My First "actualization" Journal

[Neo]

I haven't been on the forum in a long time. I find it really bad lol. I have a very addictive ego, and I can just get stuck in an awful cycle of posting and reading and clicking refresh and it's not conducive either to work or ironically, not conducive to progress!

 

So... I want to post this  to get it out there, and then get out of here, and if it helps anyone, so be it. Maybe I will click refresh later just to tickle my ego a bit!!!

 

I have been doing a lot of contemplation several times a week for about two years now. But only ten minutes here and there. Instead I do a lot of analysing of thoughts, listening to thoughts and feelings, all day everyday, looking to see where they are coming from, constantly.

I've also recently been trying not to act on egoic impulses, (this is a new thing I'm trying) but not by restraining them, but by embracing the ego, and listening, and understanding. I've also been practicing surrender, which, for me, is what it is all about. ( I think - who knows?)

All this sounds like an awful lot of "doing" however, I am the guy with no time for meditation and I had, at least to begin with, a very cluttered mind. I have suffered my whole life with anxiety and addictive traits.

Well I had a bit of  a break-through yesterday. I was doing my work and the words started to float around on the screen and I realised straight away that this might be a good time for contemplation. (they have never done this before but as a contemplation practice I've been trying to get my whole field of view to become groundless.)

So I sit back and look up and, I can't for the life of me, remember what I was thinking, but it's usually an exercise along the lines of, "am I an object, or am I an observer", or "am I awareness", and so on.

And then the room, the field of view did become slightly groundless, and a feeling indescribable. My heart started pounding and I realise I am resisting massively from the stomach area. Like pushing out. And I reminded myself to surrender, as some of you have told me on this forum.

In front of me is something indescribable, but I would say like an explosion of white, slowed down a billion billion times, coming towards me. Or like a growing Dandelion, picture below. Except is was an explosion, ... of pure joy.

And then as my heart beat became the dominant thing, along with my own words, "surrender", "surrender", then it started to fade.

 

I stood up because I am at work and picked up some things to do, still shaking. and started , trying that is, to work. But I stopped, as I looked around the room, everything looks slightly different and I became slightly tearful. And when my wife came in, I was unusually out in the garden doing something, and she said, "what is it? You look different?"

 

Here is a picture for you:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 26, 2017 by Neo