Sano Morphing

Self-destruction :)

5 posts in this topic

I'm glad you clicked on this thread because your help is needed and thank you for gifting me the time reading this.

This is a form of self-expression because I don't know any better to be gifted advises by you, so please be patient, this is some low-consciousness stuff and I don't think moving towards high consciousness issues before solving the low ones is wise and I'm already experiencing how corrupt this is.

 

To help you understand what is going on, I will mention the following:

  1. Background info about my life.
  2. Some of my past traumas.
  3. My current situation.

By the way, I'm so done with everything, so this may depress you if you can't handle tough stuff.

_______________________________________________

1) Background info about my life:

  1. Born and live in an Arabic country (Jordan), third world country of course, in a really religious Muslim family.
  2. I consider myself spiritual but I'm not devoted to any religion, I once got really religious 4 years ago but it was for an extrinsic motivation, which is my first love.
  3. I'm 21 years old but I don't only deal with people in my age but also with business men and children, I'm universal but really introverted and in most of the times I make things awkward.
  4. I study Computer Science but I failed a lot in subjects for emotional reasons and carelessness, which made my credit hours so low and that will lead me to finish university in six to eight years instead of four, I'm still in the third year though, so I may change majors to software engineering or drop out, yet dropping out is something that my parents are just fighting me about even though they're paying tons of money they can't afford, yet luckily after taking the Life Purpose Course by Leo, I realized that what I'm running from (The University) has to do something with my life purpose.
  5. I'm kind of impatient but sometimes patient, I don't know how this functions in me but I think it's about how interested I am in what I'm pursuing.
  6. My family was never successful financially, always mediocre or poor. Just the fact that when I go out with friends I end up buying sweets and snacks instead of the food my friends order just to fill my stomach when I'm out with them makes me feel self-pity and that isn't a nice feeling if you ask me :/ .
  7. My family lacks giving and receiving love, relatives and friends rarely visit us, which is not common in my country and the feeling of the house is just toxic and sad, we never hug, we rarely check on each others, we're all really different and divergent and so on, and all of that made me see that my first love experience was the only sacred thing I knew back when I was still stuck in it.
  8. Dad is hardworking, patient and trying to make the house a happier place materially, yet rarely emotionally, and that's not working out in both ways.
  9. Mum is just toxic and manipulative, she never even say to us "How are you?", when she call for one of us, we just know that she's going to ask for a service for her selfish needs.
  10. I have an Autistic brother whom is mainly my responsibility for some reason to take care of him because when we were kids, I used to use violence to stop him from hurting himself and ruining the house, which made him scared of me and forces him to behave when I'm around until today.
  11. I spent my entire life playing video games until I was seventeen years old, sometimes creating game maps and completely being goalless as if nothing matters, my grades until today are just horrible xD .
  12. I studied most of my life in a males only schools and it was kind of a shock for me to deal directly with females in the university even though I did interact a lot with females on the internet through games, texts and video calls.
  13. For like two years I've been doing personal development work, I read a bunch of books, I meditate, I'm journaling a lot and I started three businesses which all ended up crashing and burning because they never really got to the starting point, prototype is ready but we stop there and even when I pour tons of effort to make it happen, the team has already given up and I burn out or self-destruction mode happens and I ruin everything :(
  14. I have skills in almost anything like Programming, Entrepreneurship, Writing, Game Art and so on, I can also teach basics to anyone interested in what I'm teaching and I have a big picture of general knowledge about almost any subject you may ask about and I just love researching and expanding my awareness about how things around me and in me work, yet I never really delved so deep in something and I don't think I can get paid for any skill I have today, I'm trying to delve into one right now but I'm uncertain about it because it's being an early adopter to a programming language that I love but I don't know if it will get me anywhere since right now the open source community is in love with it but the commercial rich people are still not sure if they wanna invest in it.
  15. I think a lot and I'm creative but my imagination is out the window, even brain 2D animation is difficult for me to be imagined.
  16. I tried leaving my house and live by my own but I never stood the jobs here and how toxic they can get and it's hard to build reputation for freelance work, although I think it's because I can't be passionate about something that isn't created by me.
  17. Most people in my country usually give priority to family connections over skills, if you were the most skilled person and there exist in your company a relative to the manager, your salary must be lower than his.
  18. Most Entrepreneurs and Businessmen here have no business ethics and are ready to stop profiting for a year if not more to make sure you're out.
  19. I'm considering immigration as an option but when I tried, I figured out that you can't trust anyone, because scams are everywhere. I may try immigrating again but when I have money and when I study it better. Also I'm afraid of leaving everyone and everything behind.
  20. I don't forget and regret when I hurt someone else even if I didn't mean it.
  21. I went to psychologists for advice about my problems but I guess psychologists here don't want to help as much as they want what's inside my pockets.

_______________________________________________

2) Some Past Traumas:

  1. Almost kidnapped by the sellers in a shoe store because Mum left and thought I followed her but I escaped those who tried to kidnap me, Mum didn't know about this until I learned how to speak when I was four years old.
  2. Stabbed in my hand with a knife by Mum when I was a kid, she was hallucinating, according to her.
  3. When I was a kid, I wished to have a brother after having two sisters to play video games with, I got an autistic one.
  4. When I was a kid, a needle went inside my right knee and I was awake until the doctors injected a sleeping needle (I guess).
  5. When I was in the third grade, the teacher asked us "What do you want to become in the future?", everyone said doctor or an engineer but I don't know why, something inside of me made me say "I want to become an inventor", which to her surprise told the class to clap for me but for some reason later on made the school bully me for five years, abuse me, sometimes sexually, luckily no rape happened.
  6. Sexually abused and almost got raped by a male relative, couldn't tell anyone in my family to avoid troubles.
  7. My dad once smashed my laptop's screen because I wasn't paying attention to his lecture about what I should value but that made the devils embody me and I smashed our giant T.V.'s screen.
  8. Being made fun of when I pitched my projects in the global entrepreneurship day in my university, people didn't show projects but made an Americans Got Talent show instead and I was the oddball.

