Nurturing Healthy Masculinity

[Henrik_Sahlen]

The last 2 years, I have been together with my dream woman and we really love each other. 
Yet, I have always been struggling with being a hyper pleasing guy. I simply want to make her the most happy woman on this planet and share my gifts with her. However, by being overly "nice" I am hiding some of my emotions, avoid confrontation and feel out of touch with my healthy masculinity.
I think a lot of people struggle with this as the idea of "being nice" is wide spread in society. 
Now, together with you, I wanted to gather some ways to get back in touch with that lovingly guiding, expressive and authentic source that gives to the world and simultaneously is not afraid to stand up for itself.

Here are some ways I thought of:

-Listening to warrior music and "killing" a workout

-Screaming, yelling, letting go of pent up emotions

-Spending time alone in nature, reflecting about death

-Watching movies & reading books such as: 300, The Way of the Superior Man, King Warrior Magician Lover

-Spending 1 hour a day either finding or working at your life purpose, sharing your gifts

Please share other ways or your rake on this subject. I would be happy to hear!

 

 

[Loreena]

@Henrik_Sahlen

1. Journaling your emotions in a book is a great way of releasing frustration. 
2. Do karate and brazilian jiu jitsu 
3. Go on hiking trips and sweat it out.. 
4. I guess for young guys it's important to spend their physical energy in some way to feel strong and sexual. Just speculating,  I don't have much info on how a boy thinks. 
5. Going on long drives. I guess guys like it ! 
6. Don't be afraid to confront situations head on. Take them as a challenge. 
7. Read a lot. Helps men to get efficient. 
8. Cut down tv and videogames. Over stimulation can drain your energies. 
9. Keep your body in good shape. Huge plus point.
10. Some guys think having a long or short beard is more masculine, but I disagree. I prefer a clean shaven look. Imo thats looks really masculine. 
11. Be competitive with other guys. But not aggressive. Aggression is a minus. Try not to feel insecure around other guys. Know that you are just as capable as them, if not more, so don't feel hyper aggressive or panicky nervous or shut around other men. Those  tendencies reflect a malformed masculinity. An emotionally healthy Man with a good dose of masculinity doesn't feel charged around other men. In fact he feels super relaxed, calm, cool and comfortable knowing fully well that he can handle anything with grace and toughness. 
12. Don't get overly possessive, needy, attached. Big downer. Although being vulnerable is not a bad thing, you could express it in healthier ways like writing poems, playing guitar. This is actually the most difficult thing for men to do. They feel scared to express themselves freely, fearing someone would catch them in their weak moments. But at the same time, bottling up emotions is not healthy. So  a guy needs to find his own sacred private space to open up without the fear or danger of scrutiny. It has to be a private journal, hobby, a separate space in your house only for you where nobody can bother you. 
13. Some boys can feel incomplete without their women. Its nice to be lovey dovey to your gf but deep down it reflects insecurity and fear. Know that you're always important and you are more than enough to feel complete. You don't need validation from a girl just like a girl doesn't need validation from a guy. 
14. Take care of your health. For any guy this should be their utmost priority given the circumstances in which men have to work and how over expectations from society can get them drained, fatigued and washed out. In the effort to try to prove their ability and masculinity and to stand up to society's challenges, a lot of men forget to care of themselves. They just lose their feminine caring side and turn into intensive workaholic robots. Understand that this is unfair for you as a man, its more about social pressures than masculinity and therefore learn to keep a balance between health and work. 
15. Be just as caring to yourself as you would like to be to your girlfriend.
16. Be respectful to everyone even to those who are rude, contrary to popular belief that sometimes perceives kindness as a sign of weakness, respectful kind behavior is actually a sign of confidence and strength because it implies that you are not easily triggered or provoked. Which means a strong mind ! 
17.  

Right now I onlyy know so much.

. If I have some more points I will add later. 

 

Edited July 11, 2017 by Loreena

[Henrik_Sahlen]

@Loreena First of all thanks for your in depth answer, really appreciate it! I am thinking about going on a trip just by myself.
I find it difficult to reconcile "self-assertive" behavior with consciousness work. I realize that I tend to justify my overly pleasing attitude with trying to become "egoless" and giving for giving's sake. Any take on that?


