Ashamed Of Facing My Past

[Annie]

@OnceMore  May I ask how old you are? If you force things you just put too much pressure on yourself which, as you know, results in disappointment if you can't reach your goal (yet). I personally have come to the conclusion that sometimes it's better to let things be for a while (not giving up, just resting your mind) and let go. That gives you an opportunity to clear your mind and relax and open your eyes to other possibilities.
And this works quite well (for me):

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@OnceMore This may be super dysfunctional / delusional, but it's worked for me, and could maybe help you in this scenario. Do you have a powerful imagination? Ok, perfect:

Go get a tin of good strong natural peppermints, or ginger-mints (chalky ones, not sugary ones), and make a new label for the tin that says "bravery mints" or "warning, extremely potent courage tablets" (lol)...then as you attach the new label with packing tape, close your eyes for a moment, and bring down bravery from the multi-verse above (perhaps Zeus throws a lightning bolt of *courage-power* into the mints)...then, whenever you have to step into one of those situations/ conversations you will "have the power" (like he-man, lol)

Eventually you don't need the mints... to be more extroverted self-trusting/respecting etc.....best wishes!

[ajasatya]

@OnceMore it looks like one of those rare cases of a broken pride.

it's time to come back and review your reasons. have you experienced Love in the last few years? not intimate love. not attachment. i mean real Love.

[Echoes]

@OnceMore You are living in a "should" self-image story of yourself. And you project a mental image of the mental images that others have of you in the world.

"I was this person, and everybody treated and talked to me in a way I found satisfying, because of their actions I could assume what thoughts and what image they have of me. So I felt safe, secure, optimistic and grounded, because I knew who I was and what I will be" 

"Because they think this of me, I guess I'm on a good way.  I'm a worthy person with potential for [insert projected future with all sorts of girls and people who are impressed by your accomplishments here]"

The "problem" is that your mental story clashes with reality now. Your story of past and future exploded into pieces of disappointment, shame, guilt, self-hate, anger, regret and uncertainty.

Quote

I'm about 4 years behind on where I should be in life

Who determines where you should be in life now? The expectation of you, your family, your friends, your enemys, society at large? "My past should have been different, because I think I have to meet a made up norm/expectation of people who think they are the center of the universe, otherwise nobody is gonna like me and something bad happens to me!" 

Reality says you are at this exact stage in life where you are now, and already accepted you. But you decided to argue with reality  "No reality is wrong, I should be somewhere else now, the past should have been different." Reality is never lying to you, but your mind is.

You are in hell right now. But the positive thing is that you are self-creating this hell unconsciously, because there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. This means you can free yourself and climb up again as a new version. 

You have to ask yourself now if you want to rescue your story of [this particular person, with this particular strengths and abilitys, with this particular future outlook, with this particular reputation, who is viewed by other people in this particular way]. If you decide to do this, you are going to feel bad, stressed and anxious. Because you are running after your estimated story, so that everything is ok again and you can feel worthy and not shameful in the presence of other people, because you fear their questions of what you are doing with your life. But this moment of "I'm finally done and everything is ok again, and afterall I'm proud of myself" will not come, because you whole mindset and motivation is lack-oriented, which results out of fear and not trust. So you will generate more lack and fear. This is btw the path that most of humanity is choosing. Trying to stay loyal to projections of other people, so that they can keep believing in their own projection of themselves. Without it they would not know who they are. So nothing "wrong" with it per se, but not the best life strategy if you ask me. 

The other option is to completely destroy your whole world. Burn it all into pieces. As Jordan Peterson would say, you are in the domain of chaos right now, the illusion of order you thought you and your life is going down was shattered. You might never get a chance like this again to completely destroy your whole web of beliefs, stories, assumptions about you and the opinion of others about you. You don't know what awaits you at the other side and it might take a little time until you stabilize again. But this is the way to freedom and growth. This is the way of climbing out of the pit of hell completely and not just jump into another pit where you worry about your place in the world, your social identity status, the projection of other monkeys on this rock circling around a fireball. This is the way of introspection and inner work, not of looking for a fast external fix so that everything is in order again. 

There is no order. You are going to fucking DIE SOON. Everybody fails in the end. The people who have nice houses, girlfriends and careers can play for a few years with it before they are old, shitting themselves in the pants, and finally die and get eaten by insects. Just like you will. "But I want to be liked by this corpse in my old neighborhood" Do you want to LIVE NOW and do what you want, and fuck the other corpses, or do you want their validation of your mental pictures? 

Nobody cares about your life. Honestly: Nobody gives a shit. Nobody here in this forum, and nobody of your family and your friends. Dont think you are this important that somebody spends more than 5 minutes thinking about your assumed failure of a life. It's all you. Now, what do you want to do with your life?! You can't fail, because you will fail in the end anyways lying in a coffin while people standing there already worrying about their own shitty life again. You get what you want or you don't, that's all. But no matter what happens, it doesn't say anything about your life. Because "your" life only ever exists as a mental story, consisting of distorted memories which you can't even be sure they happened the way you imagined them. Fuck the past and think. Start journaling and write down everything that bothers you and everything that you want to do with your life. Contemplate until you hit the very emotional core of your suffering and I promise you it will get better.

Sorry if I am a little rude, but I'm also talking to myself here, because I was and am in a very similar situation to yours

Edited June 1, 2017 by Echoes

[Visionary]

Oh mate... this is the BEST thing that could happen to you. Follow this personal development path as if it's your LAST OPTION. Look back in a couple of years. Laugh. And realize how you need to experience the gutter before you can reach for the sky!