_____________________I think I'm over the above or maybe time put them under the rug.__________________________

9. My first love story (Made a thread about this before), the girl is not worth it and it was even a far distance relationship with someone I never met but the feeling of being loved that I had is something I'm still desperate for even after four years which lead me to work hard chasing fake hopes and dreams, write a novel, letters and poems which I burnt and lead every girl I tried to be close with to run away or use me (Ask for help and end up scamming me) or manipulate me (Play with my emotions to project her insecurities) and so on which made me become desperate for love even more and instead of getting everyone close to me, I'm pushing everyone away including friends, family and my dear video games because it felt like this is what I'm living for because it brought so much happiness temporarily. (My Biggest Trauma)

10. Getting scammed three times, first one was in a video game for being greedy, second one was by an internet female friend who took advantage of my first love's heart break and said that she needed money to continue her studies and the third one is because I was ignorant about immigration, and even after all what happened, I still believe that there are some good people out there which makes me trust people a lot and makes me still vulnerable to scams.

11. The realization that I can't remember anyone's birthday except for my brothers, sisters and my first love.

12. The realization that I don't enjoy video games and taking breaks anymore because I always feel like I need to do something as if the world owes me.

_______________________________________________

3) Current Situation:

  1. The last startup I invented is crashing and burning and I don't feel like doing anything about it although it's a big contribution if it went out there.
  2. I have no sympathy towards humans who don't want to help themselves but if I knew that someone needed help with their passion, I give my all to that person.
  3. I don't have a job but I have few leftovers saved from my previous job.
  4. Even though I meditate, I sometimes lose control, feel stress and anxiety, sometimes I be fully in my head hearing screams of agony but no words and tons of decisive suicidal thoughts and actually feeling the death while imagining myself jumping off a building, this happened a lot but also happened recently last Thursday in a class and it was so hard for me to hide this that my friend (Dream pure girl if you ask me) noticed it.
  5. I still feel like I have to do some tasks everyday even in my breaks as if I'm forced to be pulled towards them and if I don't do them, I feel really down and start saying stuff like "I'm never leaving my parents house".
  6. My grades are still out the window and if I didn't succeed in the discrete math subject I took (Failed it twice), I don't think I can continue studying tech majors, because I can't hide the fact that I failed in 5 subjects from parents anymore since I can't continue taking courses if the core ones are not complete.
  7. Sometimes I feel like stabbing myself in the neck to end this nightmare I'm living.
  8. Whenever I remember my traumas and how embarrassing some of them were, I cringe and say a random sentence to myself like "I love you", why? I don't know, maybe that's a normal human thing, it happens often though.
  9. I'm witnessing my dream pure girl slowly running away because I desperately asked for love from her when I lost control and sit my ass for four hours non-stop to write this shocking letter to her although we never dated. (Heartbreak #10)
  10. I feel kinda certain my passions but I'm still practicing and trying to delve into coding, I'm impatiently waiting for this moment when I completely lose myself and write code as if I'm meditating, then end up with a shocking invention just like I did when I started pursuing personal development.
  11. I'm overthinking for hours everyday, sometimes unnecessarily and I've been doing that as a habit since my first love story happened.
  12. I feel very uncertain about what will happen in the future and I don't know if any of the above will get any better.

_______________________________________________

 

#Note: I don't take any kind of medications, smoke, take drugs or drink.

 

Please do kindly share suggestions and practices to overcome and let go of my past and what I'm going through.

 

I guess I can thank you with this.

 

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Edited by Sano Morphing
Organizing

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@How to be wise Thanks for the time spent reading this and thanks for the advice, I've been checking it out since yesterday and today I'm going to print the worksheets and see where this will take me, I may end up buying her book "Loving what is".

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10 hours ago, Sano Morphing said:

@How to be wise Thanks for the time spent reading this and thanks for the advice, I've been checking it out since yesterday and today I'm going to print the worksheets and see where this will take me, I may end up buying her book "Loving what is".

Check out her YouTube channel where she has videos of lots of clients she helps: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheWorkofBK


"Wanting keeps me from the awareness I already have it. I already am it.” — Byron Katie

 

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I need to mention two things I forgot about;

1- Often times I delude and convince myself into doing an uncalculated and an unconscious action because I had some random thought or idea, which in some cases turns into a disaster, it's like I get blinded temporarily and overthink for hours about how to do the action and do it no matter how risky it is and usually I regret what I did.

That's how I was able to sit my ass for four hours writing the love letter to that girl, that's how I got myself to writing this thread, that's how I start my projects and so on. Although in terms of projects this is useful because when I calculate and plan a lot, I tend to care less about the idea but if I bashed myself into the wall of the unknowing, the projects tend to be a huge wow in front of whoever sees them.

2- I get panic attacks and sometimes shake whenever I try to fix things with someone.

Edited by Sano Morphing

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