 

[ajasatya]

@Henrik_Sahlen deep deep inside you're like "oh i'm such an egoless person. i'm so special!"

quit this bullshit. everyone is responsible for his own peace and happiness. you can do nothing to provide true peace and happiness to your girlfriend. that's HER job.

you think you're being altruist but you're just polishing your self-image, trying to look like a good person to others.

i know thy bones inside out. you spend so much time and energy trying to hide your insecurities!

give the fuck up. humble yourself down and just sit quietly.

[Michael569]

it is a very dangerous game to be spouse-centred ( or girlfriend/wife/fiancee centred..). All your decisions are made based on her. Your mood is influenced by hers. Your "freedom" is established by her to a great degree. She, not you is the centre of your universe and that is not the correct way to live. What happens if she decides to leave you for a detached asshole? 

While it is perfectly fine to dedicate a lot of energy and waking time to your relationship, make sure it does not become your priority. YOU are your priority! You are the most important thing in your life. The second this changes, you become a doormat a punching bag. 

Dedicate your life to sharing and contribution but never forget to cultivate your own agenda in the first place. This way you won't have to chase your masculinity because by being true to your values you'll know which is the right path to walk.

Oh and btw, being a THE MAN is not so much about the looks as being out there and killing it in life. Leo has a great video on "How to be a man" 

 

[Zephyr]

There's nothing wrong with being nice

(unless if there's fear motivating it) 

[Henrik_Sahlen]

@jimrich Thank you, I really dismissed the fact that I am still caught up in codependency. 
Definitely will check out the resources!

[Arkandeus]

my own experience in this is that real masculine power comes from being honest with oneself and facing one's vulnerabilities and fears. 

strength can only come once you allowed yourself to fully be vulnerable, to be weak. 
It got to the point where I realized I was trying to jump straight up to becoming strong, and I wasn't even allowing myself to feel the fear I was feeling right now. 
I was weak and scared, but even my fear and weakness I didn't own them. 
even my state of weakness and fear was ran away from by directly trying to gain ''strong'' traits which is another way of putting on a mask. 

the person who's able to show they are afraid to others is stronger then the one that is trying to pretend he is not. 
honesty is of the strongest forces in this universe.
that is my opinion. 

So my advice is that before you rush trying to become strong, you have to admit to your vulnerabilities, investigate why you act this way, investigate what you feel when you act this way. and most of the times to change these behaviours is not to simply change them. 
it's to do them again,let the same behaviors happen again but this time be very conscious of what you feel, be very conscious of your feelings to the last drop. 
fear has to felt for it to leave, the way to making fear leave is to feel it fully

I used the word ''weak'' earlier, but it better be substituted with ''vulnerable'' and ''overly-caring''. 
people think that to be overly nice is a sign of submission and weakness, that is untrue, it is a sign of love. 
love that hasn't found the proper form to be displayed. 

this isn't the survival of the fittest, as a matter of fact the goal of life is to be loving, but what most nice people miss is the self-love balance. 
you can be loving while doing your own thing. 

how strong is it, that one's love is so strong that they're willing to put other people's interest in front of their own?
they're literally willing to handicap themselves and their interests just for others. 
this is not weakness by any means. 
 

[Henrik_Sahlen]

7 minutes ago, Arkandeus said:

the person who's able to show they are afraid to others is stronger then the one that is trying to pretend he is not. 
honesty is of the strongest forces in this universe.
that is my opinion. 

 

Wow, really insightful. Thank you, I really like your take on it. 

[TimStr]

@Henrik_Sahlen

If you want to nurture healthy masculinity, read "The way of the superior man" by David Deida and translate every piece of it into reality. In my opinion, that book is the most accurate description of actualized masculinity out there. And it shows you, how to get there. 

[YaNanNallari]

Have you watched Leo's videos on this? After that try to love the side of you that pleases people. Just what I'd do