Use this moment. Use your negativity and depression! It's time to do some real psychological heavy lifting. You will see that everything happens at exactly the right moment. This path will take you further than you could ever dream of. Further than your friends can imagine. Further than your past self would ever have gotten.

Now.. time for action! Get obsessed with this shit. And start confronting yourself.

Good luck mate.

 

[beatlemantis]

@OnceMore You've probably heard concepts similar to this (i.e. being a member of actualized.org), but a huge chunk of your mental distress seems to stem from these "should" statements. 

I should be committed. I should be fit. I should be socially fluent. I should be feeling more optimistic. I should be showing something for my past years of living.

(Leo, of course, has a video directly addressing this:)

These rooted beliefs are mostly from social conditioning and your surroundings. I'm sure this is evident to you, because you are terrified of facing your old friends, who are in a similar age range but are doing what you believe you should be doing, but just can't seem to achieve. 

From the bottom of my heart, and from a purely logical standpoint, I want to communicate to you that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with not being where you think they are in life. There's nothing wrong with feeling stuck, with feeling like you have no motivation or energy to brush your teeth. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to get out of this state. 

That seems like an over-simplifying statement - but in actuality, any "should" statement is an over-simplification of the complexities of life. (I recommend watching the video if you want to go even deeper into this idea.) 

Exerting intense willpower and strain to achieve external goals is a habit of neurosis. As someone who grew up in that mindset, and started her actualization journey in that mindset, I'm here to tell you that it is completely unsustainable. I followed that energy for a few months just starting out, and even though I felt I was making great progress - there was a deep, pure authenticity missing. I was doing inquiries, meditations, and studying theories out of pure, incessant dislike of my life and myself. I visualized mere external goals for where the path of actualization would take me. 

That resulted me in a period of apathy that is probably similar to what you're experiencing now. Not much motivation, not much drive, not even enough energy to do "basic" human things like brushing your teeth or cooking a proper meal. But still - there's that voice inside of you that's telling you what you need to be doing, right? 

If you're willing, this state that you're in can be the perfect time for you to gradually diminish that voice. 

Slowly, patiently being aware of it as it appears and how it impacts you will have incredible effects on this state you're in - and has the potential of granting you the most internal, abundant freedom you've ever experienced. If you'd just allow yourself to be this way, damn it!

There's plenty of teachings concerning this theory - most are about radical acceptance - that's a great basis of spirituality and needed in this type of developmental work. (I'd also recommend various Matt Kahn videos and his book - if you're interested). 

But again, if you feel no drive to embark in resources concerning this topic - not doing it is exactly where you need to be right now. Enjoy your state. Notice what you are going through. Give yourself the time and the patience you've been depriving yourself to really transform your life. 

You're exactly where you need to be, and from here, you can gain an authentic, heartfelt motivation to be kind to yourself in the ways you believe you should - i.e. healthy eating, meaningful work, deep connection, etc. 

I hope this helped, I wish you the best of luck in your journey. 

Edited June 2, 2017 by beatlemantis

[OnceMore]

@Annie I am 22 y/o

[OnceMore]

@ajasatya Review my reasons? For living, you mean? If so, then I've tried to find some reasons, but all seem a little hopeless to me currently. 

I don't think I've ever experienced that. Truthfully, I'm not sure what it is or how to get it. 

[OnceMore]

Thank you for everyone replying to this topic

You've all given me a lot 

[ajasatya]

2 hours ago, OnceMore said:

@ajasatya Review my reasons? For living, you mean? If so, then I've tried to find some reasons, but all seem a little hopeless to me currently. 

I don't think I've ever experienced that. Truthfully, I'm not sure what it is or how to get it. 

sit quietly and try to reach the core of this pain you're feeling. go for it and stop running away.

this pain comes from the fallen pieces of your egoic armor. let go of your pride completely and come back to humility. it's the most mature way to live on.

[Epiphany_Inspired]

@OnceMore I just thought of something else...I don't know if it will help....but if you can see those things from your past as lessons, struggles that have evolved your being, made you strong, brave, and awesome...then perhaps you can truly put them behind you...to live in, and savour right *now...and dream of your amazing future to come!

[Joseph Maynor]

Get out of the paradigm of beating yourself up.  Until you learn to be kinder to yourself and love yourself, a part of you will continue to self-sabotage.  Work on cultivating positive motivation.  When you pull the reins too tight the horse will buck.  Give yourself more love.  Work on self acceptance.  Leo has a vid on this. Do the exercise in his vid.  Paradoxically this will cause you to shape yourself up.

[Toby]

Read Paul Watzlawick's "Pursuit of Unhappiness". You will find a lot of gems and tricks in there to step up your unhappiness game even more, inspite of any situation.

Edited June 8, 2017 by Toby

[Progress]

This sounds like big ego crisis. No not like saying a general ego crisis but an identity one. You want to live up to these ideas and statuses. You do this not even entirely for yourself but to appease others and gratify their definition of success. So you must decide, to work on you or others? 

[JoseM]

Im in the same situation. Im turning 28 in 2 months and my country is going to its worst crisis on its history which makes it even worse. However, im beginning to feel more hopeful.

[Lai]

@OnceMore you are very young, with a long life ahead of you.  This 4 year period is just a small setback, a warning to change direction.  If you listen carefully to your heart, you'll change direction and do well in life.
Love and hugs.

[Key Elements]

@OnceMore The past and your age doesn't exist. It's all man-made, just like a laptop. These are only used as tools - guides, rough references. Start fresh from where you are now. Do things you love and experience them. If you don't like a part of it, it will guide you to the part that you like, and eventually the part that you love. Mistakes pave the way to a solid path that you love, and you will not have problems walking on it once it is solid.

Edited June 11, 2017 by Key Elements