance between us and lack of communication (like it used to be) through text messaging. 

 

It's not the first time I recognised it and tried to work on it and it really is going for the better comparing it to how I was feeling 6 months ago; I'm on a path which I'm feeling great about and improving day to day. I'm not impatient about getting out of codependency mindset and I'm not searching for a quick fix but rather for some  useful content (books, files, videos, audios,...) which would help me do good on an identity level and mindset change. 

 

Thanks!

[ajasatya]

@Sheeba you're very young but you deserve to know this: your relationships CANNOT give you happiness.

you'll have to find it elsewhere.

get ready for a huge fall.

[5driedgrams]

@Sheeba

      I wish I would've discovered my tendency for neediness when I was 19. I love seeing people your age on here. You seem to be off to a great start. I was and to some extent still am a slave to my neediness. I have yet to identify where it comes from. It is awesome that you view it as baggage. its quick sand and will suck you down into despair. It's also incredibly beneficial that you are not impatient with overcoming this, as I am impatient with damn near everything I aspire to improve about myself. It breeds a lot of suffering in my life.

     Leo has some videos on neediness and codependence. I'm sure there are plenty of youtube videos discussing neediness and codependence. I haven't really made correcting these behaviors in myself a top priority so I have no real practical advice off the top of my head, but please share whatever you find that helps you! I just wanted to say that it's great that you are interested in and are now actively pursuing self-actualization/ personal development and as long as you stay consistent you can master anything you want!

[Visitor]

@Sheeba Codependency is a cycle of people pleasing to get what you want. When you get it, you eventually take it for granted, which upsets the other person. A disagreement evolves. To make peace again is to people please again.

Both sides of the relationship needs to understand this cycle for both to deal with it.

To deal with it is to stop people pleasing to gain something. Because if you don't get it you will be displeased. When the other person becomes to demanding, tell them that you are not 'people pleasing today'. Then the other will know that they took something for granted and today they need to be independent. Example, you may be upset if your meal is not as expected. Your partner realizes you have become codependent, and says "I am not people pleasing you today". So now you will have to become independent and cook your own meal. 

It is hearing the other saying "I am not people pleasing" which will remind you that you have taken something for granted.

A better relationship is inter-dependency (part codependent and part independent). working together for inter-dependency.

[5driedgrams]

16 hours ago, Visitor said:

@Sheeba When the other person becomes to demanding, tell them that you are not 'people pleasing today'.

     Better hope your partner is ready to hear something like that lol. BOTH SIDES definitely need to understand the cycle! In all honesty, if you or your partner is not ready to hear that, then you or your partner might not be ready for an inter-dependent relationship. Which there is nothing wrong with. Shit I might not even be ready for an inter-dependent relationship despite studying inter-dependence and striving to attain an inter-dependent relationship. The ego has strong roots in me. I would probably take that personally if my girlfriend said it to me, so I'd have to stay super mindful that we are working through our dysfunctions and that the ego is gonna tell me that its way is THE way.

     It is important to remember that real love will tell you something you might not want to hear (assuming your behaviors and motives are still rooted in ego like mine) but will benefit you if you don't take it personally. Real love lovingly calls out unhealthy behaviors for the greater good. Real love accepts getting called out and trusts that it is out of love and concern. I'm basically just saying this to myself cuz I need to hear it lol.  Anyway, I loved your outline of the system of codependency and your advice on how to disrupt it!

[Visitor]

On 8/1/2017 at 7:00 AM, Visitor said:

@Sheeba Codependency is a cycle of people pleasing to get what you want. When you get it, you eventually take it for granted, which upsets the other person. A disagreement evolves. To make peace again is to people please again.

Both sides of the relationship needs to understand this cycle for both to deal with it.

...

10 hours ago, 5driedgrams said:

     Better hope your partner is ready to hear something like that lol. BOTH SIDES definitely need to understand the cycle!

@5driedgrams Once both partners understand the cycle of co-dependency, the words 'people pleasing' ought to be enough of a reminder.

Naturally the ego will be squirming. In reality, going into a good, healthy, loving relationship is not about going to a wedding, but a funeral for the ego.

Egos will separate the relationship, and oneness goes out the window (so to speak). Relation-ships is all about relating to each other., and hopefully it is about truth.

[5driedgrams]

16 hours ago, Visitor said:

@5driedgrams Once both partners understand the cycle of co-dependency, the words 'people pleasing' ought to be enough of a reminder.

Naturally the ego will be squirming. In reality, going into a good, healthy, loving relationship is not about going to a wedding, but a funeral for the ego.

Egos will separate the relationship, and oneness goes out the window (so to speak). Relation-ships is all about relating to each other., and hopefully it is about truth.

LOVE IT!

[Sheeba]

On 7/31/2017 at 8:41 PM, ajasatya said:

@Sheeba you're very young but you deserve to know this: your relationships CANNOT give you happiness.

you'll have to find it elsewhere.

get ready for a huge fall.

Should  then I even pursue them and give myself into them? 

 

[ajasatya]

@Sheeba find the beauty within you. let your heart bloom.

[Sheeba]

@Mad Max Thank you very much!